By now, we all know the Senate has approved the bitterly contested rewrite of the 1978 Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, overhauling rules on secret government eavesdropping and shielding telecommunications companies from lawsuits. Sounds pretty cut and dried, right? Well, do you know what "the failed striking of Title II" is? How about "targeting foreign powers as defined by 50 U.S.C. §1801(a)(1),(2),(3)"? Oh, you don't? Maybe somebody isn't as well schooled on the FISA bill as they thought they were.

Normally, to learn the minutia of such a complicated situation, you'd have to waste precious minutes typing "FISA bill" into Google before sorting through hundreds of perfectly good explanations from legitimate news sources. But thanks to 23/6, all you have to do is read our FAQ: FISA bill, conveniently located right here!

AHHHHHHHH!

Hello?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Excuse me?

The government is SPYING on me!

Okay, let's back up a little bit.

Don't you read the front page of AOL.com? The federal government is eavesdropping on all our conversations. They're probably reading this right now!

Ah, you're probably referring to the new FISA Bill being approved.

No, my new VISA bill is like twenty grand, and I certainly do not approve. Or pay a single dollar more than my monthly minimum, thank you very much.

No, FISA, with an "F". As in Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act.

The Who-reign Intelligence What-veillance Huh? Look, I don't have time for all this. The government is SPYING on me!

That's my point. They're not spying on you. They're only spying on Americans making suspicious foreign calls to possible terrorists.

Oh. Are certain 976 numbers considered suspicious if the operators are in India?

Depends on which number, I guess.

The one I call most is 1-976-SEX-ACTS.

That's actually a pretty tame phone number for an adult chat line.

Would you rather I just made up something more hilarious and amusing instead? I'm not here to entertain you, pal. I'm here because I'm BEING SPIED ON!

Okay, calm down. The government isn't spying on your disgusting late night phone calls.

Sometimes I call in the afternoon too, if I'm bored.

Listen, FISA was created in 1978 to provide judicial and congressional oversight of the government's covert surveillance activities of foreign entities and individuals in the United States. It actually was made to protect innocent citizens like you from Nixon-style abuses of American intelligence agencies.

Then why is everybody making such a big deal about this?

Well, the Senate just approved an amendment that changes it a little.

How so?

It no longer protects innocent citizens like you from Nixon-style abuses of American intelligence agencies.

What?! Who does it protect now?

Um, it actually protects the AT&T and Verizon and other U.S. telecommunications companies against being sued for aiding an illegal warrantless spying program the Bush administration secretly started after the September 11 attacks.

So they WERE spying on me! AHHHHHHHHH --

Wait, calm down. Let me think about this for a second.

Sorry. Well, I guess the secret spying program is over now, and even I can leave the past in the past. And if they do it again, I'll sue AT&T for all that iPhone cash!

Here's the thing...the amendment granted the telecom companies immunity for both "past or future cooperation" with federal law enforcement authorities. So you can't sue them if they do it again.

So what's stopping them from doing it again?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Man, you're doing a terrible job of calming me down.

Yeah. I guess I didn't realize what a grim situation this was until I typed it all out.

Don't worry, buddy. Things are gonna be just fine.

No they won't. The Bush administration is using the Constitution as a bathmat and the Democrats are too beholden to special interests to stop them. This country is screwed!

Take a breath, bro.

I bet somebody is eavesdropping on us right now. Hello? I know you're there!

Um, yeah. Hey, at least when Barack Obama is elected president, he would never even dream of supporting an unconstitutional bill like this, right?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Posted by: Tim Saccardo      I’m a fan of Tim Saccardo