Sex Diaries: 6 Things I Learned About Love From Other People's Sex Lives

'No' is the first step on the path to 'yes.' I learned this asking 2000 people to keep 7-day anonymous diaries of their private lives for my new book The Sex Diaries Project: What We're Saying About What We're Doing.

Most people say no. They refuse, explaining that they're "normal" and "definitely not an exhibitionist." Or they politely explain that they're single and "not just boring, but really boring." And so I call back a few days later and point out that the project's objective is to capture actual people's private lives. And eventually they say yes.

Their ensuing diaries have blown open how I think about sex and relationships:

SLIDESHOW: 6 Things I Learned About Love From Other People's Sex Lives

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Comments

[Terri Skau]

02:03 AM on 02/04/2012

I'm at a loss of words. :-)

[brettrobbins]

01:19 AM on 02/04/2012

I can't get past the corniness of the stock photos accompanying the text in the slideshow.

[newworldman777]

05:11 PM on 02/03/2012

Has anyone read the "personals" on Craigslist? I was astounded by the number of married couples who are looking to spice up their lives by inviting another partner for a sexual threesome. The preferred partner is usually a male (a well-endowed one, at that -- the couple is often graphically specific about the endowment preferred -- and sometimes a minority male), and the preferred meeting place is usually a cheap motel room, to ensure that the couple's identities and their home address will remain a mystery to the partner (usually a stranger).

I don't know if this kind of sex play occurred often in the past, and if it did, I don't know how they all made the arrangements to get together. Perhaps the lady of the house offered a handsome, well-built stranger a few discreet winks? Today's internet sites, which ensure anonymity, provide couples and potential threesome partners with a perfect medium for such naughty sex play.

[Terence Manuel]

08:03 PM on 02/03/2012

I wonder which partner is requesting the threesome with another male?

I have a female friend who is married. She cheats on her husband. She dated a guy a while back who wanted her to do a threesome with another guy. She was very upset and disturbed by the suggestion and his persistence. She refused and later discovered he was a pervert. At least that is what she concluded.

She asked me about it. I told her I thought the guy must be bi-sexual. I do not know of many men who would want that kind of thing. I have heard of well to do White men getting young Black studs for their wives and girlfriends.....

Not my thing. Plus, I am divorced from a sexless marriage.

[angiedailey628]

08:19 AM on 02/04/2012

I would be very upset if my husband asked to add a third person to our sex life... I am a firm believer that IF you are with the right person that's all you need... he takes care of me and after 10 years I have no desire to ever be with anyone else. I know everyone doesn't feel the same but I'm a romantic and still think that the perfect person for everyone is out there...

[Molly D]

09:32 PM on 02/03/2012

The internet has enabled an explosion of social and sexual interaction unimagined just 20 years ago. Most of the kinky stuff was around before, but not widely accessible, or accepted. I can understand conservatives freaking out about it... but that's human progress. You can't make time stand still. In social interaction we are going places never traversed before. I like it!

[psandysdad]

01:39 PM on 02/03/2012

Old news. We older types said it long ago: "different strokes for different folks".

[Hollywood053]

01:13 PM on 02/03/2012

I am happily married for 32 years and I love it. My only complaint is, and maybe I can hear some input from a few women. When you've been married for a long time, why is it that sex ( with her husband ) is the last thing on a womans mind compared to the man. I know for a fact that this is THEE most important issue in many and many men's realationship. I own a Barber Shop and have been doing it for a long time,so Ive been more or less an arm chair shrink. This has been the most common complaint I have heard over the last 35 years of cutting hair. The husband is into it just about anytime and the wife is content with once in a while. I know about changing it up and being romantic etc,but I wonder why this is so.

[angiedailey628]

08:54 PM on 02/03/2012

I've only been married for 10 years but the biggest thing I had to realize -- and I think many women may not think about it this way -- is that even though I don't always feel up to it to begin with (we have 4 kids) I never regret it once I say ok... my husband always makes sure I'm happy. Of course I still have to play hard to get sometimes. :)

[Molly D]

10:03 PM on 02/03/2012

Huff Post Science just put up an article about this.

