2013-05-18T21:34:36-04:00 Elissa Stein http://www.huffingtonpost.com/author/index.php?author=elissa-stein Copyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc. HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Elissa Stein Good old fashioned elbow grease. tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.2345563 2012-12-21T10:02:15-05:00 2013-02-20T05:12:02-05:00

Elissa Stein http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elissa-stein/
Hey there is a lockdown at my school could you find out what is happening

The lack of punctuation and capitalization flew through my mind as I processed what I was reading.

Hey there is a lockdown at my school . . .

My brain clicked. This was it. Real time. I stared at those words and went into full-scale efficient mode. I checked local news. Her school's website. Emailed administration. Texted other parents. Texted her to hold tight and that everything would be fine.

She didn't write back.

This is a NYC public school. Brooklyn Tech, the biggest specialized high school in the city. If something was going on, I figured someone should be reporting it.

Nothing.

Finally I got an email saying it was just a drill. I breathed a little easier.

But it wasn't. Apparently someone with a firearm was spotted in the vicinity of the building. The school's website soon noted a shelter-in protocol had been initiated. Here I must express nothing but gratitude for the administration and staff and NYPD for acting so quickly to keep everyone in the building safe.

I started to cry. And couldn't stop.

In elementary school I caught the chicken pox, broke my pinky, had a bad reaction to a bee sting. At the edges of my memory are occasional air raid drills, hunching under a desk, hands clasped behind my neck as protection from flying glass in case a bomb struck. An attack from a foreign country was our biggest fear.

Never, in my wildest dreams, in my worst nightmares did the thought that someone would enter a school with rounds (and rounds and rounds) of ammunition, looking to slaughter. That innocent children, teachers, administrators could/would be shot to death, that those who survived, both in the immediate communities and all over the world, would suffer the ramifications of such brutal, shocking violence.

In the past week I read about parents sending their children to school with weapons. Others suggested arming teachers. As the conversation (finally, thank god, it's profoundly overdue) about gun control began, gun sales are on the rise. The NRA is now suggesting putting armed guards in schools. Yes, making sure children are within a gun's reach every day. And there are those who still throw out the rhetoric that Americans need to be able to defend their families.

Here's my question: defend them from what?

At this point we're defending ourselves from each other. And failing miserably.

This is the new normal. When going to the movies, to the mall, to elementary school can be deadly.

Guns kill. And everyone in this country deserves laws protecting us from the unspeakable tragedies they bring.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.2082442 2012-11-06T13:20:02-05:00 2013-01-06T05:12:01-05:00

Elissa Stein http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elissa-stein/ High School Musical song, stuck in my head for days (apologies if it's now stuck in yours). Watching the Sandy relief effort unfold, both from far away -- we left our powerless, waterless, heatless downtown NYC apartment after the storm -- to seeing grassroots fliers and local donation drives taking place in lobbies and schools and yoga studios and restaurants when we got back, I'm in awe at people's willingness to help. To appreciate what they have and pay it forward to help those very many who are far less fortunate at the moment.

To work together.

Sandy was an equalizer and it didn't matter whether you were on food stamps, lived in a riverfront penthouse, were urban or suburban, what race you were, what religion you practiced, whether you were elderly or in preschool. It didn't care if you missed dialysis or chemo, if you had surgery scheduled or a vacation planned. If you were on the second floor of a beach house or on the 37th floor of a midtown high-rise.

If you were a Republican or Democrat.

It destroyed and changed lives across every socio-economic border there is.

As countless people across the country are coming together to work, to donate, to rebuild destroyed homes, to find shelter for the newly homeless, to get schools back in session, to gather supplies and clothing, to feed those without, to provide medical attention, to fix power outages, to get restore heat and hot water as the temperatures drop, what matters is the effort, the intent to change things for the better.

To help those in need.

And while I'm grateful in times of crisis we can put aside the divisiveness that permeates our country, especially during election time, I'm wondering how it got this rancorous and why it needs to be. The president doesn't run one political party, he runs the country. Congress doesn't represent just the people who voted for them, they represent everyone in their districts. Senators work for their state, not for people only of one political persuasion.

Or, at least that's how it should be.

Not meaning to oversimplify or generalize, I imagine many if not most of us want the same things: a roof over our heads, good jobs, security for the future, food and clothing, education for our children, health care when we're not well.

It's not that complicated.

Maybe it's time to take a step back from the finger-pointing and lying, the accusations and fear mongering, the divisiveness and enmity to see that maybe it doesn't just have to be in times of crisis for compassion and community to take the front seat.

We're all in this together.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1433160 2012-04-18T10:38:31-04:00 2012-06-18T05:12:02-04:00

Elissa Stein http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elissa-stein/
That is not an exaggeration.

