November 03, 2008

Election Day, when America pretends that every vote counts

Sure, that looks trustworthy.

Finally, with mere hours left until election day, it's time to take a deep breath, sit back and crap yourself with worry that your vote won't be counted. Long lines, a lack of machines, and the threat of broken equipment are freaking people out coast to coast. (There's so much concern about voting problems that the Huffington Post has an entire "big news" page devoted to the topic, whatever that means.)

Whether you vote electronically, with a punchcard or on an antiquated dinosaur of a mechanical machine, bone up on our handy voting tips and maybe you can help keep voting irregularities to a minimum. Though probably not.

How to Vote

ELECTRONIC VOTING
	1. Some polling places use electronic voting machines, also known as e-voting. If your polling place is located in a predominantly African-American neighborhood, you may experience what is known as e-disenfranchisement.
	2. Simply touch the screen next to the name of your selected candidate. If the machine registers a vote for a different candidate than the one you intended to choose (called "flipping"), this means you probably really meant to vote for the other guy and just didn't realize. Remember, this is a computer and it knows better than you.
	3. If your voting machine malfunctions, you will know because it will become sentient and begin systematically terminating your vital life functions. If you need further assistance, ask the man in the Diebold uniform wearing the McCain/Palin '08 button.
PUNCH BALLOT VOTING
	1. When you arrive at the polling place, you will be given a punch card ballot and an envelope to put it in when you are done voting. Immediately cross out the Board of Elections address and print your own address on the envelope. You can't trust those bastards with your vote.
	2. Place the ballot in the holder, then use the stylus to punch the card next to the name of your selected candidate.
	3. After realizing you have misaligned the card and voted for the wrong person, use the stylus to jab yourself in the eye. Ask your friendly polling place volunteer for the location of the nearest hospital.
MECHANICAL VOTING
	1. Some states still rely on mechanical voting machines, which invariably feature a curtain that looks like it was stolen from your grandmother's sofa cushions. Many of these machines still have Wendell Willkie listed as a candidate for president.
	2. To vote, enter the booth and pull the curtain shut behind you. Stare at the switches and dials and get confused. Be too embarrassed to ask for help. Randomly flick a bunch of switches up and down. Make sure you spend enough time in the booth to give anyone waiting outside the impression that you are carefully making a thoughtful choice.
	3. Pull the honkin' big lever to register your vote. Enjoy the mechanical crunch. Satisfying, isn't it? Go ahead...do it again. Nobody minds.