Election 2008

Now that the Clinton/Obama national dog fighting tour is over, it appears that we may have to actually start following...the issues. It's not going to be easy, and, sadly, it won't feature Bill Clinton making a jackass of himself every week. The latest campaign twist features Barack Obama opting out of the public campaign finance system. The New York Times says that the move might mean the death knell for the system altogether. Which leaves most people asking: there was a public campaign finance system?

So what it is, and why is the media pretending to actually care about it? Those questions and more are answered in our Public Campaign Finance System FAQ.

Who is Barack Obama?

Let's start a little more recently.

You're right, I know who he is. So why is he a Muslim?

This isn't about that. But the answer is because he worships Allah (the Devil) and hates our country.

Okay, okay, I'll ask about campaign fin...

You okay?

Fell asleep there. Forehead hit the table.

That's gonna leave a mark.

Let's try again: what happened this week with Barack Obama and—deep breath, pinching myself—campaign finance.

Obama opted out of the public campaign finance system.

What is that?

A system for using government money to finance presidential campaigns that was begun in 1976 after the Watergate scandal.

Ooh, "scandal," now I'm awake. What happened, sex tape?

No.

Drugs?

No.

Orgies!

No.

Well, what?

You're not going to like it. Let's focus.

Okay, so how does the system work?

Each party's presidential campaign gets a lump sum of money after their respective conventions. The money is supplied through a checkbox on people tax returns. This year, the amount would be $84 million.

What about McCain-Feingold? Didn't that have something to do with this?

You know about McCain-Feingold?

Sometimes it would be mentioned on TV and I'd hear something about it before I could find the remote.

I see. Well, there are two kinds of campaign money, hard and soft.

Starting to sound more interesting.

Settle down. It's not. McCain-Feingold banned unlimited contributions (soft money) to political parties, and placed limits on direct contributions (hard) to campaigns...you okay?

Sorry. Just started to see double there for second. So why did Obama opt out?

Because he was able to raise so much money with the Internet.

You mean he's behind all these "increase your penis with Xanax so you can refinance your mortgage" emails?

No.

I'll let you in on a secret. Those don't really work.

Thanks.

The penis part worked fine. But I didn't get a good mortgage rate.

Focus, focus.

Okay, so what was McCain's reaction?

McCain called it "disturbing" and accused Obama of flip-flopping. This, even though McCain himself has broken the rules.

Why's McCain being such a pussy about it? I thought he was Mr. Tough Guy.

McCain knows he can't raise as much money as Obama, so he wants Obama to stay in the system, too.

Why can't he raise as much money as Obama?

Because people don't like him.

Because he called his wife a c-word?

Among other reasons.

So where does this leave Obama?

He'll take a small hit from Washington pundits who claim to give a crap about campaign finance, but nobody really cares about this issue, so it's a smart move by Obama.

How much will he raise outside of the system?

Obama is expected to raise as much as $300 million dollars. And because he can do it over the Internet, he won't have to spend all that time sucking up to donors at horrible dinners, like McCain will.

So this means Obama will have more time to wage jihad against the West?

Yes.

Posted by: Stephen Sherrill      I’m a fan of Stephen Sherrill