U.S.

The California Supreme Court ruled yesterday that same-sex couples have a right to marry, thereby making California and Massachusetts the only two states where gay couples can legally marry.

Is there more to the story than this ruling? And is it time you went gay? Look no further than our FAQ: California gay marriage ruling.

I can't believe what the Supreme Court did!

Oh no, here we go. Obsessing about the 2000 presidential election again?

Well...yeah, that still burns me up, but I'm of course talking about GAY MARRIAGE.

Why are you shouting?

When people talk about GAY MARRIAGE they shout a lot, right?

Usually, yeah, but you're saying the Supreme Court, which is not entirely accurate. The ruling came from the California State Supreme Court. Not the U.S. Supreme Court.

Aw, that sucks. I was so looking forward to attacking Clarence Thomas. I have a lot of vintage pubic hair material saved up. So what were the judges ruling on exactly?

Voting 4-3, they ruled that two laws passed in California banning same-sex marriage were unconstitutional. The ruling takes effect in 30 days.

Must be those damn liberal Democratic judges in California, right?

Six of the seven California Supreme Court justices were appointed by Republicans.

Wow, but it's the Republicans in general who are opposed to gay marriage, right?

In general, maybe. But note that John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama all agree that marriage should be between a man and a woman.

No way! I mean I get it with McCain, but the Democrats, too? Why are they such pussies? Why can't they come out and support gay marriage?

Much of it has to do with the 2004 presidential election.

Seriously? John Kerry is gay? I thought he was married to that millionaire horseradish heiress.

No. He's not gay. But in 2004, thanks to Karl Rove, many states had ballot measures about marriage. Most asked the voters if marriage should be between a man and woman.

What happened?

Well, most of the those ballot measures were approved, but the real reason they were on the ballot in the first place was to drive social conservatives to the polls to help defeat John Kerry.

Politics is boring. Can I, like, go to California and watch some lesbos get married?

Watch?

Come on, buddy, we're healthy American men. Seeing a couple of lesbos getting it on——

Stop right there. The term "lesbos" is offensive, unless you're talking about the Greek island of Lesbos.

Say WHAT? There's an island of lesbos, er, sorry lesbian women? OMFG.

Easy, Gossip Girl. Are you really saying that two women getting married is a turn on?

If they're nude and in bed.

Stop. Please.

Hold it. I just had a thought, and I think you're going to like this one.

I doubt that, but shoot.

Regarding abortion, don't conservatives want the states to decide whether abortion is or isn't legal? I think I remember reading that somewhere. So then why don't the conservatives similarly want gay marriage decided by the states?

That's an excellent point. When you come up with these well thought out statements, it really makes me think that these FAQs aren't just a horrible waste of time.

Aww. Thanks. One more thing. Is there any chance the court could rule that all hot lesbian chicks must get married nude?

You know what? Forget what I just said.

Posted by: David Bourgeois      I’m a fan of David Bourgeois