Vacationing with My Ex

CRETE -- My ex-husband and I recently celebrated our 12th anniversary. That's how long we've been divorced -- one year longer than we were married.

Just like marriage, divorce isn't easy either, and ours has been no exception. But even though we no longer had a marriage to keep us together, we had something even more powerful -- our daughters. And, spurred by our mutual devotion to them, we have made a huge effort to work through all the difficulties and be friends.

This has included spending Christmas Day and both of our girls' birthdays together as a family every year. And, little by little, with a lot of hard work, we've grown closer and closer. Indeed, a couple of years ago, on what would have been our 20th wedding anniversary, a magnificent bouquet of flowers that included twenty yellow roses arrived at my home. The card said, "Happy 20th Anniversary. We'll always be the parents of two remarkable young women. Love, Michael."

But this is the first time since our divorce we have gone on a summer vacation as a family.

This kind of concentrated together time can often prove to be stressful. But we are having a fabulous time, hanging out as a foursome, eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner together, and exploring the exquisite beauty of Crete -- Kriti to my fellow Greeks. The brilliant sand, the jasmine-filled air, the crystalline sea, the jutting mountains -- and history to be found with practically every step you take. Crete was home to the oldest Greek civilization, as well as Ariadne (who helped Theseus slay the Minotaur and then became the bride of Dionysus), and Nikos Kazantzakis (who gave us Zorba the Greek).

What we are doing more than anything, though, is talking. About anything and everything. We have spent a lot of time strolling down Memory Lane, and also taking mental journeys into the future. These future forays have been both practical (our youngest daughter is heading into her final year of high school, which means another round of college application deadlines!) and fanciful (we spent a lot of time the other night, for example, debating the pros and cons of evening weddings and the names of yet-to-be born -- and, thankfully, yet-to-be-conceived -- children).

The surest sign that my ex and I have reached a better place is a newfound willingness on both our parts to not let our pet peeves get in the way of our having a good time. Even in the happiest of marriages, there are little things that each partner does that inevitably set the other one off. These annoyances are magnified ten-fold when you are no longer together as a couple -- which is why making an effort to avoid them is one of the secrets of a good divorce.

For instance, Michael really hates it when we are together and I check my Blackberry or, god forbid, take a call on my cell. Especially when we are out eating. So I have kept to a 100 percent Blackberry ban during all meals. And he hasn't made a big deal of the couple of times I forgot to turn my phone off and it began to ring (especially since I didn't take the calls).

For my part, I am really put off by the way he openly fumes if I am even one second late for something. Even on vacation (I always thought not having to adhere to a strict timetable was one of the defining features of a vacation!). This trip has been different. When I rolled in a few minutes late to dinner the other night, he wasn't glaring at his watch. Instead, he greeted me with a warm smile.

It's been great. And especially great for the kids to have their parents not only not be on edge with each other, but actually enjoying one another's company.

Our children, after all, are the most important thing in our lives -- and in most parents' lives, for that matter. It's a fact that becomes even more inescapable here in Greece, which is an utterly child-centered society. Children here are treated as little gods, creatures of worship -- little totemic beings everyone wants to touch and nurture. They are made to feel so special, with even the tiniest accomplishment cause for exclamations of appreciation and praise.

The fact that Michael and I have these two girls (young women now, really) together is a bond that transcends all grievances we have had through the years.

And while we did not survive as a couple, at least we've survived in the joint parenting of our daughters. We have gotten to the point where there is really nothing left to work out -- and it feels completely natural to be able to sit on a beautiful beach or stroll through the lovely streets of Agios Nikolaos together.

"God," our youngest daughter said the other day, "it's hard to remember you guys are divorced."

For some reason, that made me very, very happy. It felt like I had reached the end of a long and arduous journey. And we were all the better for having made it.

I only hope that, for the sake of the over one million children a year whose parents get divorced, it's a journey more and more families take.

Follow Arianna Huffington on Twitter: www.twitter.com/ariannahuff

Comments

[benalbanach]

I felt the breeze blow off the water as I read this account of your vacation. It was a treat really to be allowed into this intimate time and it's good to be reminded that those in the public eye are very much like ourselves, facing the same problems and enjoying the sweet and simple things of life.

[writerroz]

Arianna, you're so fortunate to be able to have these peaceful times as family. My ex who was my friend died last September, and that was when I realized how entertwined our lives were still, so I was greatly shocked at how this effected me. I miss him terribly, although we'd been divorced 30 years after a 23 year marriage. I miss what we had, and I miss what we could have had but did not have. Since neither of us ever remarried, we were able to share holidays and other family events in peace with our children. I had a sense that we were better friends than when married, although I could never get beyond the annoyances, so at times purposely avoided him except for family times.

