International

Hearkening back to the 1980s, Russia proved yet again that it has a small penis by unleashing a military fusillade against Chechnya Georgia. According to Russian president Dmitry A. Medvedev, the bombings in South Ossetia were done in order to strike at Georgian military forces that had fired on its own peacekeeping troops. In response, Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili wrote an op-ed in Monday's Wall Street Journal where he said:

This war is not of Georgia's making, nor is it Georgia's choice. The Kremlin designed this war.

Just what the hell is going on in that other part of the world, and why in the Sam Hill should we care? We don't have the answers, but the FAQ guys are on it in the FAQ: Georgian conflict.

The Russians are at it again.

Yes. The aggression of their southern neighbor is unacceptable.

What are you talking about? I meant at the Olympics. They suck. As of today, they've only won six medals, and no golds. Come on, Marina Shainova grabs a silver in the Women's 53-58kg weight lifting competition? What's their problem?

The big news coming out of Russia has nothing to do with the Olympics in Beijing.

Seriously? I thought all that bombing and stuff I saw on TV was due to the Russians protesting their crappy athletes. If I was Russian, I'd be bombing, you know, like, Red Square, demanding better athletes.

No. The bombings you saw were taking place in Georgia.

OMFG! The Red Menace has finally invaded the U.S.? I knew Reagan was right about the Russkies. Okay, give me the info. Did the Red Army take Atlanta?

You're too predictable. Not that Georgia, Rand McNally, the country of Georgia.

So this has to do with Georgian separatism?

Yes, I think you're getting it. That is what's at the heart of these recent Georgian attacks.

So when did Georgia secede from the U.S.?

Again, you're not listening.

Maybe it's because I hate these FAQs.

You're the one who's asking the questions, though.

Fine. Can you please just tell me what you're talking about?

The country. Georgia is located on Russia's southern border. Turkey, Armenia, and Azerbaijan also border Georgia.

Is there a city named Atlanta there?

No, the capital is Tblisi.

Well, Georgia is part of the U.S.S.R., so shouldn't they get their asses bombed if they're being douchebags?

There is no U.S.S.R. anymore.

Of course there is. Russia is a huge country! I know because of that hot U.S.S.R. model Ruslana Korshunova.

She's Russian. Russia is a country all by itself now. The U.S.S.R. stood for the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, of which Georgia was one.

And now?

Georgia is an independent country.

How does Russia feel about that?

They hate Georgia.

Why?

It's complicated. Much if it has to do with Russia's reluctance in giving up the republics.

I'd gladly give up our Georgia if someone wanted it. So what now? Where exactly did the Russians attack inside Georgia?

South Ossetia and Abkhazia.

Abkhazia? You mean where the prisoner was in that Harry Potter book?

Sure.

Wow, I hope the boy wizard makes everything okay with this situation. So why did Russia pick those two places to attack?

Both South Ossetia and Abkhazia are pro-Russian, and both areas—while technically under Georgian control—are semi-autonomous regions. Russia contends both provinces belong to them.

So why can't Georgia take South Ossetia, and Russia take that Azer-kan place, and they call it even?

It sounds good. I mean, it would if that came from a smart person, but it would never work in practice.

I think there's only one person who can solve this problem.

Who would that be?

Nino Salukvadze. She's totally sexy. Look at her firm grip on that pistol. Oh my.

Settle down. Who's she, and how'd you learn how to spell her name?

She's the Georgian who won the bronze medal in the women's 10 meter air pistol competition.

Yeah, but the silver in that event went to Russian Natalia Paderina, who looks pretty cute with her short hair.

And if these two hotties each took 20 paces with their air pistols—nude—no matter what the outcome, the world would be a better place.

My friend, I think for once we agree.

Posted by: David Bourgeois      I’m a fan of David Bourgeois