Vacationing with My Ex

CRETE -- My ex-husband and I recently celebrated our 12th anniversary. That's how long we've been divorced -- one year longer than we were married.

Just like marriage, divorce isn't easy either, and ours has been no exception. But even though we no longer had a marriage to keep us together, we had something even more powerful -- our daughters. And, spurred by our mutual devotion to them, we have made a huge effort to work through all the difficulties and be friends.

This has included spending Christmas Day and both of our girls' birthdays together as a family every year. And, little by little, with a lot of hard work, we've grown closer and closer. Indeed, a couple of years ago, on what would have been our 20th wedding anniversary, a magnificent bouquet of flowers that included twenty yellow roses arrived at my home. The card said, "Happy 20th Anniversary. We'll always be the parents of two remarkable young women. Love, Michael."

But this is the first time since our divorce we have gone on a summer vacation as a family.

This kind of concentrated together time can often prove to be stressful. But we are having a fabulous time, hanging out as a foursome, eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner together, and exploring the exquisite beauty of Crete -- Kriti to my fellow Greeks. The brilliant sand, the jasmine-filled air, the crystalline sea, the jutting mountains -- and history to be found with practically every step you take. Crete was home to the oldest Greek civilization, as well as Ariadne (who helped Theseus slay the Minotaur and then became the bride of Dionysus), and Nikos Kazantzakis (who gave us Zorba the Greek).

What we are doing more than anything, though, is talking. About anything and everything. We have spent a lot of time strolling down Memory Lane, and also taking mental journeys into the future. These future forays have been both practical (our youngest daughter is heading into her final year of high school, which means another round of college application deadlines!) and fanciful (we spent a lot of time the other night, for example, debating the pros and cons of evening weddings and the names of yet-to-be born -- and, thankfully, yet-to-be-conceived -- children).

The surest sign that my ex and I have reached a better place is a newfound willingness on both our parts to not let our pet peeves get in the way of our having a good time. Even in the happiest of marriages, there are little things that each partner does that inevitably set the other one off. These annoyances are magnified ten-fold when you are no longer together as a couple -- which is why making an effort to avoid them is one of the secrets of a good divorce.

For instance, Michael really hates it when we are together and I check my Blackberry or, god forbid, take a call on my cell. Especially when we are out eating. So I have kept to a 100 percent Blackberry ban during all meals. And he hasn't made a big deal of the couple of times I forgot to turn my phone off and it began to ring (especially since I didn't take the calls).

For my part, I am really put off by the way he openly fumes if I am even one second late for something. Even on vacation (I always thought not having to adhere to a strict timetable was one of the defining features of a vacation!). This trip has been different. When I rolled in a few minutes late to dinner the other night, he wasn't glaring at his watch. Instead, he greeted me with a warm smile.

It's been great. And especially great for the kids to have their parents not only not be on edge with each other, but actually enjoying one another's company.

Our children, after all, are the most important thing in our lives -- and in most parents' lives, for that matter. It's a fact that becomes even more inescapable here in Greece, which is an utterly child-centered society. Children here are treated as little gods, creatures of worship -- little totemic beings everyone wants to touch and nurture. They are made to feel so special, with even the tiniest accomplishment cause for exclamations of appreciation and praise.

The fact that Michael and I have these two girls (young women now, really) together is a bond that transcends all grievances we have had through the years.

And while we did not survive as a couple, at least we've survived in the joint parenting of our daughters. We have gotten to the point where there is really nothing left to work out -- and it feels completely natural to be able to sit on a beautiful beach or stroll through the lovely streets of Agios Nikolaos together.

"God," our youngest daughter said the other day, "it's hard to remember you guys are divorced."

For some reason, that made me very, very happy. It felt like I had reached the end of a long and arduous journey. And we were all the better for having made it.

I only hope that, for the sake of the over one million children a year whose parents get divorced, it's a journey more and more families take.

Follow Arianna Huffington on Twitter: www.twitter.com/ariannahuff

Comments

[cakejab]

Beautiful and inspiring, thank you Arianna and congratulations!! Divorce is a difficult thing to go through, but getting over it is such a milestone as you've shown. Congrats, again!!!

[katielady]

Arianna, it was enlightening to read this blog. You have traveled far emotionally and done it with grace; am impressed with the resolve on both your parts. My marriage failed for the same reason as yours This took time and grace, as I said.. ..

[QueueFormsHere]

My parents split when my sisters and I were 14, 13, 11. Took 18 years... the christening for my second child... until my parents could endure the pain of being together for the sake of sharing in their children's joy. In the 12 years since, my sisters and I have been fortunate to share many family vacations and dozens and dozens of meals, concerts, picnics, events with an unusual, happy extended family. Sometimes, I thought one or the other would retreat - occasional sarcastic comments and hints of old hurts - but now they tease one another with genuine fondness. My sisters, and our children are blessed. You and Michael have given your children something truly precious.