These ELA and their counterpart math tests have grown to mean far too much not just for students, but for teachers and schools as well. Meant, one would assume, as a tool to monitor educational progress, somewhere along the way, someone lost control of the system.

I'm going to assume again that the people in charge want to assess both growth and stagnation in schools, in teaching methods and in teachers. But as the tests change yearly, there are no standards against which to judge fluctuations. This is not referring to the obvious: changing questions on the test from year to year. This is about changing the duration of the test. Changing how many days the tests run for. Changing how many questions are asked. Changing formats. Changing time frames and test dates. For example: this year students have a mere five days between their ELA and math tests. In previous years they were split by months so that students and teachers could focus on preparing for each test individually. Or this: some years the ELA were multiple choice only but then essays were added, adding a subjective bent to grading.

Note to those in charge: you can't draw conclusions when there is no baseline to measure against.

Both teachers and schools are now judged on test scores. In fact, this year test score results were made available in print and online for New York City teachers. Everyone had access to this information and could look up, and judge, teachers by this one, narrow aspect of their job performance. Teachers now more than ever are under pressure for their students to perform not only well on these tests, but to demonstrate that they're showing improvement over where they were before. And how much better can a school do if it's already performing well? School "grades" given out by the Department of Education reflect improvement from year to year. But eventually there's a performance cap and schools are penalized for maintaining a status quo, even if it's a terrific one. A few points come to mind:

• If a student is scoring well, how much better can they get over time?
• That goes for schools too
• Every class make up is different -- from gifted and talented programs to inclusion classes and kids with individualized education plans -- they can't be judged from the same vantage point
• And this: not all students test well

Note to those in charge: a teacher's, not to mention a student's performance, needs to be based on far more than the results of two standardized tests.

Which leads to financial inequality in system. There was an article in the NY Times this week about how parents are now hiring tutors to help their kids prepare for these tests. Some institutions offer extra afterschool or weekend support. Not every family can afford this. Not every school has the resources, during this time of increasing budget cuts, to allocate funds for extra testing support. It goes without saying that wealthier school districts are performing better. Does that mean the kids are smarter? No. But it does create a red flag that those in charge should be addressing.

Note to those in charge: all test prep is not equal and can skew results.

And then there are the results. At a time when more families are remaining in the city, obtaining a seat in a good public school is getting harder and harder. In many cases state test results have now become one of the fundamental cornerstones in a middle or high school's decision-making process when it comes to selecting incoming students. There often isn't time or resources to do interviews, to read recommendations or to do additional testing and so test scores, along with attendance/lateness records matter more than one would think when it comes to the admissions process.

Note to those in charge: perhaps supporting schools and their staffs instead of spending so much time and energy on testing would make for more kids getting quality educations instead of learning how to take a test.

Finally, the students. The stress of these tests can be overwhelming, their importance blown way out of proportion. This year my son replied, when asked what he was grateful for at our Seder, that he was glad he felt well prepared for the state tests. This during a year his mother donated a kidney, he was finally getting his own room, the Giants won the Super Bowl. I know of kids who've had nightmares, anxiety attacks, have thrown up before and after the tests, or have burst into tears in school, worrying not just about the tests themselves but the ramifications of what their grades will mean to their future.

Note to those in charge: no test should hold that sway, that influence, that importance over kids, their families, their teachers or their schools. ]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1319293 2012-03-04T16:51:35-05:00 2012-05-04T05:12:01-04:00

Elissa Stein http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elissa-stein/
"New York City is a model for high school choice," said Schools Chancellor Dennis Walcott, to the New York Post, the day after letters were sent home. Having just lived through the complicated and unwieldy admissions process, NYC parents know there should have been air quotes around the word choice. Students do get to choose and then rank up to 12 high schools they'd like to attend. Just because you choose those schools though, in no way does that guarantee any of them will choose you back.

In a city with hundreds of viable options open to eighth graders, there are a few that it seems everyone wants to go to. Baruch College Campus High School, this year's most sought after school, was listed by over 6400 students who were vying for 110 spots. That's an acceptance rate of 1.7 percent. While those figures are skewed -- not everyone who included Baruch as a choice ranked it first -- that gives a sense of how insane the process can be. Many of the city's larger neighborhood schools have given way to new, more boutique-ish outposts. And they're small. With incoming classes ranging from 110 to 150 at the most sought after programs, that's leaving too many of the thousands of students who listed them terrified they won't get one of those coveted spots.

