Vacationing with My Ex

CRETE -- My ex-husband and I recently celebrated our 12th anniversary. That's how long we've been divorced -- one year longer than we were married.

Just like marriage, divorce isn't easy either, and ours has been no exception. But even though we no longer had a marriage to keep us together, we had something even more powerful -- our daughters. And, spurred by our mutual devotion to them, we have made a huge effort to work through all the difficulties and be friends.

This has included spending Christmas Day and both of our girls' birthdays together as a family every year. And, little by little, with a lot of hard work, we've grown closer and closer. Indeed, a couple of years ago, on what would have been our 20th wedding anniversary, a magnificent bouquet of flowers that included twenty yellow roses arrived at my home. The card said, "Happy 20th Anniversary. We'll always be the parents of two remarkable young women. Love, Michael."

But this is the first time since our divorce we have gone on a summer vacation as a family.

This kind of concentrated together time can often prove to be stressful. But we are having a fabulous time, hanging out as a foursome, eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner together, and exploring the exquisite beauty of Crete -- Kriti to my fellow Greeks. The brilliant sand, the jasmine-filled air, the crystalline sea, the jutting mountains -- and history to be found with practically every step you take. Crete was home to the oldest Greek civilization, as well as Ariadne (who helped Theseus slay the Minotaur and then became the bride of Dionysus), and Nikos Kazantzakis (who gave us Zorba the Greek).

What we are doing more than anything, though, is talking. About anything and everything. We have spent a lot of time strolling down Memory Lane, and also taking mental journeys into the future. These future forays have been both practical (our youngest daughter is heading into her final year of high school, which means another round of college application deadlines!) and fanciful (we spent a lot of time the other night, for example, debating the pros and cons of evening weddings and the names of yet-to-be born -- and, thankfully, yet-to-be-conceived -- children).

The surest sign that my ex and I have reached a better place is a newfound willingness on both our parts to not let our pet peeves get in the way of our having a good time. Even in the happiest of marriages, there are little things that each partner does that inevitably set the other one off. These annoyances are magnified ten-fold when you are no longer together as a couple -- which is why making an effort to avoid them is one of the secrets of a good divorce.

For instance, Michael really hates it when we are together and I check my Blackberry or, god forbid, take a call on my cell. Especially when we are out eating. So I have kept to a 100 percent Blackberry ban during all meals. And he hasn't made a big deal of the couple of times I forgot to turn my phone off and it began to ring (especially since I didn't take the calls).

For my part, I am really put off by the way he openly fumes if I am even one second late for something. Even on vacation (I always thought not having to adhere to a strict timetable was one of the defining features of a vacation!). This trip has been different. When I rolled in a few minutes late to dinner the other night, he wasn't glaring at his watch. Instead, he greeted me with a warm smile.

It's been great. And especially great for the kids to have their parents not only not be on edge with each other, but actually enjoying one another's company.

Our children, after all, are the most important thing in our lives -- and in most parents' lives, for that matter. It's a fact that becomes even more inescapable here in Greece, which is an utterly child-centered society. Children here are treated as little gods, creatures of worship -- little totemic beings everyone wants to touch and nurture. They are made to feel so special, with even the tiniest accomplishment cause for exclamations of appreciation and praise.

The fact that Michael and I have these two girls (young women now, really) together is a bond that transcends all grievances we have had through the years.

And while we did not survive as a couple, at least we've survived in the joint parenting of our daughters. We have gotten to the point where there is really nothing left to work out -- and it feels completely natural to be able to sit on a beautiful beach or stroll through the lovely streets of Agios Nikolaos together.

"God," our youngest daughter said the other day, "it's hard to remember you guys are divorced."

For some reason, that made me very, very happy. It felt like I had reached the end of a long and arduous journey. And we were all the better for having made it.

I only hope that, for the sake of the over one million children a year whose parents get divorced, it's a journey more and more families take.

