Race Relations

The Atlantic Monthly really depressed us this week. In addition to predicting the demise of the New York Times, it is warning about the End of White America. WTF? What are we going to tell our blue-eyed nieces? Where are white people supposed to go? Iceland is bankrupt!

Dang. Instead of leaving America, we encourage whites to stay and adapt. We've come up with four surefire methods to adjust from being America's boss to its bored intern.

How white people can cope with the End of White America

Miscegenation. If you can't beat/enslave them, bang 'em. The act of siring or giving birth to minority babies kind of makes you a minority yourself. Like the dentist on Seinfeld who converted to Judaism so he could tell Jewish jokes, any woman who grows a Dominican in her vagina is cleared to make "black" and/or "Hispanic" jokes. Sweet.

Nothing is your fault. All of America's problems are not your fault. You aren't in charge anymore. In fact, you did a pretty good job (til 2000) and then you passed the baton. If the "minority" leg of the American relay loses our lead, it's not your fault. Now doesn't that feel more relaxing?

No more slavery apologies. That guilt that kept you looking at your toes during the Civil War part of American History? It's over. You no longer have to remind African-Americans that the Irish suffered too, and try to convince them the effects of Cromwell's England still linger in your dysfunctional family. It took AAs 150 years, but they finally won. Big time. Turns out that phrase, "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," also applies to a race of people. (except Native Americans, of course. What didn't kill them made them into alcoholics.)

Embracing public assistance. Remember raging against "welfare queens?" Turns out you were just jealous, not financially responsible. But don't worry, because now the bathroom slipper is on the other foot. Food stamps don't see color and when the minority tax base begins funding your breakfast of low-fat kettle corn popcorn, you'll be ashamed of your Reaganesque ranting.

Posted by: Laurie Kilmartin      I’m a fan of Laurie Kilmartin