Non-Iraq Middle East

The state of Israel celebrates the big 6-0 this week, a big milestone for the nation that continues to struggle against its neighbors in the Middle East. How did Israel actually come to be, and what lies ahead? You probably won't find out in this FAQ: Israel's birthday, but, hey, couldn't hurt to check it out, right?

Yeah! We did it! It's Israel's birthday! USA! USA! Where's my present?

You don't get one. You're not Israeli.

But my Dad's Jewish!

That's the wrong half.

You know what else bugs me? Everyone keeps telling me it's Israel's 60th anniversary. But isn't it, like, 4,000 years old?

No. The historical Kingdom of Israel is not the same as the current State of Israel.

One more time?

The Israel in the Bible is not the Israel in Steven Spielberg's Munich.

Well, yeah. It's not like back in the day Isaiah had secret agents and bombs. Unless we're talking about Isaiah Thomas. He bombed all over the court, bro!

As much as it pains me to say, you do make a point.

Score one for the big guy! So what was my point again? Is it about Isaiah Thomas? Because I stole that from Tony Kornheiser.

No. A lot of countries in the Middle East resent Israel because they believe that it has no right to exist, only elbowing its way onto the world stage through violence and unfair backdoor dealings.

Sort of like using the old casting couch to get a big movie role.

Not really.

C'mon, I think it's a little bit like that.

Okay, sure, if the casting directors were Great Britain, America, and France, and Israel had to forcibly remove the other actresses from the casting office before using the "casting couch," then I guess so.

Israel is such a slut. Is that why the Israeli Arabs are so upset? Because they're country has gone wild?

Actually, no. Israeli Arabs are upset because they feel marginalized by a country that emphasizes being Jewish.

But who doesn't love bagels and Seinfeld?

That's not all there is to living in a Jewish state. To many Israeli Arabs, it means having to eat only kosher food, schedule their calendars around Jewish holidays, and live with a media that often demonizes Muslims.

Like having Yankee tattoos all over your body, but living in Boston.

What's with all the similes?

Because I'm happy!

No. Similes. Comparisons using "like" or "as."

Whatever. I just need to make my decision already.

What decision?

Whether or not I'll be sending Israel a card for its birthday.

I really don't think Israel needs a card from you. They have a lot of stuff planned for the celebrations this week.

What? And they didn't even send me an Evite for their party! What, do they think they're too good for me? Screw them!

Now you're starting to understand the conflict.

Posted by: Michael Drucker      I’m a fan of Michael Drucker