The Moral of My Abortion Story

Ten years ago, I had an abortion.

Once I found out I was pregnant, it took me quite awhile to even consider abortion, and then a lot of contemplation to finally decide to have one -- and most important, go through with one. It wasn't easy and it was definitely emotional. Ten years later, I'm still reflecting on the meaning of that abortion in my life and what it means for my own morality. It's a rich part of my abortion experience.

It's a shame, then, that so many pro-choice people want to shut down any conversation about abortion's morality, or ethics, because when they do, they shut down women.

In her recent article on Salon, longtime pro-choice leader Frances Kissling asked, "Can we ever say a woman can't choose?" She brought up "whether it makes sense for the pro-choice movement to deal publicly with the ethical issues as well as the legal issues surrounding abortion." You can imagine the result. Some of the loudest voices were pro-choice people who demanded that Frances get her "ethical high horse out of my uterus" or to "mind her own business." They proclaimed that "I, and I alone" should determine what to do.

Alone. They got one thing right. That's how I felt after my abortion. Alone. Being left alone so that others could mind their own business was the exact opposite of what I wanted. What I wanted was for someone to care, to listen, and to support me.

This is what many women want after an abortion. I am, in fact, not alone.

I know now that after an abortion, many women want somewhere to turn, a place they can talk and be heard. Since 2002, the organization I founded and now lead, Exhale, has provided women and men with a nonjudgmental place to call for emotional support after an abortion: our national, multilingual, talkline. People call us to share their stories and feelings. They call with hope. Hope that they will find comfort by talking to someone who cares, and by being seen and heard for who they are. Many reflect on their own morality. We always affirm their personal capacity to be well and feel whole.

The pro-choice commentators on Salon were right about this: Women do make their own ethical decisions about abortion. The problem is, no one will know how or why, or what the lasting significance is in a woman's life, if conversations are shut down instead of fostered. If the "my way or the highway" base successfully imposes its litmus test on pro-choice leaders, and if there are no new voices like Frances Kissling willing to lead these conversations publicly, then the pro-choice movement has ceased to lead. Shouting down the moral, ethical, emotional, and experiential questions that people have around abortion -- including those held by the women who have had them -- will not make them go away.

Exhale understands this. Over the past seven years, our work has grown from its focus on one-on-one direct emotional support to women and men after an abortion to a broader vision for growing a public discussion around abortion that is based in real, lived experiences. Exhale believes that abortion, like every issue where human dignity is at stake, requires us to listen to the voices, needs, and experiences of those who have lived through this issue in order to find new solutions. We want to hear more about what people have to say. We are always listening.

We are pro-voice. Ours is not a legal position on abortion, but a human stand alongside every woman who has had one. We live in the gray area of human experience. While a woman's right to have an abortion can be important to her story, we know it is not the full story, nor her only need. Most important, we know that it is our job to open up new conversations and create more opportunities for women and men to tell us about their lives, including their morals and their ethics. We will not shut them down and force them into isolation until they are invisible. They matter. Their well-being is all of our business.

That is the moral of my abortion story.

Follow Aspen Baker on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Aspenbaker

Comments

[Grayson Dempsey]

I agree that no woman should go through an abortion alone, and I know that many women struggle with their own ethical questions around these decisions, questions which often make us uncomfortable when discussed in the public sphere. Thank you for underscoring this important point.

I think you are missing, however, the inherently offensive point that Kissling made in her essay. Kissling brushed women with a broad stroke by showcasing the seemingly most frivolous examples: women having abortions because of the wrong zodiac sign, or because of a desire for one gender or another. In this way she sounded much like the anti-abortion movement who for years has made women out to seem thoughtless and in need of paternalistic political regulation. Like many of those who responded to her, I felt that what she was saying was that we, as a movement and as providers, have a responsibility to somehow call these women out and legislate their decisions in the name of "honesty" and protection of the fetus. I was disappointed that Kissling would take such an anti-woman stand and miss the chance to acknowledge the complexity of the abortion decision. And while I agree with many points of your response, I think letting Kissling off the hook for this and lambasting the pro-choice movement for "not getting it" is misguided and overlooks the work of many of us who are proudly pro-choice and have always promoted the message of trusting - and supporting - women.

[oaklandmommy]

I agree with JosT and Lon. I don't think Frances was attacked for wanting to discuss ethical questions around abortion, but for suggesting that we use policies to answer those questions - for everyone.

It's one thing to draw a gestational 'line in the sand' and say no woman can have an abortion after a certain point unless her life or health is endangered, and it's another to say that some reasons for having an abortion are acceptable and some are not. It's the proverbial slippery slope - who decides which reasons are OK and which aren't? If a majority thinks it's acceptable to abort a disabled fetus or a female fetus, does that make it OK? If the pregnant woman can't make the ultimate decision about her pregnancy, who will?

Abortions for sex selection or fetal disability are a symptom of a societal issue, and trying to suppress those abortions will not make the underlying issue go away. It won't challenge the prevailing attitudes about women or people with disabilities, and it won't foster a dialogue about diversity or personal moral values. In reality, policies like this just lead women to lie about why they want an abortion.

I would argue that we need a lot more honest thoughtful dialogue and a lot less political interference around decision-making and access to abortion, adoption, and parenting. Expanding the debate and fighting isolation around abortion doesn't require using policy to impose certain beliefs on everyone. In fact, it requires just the

[Lon]

Kisseling piece was certainly within the realm of reasonable discussion, so it would be a shame if the criticism really was that she should not talk about ethics at all. But at the same time there are serious problems with her article which deserve to be criticized.

