Carl Sandler

Ask MISTER CARL: 'My Boyfriend Can't Top Me! Is Our Relationship Doomed?'

2013-06-10T11:37:34-04:00

Welcome to "Ask MISTER CARL." I'm Carl Sandler, the founder of the gay dating app MISTER and Daddyhunt.com and a relationship expert on The Morning Jolt on OutQ on Sirius XM Radio. In this new blog series I offer strategies and advice for anyone navigating the marvelous, messy and often fucked-up dilemmas we face in our quests for intimacy, both online and off.

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Dear MR. Carl,

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and have a very active sex life. I usually top him, but sometimes I'm in the mood to switch it up and have him top me (I'm vers). The problem is, he can't do it. Every time he tries, he can't finish the job. He feels bad about it, but says he's just a bona fide bottom. We've tried using toys and dildos, but it's just not the same for me -- I need a real dick! I really am in love with him and can even see myself marrying him someday, but the thought of going the rest of my life without being truly satisfied in bed leaves me with a lot of doubt. Is our relationship doomed to fail?

--Cursed Vers

If I were a therapist, I might tell you that sex is just one small piece of the greater relationship puzzle and encourage you to experiment in bed, introduce elements of surprise, and, if all else fails, learn to accept the fact that while your sex life may not always be fireworks, it can still be a rewarding and fulfilling component of your relationship

Luckily for you, I'm no therapist. The last thing I'm going to tell a wannabe bottom is to go without dick for the rest of your life. Sometimes, like the song goes, there ain't nothin' like the real thing, baby. In my opinion, it's likely you're two jock straps away from going out and getting what you need on the sly, behind your boyfriend's back. And that is usually a recipe for trouble, trouble, trouble. It's time for a dicktervention.

I have two suggestions for you to try on for size. The first is pharmaceutical assistance. Prescription drugs like Cialis and Viagra are great at keeping drowsy dicks awake, alert, and ready to roll and present minimal side effects to an otherwise healthy, red-blooded male. If your boyfriend is open to this approach, have him talk to his doctor to see about getting a prescription. If all goes as planned, he might just find the extra kick he needs to keep his man satisfied.

The second option is to experiment with opening up your relationship to include an occasional romp with a hot stallion who can stampede both your asses. You might be thinking this is really bad advice, and it might not be right for you, but I know plenty of couples who have enjoyed bringing a buddy (or two) into their bedroom without ruining their relationship. Of course, communication between you and your boyfriend will be key, and there is a possibility it could raise a whole host of other issues (jealousy, STDs, etc.), but I believe it's better to experiment than to break up for fear of trying.

From my perspective, one of the great advantages of gay relationships is that we aren't tied to conventions and have more flexibility to create relationships that come from our own needs. You need dick. Your boyfriend is either unwilling or unable to give it to you. That sucks, but it's not the end of the world. Embrace your inner bottom, embrace your boyfriend, and maybe, just maybe, you crazy kids can make it work.

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Dear MR. Carl,

Last summer, my partner of 12 years announced that he wanted to split up. I was heartbroken, but we agreed we would continue to live together, since selling our house right now would mean taking a huge financial hit. Almost a year later, I'm having a hard time making the adjustment from lover to roommate. I still pay the majority of expenses, and even though we had an open relationship, it upsets me to see him go on actual dates with other guys. Am I a fool for holding onto hope that we'll eventually get back together?

--The Not-So-Gay Gay Divorcee

Dear NSGGD,

Have you ever seen The War of the Roses? The estranged couple in that film attempts to continue living together after breaking up, and they end up swinging from the chandeliers. Unfortunately, it isn't in the throes of passion. They're holding on for dear life.

Honestly, it sounds to me like you already know the answer to your question. Otherwise, you wouldn't have written me for advice in the first place. But love is sometimes the greatest of charlatans that can muffle our inner voice of reason, cast a shadow over our natural instinct of self-preservation, and turn otherwise sensible adults into irrational, confused children. It's time to grow up and make some uncomfortable changes in your life.

Your first step is to let go of the fantasy of you and your ex becoming boyfriends again and focus on becoming great roommates instead, ones who share the expenses equally, are discreet about their liaisons, and don't obsess over each other's private lives. If this isn't possible (and sometimes we just can't make the shift from lovers to friends), then I'd encourage you to find a different avenue out of your housing dilemma. You can sell the house and eat the loss, one of you can buy the other out, or (this is probably your best bet) you can rent it to a third party until the market improves.

There are many ways out of this situation, but I suspect the reason you don't see them is because you prefer to be stuck with your ex, even though he's clearly moved on. That doesn't sound growthful to me. Also, the fact that you were "surprised" by his decision to end the relationship after 12 years is disconcerting. Either your partner is great at hiding his true feelings or someone didn't want to confront the truth staring him in his face. In the future you may consider learning new skills for talking with your partner early and often about the relationship or learn to choose partners who are better communicators. Either way, after you find a new place to live, it might be time to search for some other real estate as well -- on a professional therapist's couch.

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Next time: "My boyfriend's parents loved me -- until they caught me going down on him in their house!" Have a question for me? Send it to AskMrCarl@misterapp.com.

The Dark Side of Gay Dating Apps

2013-05-10T08:00:00-04:00

Click here to read an original op-ed from the TED speaker who inspired this post and watch the TEDTalk below.

Fashion model and "genetic lottery winner" Cameron Russell's TEDTalk presentation was a thought-provoking account of how the fashion world manipulates and manufactures unobtainable -- and ultimately damaging -- images of beauty to women.

It left me thinking, Man, you heteros have it easy.

You see, something similar has been happening to gay men, but with a twist. In our world, it's not just models who are expected to rip off their clothes and expose themselves to the gaze of everyone within eyeshot. It's all of us -- even those of us who are, well, not quite lottery winners.

And we don't rely on a phalanx of professional image-makers. My gay brethren have perfected the art of self-portraiture in bathrooms across America. In these tiled photo studios, we play the role of stylist, model, photographer, and retoucher. The "shoot" goes something like this: we stand in front of the mirror, lift our shirt, flex our pecs, suck in our gut, position the camera so that our faces aren't in the frame, and start snapping.

Where do these faceless pictures end up? Not on the pages of a glitzy fashion magazine. Instead, when we're done pulling a Weiner (as in Anthony, D-NY!), these shots get uploaded to our Grindrs, Jack'ds, or any one of the other countless gay dating apps lurking in our smartphones. There, amid a sea of bite-sized photos, we lie in wait, hoping that someone will find our nipple or shoulder sufficiently tantalizing and strike up a conversation with us.

In full disclosure, I am the owner and founder of one of these geolocation-based dating apps: MISTER. MISTER and some of these apps are helping gay men take a major step forward in their journey to self-acceptance. They make it easier than ever for us to connect with one another. That's progress, especially for people living in parts of the world where being gay is considered a criminal act.

But there's also a flipside. While these powerful apps have brought us together in many meaningful ways, they're also perpetuating a culture rooted in unrealistic images of beauty. While gay culture has always been obsessed with good looks and youth (OK, and female vocalists too) it's now being refined by mobile apps that leave little space to celebrate our differences. We've reduced ourselves to products, and in the process, we're losing a bit of our humanity.

These apps are the first exposure many of today's youngest gay people have to gay culture. Implicitly, and more often explicitly, we tell the most vulnerable in our midst that in order to have currency in our community, you must fit a narrow, evanescent version of beauty. No washboard abs? No gym-perfected pecs? Not white enough? Sorry, you aren't welcome. Thank God these apps weren't around when I was a teenager, because I'm pretty sure my younger, more fragile self would have run right back into the closet.

Most of us realize the superficiality of it all, but we willingly take part in it anyway. Obsessively. Addictively. Trust me, I've seen the typical app usage statistics. Maybe we're just hopeless romantics, but a more likely explanation is that we're looking for a brief, fleeting feeling of validation. It's a powerful tonic for many of us who never had authentic validation growing up, when we were told that we should be ashamed of our attractions and feelings. This pain, stuffed down for years, has stayed with us, like the rotten core of an otherwise perfect apple.

As the owner of one of these apps, am I being hypocritical in my criticism of them? Perhaps. I'm the first to admit that I'm just as guilty of buying into the myth. I too desire validation -- although, at 41, I do know better. But I also truly believe that these apps have the ability to empower us, improve our lives, liberate us, connect us, and provide immense support and strength to those of us who need it.

