Here's a news flash. Parenting is hard. There are so many competing goals. We want to raise happy kids, but also good kids who will do the right thing. We want our kids to be smart, honest, kind, and generous. And ideally we would do all of that while being nurturing all the time.
Of course, the real world doesn't make it easy to be a nurturing parent. Kids have minds of their own. They want to explore the world, to try new things, and to make their own mistakes. They push the limits of the rules we create, and they find ways to push our buttons.
Most parents manage to strike a balance between being a nurturing and loving parent and having to punish when necessary.
What happens when the balance swings too far toward punishment?
There is some research suggesting that when children grow up in an environment with extensive physical and verbal punishment they are at risk for behavioral problems as they get older.
A fascinating study by Victoria Talwar and Kang Lee in the November, 2011 issue of Child Development explored how an environment with lots of punishment affects lying in 3- and 4-year-old children.
The study took advantage of a natural experiment in a West African country. In this country (not identified in the paper), there was a long history of corporal punishment in the schools including beatings when children did something wrong. Although corporal punishment has been outlawed in the public schools in the country, private schools are still allowed to use it. The researchers went to one private preschool that used corporal punishment and a second that did not.
To explore lying, the children were first given a temptation. The experimenter told the children that a toy was being hidden behind them. The experimenter said that she had to leave the room for a moment and that the child should not turn around and peek at the toy while she was gone.
This situation is quite tempting, and most children end up turning around and looking at the toy. When the experimenter returns, she asks the children whether they peeked.
At the school where the children are punished often, about 90 percent of them lied to the experimenter and said that they did not look at the toy. In the school that did not use harsh punishments, only about half of the children lied.
Of course, young children are often bad liars. So, the experimenter asked a follow-up question. She asked the children who lied to guess what they thought the toy was. Children who are bad liars will identify the toy that they saw. Good liars will not let on that they know what the toy is.
In this study, about 70% of the children from the school that did not use harsh punishment identified the toy when asked. Only about 30% of the students from the school that used harsh punishment identified the toy.
Putting this together, the children who went to the school where they got harsh punishments were more likely to lie and were better liars than the ones who went to the school where they were not punished harshly.
Ultimately, even young children learn survival skills. In situations where they are being severely punished, children learn ways to avoid that punishment. They learn how to lie and how to do it effectively. As children get older, those lies get bitter.
In the end, even though punishment seems to work to keep children in line, it ultimately increases the bad behaviors it aims to stop.
Follow Art Markman, Ph.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/abmarkman
There is a difference between punishment and consequences. Punishment is usually given in anger and haste by the parent. Punishment such as smacking or hitting is always about the parents own anger and frustration and not about disciplining the child. Today I heard a story where a grandparent got a fright when the child ran toward the street so she gave the child a smack on the bum to "tell" the child it's not okay to go near the road. That smack was given because the grandparent got a fright when in actual fact she should have been watching the child. If you have to hit a child you've lost the battle to your own anger.
I've not ever read one study that shows that getting smacks and hits works as an effective form of discipline and helps a child become well adjusted.
Consequence has to fit the "crime".
The results obtained are obvious, being exactly what the theory of operant conditioning would predict, but the conclusions drawn from those results are not correct. The study does not demonstrate that "a punitive environment fosters dishonesty". Behavioural theory (as well as common sense) predicts that lying can be induced by the prospect of reward as well as the fear of punishment. If the experiment were modified so that the children were promised a treat for not looking at the toy, a high proportion of them would lie, regardless of whether they had any prior experience of corporal punishment.
Leaping to an unwarranted conclusion and failing to design the experiment to account for an obvious prediction of a well-known theory render the study worse than useless.
The study is so obviously flawed and so poorly designed that is dismaying to see that it even got published. It makes one question the intelligence, competence and integrity not only of the researchers, but also of the journal editors and reviewers.
By the way, it is safe to assume that the unnamed West African country is Ghana.
