The Difficulties Of Disconnecting

A couple of weeks ago, just before I took some vacation time, I was chatting with a student about my trip. He asked if I would send him some photos of flowing lava from the active Hawaiian volcano I planned to visit. I told him I would do so when I got back.

"Just send them from your phone," he said.

"I don't have one with a camera," I answered.

"From your laptop, then," he persisted.

"I'm not taking one with me."

The student, a successful physician, stared at me with slack-jawed amazement. "You mean you're going to disconnect?"

"Sure," I said. "It's spring break time. I want to spend it with my son and enjoy nature. You know the sky, the sun, the ocean, stars and wind."

"But all by yourself?"

"Not all by myself, although I often do that. With my boy."

"But not the Internet," he said.

I shook my head. "Not until I get back."

He looked at me in frank admiration. "That's really living," he said.

Connecting and disconnecting have switched places of late. When I was growing up, having a telephone in your car meant you were a person of great importance. Only a politician of cabinet rank would have one, or maybe a senator, a police commissioner or spy boss, a mogul, tycoon, or captain of industry. To be available to others while on the go and to have them available to you meant that your electronic presence, your judgment, input, direction or counsel was so essential that your personal life, your peace and quiet, took second fiddle to some Greater Good; to be able to be reached anywhere anytime was a real status symbol.

Nowadays precisely the opposite seems true. Being able to disconnect has become the status symbol that high-tech connection formerly was. An Internet publicist of good reputation -- she appears to live and breathe the Web -- recently confessed to me that her fondest ambition was to get offline and write a novel, to stop e-mailing and surfing and blogging and reading and, instead, set pen to paper (or at least fingers to word-processor keyboard.) Doctors and lawyers and businessmen alike -- at least the type who seek me out for lessons in tai chi, mindfulness, Chinese philosophy or just a good story -- sigh wistfully at the idea of being able to spend time away from cell phones, keyboards and screens. These are the same folks who just a few short years ago ridiculed me for resisting a cell phone, called me a Luddite and suggested I be pelted with stones and other hard and simple things I seemed to like so much.

Eventually I did get a cell phone, and found it convenient, though not without demerits. In addition to the pluses and minuses of being available and having others available to me, there were the occasional close calls while talking behind the wheel. Of course, everyone knows driving while chatting is dangerous, but it seems that the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration now claims this is because it is the mind that is occupied, not the eyes or the fingers.

It is the mind I worry about, mine at least, all the more because today, years after the original, simple wireless telephone, I bought an iPhone. It allows me to blog on the fly -- small screen typing remains dicey for me though -- and even to send pictures of erupting volcanoes to friends while standing by the lava and ash. I'm sure that in five years time it will look positively antediluvian, but for now it seems a brilliantly designed technical marvel, intuitive, smart, and already capable of doing more than I will ever likely ask of it. And yet, and yet, as I pondered its options and menus at a traffic light on my way home and explored the list of applications available for it via wireless signal -- even perused ring tones and podcasts to add to it on my home computer as it synched my contacts and calendar and put my favorite tunes aboard -- I wondered the technical marvel inside my head is being compromised by this one in my hand.

I am one of those folks who dials numbers manually rather than using the contacts list or issuing the verbal order "call home" so as to keep my memory sharp. I like to do arithmetic in my head so I don't forget how, and to use a map when I'm lost or rely on directional cues rather than a GPS with a friendly voice telling me to turn left in half a mile. I get that the new way is easier, I'm just not sure it's better.

In short, despite communicating with friends and readers of my novels all over the world by e-mail, and despite being a great fan of the Web (you're reading my blog, perhaps you've already visited both of my websites?) -- even though I'm conversant with the theory that the Internet is in the process of uniting us all into a great big superbrain that represents the next level of consciousness evolution -- I'm not convinced that the virtual world is better than the real one.

I know, I know. I can always turn off the phone, turn off the computer, retire to the garden to meditate under a tree, practice my tai chi in the park, or, my absolute favorite -- saunter over to my easy chair and read a great novel. I know it's up to me. I know it's an issue of character and discipline. I know my electronic devices are just tools. I know they are, or should be, the slaves to my will. To your will. To our will. I know that temptation, distraction and enticement are always there, and that only people of weak will succumb to them. But even in choosing not to do something some little bit of time and energy is required, and as the number of those temptations grow, so do those packets of energy.

I worry a bit that those things that are most important to me -- spending time with my family, writing my novels, doing my martial arts practice -- are slowly under assault by the very gadgets that I bought to make my life easier, smoother, better. I worry that where once we made our tools, our tools are now making us. I worry that if we don't keep this point alive and keep this dialog going we are in danger of forgetting the really deep parts of being alive in favor of the titillating trinkets of technology. I worry that when my son attends a friend's birthday party at a video arcade and a dozen young boys spend two hours in front of screens and never so much as say a word to each other -- what happened to ball games, board games, wrestling matches, parties at the beach? -- something dangerous may be happening, something that benefits the companies who make these tools more than it benefits those of us who use them.

