We know there's no way to promise that we'll never experience another year so shitty as 2008, but we can at least try to learn from our mistakes. As we continue to enjoy this extended holidayish weekend respite before the sky starts raining shit again, we'd like to take this time to reflect on all that we learned from 2008, and all the stuff we hope never happens again. Let's narrow it down to five, shall we?

Five Things We'll Never Do Again After 2008

The Six-Month Long Primary

The GOP didn't do much right this year, but they at least knew when to end their primary (once the last Jesus-freak got creamed, they were ready to move on). That was a big contrast to the Bataan Death March that was the Democratic Primary. Calling it a horse race was inaccurate. Horse races are exciting and they last for about ninety seconds, and even if you have to go to a photo finish, the loser eventually admits to having lost. This year's Democratic primary threatened to never end, even when everyone on the planet declared it officially over. We're inclined to blame Hillary for not quitting when it was clear she'd lost, but we're sure that Hillary is inclined to blame Obama, for not quitting when it was clear that he was taking that which belonged to her. No matter who's to blame, let's never let this happen again. The next time the Democrats hold a Primary, everyone just refuse to pay attention until they stop.

Investing In Anything

Our knowledge of the financial markets has always been limited to the fine print of a free checking offer, and that kind of ignorance made our kind the financial wizards of 2008. We still aren't sure how to buy stock but we are no longer embarrassed by that fact. For most of the past five years we thought we were missing out on the chance to make some big money by never learning how e*trade works. Now that we still have the same three digit balance in checking that we had at the beginning of the year, we can say we made it through 2008 okay by playing it safe.

Worrying That a Halfwit Might Be Allowed to Run the Country Just Because She's Sarcastic and Got Knocked Up Five or Six Times

For two weeks in September, we lost all faith in the American voter (well, we never had any. still don't). We thought that because some asshole got on stage, called herself a mom, and delivered some sarcastic smack-talk about how community organizers suck, that America would let her run the country. We were wrong to be so scared. Sure, America probably would have let her run the country, but not if she had to listen to that old guy! We promise not to doubt American voters again until 2012.

Being Alone With A State Governor

Whether they're trying to pick your pocket or grab your crotch, if you're alone with a state governor they're gonna try to get down your pants. Thanks to Blago and Spitzer, we know to never be alone in a room with a Governor again. You're either gonna be indicted or pressured into bareback anal. It's just not worth it.

Voting

This year's election drew unprecedented interest from voters. For many Americans, this was the first and last election that they will vote in. We made it count, sure, but man did it suck to be inside an elementary school again. Here's hoping Obama can pull it off in 2012 without the turnout.

Posted by: Bob Powers      I’m a fan of Bob Powers