When I created MISTER, I wanted to encourage a sense of community and responsibility among members. I encouraged users to show their faces instead of their headless torsos. MISTER users also agree to a code of conduct that basically says they aren't going to be douchebags to one another. Yeah, it's the little things that sometimes make the biggest difference. And you know what? Barely a day goes by without someone writing me and thanking me for creating a respect-oriented place that affirms the beauty of difference rather than squashing it.

So the next time you find yourself in that bathroom with the perfect lighting, think about the beauty myth Cameron talks about so eloquently. And maybe, just maybe, tilt that camera upward instead and show off not your anonymous torso but your face -- without filters and without shame.

Ideas are not set in stone. When exposed to thoughtful people, they morph and adapt into their most potent form. TEDWeekends will highlight some of today's most intriguing ideas and allow them to develop in real time through your voice! Tweet #TEDWeekends to share your perspective or email tedweekends@hufﬁngtonpost.com to learn about future weekend's ideas to contribute as a writer.

Ask MISTER CARL: 'What Do I Have to Do to Get a White Boy's Attention?'

2013-05-08T15:19:36-04:00

Welcome to "Ask MISTER CARL." I'm Carl Sandler, the founder of the gay dating app MISTER and Daddyhunt.com and a relationship expert on The Morning Jolt on OutQ on Sirius XM Radio. In this new blog series I offer strategies and advice for anyone navigating the marvelous, messy and often fucked-up dilemmas we face in our quests for intimacy, both online and off.

Dear MR. Carl,

I'm a smart, good-looking African-American guy looking for love online. I'm really into white guys, but none of them ever respond when I send them a message. I might as well be invisible! What do I have to do to get a white boy's attention?

--Wanna Be Down With the Swirl

Dear Wanna Be Down,

I'll be honest: I didn't want to answer this question. A white guy giving advice to a black guy on matters of sexual racism feels more awkward than a Birth of a Nation/Django Unchained double feature. But at the same time, I think good advice should be colorblind, so I'll give it my best shot.

First the bad news: As much as our community loves to wave rainbow flags and talk about equality, there's just as much sexual racism in the gay world as there is anywhere else. Sometimes it's overt ("no Asians!"), sometimes it's subtle ("no thugs, please") and sometimes, as it might be in your case, it's just unspoken. Does announcing your distaste for an entire group of people make you an asshole? Absolutely. But does not being attracted to certain physical features mean you're racist? Well, that's not so black-and-white.

The reality is that as much as you'd like to connect with a Caucasian cutie, there are some guys who just aren't interested in dipping their finger in your blackberry molasses. They also might not be into other white guys, or hairy guys, or guys who wear glasses. The possibilities are endless. Nevertheless, because your email says that none of the white boys you reach out to ever respond to you, I suspect that there are larger issues/problems at work here, and it may be worth examining other aspects of your own online dating strategy. You can't change the world overnight, but you can up your own game, usually just by putting a little more time and effort into your own online calling card.

Does your profile leave too much (or too little) to the imagination? Do your photos tell something about yourself that's more than skin-deep?

Remember, interracial romance exists (and is more common among gays than straights, in fact). There are plenty of white guys out there looking for a guy like you. Perfecting an online profile to attract the kind of person you want takes some work, but if you get it right, you're going to find out pretty quickly that white men can jump.

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Dear MR. Carl,

Last week while my boyfriend was at work, I used his computer to check my email and found something that I wish I hadn't. On his desktop was a folder with my name, Justin, on it. Of course I opened it, thinking it was going to be filled cute pictures of us. Instead, I found dozens of shirtless pictures of Justin Bieber! I know he's legal and everything, but there were definitely some in there from when he was under 18. Everyone always says that if you go snooping, you'd better be prepared for what you find, but it was totally innocent on my part! Should I be worried he's some kind of pseudo pedophile, or do you think he just has a thing for twinks?

--Can't Belieb This is Happening!

Dear Harriet the Spy,

Do you really believe there's a "totally innocent" way to go peeking around your boyfriend's computer? I don't, and I suspect you don't either. Tsk, tsk, Justin!

Let's get your big concern out of the way first. Fantasizing about pictures of the Biebs doesn't make your boyfriend a pedophile. It just means that he has bad taste in teenyboppers! Like, OMFG, there are so many way hotter teen idols out there. (Max George from The Wanted, I'm talking to you! Call me, maybe?)

It's no big secret that gay men and teenage girls have more in common than we'd sometimes care to admit (a big exception being that we'll totally go to third base on the first date). Clearly, your boyfriend is crushing hard on this doe-eyed sorcerer, but trust me, there are worse celebrities he could be into. I know. I lived through the '80s.

Next time: "We broke up a year ago, so why is he still living in my house?"

Have a question for me? Send it to AskMrCarl@misterapp.com.

Don't Drop the Soap: Gay Body Image and Dove's Latest Viral Video

2013-04-26T20:52:10-04:00

All-American soap manufacturer Dove is known for many things: its fresh, clean scent; keeping skin oh-so-soft (thanks, one-quarter moisturizing cream!), and, more recently, its marketing department's rather uncanny ability to sell millions of bars to women by talking frankly to them about their self-esteem issues and the hang-ups they have with their bodies. Now, with their latest viral video campaign, "Dove Real Beauty Sketches," they're set to sell millions more.

It's an unorthodox tactic, for sure, but of course, soap has always been about more than just keeping your bits clean. When I was growing up in suburban New Jersey, a bar of the stuff was most memorable for two things: washing out the mouths of foul-mouthed children, and serving as the punchline to an oft-told joke about what you should never, ever drop in the shower.

Yup. The ultimate fear of soap users everywhere. Don't drop the soap, because once you do, to paraphrase Avenue Q, "it would suck to be you." I'm joking, of course, but the message -- echoed every time I heard it, from my sleep-away summer camp to my elementary school's playground -- was clear: Being gay is thoroughly unclean. I laughed along with everyone else back then, but it wasn't until I grew up and discovered my sexuality that I realized just how much the joke wasn't funny.

What struck me most when I watched the Dove video was how much I related to the women featured in it, and how it gives us gay men an opportunity to talk about our own body issues. Like our straight counterparts, we live in a culture obsessed with beauty, youth and sexual desirability. But for many of us, these insecurities are even more acute, amplified by a constant stream of societal messages -- like that "hilarious" joke about dropping the soap! -- that tell us that we should feel ashamed about who we are.

It might be easy for the society at large to assume that gay men love the way they look. After all, so many of us go to the gym, follow the latest health crazes and scour the aisles of Sephora for the latest anti-aging potion in a bottle. What's so bad about that? Nothing, really -- on the surface. But when research shows that gay and bisexual men have significantly higher prevalence estimates of eating disorders than heterosexual men and are four times likelier to suffer from depression, it certainly makes you question whether our obsession with our bodies comes from a place of personal pride or from deep-rooted feelings of insecurity stemming from a lifetime of being told that we're limp-wristed sissies and anything but masculine.

This lingering shame manifests itself not only in how we treat ourselves but in how we treat each other, which might help explain why we often find it difficult to create a culture that's actually worth marching for. Online and off, I regularly see examples of gays behaving badly: putting each other down for everything under the sun, from the way we look ("Nice man boobs!") to our mannerisms ("Masc only!") to where we spend our summer vacations ("What do you mean you don't have a share in the Pines?") to the way we walk ("So swishy!") to using "bottom" as a four-letter word to things so ridiculously ridiculous that it's a miracle that some of us manage to have any friends at all. Then again, people who feel fundamentally flawed often lack the reserves to give much back to others.

Of course, it's not all "Sturm und Drang." I know many people who have managed, through hard work, love and patience, to work through this shame and arrive at a place of acceptance. Many gay men and women would even say that the shame of our upbringings not only unites us but can, over time, be a source of strength and basis for increased compassion. And I am optimistic about the future. Brave parents like my sister and brother-in-law are teaching their children early on that it's OK to love whom you love so that the next generation can grow up without shame around their sexuality. But it is ongoing work -- for all of us.