Follow Arianna Huffington on Twitter: www.twitter.com/ariannahuff

Comments

[Anniehodd]

I loved your article on Vacationing with you ex. My partner of 10 years and 4 wonderful children have recently decided to stay living in the same house and co parent but have the freedom to see other people. So far, because of the honesty and respect we share, it seems to be working. This way the children are not shuttled from one home to the other and they feel more secure. They have both parents with them so they are not feeling neglected and their lives are not disrupted.

[PorkmanDelardo]

Just spent 4th of July week with ex-wife and our children and family from her side. We have taken trips to Hawaii, New Mexico, Oregon, etc, for years. Married for 7 years, divorced for 12 years. The anger subsided long ago, and we always, always put our kids first. The oldest is in college now and youngest is entering her senior year in high school. Both are doing great, but we are not kidding ourselves. We know the divorce impacted them in ways we may never know. We just do the best we can do, to co-parent. Many people who meet us for the first time, think we are a married couple. Sometimes we correct them and sometime not, so as not to embarrass anyone in mixed company.
Any chance we will reconcile and re-marry? Not likely. I imagine once our daughter is off to college, the joint vacations will end, one or both of us will re-marry someone else, and we will keep in polite contact with one another. Porkman

[kalamatiaNO]

I wish people would just cut you some slack. The name of this web site is The HUFFINGTON Post, and you can blog about anything you please because YOU created it.

It's great you have been able to agree about and focus on your girls since your divorce. Many couples are not good at co-parenting decisions and behavior (like my ex and I), so scenes like the one you describe in Kriti would be a pipe dream. For those who parent well together, however, there is no reason they cannot put aside all the other acrimony for short periods of time just for their children, even if their kids are grown.

Na sas ZEE-soun, Arianna! Keh Kaloh sas taxithi!

[BabbleOn]

My 2nd ex-husband and I were married for one year, before it exploded in a cascade of deleted expletives. We have now been friends for 35 years. Good luck on the rest of your journey.

[AngieMom57]

OMG! The colors in the picture which has the boats, the water and Tabena Helona at center is simply worth a thousand words...and as I am an armchair traveler this shot makes me want to get on a plane to Crete ;-)

[ammidownb]

Dearest Ari, Thank your for this clear inspiring note. I too share times with my ex husband Mark and our three daughters and five grand daughter that enriches us all the more. May the loving always grow. peace and light to you, Bea

[Stacey Hall]

I believe that being hatefull to your ex is harmfull to the kids. I avoided bad talking my ex around my kids no matter what he did, they sadly figured it out on their own. I am currently married to a wonderful man that is friends with his ex. She and I have become best of friends, and are together hanging out at least a couple of hours most days. We can't afford "vacations" but frequently take off all together on the spur of the moment to go to one of the local forts or beaches and we all spend the day together. Every holiday is spent together and in Maine during the winter the power goes out a lot, so we all bunk up together with our generator and play games and cook. Their daughter knows she is loved on all fronts and my now (mostly) grown college kids love my husband and have a wonderful example of a mature man and women setting aside differences for their kids.
Good for you Ariannna and your husband for caring more about the children you are responsible for than for any issue you had in the past. You are obviously focused on having healthy and happy kids!

[plages]

Could it be Chania, where your vacationing? Don't forget to hit Filaki Beach on the south side of the island, and there's no need for a bikini!

[NewportJoey]

I wish all parents who divorced with your issues were as adult. You never stop loving anyone unless you have a heart of stone........

[HartlessBeest]

Congratulations, Arianna! You are an inspiration to all, single, married, divorced or otherwise.

I enjoy all your articles and grasp every opportunity to listen to your comments on TV, which is a refreshing change from the usual hum drum of meaningless media gabble. We just recently purchased your latest book, 'RIGHT IS WRONG" which we found very informative.

Thank you, Arianna. Keep up the good work.

[TomPaine07]

I have the same reaction that I have to Palin announcements-- who cares? Why do you think that anyone outside of your family and immediate social circle would find this news interesting? Watch out for vanity.

[cjk002]

Judging by the number of comments, I'd say quite a few people are interested in reading about it. Maybe you should watch out for your own vanity, and your delusions about whether anyone cares what you think.

