The word "other" is commonly used in English as both an adjective and a pronoun. As an adjective: "Born on the other side of the tracks." As a pronoun: "If it's not one thing, it's the other." Today I'd like to submit for your consideration the word "other" as a verb. Examples? "Dude, don't other me," and "She was in a terrible mood, othering everybody the whole evening."
Here is my proposed dictionary entry for the next Merriam Webster:
other |ˈəðər|
verb
1. To attribute qualities onto another person, often a celebrity in the news, so as to avoid acknowledging these same qualities within oneself:
[as verb. ] Hey, don't other Clinton, most married men have done stuff like that | I went to a meeting with the Dalai Lama. It was great but people tend to other him by putting him above them.
For the last 10 days, our latest "otherfest" has focused on Rep. Anthony Weiner, whose name made him a larger-than-life-disney-cartoon disaster waiting to happen. Republicans are having a field day, of course, and even the members of his own party are calling for his resignation. Now don't get me wrong here. I'm not advocating sending snaps of your private parts to women you hardly know. I don't condone lying, or emotionally abandoning your recently pregnant wife. Probably everyone, including Rep. Weiner himself, agrees that these actions were stupid, immature, and hurtful to other people.
We can learn from this and many other current events, however, by shifting our attention from "what that terrible, despicable, lying rotten good-for-nothing over there did," to "why are we getting so upset about this and giving it so much attention?"
Why do we use the news so frequently for collective "othering?" One important reason is that there are weaknesses from which we all suffer: you, me and everyone we know. For example, pretty much every married man suffers from a case, be it mild or strong, of the wandering eye. His attention is caught by a pretty face, or a shapely curve, before he even has time to think about it. He might sometimes gaze at the thousands of naked women available on the web. He might even go all out and have an affair. Generally, he feels bad about all of the above, he frequently lies about it, hoping no one finds out about neither his actions, nor his secret thoughts and dreams. He knows that all this distracts him from true intimacy with his wife, and she knows it too. Yet he doesn't know what to do about it. It is a dangerous weakness we all have. If we act on these impulses and get caught, they can destroy our marriage or career. So when a man conveniently called Weiner makes the mistake of following the impulses of his weiner, it is not just his issue. It is every man's secret nightmare, and let it be noted, his wife's as well.
Similarly, every mother I have ever known, however devoted, loving and patient, at some time or other has felt overwhelmed. She needs a break. She may sometimes lose it with the kids, or wish she had not become a mother so young. She might even, in her most private moments of deep despair, wish she could go back to the carefree life she lived before they were born. But she catches herself and blocks such thoughts from her mind. She dreads being branded as a bad mother for even thinking such things. If questioned, she would never, ever, ever, admit to resenting her own kids. On that note, it should come as no wonder that the Casey Anthony trial does not pass in obscurity in a remote Florida court house, instead making it to the top international news headlines day after day. Every small and sordid detail is guzzled up in real time by millions of people, as if it were their own family member in the dock. Why? Because it is our own secret nightmare on display for everyone to see.
The simple antidote for othering which turns every news story into an opportunity for evolution and maturity are three simple words: just like me. What did Weiner do? His attention wandered, and he acted on it. Most men, at least the honest ones, could easily say, "just like me." (and yes, things that happened in college do count.) Then he lied, for a week, before fessing up. C'mon guys, we can also offer another "just like me."
In order for "just like me" to work, you've got to let go of the facts a little bit and tune into the energy underneath. Most men have not twitted pics of their package to virtual strangers. They may not even have flirted. And certainly most women have never actually harmed their own children. The question is whether you can locate and be honest about the same impulses in the locked basement of your own thoughts. You may not have acted on them, but the important question is, have you ever taken such a wild ride in your mind?
Two or three months ago, Dr. Gay Hendricks and I released a YouTube video called ""Dear Woman."" With a ramshackle assortment of buddies, we created a chorus of "just like me," about how we could all 'fess up to weaknesses in our own masculine psyche. Men from all over the world were outraged that we would voice a collective apology for things that we, and they, didn't do.
People object to letting go of "othering" because they think that by acknowledging those same traits in themselves, it is creating guilt and shame. They are also concerned that they may be abandoning their moral compass all together, reducing themselves to a left coast mush where everything is ok.
I suggest that you can maintain a well-tuned sense right and wrong, without having to project the "wrong" onto political figures, and claim the "right" things for yourself. Releasing "othering" doesn't make you a bad person. It just makes you a more honest, deeper and compassionate one.
What are the benefits of integrating "just like me" into your life?
You can use "just like me" not only on things that you condemn as bad, but also on qualities you admire, and wish to emulate, "The Dalai Lama is so wise and calm.. just like me." "Mark Wahlberg is so smart, just like me." "Barack Obama is so eloquent. He has such a knack with words... just like me."