Just like the brave women in Dove's video who risked being vulnerable for millions of people to see, gay men need to find ways to acknowledge and talk about the shame and poor self-image that many of us have experienced. The key is to acknowledge the pain from the past and work toward reducing shame's power in the present. If you sometimes believe you're too fat, too skinny, too smooth, too hairy, too girly, too old, too busted or just too fucking much, know that you're not alone. With a little time and a lot of awareness (and the help of a professional, in some cases), it is possible to start washing away the negativity and insecurities we've been subjected to for so long and find inside ourselves the symbolic meaning of that little white bird on one of those bars of Dove soap: peace.

Ask MISTER CARL: 'My Boyfriend's Too Busy for Me!'

2013-03-14T12:28:08-04:00

Welcome to "Ask MISTER CARL." I'm Carl Sandler, the founder of the gay dating app MISTER and Daddyhunt.com and a relationship expert on The Morning Jolt on OutQ on Sirius XM Radio. In this new blog series I offer strategies and advice for anyone navigating the marvelous, messy and often fucked-up dilemmas we face in our quests for intimacy, both online and off.

*****

Dear Mr. Carl,

I've been dating my boyfriend for about five months. When we first met, we spent all our time together, but for the past few months, he's been spending more and more time helping his family take care of his mentally challenged cousin. Needless to say, it's put a huge strain on our relationship. We never go out anymore, and I can barely remember the last time we spent the night together. Whenever I try and tell him how I feel, he gets agitated and tells me I just need to deal with the situation. I understand that family is important, and I know his cousin needs him, but so do I. I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with it. Help!

-- What About Me?

Dear WAM,

It sounds like neither one of you feels particularly well-supported or understood by the other. You're finding it difficult to give your boyfriend the support he needs while taking care of his obligations, and he's unable to give you the kind of together time and intimacy you need. That's certainly a tough hurdle for any relationship, especially one that's new, but it's not an insurmountable one.

It sounds like there's still a lot of potential for growth and intimacy here, but in order to get your budding romance back on track, each of you will have to do two things simultaneously. The first is to try to fulfill each other's needs for time and space as best you can. You have to meet somewhere in the middle. The second is figure out ways to make the limited time you do have together richer and more meaningful. In other words, focus on quality time over quantity time.

Many people -- doctors, flight attendants, sex workers -- have demanding jobs or other obligations that leave them with little time for a personal life. These types of people require partners who can deal with their busy lifestyles and who are able to accept it as the price of admission (thank you, Dan Savage) for being with them. If you're finding that price to be too high, then your boyfriend may not be the best match for you. It doesn't make you a bad or uncaring person. It just makes you an honest one. Good luck!

*****

Dear Mr. Carl,

Three years ago, I ended my long-term relationship of 22 years after I found out my partner cheated on me. Now I am a middle-aged gay guy (51, to be exact) living in a big city where hookups -- not dates -- seem to be the norm. I have a great career, am in great shape, and while I'm no movie star, I'm certainly not ugly. Still, I can't get a date, and I'm starting to feel like nobody wants me. Let's be honest, 51 is like 76 in gay years! I don't like bars, but I do put myself out there. What am I doing wrong?

-- Oldie but Goodie

Dear OBG,

While some things -- multiple orgasms, for instance -- might be easier to accomplish when you're young, dating (nevermind building a successful, healthy relationship!) isn't one of them. Relationships and dating take work, no matter how old you are. The good news is that finding love at 51 is not only possible, it's happening every day. Guys your age are meeting and connecting with each other in all sorts of places -- the gym, online (hello, Daddyhunt.com!), and even the bar scene. Yet, to date right in 2013, you've got to be open to finding your future husband wherever he may be.

But before you start looking for that new love, I'd like to talk about your how you're dealing with the end of your previous one. Your letter makes it sound like perhaps you consider yourself a victim of your ex's infidelity. I don't mean to make light of what he did, but I'm sure you know that cheating is most often a symptom of a troubled relationship, not the cause of a failed one. At the end of the day, you're just as responsible as he is for your relationship's demise. The best thing you can do at this point is to learn from the experience, don't let it break you, and get back in the game.

On that note, let's get one thing clear: 51 is not like 76 in any years, unless you choose it to be. I know plenty of vibrant, sexy 51-year-olds (and 76-year-olds, for that matter) who are actively dating, in relationships, having amazing sex, and living their lives with the energy of guys half their age. The only thing stopping you from being one of those guys is you. No matter how old you are, optimism, self-confidence, and a youthful outlook on the future are what bring all the boys to the yard.

Next time: "Why can't I find a guy who wants to be down with the swirl?"

Have a question for me? Send it to AskMrCarl@misterapp.com.

Ask MISTER CARL: 'Can I Go to Jail for Not Disclosing My HIV Status?'

2013-02-12T21:18:00-05:00

Dear MISTER CARL,

I am an HIV-positive male who, thanks to medication, has had an undetectable viral load for more than a year. I recently read about a guy from Iowa who went to jail for not disclosing his status to his sex partner. Do I have to tell every guy I sleep with that I'm poz? What if it's just oral? I'm freaked out!

--Pozitively Terrified, 26, New York City

I don't blame you for being freaked out. HIV is enough of a burden without having to decipher poorly written laws that criminalize HIV-positive individuals for merely wanting to be sexual beings. HIV disclosure laws vary from state to state, with Iowa having arguably the strictest. To check the law in your state, visit www.hivlawandpolicy.org.

That being said, the chances of actually being taken to court over failing to disclose your positive status are pretty slim. (An estimated 250 cases have been tried since 1990.) And let's face it: You're going to have sex again, no matter what lawmakers say. You deserve to have pleasure -- guilt-free. But before you can truly enjoy basking in the hot and sweaty afterglow, you're going to have to do an honest examination of your personal ethics as an HIV-positive individual.

It's essential for you to develop a disclosure strategy that works with your values, the kind of sex and dating life you want to have and your own comfort level. You do this as much for yourself as for your partner(s). If you're brave enough to reveal your status to your partner from the get-go, or at least before sexy time begins, I applaud you. But if immediate disclosure isn't right for you, that's OK, too. Many HIV-positive guys I know develop different disclosure strategies for sex and for dating.

I can't tell you what the right strategy is for you. I can only tell you to be ready for lots of judgment from others for any decision that is anything short of full disclosure. You won't get that message from me, but having an undetectable viral load at the time of your last test is not the same as being HIV-negative. A widely reported study has suggested that HIV-positive men who have undetectable viral loads are "non-infectious" in many circumstances, but the risk, even if it's reduced greatly, is still there. And even a smaller risk doesn't relieve you of your ethical responsibility to not put an unwitting partner at risk, even one who might not be smart enough or brave enough to ask, or who simply assumes you're HIV-negative. With or without disclosure, you carry the burden of making sure that you don't engage in unsafe sexual practices and that HIV stops with you, to paraphrase a popular awareness campaign. Is it unfair and one-sided? Absolutely.

There are many gay people who will disagree with me. They'll say that both parties are responsible for ensuring that neither is put in danger; however, that doesn't take into consideration the fact that we are rarely equals in the bedroom. Sex is never just about sex. Experience, power, knowledge, intelligence, drugs, alcohol, love and many other issues come into play in the bedroom, which means partners are rarely, if ever, on equal playing fields. This is especially true when one partner knows and understands the tremendous emotional and physical burden of HIV in ways that a partner who is not HIV-positive just doesn't get if he is negative.

It's time for you to do some real soul searching, PT, to determine the type of life you want to lead, the impact you want to have on others and ultimately the legacy you want to leave behind. Remember, it's not just HIV-positive men who could benefit from a thoughtful evaluation of sexual ethics, disclosure and responsibility.

Next time: "Am I being selfish for wanting my boyfriend to take care of my needs over his family's?"

Have a question for me? Send it to AskMrCarl@misterapp.com.

Ask MISTER CARL: The Gay Advice Column That Always Gives It to You Straight

2013-01-22T15:47:00-05:00

Dear MISTER CARL,

My boyfriend and I have been in a monogamous relationship together for three years. Recently, I downloaded Grindr and created a profile. I've chatted and exchanged pics with guys but have never hooked up with anyone. My profile says "partnered" and I specifically say I'm just looking for friends. Last week, my boyfriend went snooping on my phone, even though it was well hidden, and read some of my conversations. Now he's pissed and says being on Grindr is "cheating." I say it's just fantasy. Who's right, and who's wrong?

