Vacationing with My Ex

CRETE -- My ex-husband and I recently celebrated our 12th anniversary. That's how long we've been divorced -- one year longer than we were married.

Just like marriage, divorce isn't easy either, and ours has been no exception. But even though we no longer had a marriage to keep us together, we had something even more powerful -- our daughters. And, spurred by our mutual devotion to them, we have made a huge effort to work through all the difficulties and be friends.

This has included spending Christmas Day and both of our girls' birthdays together as a family every year. And, little by little, with a lot of hard work, we've grown closer and closer. Indeed, a couple of years ago, on what would have been our 20th wedding anniversary, a magnificent bouquet of flowers that included twenty yellow roses arrived at my home. The card said, "Happy 20th Anniversary. We'll always be the parents of two remarkable young women. Love, Michael."

But this is the first time since our divorce we have gone on a summer vacation as a family.

This kind of concentrated together time can often prove to be stressful. But we are having a fabulous time, hanging out as a foursome, eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner together, and exploring the exquisite beauty of Crete -- Kriti to my fellow Greeks. The brilliant sand, the jasmine-filled air, the crystalline sea, the jutting mountains -- and history to be found with practically every step you take. Crete was home to the oldest Greek civilization, as well as Ariadne (who helped Theseus slay the Minotaur and then became the bride of Dionysus), and Nikos Kazantzakis (who gave us Zorba the Greek).

What we are doing more than anything, though, is talking. About anything and everything. We have spent a lot of time strolling down Memory Lane, and also taking mental journeys into the future. These future forays have been both practical (our youngest daughter is heading into her final year of high school, which means another round of college application deadlines!) and fanciful (we spent a lot of time the other night, for example, debating the pros and cons of evening weddings and the names of yet-to-be born -- and, thankfully, yet-to-be-conceived -- children).

The surest sign that my ex and I have reached a better place is a newfound willingness on both our parts to not let our pet peeves get in the way of our having a good time. Even in the happiest of marriages, there are little things that each partner does that inevitably set the other one off. These annoyances are magnified ten-fold when you are no longer together as a couple -- which is why making an effort to avoid them is one of the secrets of a good divorce.

For instance, Michael really hates it when we are together and I check my Blackberry or, god forbid, take a call on my cell. Especially when we are out eating. So I have kept to a 100 percent Blackberry ban during all meals. And he hasn't made a big deal of the couple of times I forgot to turn my phone off and it began to ring (especially since I didn't take the calls).

For my part, I am really put off by the way he openly fumes if I am even one second late for something. Even on vacation (I always thought not having to adhere to a strict timetable was one of the defining features of a vacation!). This trip has been different. When I rolled in a few minutes late to dinner the other night, he wasn't glaring at his watch. Instead, he greeted me with a warm smile.

It's been great. And especially great for the kids to have their parents not only not be on edge with each other, but actually enjoying one another's company.

Our children, after all, are the most important thing in our lives -- and in most parents' lives, for that matter. It's a fact that becomes even more inescapable here in Greece, which is an utterly child-centered society. Children here are treated as little gods, creatures of worship -- little totemic beings everyone wants to touch and nurture. They are made to feel so special, with even the tiniest accomplishment cause for exclamations of appreciation and praise.

The fact that Michael and I have these two girls (young women now, really) together is a bond that transcends all grievances we have had through the years.

And while we did not survive as a couple, at least we've survived in the joint parenting of our daughters. We have gotten to the point where there is really nothing left to work out -- and it feels completely natural to be able to sit on a beautiful beach or stroll through the lovely streets of Agios Nikolaos together.

"God," our youngest daughter said the other day, "it's hard to remember you guys are divorced."

For some reason, that made me very, very happy. It felt like I had reached the end of a long and arduous journey. And we were all the better for having made it.

I only hope that, for the sake of the over one million children a year whose parents get divorced, it's a journey more and more families take.

Follow Arianna Huffington on Twitter: www.twitter.com/ariannahuff

Comments

[SeanOcali]

Spent last week in Mykonos and Sanorini myself. It's really nice down there right now. Enjoy!

