THE BLOG

The Internet Exists to Offend You

03/10/2015 03:08 pm ET | Updated May 10, 2015
Compassionate Eye Foundation/Paul Bradbury/OJO Images Ltd via Getty Images

Dear Internet User,

Yes, I am writing to you specifically. In case you're not aware, everything online exists for the sole purpose of offending you. But that's not all -- we need to immediately know how everything makes you feel. So long as you remember you're the center of the universe, you can choose from the following responses:

"OMG that's so sexist"

This is a response you can use anytime someone who's not your gender looks like they're having more fun than you. There's a blog conference that appeals largely to women? THAT IS SO SEXIST. How dare a bunch of females get together and hang out without inviting the men. Let's not stop to think about the definition of sexism -- behavior, conditions or attitudes that foster stereotypes of social roles based on sex -- or the fact that men actually ARE allowed to attend these conferences. Because that would require use of your brain and that is not at all something you should do while on the Internet.

"I'll never be one of the cool kids"

Did someone hang out without you? BITCHES. The best thing to do when you see two people post a selfie is to immediately turn your thoughts inward and try to figure out why they didn't invite you to be in it. Don't think reasonably like "I live 500 miles away from them" or "I've never contacted them to meet for coffee," just go ahead and think about how rude it is that people out there make plans for their life that don't take your self-esteem into account.

"You are everything that's wrong with ______."

This response should be almost solely reserved for those women out there who like to think of themselves as Mothers. Ha! As though they deserve that title... have you seen the car seats they use? Have you SEEN their Facebook statuses that include use of THE F WORD? That is not a mother. A mother does not have time for Facebook unless she is sharing her latest Pinterest masterpiece while crowdsourcing ideas on how to cut a hummus and kale sandwich into the shape of a beloved Disney Princess. If you've created or acquired a child, your life is now completely beholden to them. Stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about how to impress the rest of us.

"I'll never have what you have, I may as well stop trying"

There is nothing worse than having other people's success rubbed in your face. Did you see that biatch post a photo of her immaculate backyard? I bet she has an unhappy marriage. At least you have an okay marriage 'cause you sure as shit won't ever be able to pull off that calibre of landscaping. And that chick who went viral and has a book deal? She's probably banging someone at Random House, and you're too principled to ever do that, so you're never going to traditionally publish and should give up now. At least while you loathe her for her success you can comfort yourself with the knowledge that your moral superiority is vast.

"I believe differently, therefore you are wrong and probably evil"

Did you know there are people out there who think it's okay to tell their kids that sometimes men love other men? Kids aren't supposed to know anything about how the real world works! It's all supposed to be a confusing surprise when they get there. Did you know that some people don't live in America and are totally fine with that? I know. It's hard to wrap your mind around, but there's actual places in the world that aren't festering wastelands of people just praying to sneak across our borders. I'll stop now because displaying an open mind is un-patriotic.

Thank you so much for participating in the online community. Never forget that the Internet relies on you to share these totally legitimate feelings, because otherwise there would be far too little awkwardness when a woman posts a photo of her adorable infant and a bunch of people comment below: "Wow, wish I could have kids" and "Omg I can't believe you're not swaddling her in grass fed wool from the fair-trade islands of Quinoa" and "Thanks for not inviting me to witness the birth, guess I was wrong about our friendship."