My inbox is an archival storage area of all the ridiculous purchases I've made in my life.
I used to order the Sunday paper so I could get my paws on the advertisement section with all the latest crap just waiting for my hard-earned cash. I'm a sucker for coupons promising things like, 'Buy 27 and GET ONE FREE.' However, newspapers are now a thing of the past, and I've realized that I basically still do the same thing every time I check my email.
I am taunted with things I want and know I shouldn't buy:
1. Expensive Perfume Company: Thank you for sending me an email letting me know that your man perfume now features a 'woodier fragrance.' I wish I could hit 'reply' to let you know that I've made very few purchases from you. Most memorable was the purchase I made while walking off a martini I drank at a restaurant near your cosmetics counter and thought in the moment that $55.00 was suitable to spend on a powder compact. I think it was more the fact that your saleswoman had flawless skin and my intoxicated hopes were verging on psychosis when I believed that if I purchased the compact, my skin would possibly mirror hers. I will hop right on over to buy the new 'woodier' cologne.... right after I purchase my Birkin bag.
2. Discount Travel Company: Listen up! Stop sending me your emails and stop pretending that I am some globe-trotting jet setter. I purchased tickets from your site because I'm broke and you offer the best deals. I don't need a 'last minute trip to China.' Well, let me rephrase that: Yes, I'd love a 'last minute trip to China.' No, I cannot afford a 'last minute trip to China.'
3. Mini-Me Clothing Store: I am onto you! You've got me hooked in this never-ending 'Rewards Bucks' program where you make me feel as if I have a bunch of 'extra cash' to use in your store at the mall. Really, I've noticed that you have a sale every third hour, and the only time you don't have one is when I am actually able to use those pesky little 'Reward Bucks.' While I do adore your selection of children's clothing, I cannot afford to buy a dress at $24.99 on Tuesday and then the matching shoes on Wednesday because it's 'Buy One Shoe, Get the Other Shoe for Free Day.'
4. Organic Cleaning Supply Company: Honestly, I really think you're great. Your cleaning supplies are extremely overpriced, but they are also sans chemicals, and I am all about products that don't slowly poison my family. However, at this juncture, I've accumulated about four months' worth of cleaning supplies. Also noteworthy: you've apparently been charging my credit card for these deliveries. The boxes are quickly starting to stack higher in my garage while my bank account dwindles lower.
5. Discounted Children's Online Shop: You really do offer some incredible sales. However, your products take about three years to arrive, and by the time I do receive them, my daughter no longer wears that size. I'd really like to be a loyal shopper, but let's be honest: The winter boots I ordered in October that arrived in July aren't working out for me or for my kid. She's the only child at the beach wearing winter boots with her swimsuit.
6. Toy Store: Every time I see an email from you, smoke begins to steam out my ears. My first thought is how spoiled my child is because she has every Barbie on your site. Furthermore, your emails are a painful reminder of the millions of Barbie shoes I've stepped on/vacuumed up. My child is good on the toys... probably for life.
7. Preppy Mom Catalog: Sorry, in my eyes you only sell school uniforms. I see you trying to lure me with your 'mom clothes,' but I just don't feel I'm at an age nor a point in my life where I'm ready to switch over to a wardrobe that's only featured in a catalog. Hit me up in a few years when I can no longer squeeze my ass into a 'Large' in Target's Junior's Department. It should happen sooner rather than later...
8. Yoga Pants R' Us: Sorry, I am a sham. I do not participate in yoga, nor Pilates. I am not in the least bit active and really have no use for yoga pants. The things is, your pants give the illusion that I am active while also providing an abundance of comfort. However, I can only afford to purchase your 'yoga pants' during your summer sale. No matter the status of my bank account, I will never, ever, spend $98 on a pair of yoga pants. Not even if I became a yoga master that owned a yoga studio, had a yoga body, and who needed yoga pants. It wont happen.
9. High End Department Stores: Sorry to lump you all in the same category, but I have abused you all equally. I really wanted a pair of Tory Burch flip-flops over the summer and realized that if I signed up for your newsletter, I would receive a 10% off coupon. You three just so happened to be having sales at the same time. Yes, I now own three pairs of the same sandals in different colors. Sorry, I really cannot afford your $400 blouse or anything on your site, really. You do have some nice stuff, though. I promise to think of you in my dreams where I'm a billionaire who shops at your stores with an espresso in one hand and a black AMEX in the other. In other words, I'll see ya... never.
I am sorry to all the stores I've fooled with the lie that my bank account is large. It's actually quite the opposite, it's the smallest thing I've got... well, that and my boobs.
This post originally appeared on BLUNTmoms.com
Ashley Alteman is the writer behind SmashleyAshley.com where she details her laugh-out-loud parenting and personal fails. Ashley also writes for BLUNTmoms.com and can be found rambling about dinosaurs and her wild child, "Barb Marley", on Facebook.