Just when you were forgetting about Larry Craig, another Republican senator has stepped up to the plate to tarnish the elephant's hide just a little more: legendary 84-year-old Alaska Senator Ted Stevens has been indicted on federal charges for failing to report over a quarter-million dollars' worth of gifts--renovations to his home, household goods, and a Land Rover--from the VECO Corporation, an oil field contractor for whom authorities said the senator, known for funneling federal money for his state, performed improper favors.

Let's see what 23/6's flack-in-retainer has to say in defense of his client:

STATEMENT FROM THE WORLD'S WORST PR GUY:

Damn, it's cold here! Why the hell are we having this press conference thingy in Anchorage? What a godforsaken wasteland.

Anyway, greetings, members of the Alaskan press. I'm here to respond to the indictment of my client Sen. Ted Stevens on federal charges of failing to report gifts and income.

First, let's talk about the absurdity of the charge itself. Who reports gifts? If I give my wife a bouquet of flowers, as I did last week, do I have to report that? If she gives me a new set of golf clubs, does she have to report that? If I give my three-year-old son Tommy the gift of an offshore account in the Caymans Island, do I have to report it? No, nope, and definitely not.

The charges that Sen. Stevens unlawfully accepted home-remodeling and household goods are unfounded and contrary to his nature. Some who are quick to accuse may call this yet another example of a powerful man's unchecked selfishness, but the senator is one of the most generous people I know--why, just on July 4 I was at his place for a truly kick-ass BBQ bash he held for all his business acquaintances on his new outdoor deck. A young man was flipping burgers on the senator's Viking grill, but he accidentally dropped a beef patty on the deck. Did the senator get mad? No, he simply cleaned it off with an old rag that was spotted with dried oil from his brand-new pipeline. It was a beautiful moment, as his SUV's speakers blasted the sweet strains of native Alaskan Jewel's latest album.

And let's not forget all the altruistic things Sen. Stevens has done for Alaska, bringing in highly necessary work projects for the state: the $10 million tropical-bird studies grant...the $25 million Jewish heritage museum...the $40 million snow-maker...the $100 million 1:1 scale recreation of the city of Anchorage for Hollywood productions...

I remind you all that in America, you're innocent until proven guilty. And I'll also remind you "beer before liquor, never sicker; liquor before beer, never fear"--and that there's an after-party at Ted's place with Russian vodka out of an ice sculpture and six kegs of Alaskan Summer Ale, and, yes, the rumors are true: he just installed a hot tub. Last one in's a corrupt egg!

Posted by: Teddy Wayne      I’m a fan of Teddy Wayne