--Un-app-ily in Love, 31, New York City

Who's right? Who's wrong? You are. He is. It all depends. For some people in committed relationships, apps like Grindr (or -- shameless plug alert! -- my app, MISTER) are harmless fun. For others it indicates that the unwritten or explicit rules of their relationship need to be revisited. Secrets can damage relationships just as profoundly as actions. I don't know why you felt the need to keep the app hidden, but my guess is that it's because you knew he wouldn't approve.

Forget about questioning who's right and who's wrong in this situation. Instead, sit down with your man and have an authentic tête-à-tête about the real reason you're sexting total strangers. Maybe you feel that your love life has gotten a little stale after three years together, and it makes you feel desirable again. Maybe you're a hopeless flirt. Maybe you really are just looking for friends. Whatever the reasons are, be open and honest about them, and work toward building his trust back. If he asks you to get off Grindr altogether, decide whether that's something you're willing to give up in order to keep him.

Then again, maybe he's upset because you didn't invite him to the party. Offer to help him create his own profile so that you can send your dirty dick pics to him rather than to that headless torso 1,000 feet away. Better yet, create a profile for the both of you together. You know what they say: Two's a party, and three's just a hell of a lot more fun.

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Dear MISTER CARL,

I'm in an unhappy relationship with my boyfriend of four years. A few weeks ago, I hooked up with one of his good friends, and now we're kind of secretly seeing each other. I know I need to break up with my boyfriend, but do I have to tell him I'm banging his buddy? It's not the reason that I'm breaking up with him. We've been having problems for a long time. I'd still like to be friends with him, but I know that'll be impossible if he finds out about this.

Bud Fucker, 32, Staten Island

Let me get this straight. You don't want to tell your boyfriend that you're sleeping with one of his friends, to protect his feelings? I have this magic bell next to my desk, and it rings whenever there is a too much bullshit in the room, and right now it's ringing so loudly that I can barely hear myself.

It seems to me that if you were that concerned about your boyfriend's feelings, you'd feel a little guiltier about following your heart (or rather your hard-on). It's pretty obvious that the reason you don't want to tell your boyfriend that you're sleeping with his best friend is that 1) you know there isn't a chance in hell that he'll want to remain friends with you after he finds out, and 2) you know you're kind of a jerk-off for doing it. But you're even more of a jerk-off if you're not going to be honest with him. Trust me: One way or another, he's going to find out about what's been going on behind his back. The best you can do is own up to your actions, be honest with him and salvage what you can of the relationship. Sure, you might be losing a boyfriend, but at least you'll be gaining an ounce of integrity.

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Next time: "Do I have to tell every guy I sleep with I'm HIV-positive?"

Have a question for me? Send it to AskMrCarl@misterapp.com.

Homo for the Holidays: An 8-Point Survival Guide

2012-12-21T21:25:00-05:00

If you're like millions of other Americans, there's a good chance you'll be spending at least part of the coming holiday week with your family of origin. And like many of those same Americans, you're already bracing yourself for the inevitable drama that will come along with it. Parent-child dynamics are complicated, to say the least. Throw in a pair of set-in-their-ways grandparents, an eccentric aunt, your stubborn uncle, a gaggle of distant cousins and your little sister's caveman of a boyfriend, and there's not enough spiked eggnog in the world that can relieve the aggravation, irritation and stress you're going to experience before it's all over.

But for many gay men and women, the pain and emotional stress resulting from all this family togetherness can be much more acute. For those of us fortunate enough to have parents and relatives who freely accept our lifestyles -- and our partners, if we're in a relationship -- and love us unconditionally, bravo! You can stop reading now. For many gay people, though, spending the holidays with their families is about as merry and bright as a lump of coal. Instead, it's an uncomfortable, nerve-wracking experience that means repressing their true selves to avoid conflict from disapproving family members, taking a step backward on the path to self-acceptance they fought so hard to forge, and -- at its most extreme -- forcing themselves to go back into the closet.

Coming from a fairly conservative and definitely claustrophobic family, I'm aware of these feelings all too well, and I've spent decades working on finding ways to spend time with my extended family and get to a place where I look forward to seeing and reconnecting with individual family members. While family visits are still far from perfect (and really, are any family relationships ever perfect?), they are more comfortable now than ever. Was it a Christmas miracle? Well, I'm Jewish, so no. But it did require a lot of hard work and taking taking several proactive steps -- some of which I'm sharing -- to get there and to allow my whole self (especially the gay parts) to shine as brightly as a menorah on the eighth night of Hanukkah. Here are a few tips to help you make it through the holidays without losing your cookies.

1. Find a wingman/woman. Chances are that there's going to be at least one family member whom you'll truly enjoy seeing and catching up with during your visit. For me, it's my baby sister, Danielle. Keep that person close! They are your partner in crime, joy and misery, and hopefully someone whom you can lean on if things get weird -- like when your grandmother starts bemoaning the fact that, in her day, "the word 'gay' meant 'happy,' and now it's anything but."

2. Avoid politics at all costs. Some people are capable of respectfully debating issues like gay rights or gun control without passing judgments or alienating others, but chances are that you're not related to any of them. If you're comfortable participating in the conversation, by all means do so, but tread lightly, and disengage if things get heated. Stay aloof, if possible, and simply express your disappointment or disagreement. This is family, not Facebook. Unfriending these people is usually not an option.

3. Pack a touchstone. Between your parents, siblings, in-laws and nieces and nephews, chances are that you'll never technically be alone during your visit, but that won't mean you won't feel alone. Having a personal reminder of your day-to-day reality -- a picture of your boyfriend tucked inside your toiletry kit, a special piece of jewelry, your ticket stub from last year's Black Party -- can help you temporarily find your center and remind you that you are much more than what your family might see you as.

4. Save the children (and yourself). Sure, they might cry, scream and poop their pants once in a while, but you won't find anyone who's more genuinely happy to see and spend time with you than kids. No judgments, no passive aggressive comments and no agendas. Just the way it should be.

5. Get a room. Growing up, you might have been able to find comfort by locking yourself in your bedroom when you needed to escape life's pressures. Now that you're an adult -- not to mention the fact that your mom has since converted said room into a showcase for her creepy Madame Alexander doll collection -- feel free to find a safe haven elsewhere, like at the nearest five-star hotel.

6. Church chat. With so much emphasis put on giving the perfect gifts, it can be hard to remember what the holidays are supposed to be about: celebrating religious traditions. That can mean feeling compelled to attend service at your family's place of worship, even though its views on homosexuality might be diametrically at odds with your own. If you're a person of faith or are content to sit there and roll your eyes for an hour and a half, then by all means go. But if you're not, don't feel bad about taking a pass. You can always repent later. Or not.

7. Take time for yourself. Spending such a concentrated amount of time with people you're not entirely comfortable around can take a toll. Take time to recharge and regroup by taking some "me" time. Go to the thrift store you used to haunt back when you were going through your emo phase. Schedule a reunion with a childhood friend who's also home visiting. Hell, take a nap. If your parents protest ("We never see you, and here you are running off again"), don't allow yourself to feel bad about it. Take the space you need. With love.

8. Visit with purpose. Ultimately, you made the decision to make the trip home. Maybe it's out of guilt or a sense of obligation. Maybe it's because you think it's easier to just suffer through it than to disappoint your family members. Maybe you're just a masochist. Hopefully, it's because, despite all the drama, despair and feelings of disappointment you're subjected to, there's also some good times, too. Focus on these positive moments and realize that each one is a building block for making your next visit even better.

To all of you out there embarking on your journey home this year, I wish you safe travels and the strength to show your family you're an adult who can participate in family gatherings on your own terms. Just as you are.

A Pill to Prevent HIV

2012-11-06T14:35:00-05:00

Last week a friend posted on Facebook: "It's been an interesting life. HIV + (positive). 10/9/2012." He is 24.

Later, I asked my young friend if he had heard of Truvada, the drug recently approved by the FDA for use as pre-exposure prophylaxis, or PrEP, against HIV. It's a pill to prevent HIV transmission. Like most people I know, he hadn't ever heard about PrEP and didn't understand that it was an option available to him.

Sadly, I'm not surprised. The information that has come out about PrEP over the past year has been so vague or confusing that millions of gay men at risk for getting HIV may not understand it. The fact is, a daily dose of Truvada can statistically protect against contracting HIV.

