Another desperate attempt to make the Olympics seem cool

Michael Phelps: So what if this guy was named World Swimmer of the Year four times? All you need to know is that he's the Kanye West of the Olympics! He's won more awards than he can count, acts cocky even though he's kind of a wuss, loves to rock it freestyle, and you just know his feud with South African swimmer Roland Schoeman is gonna get ugly.

Morgan Hamm: This guy made the Men's gymnastics team despite being caught by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency in July for testing positive for the banned substance glucocorticosteroid. Big time drug problem? People letting him get away with it because of his talent? Morgan is the Amy Winehouse of the Olympics. Sit back and watch the train wreck unfold!
UPDATE: Morgan Hamm has pulled out of the Olympics due to an ankle injury. We're just going to assume he hurt himself doing something totally badass like jumping a motorcycle through a flaming ring in order to save an orphan from a burning building with a naked supermodel on top of it.

Guo Jingjing: This Chinese diver won two gold medals in the 2004 games but was temporarily banned by the national team for "excessive commercial activities" after appearing in McDonalds ads. Hello, Olympic's David Beckham! Bex's "excessive commercial activities" for Gillette, Adidas, Pepsi, Vodafone certainly haven't made him any less cool. Too bad Jinjjing is a woman, or else she could've showed off her package in a pair of Emporio Armani underwear.

Kobe Bryant: In addition to being the starting point guard on the American men's basketball team, Kobe a) is the reigning NBA Most Valuable Player, b) left school early to become a millionaire, and c) Does chicks from behind, even if they don't want him to. Kobe Bryant is the Kobe Bryant of the Olympics!

Field Hockey: Most people think that field hockey is ice hockey, but without the ice, speed, fighting, or any excitement in general, and they're right. But consider that it's exclusively played by young women running around in short skirts that show lots of skin. Maybe this year, two of them will make out! Do I hear Joe Francis calling?

Table Tennis: Don't let the snobs at the International Olympic Committee fool you: This event is ping-pong, nothing more. The very same game you tell your parents you and your boyfriend are playing in the basement when you're really feeling each other up on top of the laundry machine. And what's cooler than that?

Gymnastics: Inspirational teenage athletes perform short routines on the balance beam, rings, vault, high bar, parallel bars, and pommel horse. And pervy guys watching these underage girls bounce around in their skin-tight suits. Sounds like gymnastics = To Catch a Predator. And who doesn't love that show?

Soccer: Okay, three out of four ain't bad.