Last night, while watching Survivor, I felt I was looking in a mirror.
I had this same experience last season, too.
Meanwhile, I would be shocked if it didn't happen to me in a future season, as well.
And, no, I don't say this simply because I was once on the show and now, watching it years later, I find myself reliving the past.
Instead, I am referring to the dizzying display of naiveté shown last night by Brandon Hantz (nephew of famous Survivor villain Russell Hantz).
Last night, Hantz suffered a veritable mental and emotional breakdown. Which is fine; having played the game before, I know firsthand how mentally and emotionally draining the contest can be. But this is not what makes me relate to young Hantz; rather, I relate to him because of why he suffered this breakdown:
His faith.
Granted, Hantz didn't come out and put it this way -- in other words, he didn't say, "Hey, camera, catch this: I am about to have a breakdown because I am conflicted over my faith" -- but, let's face it, that's what it boiled down to.
Ultimately, he broke down (and made himself look like a fool) because (a) he didn't want to look like a liar, and (b) he wanted a pretty girl voted off the island just because she was pretty.
I know the blogosphere is crucifying this young guy right now for his stupidity, but it wasn't stupidity that bred these stupid decisions; it was fear and guilt.
In other words, the young man fancies himself a Christian, and he is terrified over the idea of looking like a bad Christian on national TV.
Consequently, he is rendered virtually paralytic in terms of being able to play Survivor. More important, though, he is displaying tell-tale symptoms of one of the worst diseases within the Christian community: he is choosing perception over authenticity.
And as I mentioned above, I can completely relate.
When going on the show five years ago, as a Christian, I was mortified of potentially looking like a bad person. In my head, I knew that the show would be watched by millions of people in hundreds of countries, and I felt I was responsible for demonstrating to each one of them what a good Christian behaves like.
Which, even today, I still think, in theory, was a wonderful way of approaching the game. However, here's what I was too immature to realize at the time: in putting the pressure upon myself to constantly appear like a good Christian, I was removing Christ from the entire equation. Instead, I was making myself the savior.
This is what Hantz is wrestling with right now, and it's what Matt Elrod wrestled with last season, and it's what another young, genuinely intentioned young Christian will undoubtedly wrestle with in an upcoming season.
Like Hantz, I constantly kept clarifying comments and spilling secrets because I didn't want to appear a liar. Also, as my season was the first to implement a hidden immunity idol, I created the first fake idol in Survivor history, but then refused to play it because I was scared it might be perceived as duplicitous. Meanwhile, Elrod, who wowed us with a stunning display of physical, mental, and emotional strength on last season's Redemption Island, butchered what could have been the greatest underdog story in Survivor history by continually announcing his plans to his enemies lest he be considered a liar.
All of these moves on each our parts were ridiculous, and we all did these ridiculous things in the name of faith. Our motivation was simple: we didn't want to appear ungodly.
Now, please don't misunderstand, I'm not taking issue with the genuineness of my or Hantz's or Elrod's belief itself.
Rather, it's the compulsion to flaunt that belief that is the problem.
Because when you approach a situation thinking, "If I say this, or do this, or don't say this, or don't do this, I may look like a bad Christian," then you aren't really doing or saying it for Christ; instead, you are doing or saying it for your own self-image.
I'm often asked what I would do differently if I were given the opportunity to play the game again, and my answer is that I'd be more focused on being myself than on worrying about how I might be perceived. The difference is, unlike before, I now know "myself" is a good guy and is a good Christian, and it would be nice to play the game confident enough in this conviction that I didn't feel I had to do anything to prove it.
Dostoevsky writes about this very conflict in The Brothers Karamazov. In it, a character speaking to the venerable Father Zossima says of her conflict between being a good person and wanting to be perceived as a good person:
"I came with horror to the conclusion that, if anything could dissipate my love to humanity, it would be ingratitude. In short, I am a hired servant, I expect my payment at once -- that is, praise, and the repayment of love with love. Otherwise I am incapable of loving anyone."
This is what I wrestled with on Survivor, and this is what Hantz is now wrestling with, too: he's torn between wanting to be a good Christian while wanting more to be acknowledged for being a good Christian. Whether he realizes it yet or not, that's the case. He simply wants to prove to others that he is a good person.
This is a very natural battle for any person of faith to have to fight. In fact, if a person is willing to face it head on, it ultimately will strengthen his or her faith in the long run.
Unfortunately for Hantz, though, it is the kiss of death in the game of Survivor.
Follow Austin Carty on Twitter: www.twitter.com/austincarty
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aren't you sort of putting yourself in an impossible situation unless you are totally committed to NOT winning? I mean, I thought lies cheating and betrayal were the whole dang point of the show Just sayin.... maybe it's changed since I last watched it gag/retch/vomit
IMO this is not a faith issue - this is a mental issue.
Meanwhile, seeing as Parvati is one of my good friends, I wholeheartedly agree that he's 100% offbase with his condemnation of her and Mikayla for their "meretricious" ways :)
The only reason I suggested Christian faith in the case of Brandon is because he has chosen "being a person of strong Christian faith" as the perception he wants people to have of him.
Being on camera for 24 hours a day in front of millions of people exponentially heightens one's fear of being perceived as something other than what he wishes to convey, so consequently, he accordingly heightens his awareness of and maintenance of his image management.
My point is your point: it is a natural tendancy for certain people-- like me, and from what you told me, you, as well-- to want to appear "good," and that tendancy makes being on Survivor difficult because you want people to perceive you in a certain way.
Hm, sounds pretty much like every Christian in existence.
Isn't the whole point of being a "Christian" that you get to quote random lines in a book written thousands of years ago to justify doing pretty much any nasty, mean, vindictive thing you can?
Deny it all you want, I've never met a Christian who wouldn't use the bible as an excuse to backstab you if it serves their purpose.
Please bring back Talullah Morehead's Survivor column. She is brilliant, if sometimes offensive. She is hilarious and actually the only reason I come to your site.
Austin, thanks for explaining how Christianity can get in the way. Honestly, I think Brandon's misogyny is as much of the problem as his Christianity. If he respected women as people, and admitted to himself that his problem is his attraction to her, not what he sees as her insidious flirtation (which no one else seems to notice), he would be focusing his frustration on himself, not targeting Mikayla with it.
On the other hand, a misogynist who believes his faith endorses his anti-woman stance is a reckless, and generally un-Christ-like person, in my experience.
Again, Huffington: get Talullah back. Pay her double.
Oh, and I agree: Talullah is tops!
Interesting. Is this a spoiler blog? Survivor airs on Wednesday nights.
"In other words, the young man fancies himself a Christian, and he is terrified over the idea of looking like a bad Christian on national TV."
LOL! So far, he's doing a good job of looking self-righteous and hypocritical. It's unclear to me if that makes him a good xian or a bad xian, but it does make him a typical xian.
Regarding the good or bad Xian quip, sadly, you're right: many Christians-- certainly myself included-- have done a bang up job of misrepresenting our faith; we've done a great job of talking about faith while meanwhile making it all about ourselves.
Have many of us been-- and continue to be-- hypocritical and self-righteous? Absolutely. I promise there are lots of us out there trying to change that about ourselves, though. (And that idea of self-righteousness vs. authenticity was ultimately what I was hoping to speak to in my piece)
The whole point of having an ancient book that contradicts itself and is filled with archaic rules that they can cherry pick is to give themselves carte blanche to do pretty much anything to anyone and shrug it off as "what god wants."
So following that, he's a very good Christian that he's able to find some personal "get out of accountability free" card in being a spinless misogynist.