Then there are the specialized high schools, which have almost an elitist cachet at this point. Admissions to Stuyvesant, Bronx Science, Brooklyn Tech, etc. are based on a test. One test, which is administered in the fall of seventh grade. Some kids have been preparing since elementary school. Others participate in pricey test prep programs or had tutors help them through material that hadn't yet been covered in school. Each school has its own cut off score for acceptance and while those figures aren't published it seems, for example, that for students who score in the 560s (out of 800) can earn a place at Stuyvesant. The test is so difficult that according to my calculations a grade of just over 70 wins one of those esteemed spots. Only nineteen percent who took the test get into a specialized school. Yet, while each of these schools is exemplary in its own way, there's a generally unspoken yet obvious hierarchy when it comes to test scores and offers.

And while the city noted that 84 percent of students got one of their first five choices, almost 7,400 kids got nothing. No offers at all.

NYC kids have now been split into haves and have-nots, or to be more specific: specialized or non-specialized. First choices or non-first choices. Having a high school acceptance or not having a high school acceptance. After a brutal process that involved any and all of the following: tours, interviews, open houses, additional testing, essay writing, portfolio creation, tutoring, test prep, auditions, and months of waiting, a new reality is emerging. One that is confusing and painful for teenagers and their families to have to navigate.

After letters went out my daughter invited a bunch of friends over to celebrate. Full disclosure: she got offers from both her main round and specialized choices. Half the kids in the room were in the same boat, still floating on their amazing news. They couldn't wholeheartedly celebrate though as others were grappling with disappointment bordering on a sense of profound failure. From kids who didn't get into specialized but were accepted at highly sought after main round schools. Or those that didn't get their first choice and were coming to terms with a program they never imagined going to. While guidance counselors and teachers stressed that first choices were in no way guaranteed that's not an easy concept for teenagers, and often their parents, to accept. Both kids and adults are now dealing with disbelief, disillusionment, resentment, frustration and disappointment. While other families are relieved, excited, thrilled and grateful. These are feelings and reactions everyone experiences in life. But perhaps going to high school is stressful enough and shouldn't have to have all this extra pressure and emotional extremes attached.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.919989 2011-08-05T22:20:56-04:00 2011-10-05T05:12:01-04:00

Elissa Stein http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elissa-stein/ British Medical Journal, an opinion piece called for a reversal on the ban of selling human organs for money. As there is such a discrepancy between those in need of organs and those willing to donate, the author suggested standard monetary incentives for potential donors could potentially narrow the gap. She also noted that if more kidneys became available, they could be used pre-emptively, to prevent the need for dialysis. The system -- money dispersal and fairness in recipient choices, would be strictly monitored.

And those suggestions set off a flurry of outrage.

There were concerns about people in dire straights selling off parts of their bodies to pay bills. Of students (she mentioned this as a way of perhaps paying of educational loans), who weren't mature enough to think through all the ramifications. Of the fairness of the monitoring system, which is already an issue under scrutiny, as in which criteria are the most important when deciding who gets an organ. Truthfully, all reasonable issues to examine and discuss.

Another truth is there are already organs for sale. For people who can afford them. There are also far too few donations -- altruistic, to a stranger, or designated, when the donor knows the recipient. Further truths: the quality of life for thousands and thousands of people with renal failure is gravely compromised, waiting lists for cadaver kidneys are years long, and people die debilitating deaths, often with little hope in site.

Ethical, medical and moral questions are being raised. One can discuss these, conceptually, forever. As people wait. And suffer. With lives eventually ending.

I come to this discussion with a point of view that not too many have. An exceedingly personal point of view. I donated a kidney 8 weeks ago. My brother hit renal failure last summer and started dialysis, which from almost the beginning, was a disaster. His port failed and four surgeries later -- one of which ended in a fight for life in the emergency room -- he was told a live donor kidney was his best bet. The waiting list for a cadaver was 9 years. In all honesty, he wouldn't have survived that long with the temperamental chest catheter that became his last resort.

His skin was always grey. There were permanent black smudges under his eyes. He often fell asleep in a chair in my living room after dinner. He texted me when out walking his dog that he'd had to sit down on a bench, half a block from home, until he had the energy to get up and move again. From the time he asked me if I was willing to be tested, through surgery, which was more than 6 months later, and even now, I've been terrified something would go wrong, the transplant wouldn't happen or wouldn't work, and then what?

What options were left? What chances would he have? I've heard from or read about countless people who aren't lucky enough to know someone who is match, or who's able to go through the intense experience that being a donor is. I've also discovered remarkable, selfless people, who give up an integral part of their basic operation system to save someone else's live.

But, there aren't enough of them.

Yes, we can continue to ponder the ethical, medical and moral questions surrounding organ donation and financial renumeration. The bigger question though is, is there a better solution?

]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.826511 2011-02-28T11:40:18-05:00 2011-05-25T18:35:25-04:00

Elissa Stein http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elissa-stein/
A chest catheter is only a temporary measure -- his dialysis port failed last fall in spite of four operations trying to save it.

