Inappropriate Hottie Rundown:The Veep Kids!

Hurry up ladies because this clean-cut soldier boy's shipping out tomorrow! His name's Beau Biden , as in "I'm your new boyfriend," but his folks called him "Bowie," as in "I f*cked Mick Jagger." He's Delaware's Attorney General, but after his heart-string tugging appearance at the DNC, he became a five-star general of lonely panties everywhere. He loves his Pop and he's headed off to war, just like Gosling in "The Notebook." But no amount of Alzheimers could make Gena Rowlands forget this hot slab of Jim Garner.
3.9 out of 4 juice boxes of warm piss.

Ten hut! Beau Biden might be able to carpool with this little reminder of when Corey Haim was still hot. Track Palin is an army man too, currently stationed up in Alaska and could be shipping off to Iraq any day now. If Track and Beau hit the same battlefield, here's hoping they have to double-up on Fox-Holes. At 18 years old, this barely legal patriot actually enlisted in the army just last year, which means he might be so stupid that you could trick him into bed. Points off for brainlessness and weird-ass name.
3.5 out of 4 juice boxes of warm piss.

If this dude's name is Hunter, we're changing ours to Prey. Anyone out there like bad boys? Then this Biden baby is for you. Hunter Biden is so bad he became a Washington lobbyist, which is the equivalent of like ten guys with motorcycles. One of his firm's biggest clients is MBNA bank, which also happened to be a big fundraiser for Papa Joe. That means you'd better act fast if you wanna run your fingers through this hunk's scalp full of bicycle grease, 'cause he could be indicted any minute now. Points off for the Michael Douglas from "Wall Street" 'do and the perpetually dumbfounded look on his face.
3 out of 4 juice boxes of warm piss.

Get out of our dreams, Gore Girls, and get into our car, Ashley Biden! This 27-year old social worker is making us feel very needy. Before you get pissed off at her prissy rich girl name, just know that this spitfire likes to party, as evidenced by her 2002 misdemeanor charge for obstructing a police officer in a drunken melee outside of a Chicago bar. Looks like the sparkly-eyed apple doesn't fall far from the tree, at least when it comes to getting up in people's grilles. This one almost got a perfect four, but seriously, the name "Ashley" really does piss us off a bit.
3.8 out of 4 juice boxes of warm piss.

Zow! Now we know why everyone's screaming for increased Alaskan drilling. Bristol Palin is either barely legal or just barely illegal. Either way, we wouldn't throw her out of the igloo for eating cookies. We just came up with nine Eskimo words for "smokin'." Points off for stupid name and possible statutory status.
3.2 out of 4 juice boxes of warm piss.

This kid is way better looking than any child named after a Ron Howard midget pic deserves to be. Coming in at around 14 years old Willow Palin is coming pretty close to replacing "Buffy's" Alyson Hannigan as the only Willow we'd ever let cast a spell on us. Whether this girl will grow up to be nearly as bewitching only time will tell. Points off for being pubescent. Points added for giving us a chance to write about Alyson Hannigan on a politics website.
3 out of 4 juice boxes of warm piss.

This Piper can lead our kids out of Hamelin anytime! (there's a double-entendre in there somewhere) Little Piper Palin is so darn cute we just want to pinch those puffy cheeks and say, "Aren't you a pretty little social conservative! Yes you are!" While there have been rumors that many of Gov. Palin's feeble-minded positions on abortion and the environment were actually mapped out for her by little Piper, we don't care if this one's the puppet master because she's just so darn adorable. Points off for typically Palin-esque stupid name.
3.3 out of 4 juice boxes of warm piss.

Born just last April, Trig Palin is already the cutest little poster-child for the pro-life cause that ever popped out of a governor. Sarah found out four months into her pregnancy that baby Trig would be born with Down Syndrome, but she publicly declared that because she's pro-life, she has no choice but to carry the lifelong burden to term (we're paraphrasing). The baby was named after the math class he'll never take in high school, and he's just so adorable that we've got no choice but to give this one a perfect 4 out of 4 juice boxes full of warm piss, stupid name and all!