Bye bye, Lost. It's over Battlestar Galactica, we had our fun. And as for you, Grey's Anatomy, you always sucked.

The new fall TV season might as well pack it in right now. America wants to watch only one TV show. It's the juiciest soap opera that ever aired on daytime. It's called "The Palins," and we can't get enough of it.

Look at just one abbreviated week of plotlines. Is Sarah Palin gonna be vice president? Is Trig really Sarah's baby? Oh my god, Bristol's pregnant and getting married to a redneck!

Damn! We can't wait for the next episode. If you're a super-fan of The Palins like we are, you might want to check out this episode guide for the next week of plotlines. Warning: SPOILERS!

Now that it's clear who Trig's mother is, the question remains, what about Trig's father? When Yakov, Sarah's presumed dead secret lover/Soviet spy is found to be alive, speculation runs rampant about whether her special needs child is one half Alaskan, one-half red menace. Will husband Todd forgive her for having an affair with a former KGB agent? After all, Russia is really close by. And can Yakov shed some light on what might be found on the microfilm that was removed from Trig's soft-spot not long after birth?

When evidence surfaces in the left-wing blogosphere that Bristol and Levi are actually first cousins, Bristol decides she doesn't want an incest baby and begins tossing herself down the stairs to land belly-first on the banister. It's up to little 8-year-old Piper to refute the rumors and keep Bristol from aborting on the home fixtures. In her quest, Piper discovers some startling facts about her family, specifically that her father Todd has been keeping an eleven-year-old boy from Thailand chained up in their basement for the past three years. Will Piper pipe up to the media, or will she accept that Daddies have hobbies that daughters sometimes don't understand?

After an amateur shit-porn video starring Sarah and 17-year-old Levi surfaces on the internet, Levi must deal with his new-found fame in the adult media world. Meanwhile, someone is killing hookers in Alaska. Is it 14-year-old Willow? (spoiler alert) Yup.

When Track and his friends are caught on a surveillance video setting fire to a homeless woman, Sarah tries to get him shipped off to Baghdad before he can be prosecuted. Meanwhile, Todd finds out that all five of his kids are actually his parents, and John McCain has been dead the whole time.

When Sarah bangs her head on the Straight Talk Express, she wakes up with amnesia. Meanwhile, Trig is discovered to have the power to set things on fire with his dreams. In an ironic twist, the military kidnaps Trig and sends him to Iraq, where he immediately starts dreaming and sets fire to brother Track's barracks. Will Track ever forgive his little brother? Will Sarah remember how far Alaska is from Russia before the debates? Will John McCain admit that he was just fucking with us? Tune into The Palins and find out!

Posted by: Bob Powers      I’m a fan of Bob Powers