A kidney transplant could make all the difference. And I'm a match. Not only that, I've now gone through months of testing and re-testing. I've given 21 vials of blood, had two 24 hour urine tests, five urine analyses, a psychological evaluation and two cat scans of my abdomen, so surgeons could map out the best evacuation route. I'm healthy and have been cleared as his donor.

But, we have no surgery date. His insurance company seems to have recently decided that they won't cover a transplant at the hospital he's been going to. Even though they cover his doctor, have paid for various procedures he's had done there, along with all my compatibility testing, the transplant is now a no-go.

The surgeon has been asked to submit a formal appeal letter, pleading his case to do the surgery there instead of us starting over at a new hospital.

I have plenty of reasons he should include in his missive: how about that he's been treating my brother for over two years and my brother trusts him implicitly. Or the fact that with dialysis, mimicked kidney function raises him just above renal failure. That with no viable port, a chest catheter runs a far greater risk of infection, of which he's already had several. Then there's the fact that a donor is ready and waiting, that I've been through exhaustive, not to mention expensive testing and I've put my life on hold to be able to do this. And that should we need to start the process at another facility, there's no telling how soon my brother can get the organ he so desperately needs.

And here's one that doesn't seem to count anymore -- isn't this what insurance is for? For health care when you need it?

Someone, somewhere will be making decisions that while for them are mere paperwork, for us are life changing. Perhaps even life and death. This feels like a David and Goliath stand-off. Only his surgeon's appeal letter isn't a rock in a slingshot. It feels more like a used spitball that will languish in someone's inbox as my brother and I wait, without a say in what will happen next.

There are insurance stories far more heartbreaking than ours. People denied care or coverage. People who can't pay co-pays. People who live in pain or with illnesses that can be treated because they can't afford premiums. But, in this story it's my brother who's suffering. Whose life is compromised. Who's now grappling with case managers and coverage issues instead of planning for his transplant.

There's something wrong with a system in which corporations makes health decisions for people based on numbers, contracts or fees. Where patients are voiceless in their treatment. Where years of premiums don't guarantee you'll get the care you need. Where my brother will have to continue on dialysis in spite of the availability of a better option.

Health care reform is a necessity, not a conversation. And I'm hoping people continue to act on behalf of the millions who need, and deserve, to be treated better than this.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2010:/theblog//3.801290 2011-02-03T19:04:00-05:00 2011-11-17T09:02:45-05:00

Elissa Stein http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elissa-stein/
Backstory: my brother needs a kidney. He's spent the past 45 years grappling with a body that hasn't worked well as his one overburdened kidney slowly gave out. He lost the other one to a tumor at nine months. Along with kidney failure he's dealing with a host of health issues that have developed as a result. I've always known, on some level, that should he need one, one of mine is his. He's always been adamant that he'd never ask, but dialysis, which started last summer, has been disastrous. Over Thanksgiving he asked if I was serious about the offer.

Back to Christmas Eve:

After the high five, he said, "Thanks. And I'm sorry."

He's been saying he's sorry since he first asked if I'd be tested. That's a family tradition, too. I suppose its roots lie in Jewish guilt, but "I'm sorry" comes as easily out of our mouths as "good morning." I apologize for not throwing a frisbee well, for my apartment being too messy (it's generally pretty neat), for not being as on top of things as I should.

As we sat in the transplant office, waiting and waiting and waiting during our initial visit, he apologized profusely. A lull in the conversation? I'm sorry filled the space. As we waited and waited and waited to have blood drawn (we ended up coming back the next day), he texted apologies, too, even though we were sitting next to each other. Sorry for the delays, the far-away doctor's office, the potential donation road that I was contemplating, the traffic, the parking. Huge or tiny, he's sorry.

I asked him to please stop. I was there because I wanted to be.

And now, after getting the good match news, I know I'm here because I'm supposed to be.

I have been blessed in my life with amazing things. I am amazed, just about every day, at where I am. I have been married for 22 years to someone I'm still delighted to see every day. We both came from divorced homes and forged something as unbreakable as we possibly could. We brought kids into the world who are thoughtful, wise, challenging, delicious. We live in a perfectly fine apartment in my favorite neighborhood in NYC. I not only wrote my dream book but got to put it out into the world the way I wanted to. I have had experiences I never could have imagined after many years of being heartbreakingly lonely and suffering from anorexia, crippling anxiety and insane self-doubt. And I have extraordinary friends and an extended family I'm just getting to know and appreciate.

I am grateful for all that my life is.

And I'm even more grateful that I can give something back.

In a bigger, more spiritual way (not that I often think that way, so forgive me if I sound too hippy-dippy), I feel like the universe brought me to this point. My time is relatively free, my schedule is open. My bike fall last fall -- broken bone in my hand, shredded knee -- taught me that I can go through pain and injury and heal to be just as strong as I was before.