[AmyDyson]

In response to "Who cares?" I definitely do. I found Arianna Huffington's article about a vacation with her former spouse to be refreshing, inspiring, and poignant. While I prefer to use the term "former" rather than "ex", I still believe this article is exactly what America needs to read. We could use more illustrations regarding this type of parenting as an example for vast numbers of people experiencing the post-divorce impasse with children. I will attest to the fact that children of divorce may find themselves battling fears that may otherwise have not been there. Trust issues and self-confidence matters are always a concern for teaching children of divorce. Yet it is often the insidious, subconscious messages from a separated family that rear their ugly head later in life during important decision-making for the unfortunate children of divorce. Our paradigm needs to shift toward advocacy of family-parenting after divorce, to enhance our society and uplift the entire human consciousness. As an art historian-etiologist who has studied most civilizations of mankind, I applaud your effort and am sending your fine article to every person I know that is divorced with children. No doubt your beautiful prose with meaningful account will incite new direction in many lives. I have great appreciation for your effort. In my humble opinion, you deserve an award for giving a firsthand commentary about a difficult subject that could make a huge impact in many lives.

[writerroz]

Arianna CARES enough to pass on some pretty good advice. I'm presently mourning my ex's death, and it can be pretty painful even for an EX since neither of us remarried. We had been married 23 years and were better friends after our divorce, spent holidays and other special events together with our children, but I couldn't get past petty annoyances, so would avoid my ex at these times. Be happy to have Arianna's advice so you won't experience the loss of what could have been, but wasn't and what wasn't. Our lives are more entertwined than we realize with our ex, and death is too late to realize this.

[Nopinky]

Deepest respect to you both for working so hard! Unfortunately my son's father and I have an extremely acrimonious relationship, and it makes everything exponentially more difficult, especially on my son. If more people could just accept that not being married doesn't have to mean mortal enemies - more children would have healthier views of relationships and the effort that can go into them. I am happy to say that I am now engaged to a man I dated many years ago, and broke up with. We went on to learn to appreciate each other much more deeply from a distance, and after 8 years of growing together, we've come back together stronger, better and more patient with each other (and our respective pet peeves!) than we ever could have been before. Kudos to you for being grownups!

[hopefull2008]

I'm just thinking about all that wonderful Greek food. Yummy.

[justjojo]

I was married to a German and while we were married (12 yrs) we lived in Germany. After he found "greener pastures" in Norway, I came home to the US with our 3 yr old son. He is now 17. For the past 14 years, his dad has come to visit him at least once a year for 2 to 3 weeks at a time. Each time I have opened my door for him to stay with us. This was the only way our son could have seen his father, since I took a pretty low paying job (college lecturer) to have more time and summers off with our son. Most of my friends and family are stunned that I can do this. The early years were very difficult and I re-lived my painful divorce every time he came. But now after so many years and having established a pretty good life here, I look forward to his visits, like those of a very good old friend's. My fantasy would be to take a family vacation just like you mentioned, one that we never got to take, one that I would have fantasized about before I even had our son. Unfortunately, the "greener pastures" are not so accommodating. I'm going to send him a link to this article and see if maybe he might consider that road trip with us after our son graduates next year. It's worth a try. Thanks Arianna for the support!

[theexodusishere]

I absolutely LOVE the fact that you can do that with your ex. It's so important for your kids to see that. When my husband and I got together, I tried to make a point of having somewhat of a relationship with his ex because I knew that would be best for their son. Divorce can be so painful on children and I wanted him to see that just because their marriage ended, their love for him did not. Sadly, the ex is an ex for a reason (a number of them actually...) and she didn't seem to feel that what I was offering was worth it. Kudos to you both for making that effort!

[breezyholler]

divorced for 19 years ..i must say the relationship that my ex and I have developed(since our divorce) for the sake of our children is far more positive and constructive, than we had while married . Our children often remind us of just how important this effort has been to their lives. thanks Arianna for sharing this wonderful experience with your readers..parents should never stop attempting to set positive examples, at every opportunity !