Yes, it may seem obvious that he is a jerk. And, I know, she may makes Cruella de Vil look sweet. You could spend night and day complaining to anyone who will listen about how your ex is unfair, vicious, and lousy. And you might even be right. But guess what? It's you who will pay the price for working yourself into a lather. It's you who will feel the effects of the venom in your veins. And if you have children together, they will suffer from your badmouthing ways.
So how do you resist the temptation to hurl the insults? How do you refuse to take the bait that your ex dangles tantalizingly in front of you? Zip your lips! That's right, just like the old fashioned adage "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Use these tips to help you keep your lips firmly zipped.
Your children are ½ your ex: when you insult your ex, you're insulting your children. Even if your ex is a perennial disappointment, your children deep down love this person. And genetically, they resemble this person. So remember that if you tear down the ex, you are implicitly tearing down your children as well.
You once loved this person: it may seem incredulous, but there was a time when you actually wanted to spend the rest of your life with this person. Close your eyes and summon the feeling you had on your wedding day. See if you can connect with some sense of good will that existed at one time.
Redirect your emotion : Change the trajectory of your frustrated feelings and start focusing on what is going right in your life. Make a list of things for which you are grateful, including the smallest details of abundance (your health, friends, having electricity, good food, etc.). Gratitude always feels better than anger.
Badmouthing ultimately hurts you: Remember that lowering yourself to the level of a school yard bully is no way to go through life. The anger activates your body's stress response and wears you down. Being unkind, nasty, and spiteful has a way of backfiring. It's like holding a hot coal, ready to fling it at your enemy, only to discover that you're burning your own hand.
If your ex is badmouthing you, then they are suffering: If you're on the receiving end of being badmouthed, just know that your ex isn't doing so well. Even if you can't wish them some compassion, you can at least stop the spiral of negativity by refusing to play dirty.
Difficult circumstances can be your teacher: If you choose, you can let your divorce (and even your ex) teach you about patience, about being your best self, about resilience, and about love. Yes, about love. Love yourself and your children enough to stay out of the fighting ring.
If you do resort to badmouthing, you can stop: If you find yourself slipping with an insult, say the words "Cancel that" and try again. Substitute other words like, "My ex is frequently challenging for me." Relapses are normal but don't use that as an excuse for all out war. Get back on the wagon as quickly as you can.
Remember that when you badmouth your ex you keep your energy hooked to that old, negative relationship. Instead, keep the flashlight of your attention on new growth, new patterns, and the new life waiting for you.
Follow Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW on Twitter: www.twitter.com/AshleyDavisBush
Why don't we try this instead. Allow the badmouthing for a period, accept that we are human, normal, and still good people. Lets stop feeling guilty or making someone feel guilty or bad about it. Allow this anger, as long as its not violent. But put a timeline on it. I can tell you that I called my ex every name in the book when I first found out about his affair. Would I take back those words now? Nope. Two years later, though I really still can't stand to look or speak to him, I have to admit that I've gone through the entire gamut of emotions, including love, loss, fear, regret, remorse, acceptance. And in the end, I can see that my anger is subsiding.
Now I just pity him. And let me tell you......this feels alot better. Maybe the expression of anger and a healthy dose of namecalling got me this far.
but truthfully, 1.5 yr in, i have grown a lot and gotten past some of the initial resentment as i am working to provide my own life and eventually the settlement will be a nice little bonus. i can truthfully tell my kids i did it all on my own and made sure that we were ok.
http//lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com
After all, if we don't go through the honest and painful part of looking inward and seeing our own part, then we don't heal and move on.
If so, then what am I supposed to say when people ask me why my ex never takes the kids?
"Did you see the Super Bowl?" (if you want to be polite)
or
"WHY DON'T YOU MIND YOUR OWN _____ BUSINESS" (if you want to be "true")
----
"Did she really kick you in the balls?"
Yep.
"Did she really close all the bank accounts and sell your car and give the money to her divorce lawyer?"
Yep
"Did she... etc. etc. etc.?"
Uh huh.
Public record. Probably why I got custody.
I was divorced twice with three sons; the first thing I decided was that they deserved the best relationship and balanced life with their father that I could give them. It involved a lot of forgiving because dads weren't great at paying child support, but I decided that money wasn't the #1 thing. I didn't play the blame game even though the first hubby liked 17 year olds and the second was trying to avoid the gay; those were my bad judgements.
I had my attorney draw up legal documents giving the grandparents the same rights as the fathers. When the grandparents wanted to see the boys, I paid half of the costs to get them there and back as I did for dads, often driving across states because I couldn't afford airfare. Unless I had specific plans or the kids didn't want to go, their requests were granted.
What did I get out of all this? I've got three of the most fun, well-balanced and successful men you could ask for as sons. I got nothing but respect and admiration from my sons for what I tried to do for them, as well as appreciation once they were old enough to figure out what went wrong in the marriages.
I didn't have the bitterness/angst of divorce like my friends did, I managed to put it behind me much easier when I didn't constantly verbalize my 'ill-use'.
Christia Sale
The Most SELFISH Woman in America!
PS: For those divorced women that are "between men" this Valentine's Day, check this out! It's free! http://www.themostselfishwomaninamerica.com/valentines-day-teleseminar/
Your kids will always love and respect you more for your attitudes.
Angry posters who use the deplorable behavior of an ex to cast aspersions on the entire opposite sex.
Bitter posters who use their divorce or disdain for commitment to pronounce the obsolescence of marriage.
Condescending posters who regurgitate trite suggestions to plug a book or blog.
Its those that have been posting for five, ten, fifteen years about their divorce and are still angry bitter and hurt that need to try something different.
I wish my divorcing spouse the best -- in her independence of me.
She claimed to have wanted "revenge" for some apparent slights to her from years ago. She got it. She filed for and pursued the divorce in a manner that was deceptive and in a destructive manner that hurt me personally and professionally. She has defamed/disparaged me to anyone who would listen.
She's taken her pound of flesh from me.
I am reduced.
She is enriched. Despite never contributing any income during the marriage, she leaves the marriage with substantial personal wealth -- beyond what she ever would have had without her relatively short marriage to me. (I agreed to that outcome without objection.)
She is healthy; she is employable.
We share equal custody/placement of our daughters.
She received "custody" of all friends.
Now I'd like her attention to go elsewhere -- somewhere productive -- and for me and our daughters to be spared hearing how bad a parent/person she thinks I am.
I don't want to deal with her any more. And I don't want our daughters to experience "bitter divorced mom" for the next few decades. It is unhealthy.
Where is the "release button" in this failed contraption called a marriage?