[lhavran2]

Enjoyable to hear about a happy story involving divorced parents. More often than not, I see bitter, acrimonious interactions between spouses which cannot help but heighten insecurity and fear of children caught in the middle of the fighting. Hopefully, you can inspire other families to seek resolution to differences and find peace and tranquility within themselves.

[lettingo]

Bravo Arianna! I can imagine the hard work both you and your ex have done to bring the relationship to this point. I'm an ordained interfaith minister and help couples prepare for marriage as well as help them create vows for their married life. And if a marriage doesn't survive, I also guide couples through the spiritual dimensions of divorce. I think it is profoundly important to respect the vows one has taken by acknowledging and releasing oneself and one's ex from those vows when the marriage is over.
Bringing conscious closure to the marriage, especially when there are children involved, can be healing for all involved. And believe me the children are fully involved! In that way everyone can have the possibility of moving on with forgiveness, respect, and awareness.
Thanks again for the work you've done, and the sharing of the positive outcome with all of us. You're a great model!

[kozy]

I hope you have a great time Arianna. I have been married 49 years to the same women, but that is the exception, not the norm. It works for some, it sort of works for others, and it doesn't work at all for many others. Best wishes.

[MIVOTE]

Thank you Arianna. At the end of July, I too, like you, will spend a vacation with my son's dad as we both fly down to FL to pick him up from vacationing at his sister's (my daughter). I hope that I show as much maturity as you. You certainly have given me the best information at the right time.

[AlinaM]

Thank you for sharing an experience which shows a great deal of maturity, forbearance and love for your children.

[billc685]

I've been married and divorced three times and have 2 children with the first and one with each of the other two. I've always felt that petty arguments with the ex when with the kids was counter-productive and now have decent relationships with the exes. I also have three step-daughters from the third marriage which ended almost 20 yrs ago and have always been Daddy to all the kids. Actually, one step-daughter decided to live with me rather than her mother and since retiring I've moved to a new home at Indian Lake and she still lives in my old house! Recently, my first wife and I along with our two kids went to Tennessee from Ohio to visit our granddaughter who recently graduated from high-school. We all stayed at my brother's which is two hrs from the granddaughter's and had a very nice time. Two yrs ago my second wife passed away and I was as devastated as anyone, she had become a very good friend.

[bannelee]

My ex and I get along very well. I check on him,as he tends to retreat into his home alot-he has depression,but for some reason I'M the one he'll still talk to. When i moved to a new place-long after our split,he helped. My new neighbor came by the next day and said "did you say that was your ex helping you?" Her daughter said that they didn't mention her father's NAME in the house!

[heal57]

Thank you for sharing. It's the way things should be, but usually are not. Great post.

[akena]

Great post. We can all try to emulate your example. Good luck to you all.

[Karen Talavera - Huffpost Blogger]

Kudos to modeling parenting post-divorce the way it should be! You and Michael may no longer have romantic love for one another, but the familial love seems to be unshaken. As a Greek you know there are many kinds of love. The Greek word "agape" comes to mind after reading your delightful and inspiring vacation post. Opa!

[Theresa Riley]

Thanks for sharing. This should be a law. I think we forget that it
s about the children, once divorce takes place. It sounds like quite a humbling experience!

[SadVoter]

My parents' divorce destroyed my life.

[The Daily Blonde]

Your post caught my eye today and I read it twice. It was a much needed break from the economy, gas prices and celebrity death.

I admire you beyond words. Not only as my favorite female journalist, but because what you wrote is just an amazing tribute to how you parent. I have been divorced for 8 years and have five children who range in age from 8 to 24. They are incredible human beings and I only wish that I could go on a trip like this one day with their father to show them that people can actually get beyond their differences. Not so sure that will happen--his wife might protest. :)

I am printing this article and keeping it. It's an inspiration for me. Thank you and enjoy your trip.

[HGMercury]

Thank you for sharing. Opa-on from a Cycladian expatriate.

[ZackShorty]

My ex and I finally buried the hatchet so we could enjoy our grand children when they are in town to visit. The good news is, my ex and I are getting along fine. The bad news is, the grand kids don"t really care for either of us. Oh well.....it could be an 'us' problem.