In a recent extremely scientific poll, more Americans said that they'd prefer to invite Barack Obama to their barbecue over John McCain.

We see what's happening here, America. You want to invite the black guy because you figure he knows how to make a kick-ass barbecue sauce. Nice. That's real enlightened of you. Even if that were the case, how do you plan to invite Obama to your cookout and convince him to bring a jar of his barbecue sauce without making him think that's all you're inviting him for? Historically, presidential candidates have been very sensitive about when people only like them for their cooking abilities. To avoid any hurt feelings, here are some ideas for how to include a subtle little nudge in your invite to Obama without scaring him away:

• "Hey Barack, really glad you're coming by on the 4th. Oh and we have a tradition around our house: If you're the presumptive Democratic nominee for President of the United States, you're on rib duty! Hope you've got more skills than that Kerry guy."
  
  
• "I hope when you're in office you do something about this food crisis. Do you know what they're charging for a bottle of Bull's Eye Barbecue Sauce at Pathmark? It's outrageous! I won't buy it! I simply won't buy it! It's a shame you can't save my cookout the way you're gonna save this country come next year."
  
  
• "To make this 4th a little more 'yes we can,' we're going potluck. Hey! I know what you could bring...!"
  
  
• "I bet you're bummed that you can't have a barbecue with your father and grandfather and great grandfather too. If you want to bring anything with you that reminds you of barbecues that you used to have with them, that'd be okay with us. Were they good cooks?"
  
  
• "Glad you're coming, Barack. I gotta say I'm not so skilled at grilling. The only way I know how to cook barbecue is to slather all our meats in store-bought mayonnaise that's been left out overnight. If only there were some other way..."
  
  

Even if you don't get him to bring some of that sauce, you'll still have fun with Obama on the patio. If you invited McCain, you'd have to spend a whole lot of time cutting up his meat for him, and the only thing you could hope for is that he falls asleep before he and Cindy start in with all their "cunt this" and "cunt that" bickering and before you know it the neighbors are calling the police.

This 4th of July, give the Kiss the Cook apron to the candidate who guarantees tangy, rib-sticking change. Give the apron to Barack Obama.

Posted by: Bob Powers      I’m a fan of Bob Powers