From another point of view, what's the point of being here if you can't make an impact, a difference? We're on this planet for a very short time, and I'd rather mine be constructive than wasted.

My husband said years ago that if you have a choice to do something or not to do it, always choose to do. That way you won't wonder or regret or live with "what ifs." Way back then, that was almost impossible for me to contemplate, but it's become something that now comes far more naturally.

This is one "to do" that I wouldn't miss for the world.

No matter what happens, I'm thrilled to be on this journey. I know it will be hard, anxiety-provoking, stressful, frustrating. I know I'll be freaked out and second-guessing. I know I'll be scared.

That's life. That's the journey. My journey.

No apologies necessary.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2010:/theblog//3.783015 2010-11-15T14:58:50-05:00 2011-05-25T18:10:25-04:00

Elissa Stein http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elissa-stein/
While I too am no expert in education and know I do not have the qualifications to lead the school system, at least I am a mother of kids in public school here -- PS41 and MS104, both in Manhattan. I'm also co-PTA president at the latter. In spite of my limited experience I can confidently say it seems that the Department of Education has become increasingly disconnected from the reality of the kids it's educating and the families it's communicating to.

Our mayor wants to treat our school system as a business. But, as many commentators have pointed out this week, education is not a business. The goal in business is to make profit. The goal in education is to enrich kids, support kids, inspire kids. Kids are not commodities. Each one has a unique background and story with extenuating circumstances. Some public school kids have have wealthy parents, some have parents in jail, some have no parents at all. Some live in shelters, some in foster care, some in brownstones. Some have involved families, some who could care less, some whose parents cannot communicate with the schools because of language barriers. Some students excel while others are challenged by emotional issues, health issues or learning disabilities.

Our kids aren't McDonald's french fries, Gap jeans, or Vogue subscriptions. They are not clones that can be uniformly subjected to rigid standards nor should, or can they be judged by the same test. It seems that the mayor has attempted to mask the difficulties and messiness of educating our vastly diverse school population through the implementation of a crisp, clean and professional façade which the DOE has spend huge amounts of time, energy and money administering. It provides for sound bites and statistics that can be manipulated, but parents understand that it is a substitute for the teaching that really matters.

Here's an idea -- as we confront failing students, failing schools, and tests that aren't working the way we've been told they are, how about we put kids first?

Instead of focusing time and resources on test results to determine a student's educational trajectory, why not limit the test to merely a component of the equation.

And perhaps, if less time was spent teaching to the test, more time could be spent on on things like sex ed, which at this point isn't part of the mandatory curriculum until eighth grade, when many kids are already active and misinformed.

Maybe more attention and energy could be focused creating a viable anti-bullying initiative so that kids, parents and faculties have resources and guidelines to follow.

What about encouraging more families to be involved? Parents are an amazing resource that are underutilized in nearly all public schools. More energy and resources should be focused on establishing a thriving and self-sustaining PTA at every school possible.

Why are there vending machines in cafeterias? Even though the DOE is trying to promote healthier eating, offering Doritos and Pop-Tarts, not to mention caffeinated drinks in high schools, as daily options defeats the purpose.

And then there's the serious issue of the lack of seats for students and classroom overcrowding.

How about naming a chancellor with experience working with all the unique challenges of public education?

Call me idealistic, but we need leaders who understand that this is about more than just public relations, system management, and statistics.

After all, public education is about our kids, their futures and ours.

]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2010:/theblog//3.739755 2010-09-26T20:04:37-04:00 2011-11-17T09:02:45-05:00

Elissa Stein http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elissa-stein/ "FLOW," I'm always good for a sound bite or two) the reporter asked if I'd seen the instructional tampon videos popping up on YouTube. Not the ones recently developed by manufacturers, not retro films we'd seen in those humiliating fifth grade assemblies -- these were girls taking matters into their own hands, or noses, or mouths (I'm getting ahead of myself). Apparently teens have been making how-to films and posting them online, where millions have found them.

She wanted to know what I thought.

Initially I was intrigued but uncomfortable. While forthright girls wanting to help others about a topic most are uncomfortable about seemed commendable on the surface, the down sides were plentiful. First, I wondered if the videos were factually correct, if knowledgeable adults were overseeing the projects--misinformation, especially to an impressionable audience, is remarkably difficult to correct. I spent my entire life not swimming when I had my period because of something my best friend told me when I was 11. And as the mother of a tween, I wondered if posting about a subject most are squeamish about was fodder for cyber-bullying. Cruelty amongst teenagers has more forums than ever before with a public stage that can reach millions. And then there are predators, voyeurs and pedophiles who could watch these whenever they wanted, easily replacing that image of a tampon being thrust down a young girl's throat with something else. But, now that many schools pushing sex ed back--in NYC public schools it's not part of the mandatory curriculum until eighth grade, when many kids are already active, perhaps kids educating each other might not be such a bad idea.

