The Hastert Lobbying Reform Plan: A Tough Truffle to Swallow

Great news. The GOP has decided to clean up Washington. This week, Denny Hastert released the Republican plan to reform lobbying rules. As soon as he did, the naysayers began jumping all over it. For instance, there was this description from the Washington Post:

"According to lobbyists and ethics experts, even if Hastert's proposal is enacted, members of Congress and their staffs could still travel the world on an interest group's expense and eat steak on a lobbyist's account at the priciest restaurants in Washington.

"The only requirement would be that whenever a lobbyist pays the bill, he or she must also hand the lawmaker a campaign contribution. Then the transaction would be perfectly okay."

Sure, maybe that's a loophole, but lobbying reform is, to quote our President on another front, "hard work." I mean, just look at some of the other provisions of the House GOP plan and tell me this isn't tough lobbying reform:

• Only one appetizer per entrée.
• No ordering an extra basket of bread if the meal includes a complimentary one.
• At the end of the meal, regular coffee only -- no lattes, no cappuccinos, no exceptions.
• When the time comes for the bill, Members must at least make a gesture as if reaching for their wallets, and, when assured that it is "taken care of," must say at least once, "you sure?"
• On flights paid for by lobbyists, Members of Congress may only fly Executive Class (full horizontal beds) -- not Premier Executive Class (full horizontal beds with those little canopies).
• Vodka martinis can be made only with Absolut or Smirnoff, not with Belvedere, Grey Goose, Stoli Gold or Ketel One.
• Only black truffles may be ordered - not white truffles. Unless the Member "really, really loves white truffles," and this is attested to by at least two other people at the table.
• Lobbyists may not book Members into a hotel with bed linens that have a thread count of over 700.
• When attending a sporting event in a skybox, Members must sit in the second row of the box, and, when ordering snacks, must let at least one other person order first.
• When golfing at St. Andrews in Scotland, if the foursome playing behind the Member is playing faster than the Member's foursome, the former group must be allowed to "play through."
• When on a complimentary trip to a beach resort, if the Member is laying out on the beach, and the cocktail bar is within sight, the Member must get up and make his cocktail order at the bar, instead of availing himself of waiter service.

Are you still going to tell me that's not real reform? It's practically like being in a prison! Clearly, the Republicans aren't going to be able to please everybody, but we all owe Speaker Hastert a big round of applause for trying to push through such stringent measures. Or at least the Presidential Medal of Freedom.