Hillary Clinton will be appearing on the Late Show with David Letterman tonight to help Dave celebrate the 14th anniversary of the show. This will be her seventh time on Letterman, but her first since launching her bid for the White House -- so there is certainly more on the line this time out.
Knowing Hillary's commitment to preparation, and her campaign's desire to war-game out every moment from now until November 2008, Team Clinton has probably had half of the Writer's Guild scribbling away all August.
Tonight will be an opportunity for her to highlight Hillary 2.0: relaxed, easy, comfortable in her own skin. One of the biggest knocks against her coming into this race was that she was stiff and uncomfortable. But no longer. Hillary is probably one of the few people who can decide to diligently work to become relaxed -- and succeed.
In her past appearances, Hillary chose to go the self-deprecating route. In her much-watched first appearance on the show, back in January 2000, Clinton, who Letterman had been regularly bashing as a carpet-bagger with no real connection to New York, agreed to a pop quiz of her New York knowledge -- and correctly identified the bluebird as the state bird and the sugar maple as the state tree.
She also offered up a Top Ten List of the reasons she had decided to appear on the show that included: "10. I lost a bet with Tipper," "8. If Dan Quayle did it, how hard can it be?," "6. Four words: lapse of judgment," "2. To tell you the truth, Dave, I thought Johnny hosted this show," and "1. If I can make it here, I can make it anywhere."
Hilary also took the opportunity to take a shot at Rudy Giuliani who, at the time was still mayor, and who had yet to pull out as her Senate opponent. When Letterman asked her about whether she thought Giuliani had the right stuff to be a U.S. Senator, Hillary said, "He's done a lot of stuff as mayor but I think being a senator is a different kind of job. A senator can't go arrest a homeless person."
Almost 8 years later, Hillary and Rudy are once again vying for the same job. Letterman is, fortunately, not nearly as predictable as the campaign press corpse but if he asks Giuliani's qualifications again, Hillary could say: "Rudy is perfectly qualified -- If you like uptight guys who get serially divorced and say '9/11' every five seconds."
And here are some other possible questions and some suggested answers for her to choose from:
Dave: What was the deal with all that cleavage earlier this summer?
Hillary: I think the fact that the front-runner for the nomination of one of our two parties is facing a question about cleavage is a sign of progress... Or: If an American president can't flash a little cleavage, the terrorists win. Or: You mean the Rack of Freedom? Or: Dave, this kind of question is a classic example of the patriarchal double standard faced by women who assume positions of power in America. I'd prefer to focus on the future of this country. On the other hand, I do have a killer rack.
Dave: What was your feud with Barack Obama about?
Hillary: I just had to set him straight about a few things. He'd make a great addition to the ticket, but I had to let him know that the days of the VP running things are coming to an end.
Dave: I thought it was about using nuclear weapons against Pakistan or something.
Hillary: As I said at the time, Dave, a presidential candidate shouldn't discuss foreign policy questions of that nature in a forum like this.
Dave: Where should they be discussed then?
Hillary: At home with Bill Clinton.
Dave: So what should we call your husband if you win?
Hillary: You shouldn't call him at all; he won't be leaving the house.
What kinds of things do you think Hillary will -- or should say -- tonight? Got any suggestions for one-liners, zingers, or a new Hillary Top 10 list? I'd love to hear them. Put your top Hillary lines in the comments section and we'll run the best ones tomorrow -- and compare them with the ones Hillary offers up tonight.
In the meantime, here is a Hillary Top 10 list put together by comedy writer Colleen Worthmann, who has provided some very funny HuffPost blog posts in the past, and whose stuff you'll be able to see more of on 23/6 (236.com), coming soon to a computer screen near you.
Hillary Clinton's Top 10 Rejected Campaign Slogans:10. John Edwards wishes his hair looked this good
9. You should see my jumpshot
8. Move out of the way, it's Mama's turn
7. Who wants popsicles?
6. Let's face it, anybody would be better than Dubya
5. I'm bringing sexyback
4. Hillary Clinton: like a Democrat, but Republican-ish
3. I survived Whitewater and Monica, this'll be a piece of cake
2. Bill's gonna look great in Oscar de la Renta
1. Five words: Jessica Biel for Vice President
Alright, HuffPosters, what are your best Letterman lines for Hillary?
