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Ariane Zurcher

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A Letter to You (Who Wrote 'I Wish I Didn't Have Aspergers')

Posted: 04/30/2012 5:34 pm

You are beautiful.

It doesn't matter that we've never met. It doesn't matter that you do not know who I am.

You are beautiful.

You are beautiful exactly as you are, at this moment, no matter how sad, how angry, how confused or lonely you may feel, you are beautiful. We live in a world and in a society with fears that which it does not understand. The majority of those people are different from you. That does not make you wrong or bad or any other derogatory word you may have heard directed at you. It simply means you are different.

You are beautiful.

There are others, others who are similar to you who also inhabit this world. My daughter, Emma, is one of them. Emma is 10. Emma does not know what Google is or if she does, she cannot communicate that she does. She, like you, is wired differently. Emma is autistic. She has many challenges. There are things that are much, much harder for her to do, like reading and writing and speaking. Emma has lots of sensory issues that cause her tremendous discomfort and even pain, but there are other things that are easy for her. It is easy for Emma to be honest. It is easy for Emma to live in the present. Emma is without guile, and she does not bully or condemn, judge or gossip. She is without inhibitions. Emma loves people and she loves music. Music speaks to her in a way that conversational language cannot. When Emma dances to her favorite songs she becomes an extension of that music. She incorporates it into her being and it brings her, and those around her, tremendous joy. Emma is a free spirit and her beauty emanates from her without censorship.

She, like you, is beautiful.

Find your place in this crazy world. Speak out, and while many may not want to listen or may even try to silence you, do not let them. Do not remain silent. Add your voice to the chorus of others who are here with you, who are like you, who also have Aspergers. Say what you feel. Tell us what it is like to be you. We need your voice. I need your voice. My daughter cannot tell me these things, so I listen to others who are like her, but who can speak and/or write their thoughts. Each one of your voices is beautiful. There are many, many people like me who want to hear from you, who want to listen to what you have to say. Do not worry if your words express your sadness, depression and pain. There are those of us who will listen to you, no matter what you may say.

You are beautiful.

If people say things to you or about you that are cruel and hurtful, do not believe them. Their words are not a reflection of you, they are a reflection of them. There are many sad, angry, troubled people in this world who hurt others because of their rage and dissatisfaction with their life. No matter how much they may want you to believe that you had something to do with their unhappiness, you did not.

You are beautiful.

Someone typed into Google "I wish I didn't have Aspergers." From that Google search they found the blog Outrunning the Storm, a blog written by a mother of an Aspergers child. A number of bloggers got together and reached out to many of us, asking that we each contribute something. All of our posts have been published on the newly created AutismPositivity Day Flash Blog. If you would like to add something please follow this link to do so.

For more on Emma, go to: Emma's Hope Book

To read Emma's profile in "The Thinking Person's Guide to Autism," click here.

For more by Ariane Zurcher, click here.

For more on autism, click here.

 

Follow Ariane Zurcher on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Arianezurcher

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Xenia Grant
denver, co
11:13 PM on 05/07/2012
I love the fact that you are so positive about your autistic daughter! Bravo! We need to hear more positive things about people on the autism spectrum. I have AS myself and it is nice to know that there are people in the world that like us as we are. People are afraid of honesty, but with us, that is what you get. I just wish more people had total honesty and realize that the truth will set us free.

I also have sensory difficulties. I hate being in an enclosed room with lots of people because the noise bounces off the walls and the floor, but I can go to an event like Cinco de Mayo in downtown Denver and not mind it at all because of the Doppler effect taking over and spreading the noise around. Also, I can spot a cat, a foreign flag or language, or map anywhere. A good example is I was talking on the phone with a friend of mine, and I was watching TV (mute button on) and I saw the outline of the map of Antarctica. A lot of us on the spectrum notice things that others don't notice.