If taken properly and consistently over a period of time prior to an exposure, an HIV-negative person is protected in roughly equivalent rates of protection provided by a condom, or over 90 percent. Researchers have estimated that for gay men, taking Truvada daily (7 pills per week) may be 99-percent effective; four pills a week might be as good as consistent condom use (96 percent).*

So why isn't there a more expansive conversation happening in the gay community about this drug? Where are the front-page headlines? I spoke to some of my own friends about PrEP and quickly realized that many people, both HIV-positive and HIV-negative, have a knee-jerk negative reaction to PrEP, a combination of healthy skepticism, fear, misinformation and confusion.

I'm writing this piece because I don't want to read any more Facebook postings like that of my young friend. I want people of all ages to have the information they need to decide for themselves about the risks and benefits of Truvada and PrEP.

The Condom Conundrum

Despite decades of safer sex messages, over 50,000 Americans are still newly infected with HIV every year. Gay men, who represent less than 2 percent of the U.S. population, account for over 60 percent of new infections. With statistics like these, you might think that public health departments and HIV organizations would be doing much more to educate the public about this powerful new tool in the fight against HIV. I asked my own doctor's assistant about PrEP, and he admitted that he didn't know much about it -- and I live in New York City, arguably a health and medical treatment capital of the world.

I can't help but wonder if the reluctance to promote PrEP may be because there are real limits to what PrEP can and cannot do. PrEP is not a vaccine that can give you 100-percent protection. It is not a Viagra-type pill that can be taken 15 minutes before intercourse. It is not a cure for HIV. And it cannot protect you against hepatitis C, herpes, syphilis, chlamydia or gonorrhea. But still, for many of us, PrEP could be a game changer.

For as long as I can remember, the only real protection we have had against HIV, other than abstinence, has been condoms. But as protective as they are, condoms are also imperfect. They break; they are used incorrectly; they are at every bar when you don't need them and nowhere to be found when you do.

I also don't know a lot of people who are able to use condoms 100 percent of the time. Do you? Like anything we try to do 100 percent of the time, it's actually human to be less than 100-percent. That being said, I am continually amazed by how many presumably HIV-negative people I encounter who seem to think nothing of having sex without a condom. Something else is going on, namely that people are inherently unable to adhere to the "wear a condom every time" warnings. How many times did you slip in the past year? Once? Twice? Too many to count?

It's high time for a different approach.

A New Approach to Prevention

PrEP has the potential to dimensionalize our approach to HIV prevention, principally because taking a drug daily, as a woman might take birth control, more accurately addresses sex in the real world -- the same world where people slip up and condoms break.

When it comes to reproductive health for heterosexuals, men and women have many options to protect against unwanted pregnancy, from condoms and birth control to the morning-after pill. PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis) and PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis) are both powerful, valuable tools that give gay men, and anyone worried about contracting HIV, additional avenues of protection. Perhaps most important is that like oral contraception for women, but unlike condoms for protection against pregnancy or HIV, PrEP is not taken at the same complicated moment when sexual intimacy occurs; it can be taken at routine daily times before and after those less predictable moments. That is what most makes PrEP a unique addition to condoms in our struggle against HIV: It is neither better nor worse than condoms; it is simply a different strategy, one that may protect some people at some points in their lives when condoms are either impractical, unavailable or insufficient protection.

For those of us who live in relatively affluent, urban centers, it's sometimes easy to forget that safer-sex strategies and condoms are not "one size fits all." There are many, many people at risk for HIV who don't have the voice and power to always demand a condom during sex. There are people in sero-discordant relationships who could benefit from the practical and emotional protection of PrEP. Some people have fears around HIV that prevent them from loving. People with unfaithful and dishonest husbands and partners could be protected. People who "party" and take bigger risks, people who, for one reason or for many reasons, cannot "simply" use a condom 100 percent of the time, would benefit. If you are one of those people, and you are lucky enough to have access to PrEP, you might decide that PrEP is a ray of light in an otherwise very dark room.

PrEP vs. Condoms

A new ad campaign from prepfacts.org eloquently proclaims: "Love may have another protector." We'd like to think this means, universally, that people will use PrEP in conjunction with condoms to provide a second level of protection. That would make the most sense from a public health perspective, but PrEP presents us with a fundamental challenge to our way of thinking about protection and safer sex, namely that some people may use PrEP as a substitute for condoms despite the fact that it does not provide all the same protections.

I spoke with Jeff McConnell of the Gladstone Institutes, a sociologist on the trial that demonstrated Truvada's effectiveness against HIV infection in gay men. Mr. McConnell pointed out that a person who is taking Truvada consistently as recommended (daily) and having sex without a condom can no longer be considered to be having unprotected sex, at least with regard to HIV.

It has taken several weeks for me to wrap my head, and heart, around the idea espoused by sites like prepfacts.org and Mr. McConnell that taking PrEP daily and not using condoms could be considered, for some people, safer sex. This goes against everything I've been taught about HIV. Could it be that the language of safer sex, and perhaps sex as we know it, is fundamentally changing with PrEP?

The fear among many of us in the gay community and in public health is that people on PrEP will start taking more risks once they start taking the drug, risks they would not have taken otherwise. I understand these fears, and I share them. But so far there isn't data to support this fear. It could also be that the protection offered by this drug, when used properly, might actually offset any "riskier behavior." Only time will tell. As mentioned earlier, condoms offer protection against a wider variety of sexually transmitted infections than just HIV and have plenty of other advantages, as well.

Caveat Emptor (Let the Buyer Beware)

I have never known a world without HIV. I came to sexual maturity in the late '80s, at a time when HIV, sex and gay identity were smashed into one. For me, the concept of sexual freedom without fear and shame associated with HIV is both liberating -- and scary.

The epidemic has traumatized us through loss of our loved ones, and that trauma is evident in our shame around the disease, and in our prejudices against our HIV-positive brothers and sisters. I wonder if the trauma of HIV, fears for our own safety and the safety of our community, and our own shame are holding us back from being able to objectively consider this drug.

PrEP has the potential to liberate us, because it gives gay men who have managed to stay HIV-negative an opportunity to sever the cord between sex and HIV. Perhaps for the first time. To understand the scars that HIV has made, consider that HIV fear is present among many of us even when we are 100-percent safe, regardless of status. If PrEP can help HIV-positive and HIV-negative people feel safer and protected, then PrEP will have made a profound contribution to our emotional and physical well-being.

As anyone who has lived through the AIDS epidemic knows, when it comes to HIV, there have been few "home runs," only a series of singles, doubles and more than our fair share of foul balls. Truvada is not the one ring to rule them all, but it might still be a game changer for some of us -- if we understand that PrEP is not a replacement for common sense.

Side Effects

Truvada has been around for over a decade, used along with other drugs by HIV-positive people to reduce their virus to undetectable levels. When used alone and not as part of a cocktail by HIV-negative men to prevent HIV transmission, side effects are rare and often go away in weeks. Most common side effects are an upset stomach or nausea. In rare cases there are significant kidney issues, but these side effects are reversible for people who simply stop taking the drug.

Resistance

Drug resistance to anti-retrovirals like Truvada is an important issue. In fact, it is the reason HIV-positive people are given a combination of drugs in order to prevent HIV from developing resistance and escaping the meds.

However, if you are HIV-negative and stay HIV-negative, then according to the scientific findings reviewed by the FDA, drug resistance is not a significant issue. You must have HIV in order to have drug resistance to HIV (the virus becomes resistant, not the people). Translation: An HIV-negative person can go on or off Truvada during periods of their life when they are more or less sexually active. However, if someone is HIV-positive but does not know it when he begins taking PrEP, the virus could develop resistance (which happened in the trials), or if he is taking too little Truvada (less than recommended) and becomes infected, the virus could theoretically develop resistance to one or both of the drugs in Truvada.

In the clinical trial data reviewed by the FDA, there was no evidence that an HIV-negative person developed resistance to both of the drugs in Truvada after taking it for prevention and then seroconverting. It seems that resistance is not as serious an issue as people seem to think. At least not yet.

Mr. McConnell suggested that someone could even take a daily dose once a day for at least a week prior to a potential exposure (e.g., a "party" weekend) and continue daily dosing throughout the month to get good protection against the virus. "As long as you stay negative," he told me, "there is little problem going on or off the drug. You just need to test negative again before going back on."

