The seventh season of "24" premieres tonight, and its few remaining fans can't wait to find out how Kiefer Sutherland's Jack Bauer character will conduct himself in the age of Obama. The show has been accused of endorsing the "torture 'em all, let God sort 'em out" mandate of the Bush administration through agent Jack Bauer's near fetishistic reliance on torture to derive confessions out of his enemies. With the season premiere just days before Obama's swearing in, everyone is wondering whether Jack Bauer will change his torturin' ways and employ some more "Obama-friendly" tactics.

Wonder no longer, as we've got ourselves an advance copy of the premiere and decided to liveblog it! Check out the liveblog below to see exactly how Jack Bauer will be going rogue in Obama's America. Spoiler alert! (but not really since we made the whole thing up)

Liveblog of "24" - The Season 7 Premiere

00:00: Cold open on a Senate Committee hearing. Jack Bauer is seated before the committee
00:02: Senator Roland Burris from Illinois asks Jack exactly what he thought he was doing torturing so many terrorist suspects. Bauer is instructed by his lawyer not to answer until the question is put to him by a real Senator.
00:04: An explosion is heard. Some terrorists are reported to be invading the Capitol Building. All anti-terrorism forces are ordered to stand down while Jack goes in alone.
00:07: Jack kills all but one terrorist. He locks himself in a broom closet with the terrorist, ties the terrorist to a chair, strips off the terrorist's shirt, and begins to reason with him. The camera pans away so that we can only hear the terrorist being convinced of Bauer's argument without having to watch.
00:09: After several minutes of being reasoned with, the terrorist tells Jack where the bomb is hidden, but he says there's only one man who can stop it and he won't tell Jack how to find that man.
00:11: Without speaking, Jack goes to the mop sink and fills a bucket with water. The terrorist just watches, unsure of what Jack is about to do. Jack throws the water on the terrorist. The terrorist thanks Jack because he was feeling warm. Jack says he could tell. The terrorist realizes Jack isn't such a bad guy so he tells him how to find the man who can stop the bomb. Cut to commercial

00:14: Jack hunts down the terrorist who can stop the bomb.
00:17: He shoves the terrorist out a window. The terrorist tumbles out onto a balcony overlooking downtown DC. Jack climbs out to take in the view with him.
00:19 Jack and the terrorist talk about life, family, and how crazy the world can be sometimes as they watch the sunset behind the Washington Monument.
00:21: Jack says, "Really gives you hope doesn't it? That we can make a change." The terrorist says, "Yes...we can."
00:23: After watching the sunset a little longer, the terrorist says, "About that bomb I rigged to blow, its--" Jack shushes him. The two men sit in silence as the golden rays of the winter sun bathe the nation's capital in a heavenly glow.
00:27: The sun finally down, the terrorist leads Jack to the bomb. When they get there, the terrorist finally says, "Wait. I should get something out of this. I want a cabinet position." Cut to commercial.

00:31: Jack is on the phone with the president, pleading with the president to appoint the terrorist to the cabinet. The president offers him Secretary of Commerce.
00:32: The terrorist says, "I'm not an a-hole. Gimme something with some clout. Secretary of State."
00:36: The president asks her current nominee for Secretary of State if she'll step aside for the sake of the country. The current nominee for Secretary of State laughs her ass off and hangs up the phone.
00:39: The president tells Jack she's running into some trouble getting that appointment. Jack shouts, "Mrs. President there's no time! How about Secretary of Defense?"
00:42: The president announces that she's appointed an international terrorist for Secretary of Defense. Chris Matthews hastily praises the decision as the work of a leader who's trying to build a real team of rivals. "This move shows that the president doesn't want to be surrounded by yes-men but needs the input of people who disagree with her, even when the input is coming from an international terrorist who cares about nothing more than our nation's destruction." Everyone else in the media calls the decision retarded. Cut to commercial.

00:46: The Senate has hastily convened a confirmation committee to confirm the terrorist as Secretary of Defense.
00:48: Senator Al Franken asks why the terrorist set the bomb in the first place. The terrorist is instructed by his lawyer to not answer the question until it's asked by someone who didn't snort coke with John Belushi and Garrett Morris.
00:50: The terrorist explains why he set the bomb. He says it was because the United States used to torture people, but since they don't anymore and we are now in a time when the United States is willing to work with other countries to make the world a better place, he decided to stop the bomb.
00:52: Jack Bauer is crying. He can't believe it was his tactics that caused this man to want to take human life.
00:53: The terrorist approaches Jack. Jack asks, "Can we hug?" The terrorist says, "Yes...we can."
00:54: Jack and the terrorist hug while all the Senators applaud.
00:55: Alaska secedes and declares war on the United States. Everyone laughs.
Fade to black.

Posted by: Bob Powers      I’m a fan of Bob Powers