Bucket List: Things To Do Before I Die

02/06/2012 09:43 am ET | Updated Apr 07, 2012

I'm in good health. Really. I'm fine except for a "temporary burning sensation" which I probably should have checked out. Meanwhile I have this list of things I want to do before I die. They're not earthshaking things, but I'd really like to do them. You might be asking "Why nine things?" Because I can't think of 10.

1. Sit in a tub of tapioca pudding

I like tubs. I like tapioca. I think it will feel good. I'd like to give it a shot.

2. Slow dance with Charlize Theron

Ms. Theron's a babe. A lot of guys would want to go further than slow dancing. I'm OK with a twirl, a little turn and then a slow dip.

3. Find a field of waving wheat

I've always loved the image of waving wheat.

For decades I've heard it referenced in songs, "and the waving wheat can sure smell sweet" but I don't know where to actually find waving wheat. Is it somewhere in Kansas or Oklahoma or Manitoba? Or maybe it's outside the corporate headquarters of Kellogg's Corp in Battle Creek, Michigan. Wherever it is I want to find it.

4. Repair a toaster

I'm not handy. I once tried to put up a book shelf with scotch tape. It actually stayed up for about a minute before crashing down, chipping a coffee table, traumatizing my cat and giving my two children a lifelong fear of shelving. Bottom line: I've never fixed anything. I'd like to repair an appliance before I leave the planet.

A toaster is a good start. Mine is broken.

It would give me great sense of accomplishment and it might salvage the two slices of English muffins sitting there for a month.

5. Get on the writing staff of "JEOPARDY!"

Always enjoyed the television show "JEOPARDY!" -- I want to get on staff and write for them. I'll be submitting these categories: "Things That Stick on Your Face," "Trout," "Nutsy Absolute Monarchs," "Hot Oatmeal Collections" and "Bendy Straws." If the producers have to rewrite me so be it. I've been on many writing staffs and have been rewritten before. No big deal. But I'm fighting to keep the Absolute Monarch thing.

6. Become a logger for a day (maybe an hour)

It used to be called a "lumberjack." I liked the vibe: the pancake breakfasts, the checkered shirts, the great outdoors. When I was 20, I quit college and drove to Northern California to check it out. Then I realized a huge tree could fall and hit me on the head. I pursued other occupations. But I still have the desire to be a logger for a day or an hour or maybe five minutes.

7. Get an actual letter in the mail

Not an email, or a text, or an IM, or a tweet or an e-card -- I want to receive a personal letter, handwritten with a pen & ink on stationary with a stamp attached. A 32 cent stamp. I like to live in the past

8. Be up at the podium at the closing bell of Wall Street

At the closing bell of Wall Street you always see a bunch of people clanging the bell and smiling. Even if the Dow just plunged 450 points, they're smiling. I've always wanted to be one of those people clanging the bell. Ideally not on a day when the market tanks. I don't care who the other clangers are in my group. It could be billionaire corporate guys. It could be me, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Donald Trump and the two guys from Google, or it could be me and some dudes they dragged in from Occupy Wall Street right outside. I'll be the one clanging the bell because they'll probably be in cuffs. In any case I just want to be a Wall Street bell clanger.

9. Have an article published in The Huffington Post.

Okay, check one off. Now lets find some waving wheat.