Want to know more about "just like me" and other similar tools? Go register at thedeeperlove.com, and we'll send you a useful practice every few days.
If you totally loved this post, clap loudly. If you hated it and think the author is an idiot, the comment box below is provided for othering.
Follow Arjuna Ardagh on Twitter: www.twitter.com/awakeningcoach
Howard Fineman: Where Weiner Didn't Matter
Larry Flynt: My Job Offer for Anthony Weiner
Eddy Portnoy: A Closer Look at Weiner: Ruminating on Irksome Jewish Names
Matt Semino: The Casey Anthony Trial, a Cult of Infamy
Judge: Casey Anthony's parents can be at trial, over her objection ...
Rep. Anthony Weiner: 'The Picture Was of Me and I Sent It' - ABC News
Anthony Weiner News and Video - FOX News Topics - FOXNews.com
But how easily something like that could happen to anyone. I try and send compassion to such people - we're all capable of that momentary lapse of concentration that has such devastating results.
Are you saying that ALL men want to send questionable photos of themselves across our various means of communication? If so, why? As I said I just don't get it.
The thing about Wiener and others like Craig, what possesses them to do such things when the likelihood of a good outcome is very low? Do they not think about the possible outcomes or is that very risk a part of the excitement?
I don't really care what anybody does with their personal sex lives on their own time.
The issue for me is that it causes me to question their decision making abilities and to lose confidence that they can lead well because incidents of this nature certainly make it appear that they fail to consider the repercussions of their actions.
Than that says this in a poetic way. Great article, thnks.
My joy is like spring, so warm it makes flowers bloom in all
walks of life.
My pain if like a river of tears, so full it fills the four oceans.
Please call me by my true names,
so I can hear all my cries and laughs at once,
so I can see that my joy and pain are one.
Please call me by my true names,
so I can wake up,
and so the door of my heart can be left open,
the door of compassion.
--Thich Nhat Hanh
A little more compassion in this world, yes, that would be nice...our vision less clouded, more open, more welcoming. As Gandhi said so famously, be the change you wish to see in the world. Be the change. Beautiful.
Appreciate the reference to the poem. I had to look it up. I enjoy good poetry so much....
Have I ever done things of which Im not proud? Certainly. Have I ever sent a photo of my erect penis to a woman I don't know? Certainly not.
Have my wife or I ever contemplated or come close to harming our children? Never.
Could I ever see myself doing these things? (The two aren't comparable-online sex is nowhere near as reprehensible as physically harming another.) No. I really can't.
Weiner is a creepy, twerpy, obnoxious leftist egomaniac.
But Casey Anthony deserves a life sentence.
Neither deserve much in the way of pity, and neither deserve any form of respect, esteem, or kindness.
Monday – Friday, I set my alarm clock for 6:00 a.m. There is never, ever a morning when I feel ready to get out of bed at that hour. But get out of bed I do, and wake up my daughter, and make the lunches, and spend the day reading numbers and ledgers and printing checks for folks who need them.
I’m no saint, but it’s my job. People rely on me. There are times when the dust bunnies are four inches thick behind the sofa, when the laundry lies in piles on the floor, or when we order dinner in because the thought of cooking is just a bit too much. But I would never think of jeopardizing my job or the life of my child – it’s unthinkable.
I have a really hard time finding a way to cut Anthony Weiner or Casey Anthony any slack.
The most negative aspect of this is the mobbing online. The inability to reserve judgement and the lack of the ability to offer even a hint of redemption on a human level.
For the most part, I'm able to ignore these kinds of stories. But I do find it really absurd when total strangers try to make excuses for them. I don't believe redemption is possible until you've admitted that you messed up.
It's also interesting how this article speaks of a hypothetical man and a hypothetical woman who do certain "bad" things. The man is described in negative terms as someone who has a weakness, a wandering eye, is watching porn, having an affair, and then feeling bad and ashamed about it. The woman on the other hand is almost portrayed as a victim, what with needing a break, becoming a mother too young, dreading the label of a bad mother....what a poor little woman she must be. Guess what? The hypothetical man is also likely to have legitimate problems which make him do those "bad" things. At least show gender equality when it comes to understanding peoples' problems.
So that he lied about something so intimate is of no surprise to me. It was none of our business, but then he shouldn't be sexting either. Expecting people in general to avoid passing that along is like expecting three yr olds to not eat the cookies on the table when your back is turned.
www.healthjournalist.com
Apart from the irritating notion of creating yet another unneeded word, this article really does seem to suggest everyone not only has the same urges, but barely escapes acting on them - if they do. Which is a load of rubbish.
In one respect Weiner may be more honest than many of the so called powerful, he let himself get caught.