Wall Street bankers are still having trouble swallowing the whole "you don't get bonuses for crippling a global economy" thing. Merrill Lynch's CEO John Thain recently asked his board for a $10 million bonus (they declined). Morgan Stanley is still giving bonuses to employees, with the condition that they'll take the money back if the employees cause any more recessions in the coming years.

How hard is it to tell these guys you don't get a bonus in a year when your company, and society as a whole, has been brought to its knees? After the jump we've created a little tip sheet to help explain to whiny brokers that Santa just isn't going to bring them a bonus this year, no matter how hard they beg.

How To Break The News To A Wall Street Banker That He's Not Getting A Bonus This Year

Handy tips to help field questions from bankers having trouble accepting that they're just not going to get that bonus.

Question from i-banker: How big's my bonus?

Explain that since your bank has had to accept a taxpayer funded bailout, you've decided not to award bonuses this year.

Q: No, seriously, how big?

Tell the employee that since bonuses are performance based, the fact that your bank was nearly shut down after an historic decades long run indicated that the performance this year did not merit bonuses.

Q: I said, "How big?"

Just say, "No bonus. Bonus. No."

Q: Big. How?

Type on a piece of paper, "You will not receive a bonus this year," and leave space at the bottom for the employee to sign his name, indicating that he has "read the above statement and believes that he will not receive a bonus."

Q: 2 million?

Grab the nearest newspaper and tell the employee to read the headlines on the front page out loud. Ask him to identify the person in the front page photo, testifying in front of congress. After he identifies the person as your bank's CEO, tell him that this is why he won't be getting a bonus this year.

Q: 3 million?

At this point you should write the words "You are not getting a bonus this year" on a piece of notebook paper, tape the piece of paper to a brick, and throw the brick at the banker's head.

Q: Do you think I should use my bonus to buy a boat and name the boat "2008" after the year I got such a big bonus that I could buy a boat?

Tell the employee if he's going to name anything after the year 2008, it should be a disease. Like if they come up with a new kind of AIDS that's just like AIDS but also keeps i-bankers from getting bonuses, they should name that strain of AIDS, "AIDS 2008."

Q: What were we talking about?

Remind the employee that you were talking about why he's not getting a bonus this year.

Q: No seriously, what were we talking about?

Just draw a pretend check on the back of a napkin in the amount of $2 million and give it to the employee. It will be embarrassing when he tries to cash his napkin, but it will at least get him to leave your office before you cave in his skull with a paperweight.

Posted by: Bob Powers      I’m a fan of Bob Powers