[ycplum]

12:50 PM on 02/03/2012

Just a slight point. It is extremely difficult to express emotions through text, but not impossible (especially if you have unlimited text plan). In the days before telephone, letters and even short notes were extremely expressive. We simply lost that skill set.

[Gary Sawyer]

12:47 PM on 02/03/2012

What I've learned from many years of life is that women can be just as willing as men to jump in the sack with a nameless partner as men. It certainly killed my "ideal" that women were more discrete in terms of the selection process than men. Bottom line is both sexes love sex.

[gr91423]

01:19 PM on 02/03/2012

I've also learned that women are just as willing to cheat on their boyfriends or husbands, and often do. They're just more dicreet about it, unlike men who like to brag.

[Gary Sawyer]

03:37 PM on 02/03/2012

That is also an absolute truth that I discovered both from personal experience and observation. I left that out of my initial post because I didn't want to lay it too heavily on the ladies since I do love them.

[daretotopme]

12:46 PM on 02/03/2012

I am going to use my new Oprah's Lifeclass free journal as a sex journal so that I may live my best life!

Watch for the Dare on OWN!!

[mattp123]

12:33 PM on 02/03/2012

6 things this article taught me:
1. not relevant to most people
2. things that are obvious
3. something vague
4. things I already knew
5. ....
6. something you cant prove

[alankeithbricker]

12:19 PM on 02/03/2012

'Curating Sex Diaries' Is A Valid Job Description? Uh ... ok. I love these "experts." They surely must hear those little voices in their heads that whisper to them, "Hey - whatever you write, just try to convince the rest of the world that it's as screwy and demented as the ten or twelve of us are, in this tiny minority. Hey - write ANYTHING to convince the rest of the world that our tiny minority is much bigger than what it really is." After all, no one wants to feel isolated. Truth be told - "NORMAL" people still exists. No - they aren't necessarily classified as the "Ozzie and Harriet" kind of normal, but if you ARE in that majority of still-normal-people, you're a far cry from the Arianne Cohen version of "normal." We are slowly but surely losing our minds by constant exposure to "experts." They should be given their own island, where the only people they can annoy ... are each other.

[newleaf]

12:01 PM on 02/03/2012

Makes me glad I'm married, being single and constantly shifting people and rules sounds like too much work.

[gr91423]

01:25 PM on 02/03/2012

You're obviously a woman. Men love freedom, variety, and the thrill of the hunt.

[angiedailey628]

03:07 PM on 02/03/2012

Didn't you read number 4? ;)

[Sophia BD]

11:52 AM on 02/03/2012

Has anyone here read her book? If you have, what did you think - would you recommend?

[martinchill]

11:47 AM on 02/03/2012

why is it that every time they use a photo of two pairs of feet, the one allegedly on bottom has their legs closed?

*chuckle*

[spkninglsh]

12:02 PM on 02/04/2012

I thought I was doing something wrong ; )

[Kellybelle22]

05:32 PM on 02/06/2012

I've wondered that, too!

[qytime]

11:31 AM on 02/03/2012

This is going to bake your noodle....but it's true. Men have more emotions and women are more emotional. Also, men are more romantic than women. My reference point is 23 years (17 married) to a woman 7 years my senior and a few years in the dating world with a couple of relationships that lasted over a 1 year. I could write a book about what I know.

[gr91423]

11:56 AM on 02/03/2012

You been with the same woman 23 years and only dated a couple of other women? I could write a book about what you DON'T know.

[Billv1]

01:04 PM on 02/03/2012

careful, it may be the SAME book!

[JD777]

11:23 AM on 02/03/2012

The young woman in slide 2 is absurdly beautiful. And since slide 1 tells me that there are no rules, I no longer feel guilty for um, repurposing her image. Thanks Huff Post!

[jf12]

12:20 PM on 02/03/2012

It's naturally curly, btw.