Vacationing with My Ex
CRETE -- My ex-husband and I recently celebrated our 12th anniversary. That's how long we've been divorced -- one year longer than we were married.
Just like marriage, divorce isn't easy either, and ours has been no exception. But even though we no longer had a marriage to keep us together, we had something even more powerful -- our daughters. And, spurred by our mutual devotion to them, we have made a huge effort to work through all the difficulties and be friends.
This has included spending Christmas Day and both of our girls' birthdays together as a family every year. And, little by little, with a lot of hard work, we've grown closer and closer. Indeed, a couple of years ago, on what would have been our 20th wedding anniversary, a magnificent bouquet of flowers that included twenty yellow roses arrived at my home. The card said, "Happy 20th Anniversary. We'll always be the parents of two remarkable young women. Love, Michael."
But this is the first time since our divorce we have gone on a summer vacation as a family.
This kind of concentrated together time can often prove to be stressful. But we are having a fabulous time, hanging out as a foursome, eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner together, and exploring the exquisite beauty of Crete -- Kriti to my fellow Greeks. The brilliant sand, the jasmine-filled air, the crystalline sea, the jutting mountains -- and history to be found with practically every step you take. Crete was home to the oldest Greek civilization, as well as Ariadne (who helped Theseus slay the Minotaur and then became the bride of Dionysus), and Nikos Kazantzakis (who gave us Zorba the Greek).
What we are doing more than anything, though, is talking. About anything and everything. We have spent a lot of time strolling down Memory Lane, and also taking mental journeys into the future. These future forays have been both practical (our youngest daughter is heading into her final year of high school, which means another round of college application deadlines!) and fanciful (we spent a lot of time the other night, for example, debating the pros and cons of evening weddings and the names of yet-to-be born -- and, thankfully, yet-to-be-conceived -- children).
The surest sign that my ex and I have reached a better place is a newfound willingness on both our parts to not let our pet peeves get in the way of our having a good time. Even in the happiest of marriages, there are little things that each partner does that inevitably set the other one off. These annoyances are magnified ten-fold when you are no longer together as a couple -- which is why making an effort to avoid them is one of the secrets of a good divorce.
For instance, Michael really hates it when we are together and I check my Blackberry or, god forbid, take a call on my cell. Especially when we are out eating. So I have kept to a 100 percent Blackberry ban during all meals. And he hasn't made a big deal of the couple of times I forgot to turn my phone off and it began to ring (especially since I didn't take the calls).
For my part, I am really put off by the way he openly fumes if I am even one second late for something. Even on vacation (I always thought not having to adhere to a strict timetable was one of the defining features of a vacation!). This trip has been different. When I rolled in a few minutes late to dinner the other night, he wasn't glaring at his watch. Instead, he greeted me with a warm smile.
It's been great. And especially great for the kids to have their parents not only not be on edge with each other, but actually enjoying one another's company.
Our children, after all, are the most important thing in our lives -- and in most parents' lives, for that matter. It's a fact that becomes even more inescapable here in Greece, which is an utterly child-centered society. Children here are treated as little gods, creatures of worship -- little totemic beings everyone wants to touch and nurture. They are made to feel so special, with even the tiniest accomplishment cause for exclamations of appreciation and praise.
The fact that Michael and I have these two girls (young women now, really) together is a bond that transcends all grievances we have had through the years.
And while we did not survive as a couple, at least we've survived in the joint parenting of our daughters. We have gotten to the point where there is really nothing left to work out -- and it feels completely natural to be able to sit on a beautiful beach or stroll through the lovely streets of Agios Nikolaos together.
"God," our youngest daughter said the other day, "it's hard to remember you guys are divorced."
For some reason, that made me very, very happy. It felt like I had reached the end of a long and arduous journey. And we were all the better for having made it.
I only hope that, for the sake of the over one million children a year whose parents get divorced, it's a journey more and more families take.
Follow Arianna Huffington on Twitter: www.twitter.com/ariannahuff
Loading comments…
Want to reply to a comment? Hint: Click "Reply" at the bottom of the comment; after being approved your comment will appear directly underneath the comment you replied to
Ms. Huffington, I love it. Whether your divorce was caused by a loss of trust e.g. (infidelity,spouse was gay),or financial arguments over bad investments, or intimacy issues, or competition with time spent working, etc. you found that there were good reasons that you chose to be together. Even though you claim to be progressive there are deep family loving roots from your heritage. Intellectuals and psychobabblers warn about confusing sex and love, but I contend that children conceived when love was present should never have to question whether that love persists or not. I have visited the greek islands of Crete,Santorini, Chios, Lesbos, and Hydra. The greek islands and turkish beaches are my favorite vacation spots but disdain for the American has caused a fear for my family's safety. Yasoo !
Well said ... and heartwarming. Kalo taxidi!
I really LOVED this article!! I am dear friends with my ex-husband and his current wife. I think we are all better for it. Bitterness does nothing for anyone, and our relationship has allowed us all to grow in ways we never could have imagined.
