Hillary Clinton is taking a lot of heat for her decision to stay in the presidential race, despite the fact that Barack Obama has over 96% of the delegates required to seize the nomination. In an effort to defuse some of the tension, the World's Worst PR Guy has called a press conference on behalf of his client, Hillary Clinton.

Ladies and gentlemen of the press, citizens of the U.S., and avid Hillary supporters--good to see you six again--I would like to remind you all that my client, Hillary Clinton, intends to remain in this race until one candidate has 2,026 delegates, or one of them unexpectedly dies from an assassin's bullet while campaigning at a Denny's in Jupiter, Fla.

"I'm in it to win it," Hillary memorably said back in January--wait, of this year or '07? Had to be '07, right? Man, how time flies and things change! Anyway, you can't spell "I'm in it to win it" without some of the letters in "Hillary Clinton," plus some of the letters in "William Jefferson Clinton," provided you're allowed to use "Clinton" twice and add an apostrophe.

Hillary does not want to let down her constituents. To all the little girls out there watching a woman make a serious bid for the Oval Office for the first time, she is a true inspiration. Some day, these girls will become obsessive ex-girlfriends, psychotically stalking men who have spurned them, that rejection only feeding their neuroses. In fact, why limit that just to young women? Boys, too, can also learn from Hillary as she "stalks" citizens despite clear signals telling her, Please stop, we've moved on to someone else, you're only embarrassing yourself, we just don't find you attractive, etc. Oh, Cheryl, come on, give me one more chance! I'm begging you, at a press conference in front of all these people!

Whoops! Ha, ha. Sorry about that. Where was I? Ah, yes. We all remember the early '90s fondly, and the people who remember it as the best times of their lives will be crushed if Hillary exits. Do you want to be the one to end the dreams of the Ian Zierings and the Spin Doctorses?

Finally, by remaining in the race, Hillary is setting up Chelsea perfectly for a 2016 run. Everyone will remember how long her mother overstayed her welcome, and they'll have such sympathy for what Chelsea went through that they'll vote for her, much as New Yorkers sympathetically voted for Hillary because...well, you know.

Her husband cheated on her. Really publicly. With a young intern. In case you forgot. It was a blow job.

So can Hillary still afford to stay in the race, despite lottery-esque odds and at the risk of irreparably damaging her party's once-surefire chances of winning in November?

Yes, she can!

Unless by "afford," you literally mean "financially afford" it. In that case, no, she can't, really.

Posted by: Teddy Wayne      I’m a fan of Teddy Wayne