1. Pick your battles carefully... does the "crime" really need to be punished or simply addressed and let go.
2. never ask a question you know the answer to. This invites the possibility of a lie. State what you know, what you don't like about it and decide if its a battle that needs to be won
3. Don't punish for the sake of punishment. Give the child a chance to think about the consequences outside of him/herself that the misdeed may cause.
4. Make the punishment swift and final.. If you say no.. mean no.
5. No child should ever be put down or verbally abused. Rather let them know that you expect a lot because they are worthy and capable.
It worked for me.
But some parents are too forceful, and punish things that really don't matter. Peeking at a toy for example is not a big deal. Parents need to set a standard of respect. Show that you mean busniess but don't mess around. If you are angry all the time and throw out punishments left and right, the kid will rebel and resent you. If you show them clearly what they did wrong, and what the acceptable behavior is, and then most importantly reward their good behavior, they will try harder to please you.
And child will tell you they would rather make their parents mad then hear the 'we're dissapointed in you' speech. So don't raise your hands; choose your words wisely and get the point across.
I think that it's not so much that "children never lie" but in that circumstance a young child would be more likely to lie to protect the parent (claim that there is no abuse when abuse is actually happening) than to tell a lie to incriminate the parent (claim that there is abuse when no abuse has actually occurred.) As children get older, they may feel more justified in falsely incriminating a parent. And, of course, none of this takes into account how much a child might be manipulated by a parent before CPS is involved.
"They say that one of out 25 people are sociopaths (non-empatÂhetic); it wouldn't surprise me if they are great liars as kids." This is probably true.
My kids have learned to be a stand up person even if you did something wrong and that telling the truth is the correct thing to do even in this world of well you all know what We have out side your doors.
My son also has learned that He doesn't have to worry about making up a lye and then getting caught in the future.
My hope is that when they gorw older through their teens they'll continue and let Us help them through even the hardest maturing years.
We both believe that discipline is important, and so we chose to use time outs and loss of privileges as consequences. Amazingly, with 5 children all born within 5 years, we found that peer pressure, or sibling pressure, was the greatest disciplinarian. I think parents have to agree on consequences, they have to be consistent, and be willing to go the distance. We managed to survive a school quarter of our then 13 year old son having absolutely no privileges, since he decided it was okay to fail, he just wanted to be average. It wasn't easy to hear how mean we were, how much he hated us, how he was going to run away if we didn't let him watch tv, play video games or go out. We prevailed, he graduated High School with honors, went to an Ivy League school and is a Jr Exec for a large company. You just have to be willing to go the distance.
Any ideas, please!!!
1) Before anything, have a complete and honest rethink about when and why you ask a child to obey you. A lot of times I have noticed parents telling children to not do things simply for their own convenience. Also know some parents that let their kids decide things for themselves A LOT and it seems to work well, even with very little ones.
2) Some actions have natural consequences. As much as is safe and possible let them find out the consequences.
3) Calm and patience, which is difficult. So if a kid is making a mess, tell them they will have to clean it up. And wait it out. Even if you have to physically ' hug' them to keep them still until they agree to clean it up. The low boredon threshold will get to them first. As long as it is done as a matter of fact consequence and not out of anger or frustration.
4) Always warn them of the 'punishment' in a matter of fact way ( eg 'you will have to ...' etc) first, then carry it through without anger. Make it about consequence, not punishment. In life, it is the consequences of our negative actions that hurt us.
Here's a story about rewards and how they can backfire. When I was in the eighth grade I had almost perfect attendance. That is, it was perfect until nearly the end of the year when I ended up with some nasty virus that left me feeling dizzy and faint (I had to be escorted out to my mom's car so that if I passed out there'd be someone there to grab me.)
The next week awards were handed out and I actually did get a plaque for perfect attendance. Some of my school mates gave me a hard time because I had gotten the award but had been absent the previous week due to my illness. Eventually, some adult (I don't remember who--a teacher or something) said to me "Well you don't really deserve the award, but you can keep it anyway."
Would it surprise you to know that the next year I had a "screw you!" attitude when it came to attendance (and other things too)?
Moral of the story--rewards are no better than punishments. Both encourage children to do things for the wrong reasons.