Now that the Black Friday numbers are in, it's time for the analysis to show just how screwed retailers are going to be this year. We wanted to review the consumer stats and break it all down into "The Good News" and "The Bad News." But after a quick review, we decided it would be necessary to throw in a few more categories...

The Good News

- Lots of consumers shopped on Friday. The biggest turnout in 3 years!

- Average dollar amount spent per shopper was up from last year!

The Bad News

-Retailers discounted their items so drastically to lure shoppers that many probably won't have turned a profit.

The Very Bad News

-The number of consumers who claimed to have completed their shopping on Friday was higher than in previous years, which means they won't be coming back.

The "OH DEAR CHRIST ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" news

-A Wal-Mart employee in Valley Stream, NY was trampled to death by stampeding shoppers when the doors opened at 5 AM.

The "Jesus, what the hell's wrong with people?" news

-When other employees tried to help the trampled employee up, they too were trampled (they lived).

The "OH NO. NO! NOOOOO!" news

-The store told the shoppers that they were closing due to the fact that they had murdered one of their employees, but the shoppers refused to stop shopping, occasionally stepping over the dead employee to race to another bargain.

The "This is just so...It's just...For a vacuum? Seriously? This country, I swear. Do you ever wonder if Al Qaeda is right about us?" news

-One of the hot bargains customers trampled the employee to get to was a $28 vacuum.

The "OH, IT WAS A BISSEL? GOTTA ADMIT, THOSE ARE GOOD VACUUMS" news

-The vacuum was a Bissel Compact Upright.

Our Economic Forecast

Based on the data, we conclude that no matter how many TVs get sold this year, America will be reduced to a pile of ash before Easter.

Posted by: Bob Powers      I’m a fan of Bob Powers