Vacationing with My Ex
CRETE -- My ex-husband and I recently celebrated our 12th anniversary. That's how long we've been divorced -- one year longer than we were married.
Just like marriage, divorce isn't easy either, and ours has been no exception. But even though we no longer had a marriage to keep us together, we had something even more powerful -- our daughters. And, spurred by our mutual devotion to them, we have made a huge effort to work through all the difficulties and be friends.
This has included spending Christmas Day and both of our girls' birthdays together as a family every year. And, little by little, with a lot of hard work, we've grown closer and closer. Indeed, a couple of years ago, on what would have been our 20th wedding anniversary, a magnificent bouquet of flowers that included twenty yellow roses arrived at my home. The card said, "Happy 20th Anniversary. We'll always be the parents of two remarkable young women. Love, Michael."
But this is the first time since our divorce we have gone on a summer vacation as a family.
This kind of concentrated together time can often prove to be stressful. But we are having a fabulous time, hanging out as a foursome, eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner together, and exploring the exquisite beauty of Crete -- Kriti to my fellow Greeks. The brilliant sand, the jasmine-filled air, the crystalline sea, the jutting mountains -- and history to be found with practically every step you take. Crete was home to the oldest Greek civilization, as well as Ariadne (who helped Theseus slay the Minotaur and then became the bride of Dionysus), and Nikos Kazantzakis (who gave us Zorba the Greek).
What we are doing more than anything, though, is talking. About anything and everything. We have spent a lot of time strolling down Memory Lane, and also taking mental journeys into the future. These future forays have been both practical (our youngest daughter is heading into her final year of high school, which means another round of college application deadlines!) and fanciful (we spent a lot of time the other night, for example, debating the pros and cons of evening weddings and the names of yet-to-be born -- and, thankfully, yet-to-be-conceived -- children).
The surest sign that my ex and I have reached a better place is a newfound willingness on both our parts to not let our pet peeves get in the way of our having a good time. Even in the happiest of marriages, there are little things that each partner does that inevitably set the other one off. These annoyances are magnified ten-fold when you are no longer together as a couple -- which is why making an effort to avoid them is one of the secrets of a good divorce.
For instance, Michael really hates it when we are together and I check my Blackberry or, god forbid, take a call on my cell. Especially when we are out eating. So I have kept to a 100 percent Blackberry ban during all meals. And he hasn't made a big deal of the couple of times I forgot to turn my phone off and it began to ring (especially since I didn't take the calls).
For my part, I am really put off by the way he openly fumes if I am even one second late for something. Even on vacation (I always thought not having to adhere to a strict timetable was one of the defining features of a vacation!). This trip has been different. When I rolled in a few minutes late to dinner the other night, he wasn't glaring at his watch. Instead, he greeted me with a warm smile.
It's been great. And especially great for the kids to have their parents not only not be on edge with each other, but actually enjoying one another's company.
Our children, after all, are the most important thing in our lives -- and in most parents' lives, for that matter. It's a fact that becomes even more inescapable here in Greece, which is an utterly child-centered society. Children here are treated as little gods, creatures of worship -- little totemic beings everyone wants to touch and nurture. They are made to feel so special, with even the tiniest accomplishment cause for exclamations of appreciation and praise.
The fact that Michael and I have these two girls (young women now, really) together is a bond that transcends all grievances we have had through the years.
And while we did not survive as a couple, at least we've survived in the joint parenting of our daughters. We have gotten to the point where there is really nothing left to work out -- and it feels completely natural to be able to sit on a beautiful beach or stroll through the lovely streets of Agios Nikolaos together.
"God," our youngest daughter said the other day, "it's hard to remember you guys are divorced."
For some reason, that made me very, very happy. It felt like I had reached the end of a long and arduous journey. And we were all the better for having made it.
I only hope that, for the sake of the over one million children a year whose parents get divorced, it's a journey more and more families take.
Follow Arianna Huffington on Twitter: www.twitter.com/ariannahuff
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Ms. Huffington, I really felt your post today. I too have two girls, and was married ten years. But this is not quite my first year of being an x-. My x- is wedding again already and I struggle with the thought of this "e-man" as I call him, this stranger meddling around the house my wife and I bought together. From 1400 square feet to about 330 square feet and sans the little feet is pretty rough on the lumped throat. Anyway, congrats on the managing to be steady where the kids are concerned. They always come first! sincerely, Van Huebner, Tacoma, Washington.
I am sure that this is difficult for you. I would suggest that you, your ex & the intended - explore a site called "The Bridge Across". It is mainly for step parents and blended families and also for exes searching to make the lives of children created in love, remain feeling that they have parents who love them & respect each other. Much luck and may you find peace.
It is always good to see marriages that keep going in some form even after the trial of a divorce.
I wish everyone at the end of a divorce could end up as friends and several million dollars ahead. It would be a better world.
If only marriage were friendship, all our divorces could be as sensible. As you say, message to the world, for the sake of your children, let alone your disturbed subconscious, your present relationship is darned worth working for. Admirable Arianna!