[SCrespi]

Brava, Arianna! Closing the circle can not only heal but it can create a new and even stronger energy for everyone to go forward. Chances are, if you chose to have children with someone you were seeking to align yourself with someone who could respond to a need and desire in you for personal growth.
I've managed to remain friendly with my ex who is my daughter's father over the years and although there are still times I become impatient or frustrated with him (as I'm sure he does with me), I've been able to concentrate on those traits that attracted me to him and which satisfied my needs. We share a curiosity and passion the environment, other cultures and the spiritual path. I always tease him by saying I married you mainly for your family and I'm particularly fond of his mother! We were meant to be friends and to have a child. And finally, after many years, we have suddenly gone to a whole new level - a crystal of power seems to be forming between he, his new lady, my daughter, her husband and myself.
I'm so grateful and happy that he's in my life, that over the years, we've both grown, separately and together.

[berkeleygirl1962]

Of the many wonderful things my parents did for me, a good marriage followed by a good divorce ranks among the most important. Sharing your story is a gift to us all.

[AlinaM]

I suppose we are celebrating with Arianna a golden moment after divorce.

I divorced while very young, in my late twenties for reasons that I would now consider unimportant and that are the subject of some regret. Pet peeves become transient and unimportant as we age and gain a bit more wisdom. The larger issues become part of the history that forms us which are a source of solace and comfort in our old age. Perhaps it takes time and experience to fully understand the true meaning of love.

Happy trails to Arianna a and to all of us.

[pointsofvision]

I have one sentence to say to you Arianna....Lady, I love your character.
You continue to educate us by your own actions.
My ex and I have vacationed together with our child once a year since our marriage broke up. We have spent important holidays with him as a unit and I have attended her family functions without fail because to me, the fact that our marriage didn't work out did not destroy the friendship that existed with her and the 2 families before we got married.
I consider my ex a loyal friend and she is no different than any of my close men friends.

[Arleeda]

Lucky you, Arianna! The secret I think, is that you and Michael actually like each other. Not so with me and my ex, who still have no relationship after nearly 40 years of divorce. Truth is, we were never suited and are totally different. We really don't like each other at all, and I can't understand why we ever married--except that we were very young and inexperienced. Our son is more like his father's family--very southern, ultraconse­rvative--b­ut I do have two wonderful granddaughters that I hope to have some influence on!

[Noelle Cigarroa Perese - Huffpost Blogger]

I wish my parents were more like you and your ex-husband. Sometimes time doesn't heal all wounds. Your daughters are very lucky to have you and your ex-husband as their parents who put them first, instead of their own wounded egos.

[jazzdrummerb]

Awesome.

[JeffBar]

I remember turning on "The Commonwealth Club" on KQED some time in the 90's, hearing that Ariana was on, and preparing to reach for the off switch given what I knew of her from her columns some years previous. But instead, she talked about the influence of big money on law making, and made complete sense. Today, HuffPost is my primary news source.
The sign of well adapted, intelligent people is that they accept new information and adjust their views and behavior. They don't throw out the good, they figure out how to incorporate that into their adjusted life and world view. In this, Ariana is a model to us all.

[Owlygirl]

How utterly awesome.

What a truly happy ending, huh?

[shylove2]

Now's the time to free ourselves completely...
We need emotional and financial stability so this arrangement is a futility.
Instead we should have group living arrangements with contractual conditions allowing biodivesification of sexual relations.
A group would be much more flexible and stable and not have the fear of total emotional and financial abandonment. It would allow for pooled wage less devastated by job losses and allow for some to stay home and attend to the hearth and family in a world of increasing eco-economic stress and instability.
The nuclear family died when both parents had to work to make enought to live. When there was less time to keep up a house, job, family, and sexual relations. This isn't a matter of rich elitist privilege it is an matter of survival and recognition of sexual instincts for genetic diversity as well as security.
It is time to think outside of the suburban box and the autocratic patriarchal God of dominance and submission. The god of war of the sexes and war against our own senses!!!

If you can afford more than one residence then the options are greater but environmental impacts of over-consumption also increase.

[Sara Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Brava, Arianna. Beautiful writing, moving and evocative. We can feel ourselves in that sunny place with you, and aim toward it.

Sara Davidson

[flamenco]

Arianna,
That's lovely to hear that. It takes a whole lot of character to be able to have a successful "divorced relationship". I would say that it may be more difficult than being a successful professional, for instance. Bravo on that really big achievement!

I've admired you since I first saw you on a debate show years ago. And yes, you're gorgeous, too. :)

Have a lovely vacation!!!!!

Yasou! Dave