And so, I watched. My initial reserve was spot on.

The first video featured a giggly teen with a mouth full of braces, using her mouth as a vagina stand-in. With her head tipped back, easing a tampon down to the back of her mouth, string hanging out, another girl narrated basic how-to's. While the information was surprisingly good, the video ended with the girl's exclaiming about how gross the blood was, how everything should be kept a secret, how you should make sure no one ever knew you had your period.

Shame was the take away message. The next video featured a girl thrusting a tampon up her nose, with most of the information about what brand to use and which to avoid. The third focused on a tampon being thrust at a jeans-clad crotch in what looked to be a public bathroom. The filmmakers were too busy shrieking to actually say anything helpful.

I stopped watching. And started thinking.

Just because these avenues of communication are available, it doesn't mean everyone should have unmonitored, open-ended access. And just because information is easily available with a Google search and the click of a mouse it doesn't mean it's correct. Or appropriate. Kids growing up with cyberspace as their backyard need guidance from grownups, from parents, from educators, which can be a daunting challenge for us because this is a vastly different world from the one we grew up in.

As a parent, hey, as an adult in a society where sharing more is the norm, we need to more closely monitor exactly what it is these kids are sharing. ]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2010:/theblog//3.676461 2010-08-11T15:53:00-04:00 2011-11-17T09:02:45-05:00

Elissa Stein http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elissa-stein/ New York Times the onset of puberty is apparent in even younger girls than ever before--noticeable breast development in children as young as 7. I have a 12-year-old daughter and while I've been forbidden to write specifically about her (that agreement came about while working on FLOW: the Cultural Story of Menstruation), I can comfortably say that 7 year olds are in first grade. Many first graders are just learning to read, to function in a social and educational environment, experiencing more independence from their families than they have in the past. First graders often struggle with the responsibility of first homework assignments and making their own beds. First grade girls often do art projects involving fairies. Many still embrace pink, American Girl dolls, and iCarly. Yes, these are the broadest of generalizations, but the point is that 7 year olds are kids. Young kids. Far too young to be experiencing hormonal shifts and budding breasts.

Why is this a concern? How about unprovoked advances from the opposite sex that a preteen girl is incapable of dealing with. Or perhaps an increased risk of breast cancer, as these girls will be exposed to more estrogen and progesterone over their lifetimes. Then there are sexual impulses that come with puberty that are hard enough to handle at 12 or 13. Or being thrown into the lion's den of body image issues before they're emotionally capable of coping.

What's even more disturbing is that no one knows quite why this is happening. Obesity seems to have something to do with it. Race seems to be another factor. And then there's the environmental question as in what chemicals our children have been exposed to that could potentially jump start puberty before its time. Or what we, as mothers, had in our systems that could have affected our children, either during pregnancy or through breast milk.

There are no answers. Yet. But every parent should make it their responsibility to stay aware of how the changes in our environment are changing us.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2010:/theblog//3.640771 2010-07-09T12:47:25-04:00 2011-05-25T17:00:24-04:00

Elissa Stein http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elissa-stein/
His impending decision was treated as though it were news of epic proportion. But, it wasn't news. The countless hours, endless words spent on discussion were nothing but speculation. Opinion. Expounding on rumors, subjective points of view. Wishful thinking.

Very often, too often, that's what is considered news these days. From fluff, like why Prince William hasn't proposed to Kate Middleton or who's the next down and out celebrity to rehab in public, to who's responsible for the BP disaster or what Republicans are saying about Elena Kagan -- these stories, or should I say "stories" aren't stories at all. They're filler. Facts get overwhelmed by spin. News gets trumped by gossip. Because, honestly, that's so much of what media's about these days.

For example: the lastest Bachelor debacle. First of all, it was a reality show. Or should I say (sorry, I can't help myself) "reality" show. Jake made his choice. He and Vienna broke up. And yet, the aftermath has filled numerous news cycles. He said/she said. Friends said. Acquaintances said. Innuendo. Hearsay. While I've never watched the show, basic details are at my fingertips. More news that's not news seeping into my consciousness, whether I want it to or not.

Kate Gosselin's hair styles, not to mention her fox trots were considered news worthy. So were descriptions of John Edward's sex tape. And this isn't just coverage by trashy magazines anymore. Everyone's jumped on the speculation bandwagon to a certain degree.

I don't want to know the latest Kardashian situation. I'm not interested in Tom Cruises' religious beliefs (ok, I'm occasionally interested in a road kill sort of way). And I truly don't care about anything Sarah Palin has to say. But these "news" stories have become the fabric of communication. What does that say about us as a society? And what is it doing to you, to me?