The most notable thing was the odd lack of context in her article. She talked as if when Planned Parenthood turned a woman aside she could just go to a different abortion provider. It is odd for the former head of PP to not acknowledge that Planned Parenthood is in the position that in many cases if it turns away women it effectively takes their choice away.

It is also odd to ignore that currently there are debates going on about conscience clauses which are intended to take away women's choices in more general cases.

It makes a big difference when things are said and how. If a woman calls Exhale and is told that her choice to have an abortion was immoral she would have a right to feel betrayed. In other contexts it is worthwhile acknowledging that the fact that it is a woman's choice does not mean that it could not be an immoral choice. It just means that nobody else should make the choice for her. In some cases Kisseling's policy would take that choice away. That's troubling. And the fact that it would have that consequence should have been made clear in the argument.

[JosT]

Aspen, while you and Frances Kissling both advocate allowing space for discussions of morality and ethics in the abortion debate, you do so in radically different ways. Kissling centers the moral and ethical concerns of health care workers and some nebulous "us" who accept as facts and cultural norms arguments about the rights of the fetus that have been pushed forward by the anti-choice movement and who apparently are not willing to take barriers to access like class and geography into account. She calls for imposing morals and ethics onto women's bodies instead of consciousness raising projects about gender selection and physical ability that would trust women to make their own informed decisions.

While I find Kissling's piece incredibly paternalistic, your words center the moral and ethical considerations of women who have had or may have abortions. These are the people most impacted by the decision whether or not to carry a pregnancy to term, and it is their beliefs and needs that should be most respected in the process of choosing to have an abortion and after the procedure has taken place.

I am grateful for and appreciate your work taking a very hurtful argument that shows no respect for the intelligence and beliefs of women seeking abortions and re-framing it as a powerful call to respect every aspect of a woman's process and to give her the support she needs.

[lml37]

I agree with cleveland chick that it is important to understand why many in the pro-choice movement, especially those who experienced life before abortion was legal, are reluctant to discuss the moral and emotional side of abortion, and yes, many women see this as a private matter.

And as you point out, at that time domestic violence was also silenced. We now know in order to address domestic violence we need to bring it out into the light. Aspen is not forcing anyone to go outside their comfort zone, yet her work brings to light the complications of the subject without politicizing a personal decision. Pro-choicers can advance the movement by including in those "choices", the opportunity to not be isolated, to decrease the stigma attached to abortion, and to be supported in both public and private spaces.

[JenniferRudy]

Thank you for your article and presentation of the pro-voice framework. Non-judgmental pace for women to share, should they want to, about there own experience is critical.

[HarmonyAlexandria]

I agree that girls/women who have had abortions need people to talk to, but there is a huge difference between talking to a person of your choosing, and airing your laundry in public.

My fear is that a pubic discourse will cause people to reflect back on their decisions, raising uncertainty, doubt and worse of all guilt. I have doubts about the advice/support I gave sometime. If it's sucky for me, it's gotta be super sucky for those who have gotten abortions.

I can picture the anti-choice advocates now gleefully going out and finding as many people as they possibly can who support their position and using them as campaign fodder.

[KFG]

Harmony,

I understand your fear...that public discourse will rekindle doubts and guilt in some and feed the anti-choice campaign.

However, I think just the opposite is true. If the only people who listen to women's feelings about abortion are the anti-choice folks, then people with doubts and guilt will be attracted to that group. People need to be heard and understood, and see their strength reflected in their listener. Feeling conflicted or guilty is only one side of a difficult decision, so it's important that we pro-choicers have the courage to hear all emotional sides of women's experiences. Otherwise we cast them to the anit-choice camp.

Karen

[clevelandchick]

I think the fear pro-choice women have in using abortion stories publicly are two-fold. First, the fear that women will be targeted by some crazy people out there and second that their stories will be used to justify making it illegal.

Aspen, at your age you may not understand what it was like for women when abortion was illegal. When women did not have a choice. Women died, were butchered or made infertile from back-alley procedures. That was also time when women had very little in the way social or cultural power. Women couldn't get a credit card let alone a decent paying job. Domestic violence was a dirty secret nobody talked about. No way would a husband ever be arrested for raping or beating his wife.

You can't just blame the pro-choice crowd for being stubborn without understanding history. And this is the second post you have written blaming that side. At least try to see why some pro-choicers are uncomfortable with debating the morality which is in it's nature highly subjective.

Finally some women really would prefer to keep their private life private. These are decisions generally made between a woman, her doctor, and/or her spouse/significant other. I think it's great you provide an open forum for women to discuss their feelings over their abortion but just understand a lot of women would prefer not to air their lives in that way.

[mikkipedia]

While I understand the urgency that my fellow pro-choicers feel about protecting a woman's right to choose, ignoring the full reality of women's experiences surrounding abortion serves no one. One can feel sad about a decision and still know that it was the right one, and still be thankful to live in a country that supports women having control over their own bodies.

Aspen, you continue to carve out a space for meaningful discussion on this intimate topic, amid so much heated rhetoric. Thank you.

[sunnybunny]

"While I understand the urgency that my fellow pro-choicers feel about protecting a woman's right to choose, ignoring the full reality of women's experiences surrounding abortion serves no one. One can feel sad about a decision and still know that it was the right one, and still be thankful to live in a country that supports women having control over their own bodies." You said that so perfectly.

[JulieDavidsonGomez]

Thank you for sharing your experience, as well as Exhale's reframe on Pro-Voice and the well-being of every woman and man who has experienced abortion. Your statement so eloquently captures the essence of our challenge: "Shouting down the moral, ethical, emotional, and experiential questions that people have around abortion -- including those held by the women who have had them -- will not make them go away." May our ears and hearts be opened to the diversity of voices and experiences, so that true transformation can occur in this contentious abortion debate.