A Tipping Point

Price and access issues have yet to be resolved. Most insurance companies appear to be covering Truvada, and drug companies may not want to risk the potential negative publicity associated with denying a breakthrough drug to at-risk populations. But there is also the issue of those in our community most vulnerable who do not have insurance and are unable to get access through another avenue.

Truvada appears to be a powerful new weapon in our fight against HIV. You may still be skeptical of this strategy. You may still have fears around resistance, side effects, abuse, misuse and access. There is much we still need to learn about PrEP. And yet how many more 24-year-olds need to get HIV before we are willing to consider that PrEP could be a viable part of a larger safer sex movement? I am optimistic that if we are willing to look at this new strategy without prejudice and judgment, we may be able to radically change the trajectory of new transmissions, as our queer brothers and sisters historically did in the 1980s. Perhaps with PrEP we can better protect the young men in their late teens and 20s (like my friend) and minority gay men, who represent the largest and fastest-growing segment of new HIV infections in the U.S. We could make history once again.

Additional links:
What is PrEP?
Interim guidance on PrEP for your doctor
Truvada website

Suggestions:
The iPrEx Primary Report (Grant, Lama et al. 2010)
My PrEP Experience
Anderson, P. L., D. V. Glidden, et al. (2012). "Emtricitabine-Tenofovir Concentrations and Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis Efficacy in Men Who Have Sex with Men." Sci Transl Med 4(151): 151ra125.
Grant, R. M., J. R. Lama, et al. (2010). "Preexposure chemoprophylaxis for HIV prevention in men who have sex with men." N Engl J Med 363(27): 2587-2599.

Meningitis? Yeah, There's a Vaccine for That

2012-10-09T14:17:00-04:00

Two weeks ago my good friend Kyle died from invasive meningococcal disease, commonly known as meningitis. He was 32. Kyle died not from the meningitis outbreak linked to tainted medicine that is dominating the news, but from a different meningitis outbreak right here in New York City that is spread through intimate contact.

Kyle was full of life and love. He loved Tennessee Williams and volleyball. He believed in true love and monogamy. He was loyal, generous, sassy, and smart. Kyle was beautiful, both inside and out.

As far as I know, Kyle didn't have private health insurance, so when he first got sick with a fever, he made the unfortunate decision, as so many without insurance have to make every day, to "tough it out" rather than go to the emergency room or pay out of pocket for a doctor's visit. It didn't occur to him that he might have meningitis, or that his life might be at risk.

Meningitis is a tricky disease. It can overwhelm a person's nervous system in a matter of days. Many people mistake the most common symptoms of meningitis (neck pain, high fever, and a rash) for a flu. But unlike a flu, a person who gets meningitis needs immediate hospitalization and treatment with strong antibiotics such as Ciprofloxacin (Cipro).

There have been four cases of meningitis in New York City in the past month alone, an alarming increase in the rate of transmission over the past year. HIV-positive, sexually active men with multiple partners are most at risk, but anyone, HIV-positive or HIV-negative, straight or gay, with or without insurance, can get the disease.

The good news, if there is any, is that we have a vaccine for meningitis, and it is relatively easy to produce and administer. Had Kyle gone to the doctor sooner, he could have easily been treated, and he might have recovered. When it comes to meningitis, it matters to act quickly and decisively.

The more people get vaccinated, the better our chances of preventing the spread of the disease and protecting those in our community who are most vulnerable. The NYC Department of Health is urging anyone who is HIV-positive and has had sexual contact with another man whom he met through a website or app or at a bar or party since September to discuss getting the meningitis vaccine with his primary health-care provider. The city's public hospitals say they will cover the co-pay of anyone who sees his provider for the purpose of getting the vaccine. The Health Department is also providing vaccines free of charge at clinics around the city for anyone who, like Kyle, may not have health insurance in the first place. (Click here for a list of places offering the vaccine free of charge.)

The NYC Department of Health has come under some criticism lately for a video it produced that uses fear to persuade people to "wear a condom" and actually reinforces stigma against those who are HIV-positive. Let's just say they can do better and leave it at that.

I have spoken to the Department of Health, and this time they are trying hard to make sure they work with people within the gay community to get ahead of the outbreak and provide messaging that balances the need to fulfill their public health mission with more sensitivity to the many issues facing our community. They are reaching out to bloggers and those of us who run dating websites and apps and utilizing social media to spread their message. With vaccines and co-pays subsidized, no one else will have to worry about access to life-saving medications simply because, like Kyle, they lack insurance.

Anyone who believes he or she has the symptoms of meningitis should seek medical attention immediately. Of course, don't be a hypochondriac about it. Stay calm but alert. See a doctor right away if you show any of the symptoms and suspect you may have been exposed.

Dating and Fear in the Age of HIV: 'I'd Like to Sleep With You -- and I'm HIV-Positive'

2012-09-10T17:49:00-04:00

This is difficult for me to write and maybe for you to read.

I'll start with a story.

I came out 23 years ago. My mother said, softly, "This is the worst day of our lives. The next worst will be the day we bury you from AIDS."

Much has changed since then. We know now, as we knew then, that being gay doesn't foretell an HIV diagnosis. The infection is far from a death sentence, at least for those with access to life-saving medications. And for many people, like my parents, a fear of gay people and HIV has been replaced with love and acceptance.

But as gay men, we're still ashamed of HIV, whether we're positive or negative. Some would rather have cancer than live with the stigma of the infection, where a diagnosis is filled with not only internalized gay shame but a sense of fault: "It could have been prevented if only we had just loved a little less..."

Nationally, 20 percent of gay and bisexual men are estimated to be living with HIV. Some are aware of their status and are being treated; others are not aware at all. Whether they know their status or not, there are hundreds of thousands of gay men living with HIV, hooking up and falling in love.

Many HIV-negative men I know live and love in a seemingly blissful denial, pretending HIV isn't already enmeshed in their dating and sex lives. But the fact is that if you're a sexually active, HIV-negative gay man, chances are you are already sleeping with HIV-positive men. You, and they, just may not know it.

You certainly would not know through a casual read of profiles on many dating sites and apps; you might get the opposite impression and be fooled into thinking the infection has gone on some extended holiday, like an aging Hollywood starlet. But sadly, many positive men are just not made to feel comfortable disclosing their HIV status openly on dating sites and apps. Some leave the question of status blank or even list their status as negative. Others may list their status upfront but refrain from showing their faces. Some brave souls add a discreet "+" sign to their profile name.

The dearth of proud, openly positive gay people online in most cities is a lost opportunity for all of us. More open disclosure can lead toward better, more informed, and safer sex. It would also go far toward removing some of the shame we have toward the disease.

To get there, we need to do more to encourage HIV-positive and HIV-negative gay men to openly discuss their status and risk online and to create a dialogue that supports both HIV-positive and HIV-negative people who are working through the difficult challenge of being in relationships with each other.

For Those Who Are HIV-Negative (or Think They Are)

We need to address our own fears and shame around HIV and do it in concert with other people, both HIV-positive and HIV-negative. Only by being honest with ourselves about our fears and our demons can we begin to overcome our own prejudices. We must ask ourselves how we are perpetuating ignorance and shame in our community, regardless of our HIV status, through the actions we take and the decisions we make around dating and sex.

Be Informed

We need to inform ourselves about the risks of HIV in 2012 and understand what it means to have the infection today. And we need to understand, and incorporate into our sex lives, the fact that a risk of transmission is higher with someone who doesn't know his status and/or is not on medication than with someone who is being treated.

There are tens of thousands of serodiscordant (positive/negative) couples who are in vibrant, healthy relationships that last years or decades without one transmitting the virus to the other. Through drugs that can often (although not always) reduce the virus to undetectable levels, PReP, and basic safer sex practices, it is actually remarkably easy to protect both yourself and your partner.

I understand this because I've been there. My younger self struggled to kiss someone whom I knew to be HIV-positive. I've always known you can't get HIV through kissing (it's a simple, safe activity), but the irrational mind is powerful. Today I have many friends I love who are HIV-positive, and I make a point to kiss each and every one of them.