I became teary and heavy in the chest reading of this relationship. My ex called, recently, with bad news about our eldest son. When I asked a question, he did what he always did, responded as if I were a bad child--tone and brief--"I don't know!" All the "stuff' surfaced, although I thought I'd prepared myself.
When one person wants to make a relationship work, married or divorced, and the other has no clue as to how to be in relationship, I'll just continue to get teary when I read of intelligent people like Arianna and Michael. Thanks--maybe. Well, it can be done, sometimes.
Thank you for being willing to give readers this glimpse into your life. For those of us who knew little of your marriage other than your ex-husband's unfortunate soujourn on the campaign trail, followed by your unfortuantely public divorce, it is nice to see that you have both been able to progress with your lives, and come to a place that you can be friends and enjoy each other's company.
I'm not a child of divorce nor have I ever been married or have children but, I am a writer and that was a nice story. Thanks for sharing... It's always nice to hear about grown-ups who act like grown-ups!
God, i sure miss Crete. it has been almost 30 years! I still remember those grandmothers running after children playing with a bowl and a spoon trying to get them to eat something. It really is a child-centered culture, and family-centered, too, as many extended family members live on the same street. I miss the friends I had, the food, and the music. I have always said that you cannot tempt me with your heaven, because I have been there. It is a little town in the mountains outside Heraklion call Gergeri. When it is time, I will go there and eat olives and feta while I drink Ouzo.
Yeah, when my parents divorced, I was forced to attend holidays with them and even the occasional "vacation" in order to assuage their guilt and make them feel like our "alternative family" was working. Eventually I got fed up with playing "nice nice" for them. Their divorce destroyed my life and no feel-good "vacations" or "special events" can change it. Last time I spoke to them, my father and mother were great friends. That was about 15 years ago. Good riddance.
Wow. Short of staying together for your sake, what did you want them to do?
Just relating my (not uncommon) personal experience. Draw your own conclusions.
Yes- I have experienced the same wonderful evolution with my ex- husband. I think you hit the nail on the head- If you focus on your children and neither of you do anything to diminish the other parent in the childs eyes- If you think of the children's good when times are tough, then a wonderful friendship with an ex is possible- I know that during my divorce, if I took my focus off my son for a second, I could slide into a very bad place- When I found myself in this bad place, I would refocus on my son.
For my son's college graduation, my fiancee and I invited my ex-Husband and ex mother- in -law to stay at our house, along with my mother. We spent three days together, celebrating our beloved graduate, and ended up having a ball- all of us together- I ended up forging a new lovely friendship with my mother-in-law, who is a remarkable woman in her 90's. When I asked my son what he thought of the family being together he said "It's like a miracle- wonderful!". During our divorce process, this is what kept things civilized- our focus on the good of our son- the realization that this was about him coming out of this as well as possible- That his mother and father both had to come out of the divorce all right in order for him to be all right.....
Well I wish my soon to be ex and I shared a child. We don't, and its difficult!
OMG...yo uare getting divorced and you are wishing you had kids??? You should NEVER wish divorce on a child...wh
People can't believe that my ex and I are best friends.Th
Very mature and wise.
Lovely.
What a testimony to the “stretch” you and Michael have made! I’ve just celebrated my 39th ex-wedding and 28th divorce anniversaries. [Your 11-year marriage was also to a partner whose sexual orientation can create a rift—and then an amazing shift—forever after.] Our vow “to honor and cherish in every circumstance of life” couldn’t have been worded better to survive our divorce FOR the sake of our daughter and son, then 9 and 6. We functioned as two families of three, and because of shared custody, as a reinvented foursome for occasional holidays, birthdays and weekends.
During breakfast one weekend, our daughter said, “I can tell you guys are really good friends.” [like your daughter’s “It’s hard to remember you guys are divorced.”
To everyone’s “Good for you!” I say “Ditto.” Just wanted to underscore how good the payoff on making this kind of “stretch” looks and feels over time. Thanks so much for publishing this story about your “family’s” fabulous and unconventional vacation in Crete. Blessings…
Congratulations on the great payoff for all the work it takes to "be there" for the kids. Sure as hell wish MY parents had made the same effort 40 years ago. Good role models you two are.
Arianna: Thank you for sharing this wonderful story. As a divorced, and now remarried, woman, I can't tell you how many times people marvel at the fact that, in our blended family, everyone gets along and does what is right for the children. We may not see eye to eye, but we do it respectfully and give each other the benefit of the doubt. People . .. let go of the bitterness. You loved this person enough once to marry them, Peace of mind and heart.
Bravo! On so many fronts! Do you ever think however, that if you'd only done back then what you are doing now that your marriage may have lasted? Any chance that now that you are both older and wiser that you may rekindle a spark? Now THAT would make the romance of Crete really something!
Um, you need to google her ex. You might see why they didn't stay married.
You must be logged in to comment. Log in or connect with