Arianna Huffington,
Your sincere discussion of the importance of an enduring, empathetic relationship, vs a marital bond is so enlightening to those who are parents involved with divorce. What a positive act of love you demonstrate to your daughters. The freedom to not judge the past, but continue to experience the positive sharing of time together as a family Unit. Thank- you for sharing a personal moment that allows others to follow your path. Sincere best wishes for the future.
Also thank-you for the savvy, intelligent move to add Dan Froomkin aboard to the most informative web site the Huffington Post. Sincerely,
R. Michael Mickey
Well done Arianna, on many fronts. You have achieved a great level of understanding which takes a good deal of work. More importantly you have talked openly and positively about it.
My former wife and I enjoy a very good relationship, on almost every level and I believe our three daughters have benefitted from that. Happily several of their teachers, over the years, have been surprised to learn that we are divorced.
I believe that, under the general circumstances in which divorcing couples find themselves, it takes an enormous amount of work to come to the realisation that the truly important thing is doing the best for the children involved. Unfortunately the adversarial legal system works against this in so many ways. Of course part of the problem is that it is in a lawyers best interest to exacerbate any animosity and vindictive desire that may exist. I feel that it would be enormously sensible to start any separation or divorce proceedings from the perspective of shared custody and responsibility being the norm and that lawyers be kept out of the proceedings until such time that all avenues of mediation have been exhausted.
Another interesting aside is that we had our honeymoon on a very small Greek island, Spetses and I still think fondly of that place and where we've been since.
Again thank you for an interesting and insightful article, keep up the great work.
Arianna, some folks apparently think your approach to divorce damage control is a luxury only unpartnered ex-spouses can hope for. So it's been good to hear from others about new spouses as well as former partners and other relatives who are supporting and enjoying "extended family" outings like the one you describe in Crete. It's too easy to think our own obstacles are greater or different in some way that guarantees a negative outcome. Thanks to you and others who've commented, it seems perfectly reasonable to believe that all of us, including some difficult ex-spouses, have "better angels of our nature" that just haven't emerged yet. The skillful adjustments in behavior that you and Michael found yourselves making in Crete (re: Blackberry/cell phone interruptions, and clock-watching/impatience) role-model for us the kind of peacemaking and peacekeeping we all can do in our own day-to-day relationships. Thanks for the encouragement.
I think this is absolutely wonderful, I am happy for you and your family Arianna, this is a remarkable and smart way to deal with life. Things happen but they don't always have to rip out lives to shreds.
Arianna,
I admire you on many levels. This story is inspirational. I never got to know my father because the cause of the divorce, the "other woman", made the environment so inhospitable to my father's children that we didn't pursue a relationship with him nor he with us.
I do wish I were in Crete right now!
Bless you, Arianna - You and your ex-husband - for your dedication to your job as parents!! Also, congratulations to both of you on your maturity! Being able to put aside your differences for the benefit of the children is key! Bravo!!
The greatest gift you can give your girls is what you and Michael are giving them--a family. Good on you! I'm doing the same with much success. I'm very grateful and so are our 3 daughters.
Arianna,
I passed your divorce milesone long ago and we both have been married for 20 some years since then.
My son was the balance of sanity between the two of us since the devorce in his live and as you can imagine in his death. As he travels beyond human life we have mended all earthly differences. Both missing this great person we had shared. I am sure the journey foward is separate and personal to each of our sprits.
I am only thankful for the joy, wisdom and experience of his life gave now and then. I agree if you can gain sevility for the children it must be the way to act. I learned this from Josh and that is how the lesson was given to me.
Ariyanna, you are in love again; admit i and Congratulations!
To those who seem put off by the high bar post-divorce that Arianna has set, or are saddened by not achieving it, I just want to say: I see no guilt trip in this sotry--either about being less evolved as spouses or less loving as parents. The stories we read don't necessarily track our own personal experience, but they do paint pictures of possibilities that have materialized for others. Nothing is ever only about what it first seems to be (one of my favorite aphorisms).
Given the enormous response to this article, I'd be willing to bet that at least one less-than-cooperative ex-husband or ex-wife has been curious enough to read it. And Arianna may have planted a seed in that person's mind or heart. The ex-partner of that reader may in the future become the beneficiary of the picture Arianna has painted here. Isn't life all about possibilities? We believe in them first...then we just might see them.
Your daughters are indeed lucky! However, it takes TWO parents to decide they are going to be civil to each other for the benefit of the children. In 2002 my X wanted a divorce and told people it was going to be amicable. Huh! She went and got an attorney and tried to take our three daughters from me, daughters that I had stayed home and raised for 8 years. It was a grossly expensive divorce, with the only ones coming out ahead -six figures ahead- being the attorneys. My X, our daughters and me all lost big time in the court of family law. It has been six years and my X has started another witch hunt after me. We will never, never, never take a vacation together with our teenage daughters. NEVER! That is OK for them. What I am saddened by is that I will never speak to this woman or acknowledge her existence. As hard as that might be for the children, in the long run it is better for them.
I'm wondering whether either/both of you have new spouses amd, if so, what their take on this vacation is. Also, wondering whether it being hard for your daughter to remember that you're divorced doesn't it make it harder to accept that you're divorced, and that you might at some be with other people.
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