So I implore all divorced partners to get past the petty things and be the friends that you couldn't be during marriage. People thought we had a unique understanding, but I know it could have been better. Take Arianna's good advice so you will have some thankful peace after a partner is gone. Great article, Arianna, and I hope it helps others.

[kohoutek]

I mean, lovely sentiment. But, gag me with a spoon at the same time. When my ex is dead, she'll be dead...and still the same lying, manipulative, destructive, selfish, home-wrecking, emotionally abusive person she always was.

So yeah, we'll get beyond the "petty" things that destroyed our marriage. If "petty" was the problem, we wouldn't be divorced, and I wouldn't rather sit down and play Yahtzee with Satan than have dinner with her.

God.

[terrymill]

I have to agree with you on this one. This sentiment would be great if all parties involved were reasonable and agreeable...if that were the case for me, we wouldn't have been divorced. I hate to be negative about such a nice article but I wish there were articles that explained what one does when they have an ex who is not willing to work with you to get you to this point.

[mcmooskii]

I'm sorry to have to agree with Kohoutek, but Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) changes EVERYTHING. My ex wreaked havoc in our marriage until, after 23 years of trying, I said no more (the anger and emotional abuse was too much to bear). She then poisoned both of my kids to me. One figgered it out, but I've been estranged from the other for 7 years. Now she shows BPD behaviors... and so the destruction will continue through another generation.

How I wish I could be friends with my ex and reconnect with my daughter (she now refuses any communications with me). But the truth is, I too would feel safer playing yahtee with satan.

[helpusa]

You are truly an evolved person Arianna and I so enjoyed reading this article. I have often marveled at couples that find ways to get along after they divorce. I've even known a second wife allow the first wife to stay in the same house because there was a child involved. Now that is being civilized and mature.
Here is to being more civilized and being more evolved.

[Treeske]

Congratulations Ariana, you and you're ex are doing a great job and I also wished that more people of failed marriages would have the maturity towards parenthood like you have shown. No better present can a child be given as the security of being the most important thing in their parents life.

[Melinblau]

Arianna, I enjoyed your piece. Years ago, I wrote a book entitled "Families Apart: Ten Keys to Successful Coparenting," and whether or not you read it, you've lived it. One of the most important keys is to see a former mate, not an an "ex," but as the father of your children. In most cases of divorce, just because a woman doesn't want to be with the man she married, it doesn't mean that that she can't find some redeeming parental qualities in the guy. (Of course that goes for men, too!)
Anyway, it's not easy, so bravo for getting there. We did kids' birthdays and holidays (and still do, even though our children are in their late thirties). I remember writing in my book that someday my former husband and I would walk down the aisle again...to give my daughter away. That came to pass in 2000, and now we're cograndparents to her three sons!
--Melinda Blau

[terrymill]

how do you make this happen when only one of you wants it? i have been searching this answer for 8 years and have come up empty handed.

[yellowdoggie]

You let it go. Detach.

[RevRayGreen]

Arianna, again thanks for sharing, I hope you read the comments. I so relate to many who replied and you.

[artsbiz9]

Just wondering: are you and your ex currently involved in new relationships? If so, the non-drama vacation with an ex IS an amazing feat; if neither of you are involved in other relationships, the non-drama factor is easier to control with fewer participants.

Do you live close to ex? Distance can help heal a fractured relationship, as you're not stumbling over one another in social settings within the same community. Proximity is often necessary for joint custody, but it can be hell when the exes are tripping over one another in the same community.

Time is a great healer, and with each passing year the problems that doomed my relationship seem to be less important. Maybe one day we'll grow up enough to take the same type of vacation.

[Pye Ian - Huffpost Blogger]

This posting just made my week.

Good rule of thumb is to sense how one would feel if one's ex passed away suddenly. While in that feeling, pick up the phone.

[WalkingOnEggshells]

Some of us obviously have different feelings about our ex than others do. If my lying psychopathic bitch of an ex passed away I'd be picking up the phone to order a keg and then to invite all my friends over for a party.

But congratulations Arianna for staying friends with your ex for the sake of the kids. Just think, some people stay married to people they hate for that reason, but you've struck a good compromise.

[rubymom]

My husband and I have both situations with our ex-spouses. His ex is a borderline personality disorder with narcissism crazy woman. Even her sons/my stepsons have cut her off completely now that they are adults. There is no possible way to have a mature relationship with her. We tried for years.

My ex and I have a relationship like Arianna's with her ex. My current husband and my ex get along great. We celebrate family events together. We made the decision when we got divorced that we would put our 3 kids first... and we've done it.

