If you haven't read Anne-Marie Slaughter's cover story in the July/August issue of The Atlantic, titled "Why Women Still Can't Have It All," you've probably seen part of the discussion it sparked. With her argument that "among those who have made it to the top, a balanced life still is more elusive for women than it is for men," Anne-Marie -- a Princeton professor who was formerly the first woman to serve as the State Department's director of policy planning -- has renewed the debate by "bringing fresh twists to bear on longstanding concerns about status, opportunity and family," as the New York Times put it.
Of the points she makes, the one with which I most wholeheartedly agree is that we desperately need to purge our lives of one particular poison:
The culture of "time macho" -- a relentless competition to work harder, stay later, pull more all-nighters, travel around the world and bill the extra hours that the international date line affords you -- remains astonishingly prevalent among professionals today.
There are some points where Anne-Marie and I disagree -- and last month we had the opportunity to debate the issue in person -- but I was grateful that her article put the spotlight on an issue with deep implications not only for women, but for everyone: that by sacrificing our families -- and by extension, ourselves -- on the altar of our careers, we are in danger of cutting ourselves off from our own wisdom and perspective -- the very qualities that are so lacking in our macho work culture. And that by doing so, we play into a self-perpetuating destructive system that will require the same of others down the line.
Though time away from our families comes at a real and obvious cost, what does it actually win us in the work place? Not much.
Anne-Marie cites studies finding that that the number of men and women working 50-plus hour weeks is increasing and that our "always on" attitude toward work doesn't necessarily mean more productivity. Quite the opposite, in fact. As one study concludes: "When that time doesn't add a lot of value and comes at a high cost to talented employees, who will leave when the personal cost becomes unsustainable -- well, that is clearly a bad outcome for everyone."
How is that personal cost unsustainable? Let me count the ways.
Fortunately, in the face of this evidence, there's ample research suggesting that the solutions to our "always on," career-driven lives are within reach. Family can actually be a great thing for your career, by giving us perspective and the ability to be more detached from our working lives' daily ups and downs. Because, hey, we have something better waiting for us at home. Just knowing I'm going to see my daughters at the end of the day puts my whole work day in a different light. Even a phone call from one of my daughters during the day can center me like nothing else. I'm far less likely to get stressed over a setback -- and have you ever had a day without setbacks? Perhaps one day a brilliant scientist -- undoubtedly with a big family -- will come up with a name for this effect, but whatever it is, it has a big impact on things like confidence, mood, and enthusiasm, all of which are great assets in the workplace.
So, here is some of the encouraging research that shows the benefits that family life can have on our careers:
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-almost twice as likely as men to die within a year-
-more likely to put on weight-
-60 percent greater risk for type 2 diabetes
-resurgence of eating disorders in women ages 35 to 60.
-more likely to develop alcoholism
You've come a long way, baby!
But now that women are contributing to the workforce, this culture is suddenly a massive problem that needs to change immediately.
Sure looked real to me.
She had an ok govt job, i had a biz. valuable house (as it turned out +16% pa increase - 120k>~300k$. yet never forgave for insisting on it) paid for, she dropped the kids, i collected them & made dinner & did more hours at the office after kids bed time
I did all the cooking (she couldnt, i am good), laundry, shopping (she couldnt), renovations (w/ some hired help), dishwashing (via machine), cleaning anything she didnt just redo anyway ...
In the end, leaving was a moral decision. Its not right for kids to see a parent enduring abuse, verbal or otherwise. Its too bad a message to send that its ok. just passes it to the next generation. I & others suffered immensely, but I just couldnt do it & am proud I made a stand.
you ladies well know there are just as many nasty women out there as there are men, & bet you know examples of just this, so spare me the sexist flames..it needs to be said
find a balance that suits u both & compromise some mores - harmony is all
Its not about our egos, its the kids
FWIW, my husband did all of the cooking for our first 9 years together, but we got fat on his cooking, so I took over. That was 10 years ago.
nice to know there are fair minded women out there
One enters these rabid feminist threads & says something simple but fair
It all goes quiet - go figure?
not had much luck in that dept after I finally committed
must have been tricky, after u r a crap driver, next worse thing u can tell a bloke is he is a crap cook, tho lover comes close.
I assure u, My mum ensured i knew the basics. she, a farm girl & very wary of fat & me w/ 3 sisters. she seemed intent I should be self sufficient
i cooked for the 4 of us & it was lean & tasty
gimmie a few rashers of bacon, lentils, rice & peas & soy sauce & maybe chilli & whater else one would expect in a pantry - onions, garlic, oil, wok, veges ...
I could feed 10 easy w/ a big wok & a small one w/ 2 burners
have seen folks slice up sausages & put straight in a stew - yuk - revolting - no idea
FF
wahing cars, lawns, weeding, decorative painting, working longer for "nice things", obsessive laundry & tidiness & cleanliness, attending every game instead of pooling,...
Then they become martyrs if ou dont share their obsession - i do everything around here ...
well, you sure will when the divorce happens & the kids will have an absent dad. gotta be a good result.
chill out. who cares about the neighbors or your mother being sniffy about the state of the house?
none of it matters when you are dead. Take time to smell the flowers & have fun with your partner. The kids will be fine.