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Letterman is a terrible interviewer and throws in a question about Senator Craig out of the blue. Hillary gives a restrained and awkward response, but it wasn't fair to put that question to her anyway.
Letterman had a half hour with her and he said nothing about national issues and how Hillary might respond to them as president. It was a wasted opportunity all around. Hillary did talk about the money she has raised, some 63 million, and how the Supreme Court has ruled that political donations are a form of speech.
Hillary is playing it strictly by the numbers, but I guess you have to in the Swift Boat era.
10. Revoke Florida's statehood
9. Restore relations with Cuba with giant cigar expo
8. Have former Bush admin declared enemy combatants and tortured
7. Make Gitmo into giant Lord of the Rings theme park
6. Ill cater to the rich, not just the ultra rich
5. Free sno-cones for everyone!
4. Legalize Pot, outlaw Tobacco
3. Force HBO to bring back "Deadwood"
2. Have Giuliani institutionalized for his own good
1. Make less war and more hot love with interns!
2.
"I will remove all of our fighting forces from the Middle East including Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, Iraq and any other Arab/Muslim country because I know ... and all the evidence has shown ... that we have no business being there, no morale right to be there, and that our presence there inflames the indigenous people and endangers Americans around the world."
If she's willing to state that ... and she isn't ... then she has my full support.
Barring that, I'll not lift a finger for, nor donate a penny to, her campaign.
She's either with the American people ... or she's against us. On imperialism, there is no middle ground.
Either she gets the message of the last election cycle, or, like the Republican idiots who lost both houses, she doesn't ...
... in which case, we have no use for in the White House.
8
.
"One small step for woman,one giant leap for womankind";
"It's Rodham, just Rodham";
"In my administration, a cigar WILL be just a cigar"
"Increase our country's collective IQ. Vote for me and give Rush/Ann/Laura/Mark a stroke."
I ain't got a penis, but I got balls!
Gore? rhymes with snore.
I get more tail than my husband.
Edwards has health care, Obama has world peace, and I've got a rack. Er, I mean, Iraq.
My man is my bitch.
Got PMS? Invade a small country.
Unlike my predecessor, I can actually read.
It ain't about the power. It's about the free air fare.
Does the oval office make my ass look fat?
10. Master (ex-President Bill Clinton) and Commander (President Hillary Clinton) in the White House – the best twofer America could wish for.
9. America will get a do-over of the 90s without any raging hormones in the Oval Office.
8. This is “Chicago Hope, Part Deux” – only, this time, the gal from Chicago is in the driver’s seat and the boy from Hope is riding shotgun.
7. Two words: Madam President.
6. With the Fox (Murdoch) in charge of the Henhouse (WSJ), no member of the Hillary Administration can utter the words “white” and “water” in the same sentence.
5. Two more words: First Gentleman (that’s right; suck it in Limbaugh, Hannity, O’Reilly, etc.)
4. Here’s an inconvenient Déjà vu – “I will restore honest and integrity to the White House!”
3. A plea to Governor Spitzer: Senator Bill Clinton.
2. Eliot, it’s that, or I start rooting for the curly W.
1. Investigate this, Starr – Bill and I are back – time to rev up the VRWC.
Was this supposed to make her look funny?
Is there not a single decent political consultant out there for the Dems to turn to?
Is there no one who could have stopped the cold fish from making her biggest conversation piece a story about gutting fish?
Good grief.
She seemed relaxed and in good humor; and not canned.
She did prepare a Top 10 list for Dave and I thought number 1 on the list was, indeed, pretty funny. It was a nod to all those dark conspiracies that swirl around them. lol
1. One more pantsuit joke and Letterman disappears.
If she came across that way more often, she'd have more fans.
(And I say this as someone who has NEVER been a fan of her or her husband.)