Hey, currently unemployed American! Your suspicions were right. Not only is our economy in a recession, but it has been for a whole freaking year already!

The key question every American should be asking himself is, of course, "When should I begin huddling in my own basement with nothing but bottles of urine and a pistol with a single bullet in the chamber?" Slow down, buddy. Yes, there is reason to panic, but you don't want to jump the gun. To react appropriately to the decline of our economy, simply refer to our new Financial Planning Guide below. It's an easy, six-point plan for dealing carefully and smartly with the economic recession.

A 23/6 FINANCIAL PLANNING GUIDE

Six Ways To Seriously Lose Your Shit
Now That We Are In a Recession

Now that we know for sure that we've been in a recession for a year already, you are way overdue for losing your shit. Here's how!

Don't Just Make A Run On Banks

After you pull all of your money out of the bank, smash the bank's windows and set the bank on fire, just to show the bank who's boss.

Push Your Daughters Out To Sea

When the Government begins forcing all American women under the age of 16 into nationalized prostitution, you'll want your daughters out of the country. Put them on a raft and push the raft into the ocean. Attach a pink flag to the raft so you can find them after the Great War For Salt and Rice has ended and you'll have the leisure to hunt the seas.

Bury Your Soups

People are going to start murdering each other for soup before Valentines Day. Bury all of your canned and dehydrated soups under the rudimentary latrine you should have already dug into your living room floor.

Learn The Language of the Trees

You may need to leave your home and go and live in the woods until Paulson finally starts pouring those stimulus funds into the economy. If you're going to live in the forest, it's only polite that you learn the language. Remain very still and listen to the rustling of the leaves for about a month. When you're ready, speak.

Murder Your Cats

One word: Cat-makazis. Slice Mr. Wiffleberger's throat right now or he'll be drafted into a militia and forced to adorably infiltrate rival camps with explosives strapped around his little tabby torso. That's no way to treat such a pretty, fluffy friend.

Finally, Eat All Of Your Cash

If you have any cash left, eat it. American currency is chemically treated so it will survive passage through the intestine. If anyone wants to get their hands on your money during this recession, they're either going to have to carve into your stomach or sift through your stool.

FOLLOW THESE TIPS AND YOU ARE GUARANTEED TO ENJOY THE MOST PANICKED, HYSTERICAL AND DISGUSTING RECESSION POSSIBLE! Posted by: Bob Powers      I’m a fan of Bob Powers