It's scary to entertain that question for more than a few seconds. But, I don't have to. I can, instead, read about Lady Gaga's sexual preferences, Kate Hudson's supposed breast implants or Droid phone domination.


]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2010:/theblog//3.587543 2010-05-27T11:25:52-04:00 2011-05-25T16:35:20-04:00

Elissa Stein http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elissa-stein/
But, who's writing about the writers? Without them, there wouldn't be books. They are the idea generators whose hard work, hopes and dreams are poured into the pages of every book thumbed through in a store or glanced at online. Each book in the world started as a spark, a concept and was mulled over, pondered, conceptualized. Every one of them took time, energy, effort, imagination, sometimes blind faith in the face of rampant negativity (yes, that was a personal note), to bring it to someone's attention. Proposals were written, agents contacted, editors pitched. And far more often than not, there's rejection to contend with.

But, to be published, to be listed at the Library of Congress, to have a page at Amazon is a thrill. Somehow, when that first crisp copy arrives, the countless edits, cover issues, missed deadlines, confusion, frustration, pain, drama, and anxiety are generally worth it. At that point, the publisher takes over with advertising and marketing support, helping the book find it's way into the world, hopefully to find healthy sales and a home on their backlist. Authors
are supported, nurtured, groomed. Tours are booked, displays are created, campaigns are launched.

Oh wait, that's not how it works anymore. At least if you're not already a best-selling author.

At the moment, authors now take on many of the roles publishers used to fill. My latest book, FLOW: the Cultural Story of Menstruation(with Susan Kim) came out last November and I found myself, almost overnight, working as its full time publicist, something I had no experience with whatsoever. While my publisher was terrific--they created a stunning book I couldn't be more proud of, contacted the media, and followed up on every lead I came up with, I did a huge share of the work. FLOW has a website and a Facebook fanpage, I have personal ones as well and do maintenance and updates on all. I'm on twitter every day and have amassed thousands of followers who enthusiastically shared FLOW's saga. I wrote, art directed, and produced promo films, which reside on their own youtube channel. I blog every single day. I also took a deep breath, forced myself to overcome shyness and unease and asked everyone I know, who they knew and how they could help me. That led to a launch party at Rizzoli's, an appearance on Dr. Oz's radio show, an entire segment on The View--Whoopi closed the show telling the audience they needed to buy FLOW for everyone they know. That appearance created a 12,889% jump in Amazon sales that day. Grassroots supporters took it on, with book bloggers writing reviews, challenging their followers to read it, running independent contests. I did online, radio, and print interviews, local and national TV, guest blog posts, book signings, even a college lecture. Except for Oprah recommending it as a book pick, or a New York Times review, it would be hard to imagine a more fantastic launch towards a successful
future.

And yet--six months later FLOW's been pulled from most bookstores to make room for new titles. While sales have been slow and steady since publication, the term "best-seller," or probably even good seller is in no way applicable. My agent and I parted ways months ago and my publisher's not asking to see what's next. After all the hoopla and press, energy expended and book hype created, I'm back to square one, hoping someone will take time to look at my next proposal and want to make one of my ideas a reality.

Here's the deal: authors are more than business plans, projections, catalog copy, sales conference fodder. These books we slave over are our creativity, our vision, an extension of ourselves. But in this environment, an original and important idea, a beautifully designed package, great reviews, media interest, fan support, and PR around the clock don't cut it.

I'm having trouble starting on my next project, not sure I can handle the reality of publishing's questionable future, the shifting marketplace, the endless hats I have to wear besides that of writer, and the ego crushing reality of how difficult it is to be heard these days.
]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2010:/theblog//3.569340 2010-05-13T11:45:00-04:00 2011-11-17T09:02:45-05:00

Elissa Stein http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elissa-stein/ "I can't wait to taste your muffin."

Last night, Betty White chattered away with Ana Gasteyer and Molly Shannon, the faux NPR hosts of Saturday Night Live's The Delicious Dish about muffins. Eating muffins. Warm, moist muffins. Velvety, yummy muffins. Sometimes finding them salty. Others that are yeasty. Muffins that get crusty as they get older. And how Betty's muffin had been cherry free for decades, was now dusty, not to mention bigger than ever. The barely subtle oral sex innuendo was over-the-top, jam-packed, juvenile, silly, at times making me cringe, others laugh out loud. It was a one joke skit that that was milked for as long as possible.

The brilliance hit me this morning.

Even though Betty White announced mid sketch (as she did throughout the evening), that she was 88 and a half, her age didn't matter. Her timing did. Her dry wit. The expectant pauses before she delivered yet another suggestive line. She was funny. Commanding. Professional. Believable. Talking cunnilingus live on national TV. Not in the least what you'd expect someone her age to be casually discussing.

