Condi on Iraq: The Handy HuffPost Translation

At a news conference yesterday, Condoleezza Rice was asked about the New York Times story depicting U.S. military commanders as increasingly pessimistic about the outcome of the war in Iraq. Her answer was a model of obfuscation with more than a hint of that Bush administration specialty -- complete and unrelenting deception.

So, as a service to those who prefer their leadership straightforward and candid, I’ve taken the liberty of translating her response from Modern Bush-speak to plain English.

RICE: I believe the President has always said that his strategy is a strategy for success. He doesn't have an exit strategy; he has a success strategy.

TRANSLATION: What we say is true by virtue of us having said it. We do not reside in the "reality-based community." In fact, not only do we not have an exit strategy, we we don’t have any strategy at all. We’re screwed.

RICE: As I said when I was recently in Iraq, the United States is there, along with other coalition members, to support the Iraqis, to help them with their security until their forces are capable of doing that on their own.

TRANSLATION: I'm now answering a question that wasn't asked with a complete non-sequitur. And even that's a lie. Because the other "coalition members" do have a success strategy: they're getting the hell out. But I'm sure John Bolton will be able to get them back... when pigs fly.

RICE: The Iraqi security forces are making progress.

TRANSLATION: The Iraqi security forces are not making progress.

RICE: I think no one believes that they are currently capable of carrying out those missions on their own, but if you look at the way that they performed at the time of the elections, for instance, they performed really very, very well.

TRANSLATION: At least the ones that didn't run away or get killed.

RICE: The Foreign Minister and I did have discussions about the importance of an Iraqi political process that is inclusive of all Iraqis.

TRANSLATION: Though we steered clear of the rebuilding process, which is inclusive of all American companies with ties to Dick Cheney.

RICE: So it's a difficult proposition that the Iraqis are engaged in.

TRANSLATION: So it's a difficult proposition that we imposed on the Iraqis.

RICE: They are just emerging from a very long national nightmare with tyranny. Saddam Hussein was a terrible threat not just to his own people but to his neighbors.

TRANSLATION: Unlike that other guy who is still at large and a threat to the United States but whose name my boss and I can’t, for the life us, seem to remember.

RICE: And so it is not as if the situation that we found ourselves in was somehow preferable to the situation that we're in now, but it's going to be a difficult road to help the Iraqis to have a sustainable democracy. That's our goal.

TRANSLATION: Or at least that is the "fallback goal" we landed on after all our original reasons for going to war were exposed as lies.

RICE: Thank you very much.

TRANSLATION: F-off.