Quick Quiz: Which John McCain house are you?

Does the houseful of kids that you wish you'd never had make you reach under the bed and caress a 13-year-old bottle of Vicodin?

Then you are the condo in Coronado, California!

Does your wife take care of the money because you don't have any? Does she forget to pay the property taxes because she spends all day rubbing her magic Vicodin bottle like there's a genie inside?

Then you are beachfront property in La Jolla!

Did you put your dreams on hold so you could help Mr. F*cking War Hero get a job in politics and if you could do it all over again, you'd marry Bill, the English lit major who called you Catherine to his Heathcliff?

Then you are the compound in Sedona, AZ!

Do you deserve one goddamn luxury in life after getting bayoneted in the goddamn balls, excuse your f*cking French!

Then you are the Camelback condo!

Are you going to lose your shit if you have to hear about your husband's bayoneted balls one more time? At a dinner party, no less, with the Romneys? NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR BALLS, HONEY! Anne, have some of my homemade applesauce!

Then you are the luxury condo in Phoenix!

Jesus H. Are you tired of all these "homes." Can you not remember if you're coming or going anymore? Do you just want one house- a white one, with a rose garden to putter around in until you die like Brando in the Godfather, playing with your grandson, safe in the knowledge that your "son" Mitt will take over.

Then you are the high-rise condo in Arlington!

Do you cry yourself to sleep every night because he's never going die- look at that mother of his, she's ninety six years old and still calls every night to complain about the way Meghan turned out. Oh God.

Then you are the SECOND condo in Coronado!