Again, Bravo for the good article and positive thinking about people like us.
10:19 AM on 05/03/2012
Oops! I forgot to thank the author of this article in my comment. I was so preoccupied with joining the 'You are not alone' song, I forgot to appreciate the articles kind words, sung so beautifully that we all couldn't wait to join in!! Ariane, thank-you for this article and reminder to shift our focus. There are so many wonderful people out there with a curiosity and desire to learn from difference. When we remember to do so, we can make THAT the bigger picture. We can have faith that everyone is able to shift and learn and hear our words. I don't have a single family member that doesn't challenge social preconceptions. It wasn't planned that way, but we absolutely love it! I showed this article to my boys last night and every single one of them nodded as they read. I was grateful and proud! Thanks for offering me that moment!!
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HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Ariane Zurcher
Writer and blogger
10:53 AM on 05/03/2012
You didn't have to say it, it was implied in your lovely words from your first comment. But thank you for coming back to say it again with these words.
08:51 PM on 05/02/2012
I'm going to keep this beautifully articulated message tucked away so I can use your words to do a better job supporting my son as he grows older and (likely) experiences some of the same feelings as the individual(s) you address in your article. From one mom to another, thank you.
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HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Ariane Zurcher
Writer and blogger
08:04 AM on 05/03/2012
Thank you Chris. Really appreciate your kind words.
03:19 PM on 05/02/2012
These words are very touching and so true to me. I have a 10 year old daughter with PDD/Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder and she is my entire world. The way you describe Emma is the same way my little girl is in so many ways. I tell my daughter all the time how pretty she is, how smart, how loving and wouldn't take all the money in the world for her. She is so beautiful and has a heart of pure gold. I just wish people would take the time to open their eyes and hearts and learn from these precious children and adults with these disorders. I learn from my own daughter each and everyday. I am the one truly blessed to have her in my life. Love you Tater Bug!!!!
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Ariane Zurcher
Writer and blogger
03:48 PM on 05/02/2012
Thank you for commenting, Debora. I feel the same way!
02:29 PM on 05/02/2012
I have four brothers who were on the autism spectrum. There were days when my youngest brother would bang his head and cry painfully, "I want a knew brain!" That was a long time ago. I only share that as a way to say, your not alone. But as the oldest sister of four boys on the spectrum I can tell you, my life has been guided in important ways I would never have had the courage to travel without them. My mom (who adopted six kids, including my four autistic brothers) was able to help guide three of them into independence and is now a global autism expert. She travels the world, THE WORLD, teaching neurofeedback, play therapy and family dynamics counseling to families of autism. She meets and adores Aspergers in Lebanon, Paris, Canada, India, Uganda... and here in the USA. Everywhere there are people trying to figure out how to fit into a world that seems ill prepared for change. But change is what is needed. Because of my brothers I have insisted on speaking out to see that change. My brothers have begun sharing their own stories in order to reach out to people who feel, incorrectly, alone. I would love to share a laugh with you. My youngest brother, the one who used to want a 'new brain' is trying his hand at stand-up comedy. I'm sharing this clip with hope, love and togetherness! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHMqyN5CvCg
01:50 PM on 05/02/2012
When I was younger, I wished I didn't have Aspergers. Now I realize it is a part of my personality, and I've grown to like who I am. I wouldn't trade Aspergers now, for the world!
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Ariane Zurcher
Writer and blogger
03:50 PM on 05/02/2012
I've come around to the same view after spending my 20's and early 30's filled with self loathing. Aging is highly under-rated, it seems to me!
08:45 AM on 05/02/2012
Lovely words! What a great post of Autism Positivity!

What you say here is just "Pure Awesomeness!

"Do not remain silent. Add your voice to the chorus of others who are here with you, who are like you, who also have Aspergers. Say what you feel. Tell us what it is like to be you. We need your voice. I need your voice. My daughter cannot tell me these things, so I listen to others who are like her, but who can speak and/or write their thoughts. Each one of your voices is beautiful."