Treat All Your Sex Partners As If They Were HIV-Positive

Everyone who is HIV-negative needs to develop a sexual health strategy that presumes that everyone we are sleeping with could be HIV-positive. For anyone who is sexually active and regularly dating or sleeping with other men, we need to practice safer sex -- 100 percent of the time.

I know plenty of HIV-negative guys who are comfortable sleeping freely with strangers they believe or assume to be negative, but the moment someone discloses that they are positive, they lock the door, paralyzed by fear and discrimination.

In the gay world, we can be sensitive to straight people criticizing or judging us, but there is an amazing amount of hypocrisy and elitism in our own backyard, much of it a result of fear and misinformation.

Don't Be a Douche Bag

We need to let our HIV-positive friends know we are available to discuss status and safe sex openly. Rather than spending time writing things like "neg for neg" in an online profile, we need to clue people in that we are ready to have a more informed discussion around risk and transmission.

And those of us who are HIV-negative need to stop using words like "clean" in our profiles to describe ourselves. "Clean" implies that people who are HIV-positive are dirty. On the Mister app and on DaddyHunt.com, we discourage users to use the term and ask our users to report people who do. After all, we don't tolerate racist profiles or verbal harassment. I wish other sites and apps would do the same, but until then, we can set an example for others.

For Those Who Are HIV-Positive (With or Without Medications)

If all the HIV-positive people online felt comfortable enough to disclose and discuss their status and what it means to have responsible sex on medication, it would go a long way toward creating a less shameful and hidden online culture. Those of us who live in large cities often forget that, for many, the online world is their first and, in some cases, only connection to gay culture and safer-sex messages.

The people I know who are out as HIV-positive are amazingly free of shame and fear around their diagnosis. They are able to receive support and love from their friends; they are able to change perceptions. On an individual level, if you have shame around your diagnosis, every time you tell someone else about your status, you have the opportunity to have some of this shame lifted. You take away shame's power through sharing. You may also be surprised by how many people are willing to love and date you even after they know. Some people you disclose to might even risk telling you about their own HIV-positive status that they are keeping secret.

When and how to disclose is something that every HIV-positive person must reconcile for himself. I'd like to risk sharing some of my own strategies around sex and dating.

Strive to Be Truthful

We all bend the truth. Online, I have been 10-percent lighter or younger at times. But when it comes to sexual health (and not just HIV), it's important to strive to be truthful. If someone asks me directly or indirectly about anything related to health, even a cold, and I plan to have sex with them, then I give them the opportunity to decide for themselves if they want to have sex. Yes, I risk that they may walk away, but I've found that if I blend the truth in order to have sex or a date, I ultimately cheat myself. Informed sex is better sex.

Don't Do Things You Might Regret the Next Day

I don't do things I will worry about the next day -- even if the other person wants to engage in something unsafe.

Admit Your Fears

Until HIV-negative guys start admitting we're afraid of being HIV-positive, until we admit our investment in being HIV-negative, and until we admit the judgments that often get attached to HIV-positive status, we're never going to get rid of the shaming power of HIV and the negative impact it has on us, on HIV-positive men, and on future generations of gay men. If you are HIV-negative, I urge you to to face your fears, acknowledge your prejudices, and stop the cycle of discrimination within the gay community.

Sex, in this ongoing age of HIV, requires clarity, responsibility, and maturity in our acquaintances and friendships, our romances, and, most importantly, in the heat of the moment.

WATCH:

It's Gay-OK to Play With Your Balls!

2012-08-10T20:59:00-04:00

HuffPost recently cited a report from OutSports on the number of out gay Olympians in the 2012 games: 20 women and three men, roughly 0.2 percent of the 11,000 athletes competing in London. We all suspect that there are hundreds of gay men and women competing -- well, maybe not hundreds, but certainly enough for a kiki. Factor in the gay judges, coaches, and volunteers, and the Olympics is practically a circuit party.

The Olympic Games are a high-profile example of the way that professional sports have largely effaced gays and lesbians, by both denying our existence as athletes and doing little to support us publicly. Case in point: There is still not one male athlete I can name who is out and currently playing professional football, baseball, soccer, hockey, basketball, volleyball, golf, or tennis.

"You Throw Gay"

It doesn't surprise me that many gay men I know grew up with a terrible fear of competitive team sports. Team sports rarely allow space for sexual difference. Out of fear, ignorance, or prejudice, sports, from little league to the Olympics, are often silent on the issue of sexual identity and inclusion.

Young gay people of all ages, especially gay men, continue to be discouraged from pursuing team sports. That's a shame. Sports need gay players, and, more importantly, gay people, both those who are athletes and those who could be encouraged to be more athletic, need sports. Gay people need sports not only because we like them, or would like them if we felt more welcome, but because sports, especially team sports, have much to offer us in the way of friendships, community, self-esteem, and our physical and emotional health and well-being.

I was lucky enough to grow up with parents who played sports and encouraged my participation in team sports. But I, like many other gay guys, gravitated toward sports like tennis or skiing, where I could coordinate my own outfits -- in other words, individual sports. I never felt welcome in the hypermasculine world of team sports, where differences of any kind were quickly stamped out. More than that, I feared the locker room. The overriding message I received, explicitly and implicitly, was that sports and gayness were mutually exclusive.

Luckily, times are changing, and gays young and old are learning how amazing sports can be. There's an article on HuffPost this week about photographer Jeff Sheng's "Fearless" project, featuring young gay athletes throughout the country who are out and contributing to their school sports teams. Many of these brave young men and women are out in high school! To me, that is as powerful and inspiring as out Olympians.

For those of us a few years (or decades) out of high school, there are many amazing options. For the past five years I've played, captained, and coached in Gotham Volleyball, a gay league in New York City with over 800 players per season. I've seen firsthand how gays can thrive when sports and shame are disconnected.

Why Sports Matter

Gay men need other avenues for building friendships that are not based (at least initially) on sexual compatibility and mutual attraction. So many gay men limit ourselves to building friends through online dating websites and apps, or in environments built around sex, dating, and drinking. Gay sports leagues provide the opportunity to meet other gay guys in the real world, and to build friendships and meaningful relationships over time based on shared real-world experiences. And yes, many of the guys are smoking hot.

The most amazing thing I've observed is the way sports leagues can enrich the lives of LGBTQ people. We've been so damaged by the world of sports that we often come to a gay sports league filled with trepidation and self-doubt. Gay sports leagues like Gotham celebrate difference rather than repressing or judging it. In gay leagues you will find not only competitive, professional athletes who look just like athletes in "straight" leagues but also fabulous ladyboys in short skirts who can finish a mean serve with a high kick. "Fierce" is a word often present on the court. Team names usually include some sort of sexual double entendre or campy humor. "I'd Hit That," "When Harry Set Sally," and "Destiny's Hookers" are some recent team names. In other words, gay leagues combine competitive sports and fabulousness in a way that is nothing short of inspiring.

So although out gays and lesbians in the Olympics may be few, gay sports leagues and tournaments are flourishing, giving gay men and women the opportunity to know the joys of team sports on their own terms. There are dating websites like RealJock.com and content sites like Outsports.com dedicated to the thousands of gay men who play sports. And don't forget the Gay Games, which this year celebrates 32 years since its founding. All of these are a wonderful testament to the amazing power of gay athletes everywhere.

Before the 2012 Olympic Games end, I hope a few more athletes will follow the lead of South African archer Karen Hultzer and come out. And maybe when the next Olympic Games roll around, I'll turn on the TV and see a posse of athletes competing to become the next big gay star, hugging their boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, or wives after winning medals. Maybe by then we'll even see some straight athletes wave to knuckle-biting gay parents in the stands. We will make fun of their trashy mix of patriotic fashion and rainbow rings. We will smile and laugh. And we will all be the better for it.

Monogamy Is Dead! Long Live Monogamy!

2012-07-27T17:54:00-04:00

Let's Get Gay-Married

2012 is the year of the gay destination wedding. But given what I do, I can't help but think that more and more of these amazing "I do"s started off as two syllables on a mobile dating app. Each day, millions of gay men log on to gay dating apps looking to connect with someone for one night or for life. What happens when you find that "special" guy and decide to build a committed life together? How do you successfully transition from gay-single to gay-married, especially after years, if not decades, of living in a single, often promiscuous mindset?