I'm not a Luddite -- although I appear to be an endangered species -- and I don't want to totally drop out. I enjoy being part of an exciting new world. But at the risk of the wrath of the technorati, I'd like to suggest that perhaps a bit of balance is required, that mindfulness is fading and direct experience growing rarer by the day, and that perhaps we all need to give ourselves some of the new kind of "status" and turn everything off now and then.

What do you think?

Comments

[timezone]

Dear Mr. Rosenfeld, I could really relate to your article. It's so tempting to make the first and last (and most of the middle) of our day about being "connected". Online, cell phone attached to our body, the list goes on. No wonder people have trouble concentrating. I've decided to try to make meditation my first "connection" of the morning. I figure if I connect to myself first, it'll help make sense out of the rest of the day. I shoot for at least 1/2 an hour, but even five can help center. I notice making a quiet meditation time before I go to bed, helps unwind the day. Balancing the fast-paced world we live in, for me, requires these peaceful time-outs (tune-ins).

[DragonMama]

I just got a BlackBerry recently and I'm enjoying having everything in one device (decent digital camera, MP3 player for my audiobooks, calendar, contact book, to-do reminders with audible alarms, and even word-processing - I've suddenly started blogging again now that I can do it from the phone after having my hands too busy/full with two little ones to do it for a year). However, I very much view the gadget as my TOOL, even when I joke about it being my external brain. I am physically challenged (and full-time motherhood with two small children presents plenty of mental challenges), as well as being extremely extroverted so the device is really helping me feel a little more sane and a little less isolated (even than my always-on internet connection was, and I'd be completely insane by now as a disabled at-home mother without the internet since i can't just take a walk with the kids and connect face-to-face and the majority of local folks I know work during the day). But it does need to be kept in its proverbial "place", that's for sure. Not sure if iPhone has the software available, but I'm really liking Profile Scheduler on my bberry, I can tell my phone to automatically silence itself at specific times/dates and that's a good start at least.

[truestarr]

There are times when I am swallowed up with the process. I get up in the morning turn on the laptop, get my coffee and start online - I can find myself submerged for hours. Time passes unacknowledged. I check my mail, my favorite sites, read up on all the political arguments, run some computer scans and updates play a game or two, and suddenly it's afternoon.

When I have something I need to do (friends coming for dinner, appointments etc.) I need to completely shut down the laptop. If I turn it on, I feel the pull (just one quick game of "spider"!) I don't go online. Yet when I am away from my computer working in the garden, on vacation with my husband, taking a walk with the dog, visiting with friends, all the things that make up a full life, I find I don't think of my computer at all.

It's all or nothing.

I think, sometimes, it's an addiction as bad as smoking. But of course I wouldn't give it up unless I had to! (Though I did give up smoking.)

[rbspickles]

I couldn't agree more. We need to disconnect our children and get them back outside playing. We need to disconnect our teens and get them, well, outside playing. We need to disconnect ourselves and go outside and play! Great advice :D

[DennyCrane]

It almost sounds like an addiction. I see people who suffer internet withdrawal or Facebook withdrawal and wonder what's wrong with these people. The world won't come to an end if you can't check your email today or can't see your friends' updates on Facebook.

[timezone]

I think it is a bit of an addiction, Denny. I decided to lose cable because it was too easy to just watch it for distraction. The first couple days were hard, after that, I was amazed how much more I was getting done and how much happier I was. I checked all the new movies out at my local library (free, even better), so only watched what I really wanted to, my reading tripled and I felt more at peace. I also slept better. Saving the 60-80 cable bill was a plus too!

[mlally]

technology is great, it makes many things easier.

but it has a price, recently I've been noticing teenagers absorbed in the practice of staring at their cell phones even when present among friends ( and I mean not present). Its almost comical

what will happen as that generation gets older and become adults

[girouxj13]

Disconnecting (virtually/tech)... I find this to be a challenge and one that I'm taking baby steps to overcome. Recently I moved from the US to Europe. In the US I was constantly connected via my blackberry and this meant 24/7 access. I decided that once I settled in Europe I would pitch the blackberry and opt for a basic phone with minimal luxuries. I have successfully made the transition and can say that my phone and 'that constant access' has become an afterthought. I still struggle with leaving my office and coming home only to flip on my laptop moments after I walk in the door but at least I've made some progress. I say this because its not about the virtual disconnect but rather about making the time for the physical connection - taking a day, a week, a month off to connect w/ one's physical environment rather than the virtual landscape - both of which have their perks but i think the ultimate goal is to achieve balance.

[doublewhammy]

In 2004 I took a year sabatical, no cellphone, swam instead of the computer. I got an old fashion phone that rang in the house. Qwest had an annoying feature. When I would call friends, and wonder why they did not call back, had the option of leaving a message without having the phone ring.I let everyone know to live in a society where you did not hear someones voice, a reflection of their emotion and state of mind, then do not leave a message. I saw and heard birds, frogs, eagles, I heard noises other than electricity. Some of the best times, if people would listen instead of being irritated with the electric company is to enjoy the peace of no electricity. Now living back in urban, I find the only peace comes from reading my mac in early morning. Finding out more info about the world and the nature I watched and listened too. Annoying of late, a friend does not call but told me he was too busy to keep up with friends, he joined facebook. How lonely is that. I disconnected from facebook that very day. Our lives and souls are built on memories/stories shared with eye contact and voice. One of many reasons why coffee shops are successful, still a place to connect. Having a dog, no problem with eye contact there or touching or a wag of the tail. Thank God they don't use computers or cellphones.