Thank you!
Angel
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Ariane Zurcher
Writer and blogger
09:14 AM on 05/02/2012
Thank you Angel! I have enjoyed reading your blog. For those who do not know of it, Angel writes a wonderful blog called - http://www.mindretrofit.com/.
05:15 PM on 05/02/2012
Thank you so much Ariane!
04:18 AM on 05/02/2012
Thank you for the kind words. I didn't realize anyone can see how you get to a blog by what you type on Google or on the blogs searches. I did type in that phrase a few weeks ago around April 7th. I would feel bad to think I made someone else feel sad by what I was looking for. I was trying to find others that felt the same way or to read something that I could relate to that would help to make me feel like there was hope, beyond the hopelessness I was feeling and still do feel. I feel so alone because of my inability to socialize appropriately, effectively communicate(especially verbally), and how I always say the wrong thing and make everyone angry at me. I'm and adult, I'm a female and I have Aspegers. I'm invisible to much of society. I love volunteering, but for some reason others don't want me to help out. It really hurts to feel rejected by everyone, even within a group that should understand you because they have children on the autism spectrum themselves. I want so much to see why I am not accepted and to be able to change it, but I can only change so much. We do have feelings and we do have abilities if people would just see past our difficulties.
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Ariane Zurcher
Writer and blogger
08:50 AM on 05/02/2012
Genisa - (this is a long response and will be sent in 3 parts due to word count issues on HuffPo) I'm so glad you reached out! If you haven't gone to the Autism Positivity 2012 Flash Blog - http://autismpositivity.wordpress.com/ - do. What you will find are responses to those words you typed into Google, written by Autistics, Parents of Autistics, Parents of Aspergers and Aspies. I don't know how many people contributed something, but I do know it's well over 115. Almost all of those people have blogs that you can go to and read, comment, reach out to them and most will respond if you do. So in typing those words - "I wish I didn't have Aspergers" - you unleashed and galvanized a huge group of people who support you, many understand, many have felt exactly as you do and many like myself who parent a child on the spectrum and imagined - "what if this was my child?" What would I say to them? What would I want them to know? And as I wrote in this post and for the Flash Blog - You are beautiful. If there is one thing I hope you come away with, it is that.
When I was in my 20's I was suicidal. This is not something I talk much about. I wanted very much to die. I thought about killing myself a great deal.
03:27 PM on 05/02/2012
I was wondering about the continuted part being part 3. I hope they will post it. I will then read part 3 so it makes sense :-)
I also had to shorten my reply as they have a limit on words, so my original post from yesterday was shortened to fit their requirement. I will have to post this reply in several segments so I hope they post it in order so others don't misunderstand me here too. Sometimes less is better, at least when it comes to me and my talking. I tend to talk too much, which is a female Aspergers trait. That combined with not fully comprehending social situations, or reading people right, can make for very awkward and upsetting situations. I am a very sensitive person. I don't always show it, but I do feel it. I am luck to have found a NT husband and we have two boys. One has been diagnosed as pdd/nos(but was severe when he was younger. He is now 11. My other has yet to get a diagnosis, but he is a little mini-me, so I dread for his future. It is different being the Mom with Aspergers as there isn't a lot out there when you "google" it. It is mostly about Dads with Aspegers from the NT moms perspective, but I find it all does help. (Cont. on next post....)
03:29 PM on 05/02/2012
part 2, cont.
