Obama vs. Obama- a master politician meets his match in the trippiest debate ever

Obama is going to tear himself a new a-hole!

With McCain refusing to show up to Friday's presidential debate, Obama will be forced to go head-to-head with his most formidable political opponent yet: Himself. Will we see Obama come out guns blazing, attacking himself with everything he's got? Or will Obama be more strategic, baiting himself on the issues where he knows himself to be vulnerable? It's going to be the debate that eats itself, and Obama had better be ready to go meta if he wants the scorekeepers to give him a win. Here are some tips to help Obama show himself who's boss:

Growing up mixed race with an absent Dad, it's no wonder Obama has messed around with drugs. With his background he's bound to have self-esteem issues, which means Barack Obama might be his own worst enemy. For Obama to keep from bringing himself down, he needs to practice some self-affirmation exercises. In the morning and at night before bed, Obama should stand in front of the mirror and repeat to himself, "Barack Obama, you are a super, super guy. Congratulations on being a winner, a winner at life!"

Barack Obama has no intention of losing to Barack Obama. If cornered, he might side-step the issues and attack Obama on personal demons and deep, dark secrets that only Barack Obama would know about himself. Obama might think that Obama would never stoop so low as to bring up the time Obama let his best friend drown in a swimming hole because he was afraid to go in after him, or the time Obama helped some bullies beat up a weaker kid in grade school just to look cool. But if the option is losing, Barack Obama is not afraid to chum the waters of his own soul to bring out the sharks.

Barack Obama shares a taste in clothes with himself, and it's quite likely that Obama could show up wearing the exact same outfit as his opponent. Just to keep viewers from getting confused, one of them should wear a pocket square or something.

Few moments are as terrifying as when a human being sets his eyes on his own doppelganger. Obama is likely to feel as if his very existence is suddenly perched upon a sheet of ice that is slowly cracking underneath his feet, with the knowledge that the world below is comprised of only darkness and cold. To avoid this happening, Obama should keep a sharp pin on his podium with which he can prick his own thumb, allowing the pain to remind him that he is real.

Quantum physicists are not clear on what might happen to the world as we know it if a presidential candidate engages in a televised debate with himself. Many say the minute the debate begins, the entire human race could disappear, and it will be as if the very idea of human consciousness was never even conceived. Others are more optimistic, but almost everyone agree that it will be pretty freaky. To prevent the knowable world from being sucked into a black hole, Obama should keep some photographs of loved ones on his podium. If the people in the photographs start to disappear like in "Back To The Future," Obama should try to get as far away from himself as possible. The rest of us should just fall to our knees and pray.

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"Status of Debate Remains Uncertain" -NYT