[Ariella Rogge]

Thank you for the encouragement!

I have the great fortune of working, year-round, at a camp in Colorado--a place where even cell phone service hasn't a chance, and satellite internet (yes, there is such a thing) is the norm.

In the last three years, staff training experienced an increase in DNSss (Disappearing No-Show) staff syndrome. We gear up for a natural history hike somewhere on our 6,000 acre property...and three staff members have vanished. Where? Driving around someplace, usually lost, trying to get cell service.

The campers aren't much better. Last year we had a camper half-successfully contact her parents from her tent during a rain storm. The call went through and was immediately dropped. I spent the rest of the storm driving/hiking around that same 6,000 acres trying to make sure everything was alright to appease a frantic mother. "I'm fine," said the camper, "I just wanted her to send me another pair of socks."

Even though this post will have to find its way to outer space and back--I am glad we can offer kids (and our staff) the same opportunity to disconnect. Like your student said, it really IS living....and, for creating real, authentic relationships, it is healthier, too!

I wish you a wonderful spring break in the outdoors with your son--hope you see some shooting stars, swim in the ocean at dawn, and walk in and out of conversation under a beautiful early evening sky.

[weavermiami2]

Thanks. I'm turning off the computer right now.

[nootrope]

I envision a day when people will be buried with their cell phones hooked up to a giant battery so loved ones can still text them or call and get the voice message and feel connected, like some kind of ancient egyptian sarcophagus where people were interred with personal belongings and drawings of family so they wouldn't be lonely. Then we can all be connected to the dead as well as the living (two sides of the same coin of existence).

[Jonahson]

Arthur Rosenfeld we are a dying breed. Late starter on modern gadgets we will be very different from the younger generations especially your son.
There is a lot of information and fun from modern gadgets but nothing beats warm friendship, meeting up with your friends personally. Good thing to connect with your son and teach him how to live in a real world.

[Arthur Rosenfeld - Huffpost Blogger]

Ha ha, this one really does stir the juices, doesn't it? I'm a dying breed in more ways than you can possibly imagine. I live in a world of China 2500 years ago, I drive the simplest car I can find, I rejoice in giving things away in an effort not only to be generous but to reduce the clutter in my life to the barest minimum. I strive to travel for a month with only a small overnight back that will fit under an airplane seat as luggage. Cluttered or simple, what counts most in life is to be happy, and I am.

A student recently said that my reaction to all this high-tech stuff is old hat. People said the same thing about cars and refrigerators. I'm not so sure. Those things brought people together physically. This technology does the opposite. Evolution does have dead-ends. There are wrong turns in the march of progress. Perhaps this is one; perhaps not. The beautiful thing is we have the ability to think and communicate, to be self aware and discuss the trends, just as we are doing here, in the interest of exerting some steering force. We'll see what happens.

[Arthur Rosenfeld - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks for reading my blog. I agree that there is a generational dimension to this. It's cultural too. A recent study shows that twenty-something Germans prefer the Internet to each other. They can find another partner, they say, but there is no substitute for the Web.

I do believe that the real issue has to do with a gradual replacement of face-to-face interaction with interaction through an electronic medium that levels all playing fields the way firearms did when they came on the war scene. People who are socially uncomfortable find messaging and texting etc. easier, and people who are socially adept don't care either way. We are gradually and inexorably replacing the real world with the virtual world. It seems inevitable. I don't suppose it's good or bad. It's evolution. It just is. But I do hope it can be done with more awareness of what is being lost as opposed to with less.

[ThursdayNext]

I have had people look at me oddly when I tell them my cell phone is for my convenience, not theirs, and that if I want to ignore it, shut it off, or answer it is up to me, not them. I am not that important, and neither are they.

[prog]

Wow. Mind if I use your words? I've never heard it stated better.

[QuietAmerican]

Mr. Rosenfeld, I'm glad to see your comments on this subject, as I feel like I might be one of the few people on earth to have developed a resistance to all things "social networking/cell phone-ish."

I didn't always have this aversion -- at first, I loved the then-new marvel of IM'ing. Then I found myself immediately "exiting" my IM when I would log onto my computer before any of my "Buddies" could see me. I found that when I was logging on a "Buddy" would "beep" me, and if I didn't answer, I'd get a phone call (or two) asking why I didn't reply to the IM. There was never any consciousness on their part that maybe I had something else in mind to do at that moment. When I would reply asking if I could get back to them, often it seemed that there were hurt feelings on their part.

As for cell phones, I finally gave in and got one specifically for those "Where are you?," "Where are *you*" situations. :) Otherwise, I keep it turned off. I guess I really do have the "I want to be alone" syndrome, but I also have come to the conclusion that being wired vs. not being wired is a generational thing. I'm glad, though, to have grown up in the age of not having people on all sides of me constantly yakking into their phones