I have "googled" quiet a few phrases, as that is where I go to find anything when I need an answer. In the past month, I have "googled": "alone", "lost", "seeing the world as it goes on, from behind glass"," alone in a crowd", support services for adults in my city(to which I really found none for those concidered "too high or too old" on the autism spectrum. ) I think I fit the "too old" as I am now 37. "What is life like without Aspegers", "I wish I didn't have Aspegers", "puzzle piece that doesn't fit" , etc. Also look up pics to explain how I feel and I use them on FB to explain to others how I feel since many times, my words just don't seem to do. I also have great artistic ability and had gone to an Art college on a partial scholarship back when I was right out of college. Back then, I was not diagnosed and had no idea as to what I needed and I got very depressed. Aspergers was only recognized in the U.S since 1994 and I graduated from high school in 1993. Once an adult, they don't even look at you for a possiblitiy for an autism spectrum disorder. Many seem to think it disappears after 21. It doesn't.
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Ariane Zurcher
Writer and blogger
08:53 AM on 05/02/2012
Part 3 - I was able to slowly stop trying to please all those other people that I felt condemned me, saw me as a failure, as a "bad" person.
I was able to slowly stop trying to please all those other people that I felt condemned me, saw me as a failure, as a "bad" person. And now, (I'm in my 50's) my life is better than I ever could have imagined. I have a wonderful husband who knows me and loves me exactly as I am, who loves me even when I'm angry and feel grumpy. I have two beautiful, amazing and unique children, one who is considered neurotypical and one who is autistic. And I am now a very, very happy human being. But thirty years ago, I was not. You are beautiful, Genisa. Let those of us who have trudged along similar or different paths love you until you can love yourself. (Someone said that to me early on in my recovery from bulimia - I had no idea what they were talking about and didn't believe them.) Reach out as you have, again and again, find those who you feel comfortable talking to, develop a relationship with them. You are not alone, Genisa. You are so not alone. And you ARE beautiful. Please reach out to me anytime. You can find me on my blog - www.emmashopebook.com. Or you can email me: emmashopeblog@gmail.com
07:05 AM on 05/01/2012
I wish I could write something like this, instead I have been putting links to everyones reponse on their blogs onto facebook. Well said.
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Ariane Zurcher
Writer and blogger
07:49 AM on 05/01/2012
Thank you so much Liz! And thank you for helping spread the word. Such a wonderful project.
11:41 PM on 04/30/2012
wonderful as always, Ariane! thank you for adding your voice!
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Ariane Zurcher
Writer and blogger
06:20 AM on 05/01/2012
Look what you and E. and Leah and all the others, who got together and decided to do something, have started! What a wonderful thing you've done! It was an honor to be a part of this.
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HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Ariane Zurcher
Writer and blogger
07:47 AM on 05/01/2012
Look what you guys have done?! This is so exciting! I am contacting some other journalists I know to see if this story can get picked up by some of the big mainstream papers and television. This is EXACTLY the story that needs to be told. Thank YOU for pulling this together and reaching out to us so that we could contribute! I was honored to be even a small part of this.
(This is the second time I've replied... Not sure where the first comment went? Lurking in cyber limbo, no doubt!)
12:22 PM on 05/01/2012
Oh Ariane, wouldn't that be wonderful if the story could get picked up! I hope you have some luck. thanks for trying. We are starting discussions of what to do next, there is just so much wonderful content there and it could do so much good for someone in need.
01:42 AM on 05/04/2012
This is a lovely post, Ariane!

Thank you for participating in our Flash Blog event and for helping us to promote it! I think we have not seen the last of these Autism Positivity efforts, and it is so exciting to see how we have been able to flood google with support and understanding.

Be the change!!

Leah Kelley
http://30daysofautism.wordpress.com/2012/04/29/0-days-of-autism-to-iwishididnthaveaspergers-a-letter-to-my-son-autismpositivity2012/
10:31 PM on 04/30/2012
Ariane, this was beautiful. I am so proud to be among the bloggers who have contributed to this movement. I look forward to following your blog & twitter and getting to know your family & Emma through that.

Sincerely,
Carrie Cooling - a mom with Asperger's syndrome
Owner - Parenting with Asperger's Syndrome on Facebook
http://parentingwithaspergers.blogspot.com/
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Ariane Zurcher
Writer and blogger
06:23 AM on 05/01/2012
Hi Carrie, thank you so much for reaching out. It's nice to meet you. I will look for you on FB.