Gay or straight, for many people, "commitment" automatically means "monogamy." I believe we are here to be in relationships with one another. For some of us, there is a tremendous reward from having a fulfilling, monogamous relationship with one person; connecting on a sexual level and having sex become something that binds us and makes our union stronger for the rest of our lives together.

Amazing. Sign me up.

The problem is that I don't know a lot of couples like that, gay or straight. Do you? Some, sure, but it's an "I-could-count-them-on-one-hand" sort of thing.

Relationships Are Hard, and Monogamy Is Harder

Monogamy is not in the cards for everyone, even for those who like the idea of monogamy because it aligns with their value system. For most gay men I know, monogamy is a struggle. It used to be harder to play on the side. You had to go to a public place, like a bar, make an effort, and be out in public. But now it can be as easy as logging on and getting off. Temptation and opportunity are everywhere. We live in a world where "straying" is as easy as turning on your phone.

There are more complex issues at work here. Technology is not only making it easier to stray but forcing us to reexamine some of our values regarding fidelity and commitment. Being gay means we are not tethered to traditional relationship models, and we have a unique opportunity to redefine what it means to be committed.

What We Can Do

The first thing we have to do is talk about how hard it is to combine, or maybe even to separate, monogamy and sex -- and not just with the guys we're hooking up with on the side! Then we have to take a realistic, honest look at how the struggle to be monogamous might help or hurt our ability to stay in committed, healthy, productive relationships. We need to ask ourselves and the guys with whom we're considering monogamy the following questions:

"What do we think monogamy will give us, individually and as a couple?"

Monogamy is not, in and of itself, good or bad. There are real benefits to monogamy, but only when both individuals make the choice out of their own needs, not out of ideas. Discuss whether the choice for monogamy can help you and your partner build a more stable and healthy life together. In other words, really understand the way that foreclosing other options creates new paths toward security, longevity, and intimacy.

"What do we think monogamy might take away from us, individually and as a couple?"

What are the potential losses from choosing monogamy? Some people feel resentful of their partner and their relationship because they don't have any outlets. Others find it a burden to be the only source of sexual satisfaction for a partner. There are lots of costs to choosing monogamy. Let's be honest about that, with ourselves and with our partners.

"How long do we want our monogamy contract to last before it comes up for renewal?"

It can be amazingly helpful to think of monogamy as if it were a cellphone contract with a renewal date a year or two in the future. At the end of the contract period you have an opportunity to sit down and review your plan. What's important is not what package you choose but that space and freedom is created to evaluate the current contract to see if it is serving or harming the relationship.

Scary stuff, I know. Yet if we honestly discuss our dreams for monogamy and our concerns about it, at the start of a relationship and at regular intervals, we might have a better chance of coming to an agreement together that's based on shared values, a shared philosophy, and shared needs. We might also open a dialogue to be non-monogamous but committed, or to revisit monogamy down the line, to make sure we still hold the same beliefs.

Discussions about sex are amazingly complex. For many gay men and women, our sexuality is a source of strength, power, and freedom. But it is also burdened with issues of identity, promiscuity, health, and insecurity. Most gay men I know have grown up with a degree of shame surrounding who they are and whom they love.

In other words, each one of us brings a unique and sometimes troubled history to our committed relationships. What we need from any relationship in order to be whole and content is not only about the dynamic between us and our partners but also about our individual experiences with love and affirmation.

Ultimately, having honest and authentic conversations about desire, commitment, and monogamy allow for healthier relationships. It isn't easy, and it requires a different way of talking about these issues. But what better time than now, with the discussion of marriage so prominent, to redefine the very paradigms that help us become one with each other?

Gay-on-Gay Bullying: The New Mean Girls

2012-05-25T20:30:00-04:00

In the past two years mobile dating apps have transformed the lives of gay men worldwide. You can now be on a remote island, at Home Depot, at church, or even on another date and easily find someone nearby to meet (or, in some states, marry). Mobile dating apps are fun, easy to use, highly efficient, and here to stay.

They can also be an emotional minefield, especially for anyone who feels too skinny, too fat, too ethnic, too hairy, too girly, or -- gasp! -- too old, which, in the gay-dating-app world, means anyone over 30. As gay men we may congratulate ourselves on having made progress in the past decade on such important issues as marriage, adoption, and bullying, but we've yet to make positive strides in the online and mobile arenas. The app culture that's emerged in recent years is often more intimidating, negative, and noninclusive than many of the online hookup sites that preceded them.

As if reducing oneself to a single torso shot and 120 characters or less weren't hard enough, some guys think nothing of attacking each other publicly and proudly with profiles filled with knife-edge putdowns. "I block more Asians than the Great Wall of China," one user boasts. "No fatties, no daddies, no furballs, no queens," says another. At times mobile dating can feel more like the high-school cafeteria in Mean Girls than a way to engage in social networking or hook up.

There is a tendency for many gay guys to choose to show a limited, strategic, even negative version of who they are on these apps, in order to willfully avoid real connections and live in the world of fantasy and escapism. Why? Because hooking up for sex is quick and easy. The other things, like connecting on an emotional level, chatting with people who don't immediately fit your sexual requirements, and looking out for your emotional well-being and that of others, are hard, time-consuming, complex, and even scary. They require you to be vulnerable. They require asking questions and listening. In other words, it's a slow build, the antithesis of "10 feet away."

The gay community has always been highly competitive when it comes to dating. But the combination of limited screen "real estate," a lack of filters, a sea of perfect body shots, and an overwhelming number of young, immature guys has created an app culture that is anything but inclusive. This is especially difficult for older guys, who are routinely dismissed and bullied online. Gay culture is one of the most ageist cultures in America. As a result, older gay men are targets of some of the worst online vitriol from other gay men. Many older men have to get "creative" when listing their ages or risk being unattractive to younger guys. Even compliments to younger guys can elicit mean, pejorative responses, like, "Go home, troll."

It's not uncommon for younger gay men to say, "If I'm still cruising at 40, just shoot me." They believe that once a man hits 40 or 50, he should be married and living in Palm Springs, or, better yet, Mexico. He certainly shouldn't still be looking. But as a happy, single, 40-year-old gay guy, I can attest that just because you hit a number, you don't stop looking for affirmation, validation, sex, and love. In the gay world love and sex are conflated at all ages and the search for both inauthentic and authentic validation persists even later in life. In other words, app twinks, the odds are pretty high that you, too, will still be clicking on thumbnails 20 years from now.

Take a deep breath. It's going to be more than OK.

There are a lot of guys -- I mean a lot of guys -- who like older men. There are also a lot of guys who are completely turned on by all types: truckers, bears, femme guys, tall guys, little guys, shy guys, daddies. Yes, gay guys young and old. There are many millions of people out there just like you, who like you just as you are right now. The problem is that this message gets easily lost in a sea of headless torsos on a 3.5-inch screen.

So last year I decided to build MISTER, a geolocation-based mobile dating app for real men -- of all ages and of all types. MISTER is a place where everyone, especially everyone over 30, is invited to feel comfortable and authentic. You don't have to lie or turn yourself into someone you're not to approach other guys. Think of MISTER as a friendly, low-key neighborhood gay bar that you can put in your pocket and take with you everywhere you go.

All members are asked to sign the MISTER Code when they first join, a commitment to an online experience rooted in Maturity, Integrity, Safety, Trust, Enjoyment, and Respect. Is it a corny acronym? Sure, but over 90 percent of our members voluntarily sign it. We encourage face pics instead of headless torsos and give users the ability to upload multiple photos. We give members up to 3,000 characters to share their fears, passions, and goals. In other words we give members the space to be real.

Most importantly, you won't find offensive profiles on MISTER like you do on other apps. Why? Because we boot them off the island. So far we've deleted the profiles of 4,576 Mean Girls and counting.

As website owners and developers, we can choose to create features and policies that encourage people to be good guys or Mean Girls. But we can't do it alone. All we can do is build the structure, like the outline of a coloring book. We need you to fill it in with beautiful, crazy, full profiles that celebrate who you are without making others feel small.

So I want to challenge you to make 2012 the year of being better online, no matter what app you choose to use. Let people see you as you really are. Take the time to respond to people who compliment you. Be open to connections with different types of guys. And think twice before writing "no one over X" in your profile, because trust me, gay guys, that next milestone birthday is fewer "feet away" than you think.