Which leads me to what we expect older people to be talking about. Unless it's the brunt of a viagra joke, no one's thinking senior citizens and sex. Most of us view getting older with dread, with fear, a relatively steady decline into disease and dementia. Or if not that extreme, then at least trepidation of wrinkles, of memory loss, of losing our vitality, viability, of becoming invisible in a society that celebrates youth.

But it's not just celebrating, we're sold youth. With age-defying make-up, lipstick that gives you a pout that last for hours, mascara that thickens your eyelashes. Injections to smooth out wrinkles. Surgeries to suck out fat. Vitamins that promise anything from memory boosts to healthier digestive systems. Hair plugs, colors, treatments. Baby food diets. Magazines that feature interchangeable chicklets in skimpy bathing suits sharing their diet and exercise tips.

The success of movies that star over 50 stars like Diane Keaton and Meryl Streep looking for love are such a surprise to the industry but why? We're all aging folks. Every day. And just because we'll never be 24 again doesn't mean we stop thinking about flirting, sex, body image, confidence. Why are are gray hair and wrinkles relegated to pharmaceutical advertising for heart disease and sexual dysfunction? It's time we stop treating older people as if they're past their prime.

Far more of them are better than they ever have been.

Thank you Betty for reminding us age doesn't matter.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2010:/theblog//3.566279 2010-05-10T12:30:00-04:00 2011-11-17T09:02:45-05:00

Elissa Stein http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elissa-stein/
That wasn't all that long ago.

Today, birth control pills are so much more than just birth control. From the beginning, in fact, before they were official sold for pregnancy prevention, doctors prescribed them for menstrual management, to minimize debilitating cramps, to staunch overwhelming flow. And the pill is still often prescribed for that. I started taking them at 16, after spending four days a month wrapped around a hot water bottle, pain ripping through my abdomen. Long before sex was even a nascent thought, I started on my first pill pack and spent the next 10 years not suffering as I had been. So, thank you pill. You kept my cramps from taking over my life.

But recently, the pill has started wearing a new hat: that of lifestyle choice. Not only can pregnancy be avoided and cramps relegated to a distant memory, menstruation itself is in jeopardy. Re-branding the pill as menstrual suppression means it's far easier to advertise than straight up birth control and pharmaceutical companies are making the argument, in TV commercials, online, and in print, that periods should be a thing of the past. Why worry about a ruined yoga class, an interrupted weekend away, why suffer from PMS and perimenopausal symptoms, why subject yourself to "anger, irritability, feeling anxious, headaches, muscle aches, changes in appetite" (symptoms of PMDD, which Yaz claims their pill can help eradicate) if you can avoid them?

Good question. But here's another valid one: what does years and years of taking chemicals do to our bodies in the long run? Yes, the pill's now been around long enough to see long-term results. But, every body is different. And as our environment changes, as more and more people opt for long-term lifestyle medications, as our diets contain more and more additives, how are we internally dealing with that potentially toxic mix?

Something to think about.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2010:/theblog//3.568704 2010-05-07T22:39:27-04:00 2011-11-17T09:02:45-05:00

Elissa Stein http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elissa-stein/
Just got a fuzzy blanket and water request. Be right back.

Sorry it took so long. Had to do a quick search for the second Harry Potter and a missing toothbrush.

Today I read a blog post about the pain of Mother's Day for someone who can't be a biological mother. The writer had been trying for years to conceive and was finally accepting pregnancy wasn't in her cards. Her childhood memories of making pancakes for her own mother, decorating handmade cards, spending the lazy afternoon with grandmothers and aunts and cousins who traveled to be together stung as she and her husband had only each other. How it hurt to be in restaurants watching families celebrate. How much she missed her own mother, who was thousands of miles away. How the rituals of the day, the ceremony, the formal cards and flowers were salt on her very raw wounds. I had such a hard time leaving a comment, and ended up just thanking her for her honesty in sharing feelings most of us don't hear.

It got me thinking about the institution of Mother's Day. I'm not a supporter -- not of the traditional Hallmark way we're supposed to celebrate. I'm not looking for cards or gifts. I don't want a fancy brunch, a corsage, to have to dress up. I have no expectations (well, almost none) of a crisp and shiny day of family perfection with me as the adored queen, perched on a pedestal.

My mother's day is every day.

When my kids say thank you with no prompting. Hold the door for someone instead of barreling through. When they give a seat on the bus to the mom with the toddler and stroller who looks too tired to carry both.

When Jack asks to read to me every night.

When Izzy hugs me in front of her friends.

When they smile at me in the yard after school.

When they tell me that they love me. Whether or not I said it first.

It's not that one day that counts. It's the experience.
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