We probably won't plan a vacation together, but we did travel together to D.C. with the kids a few years ago when our son won a national award. We went sightseeing together, ate meals together, and people were amazed that we are divorced.

We always say, "If we were going to keep fighting, we might as well have stay married." Why go through the hell of divorce if everyone's life isn't going to be better?

[jcv44wf]

I commend you and your ex Ms. Huffngton. I respect the life you've led and your change from conservative to more liberal, humanitarian leanings. All that in spite of what most would consider a fairly comfortable, even privileged background. I say that with no malice or derision but with admiration and respects. (Think, Jesus' admonitions of the beatitudes and about "the rich" man, heaven and all that.)

I suspect though, and maybe no less commendable, maybe even more so, that you and your ex can vacation with your girls because of the material blessings of your lives. Thanks for sharing it. It may inspire other to do similarly. Surely there are those that just as well off as you and your ex are that are not doing the "right thing," for the greater good of their children as you and Michael are.

Good luck.

May God continue to bless you all.

Peace

John Visentin
Nobody — at least in a position to judge anyone as it seem I am.

[demerdard]

It would be a cold day in the hottest place I could ever imagine before I could spend a day in the company of my ex-wife even for the benefit of the son we both adore. Much less could I conceive of wending thousands of miles across the planet with that woman. On occasions, I have to tolerate her for an hour at a meal, and I do it putting myself into something of a neutral gear - it's as though I've switched off my entire personality for the benefit of my boy who is thrilled for the occasion; no yelling.

Usually when these odd events of being in the same place have to play out, she's brought along her boyfriend as something of a security blanket, although I can't understand why. I try to keep the chatter to a minimum so as to avoid any rancor cropping up. And the boyfriend is young enough to be my son, so he makes a most effective bodyguard.

Can you imagine a more unpleasant foursome for an extended vacation? Why on God's green earth would anyone put himself through such torture?

[herronsmith]

It must be difficult to try to keep your anger and resentment in check. It is such a waste to sacrifice positive energy for such negative energy. It will erode your spirit over time. And don't think for a minute your son is unaware, no matter how much you think you are fooling him. Think really hard if your resentment and anger are worth hanging onto. Make peace with your situation or you will continue to attract all that is negative. Like really does attract like. Good luck.

[Blueboy1938]

Kumbaya.

[MarlOm]

Dear Arianna, thanks for such wonderful piece that tells of a life worth living. I am very happy for you and your girls.
This too would have been my 20th anniversary this year, and like you I also have a child going into his last year of high school. We too also lasted 11 years of marriage. The coincidences, though, stop here. We have not been able to overcome our differences despite our immense love for our delightful young man we have as a son. However, I have had the pleasure of having his ex- wive as one of my dearest friend in the wolrd. She, a remarkable human being, redefined the term "my husband's ex" to a sublime new level, which saved me many times over of terrible sadness and dispare for such difficult marriage. We are like sisters, in her I trust completely. She opened her heart and arms to me and loved me for who I am (I wish I could say the same for my ex husband).) She is like my son's auntie and before my divorce we spent several important holidays together, along with her new husband and each othres children. How is that for a twist, eh? Life is full of surprises, and support and kindness come in many forms from unsuspected sources. I am forever greatful...

[gorooster2]

Heart-warming to have leaders actually model maturity, values and generosity of the heart... to put one's ego aside out of concern for children (or any needy person) is the best possible example of leadership that engenders respect and inspires others to follow suit. We're seeing it in the Executive branch and we're seeing a glimmer of it here in the Fourth Estate. Is it too much to ask to hope that this trend continues?

[terrymill]

I am very jealous but happy for all of you who can be peaceful with your ex. Unfortunately I cannot have that kind of life because it does take two to make it work. We used to be like that until he met his now wife. After they met and started living together, he cut all communications off with me and then filed a contempt of court motion citing me as being an abusive mother. He wanted money and for me to give up my visitation rights. I fought him on it with all of my life savings but the motion was eventually dismissed. It's hard to be friends with a man who has done this kind of horrid action against the mother of his children but that is what I am left with. I used to pray that we would be the kind of parents that so many of you are because my children deserve it...unfortunately it takes both parents to want this for their children.

[augusteighteenth]

GREEK LOVE.. I'm half Greek. & sill haven't made it to Greece yet :( Crete and Lefkada are first on my list! Thank you for the insight!

[Opus007]

This is a great post Ariana. I had a similar catharsis but not to the point of joint vacations. But I hope the divorced readers out there will learn from the spirit of your effort.