James M. Lynch

Thanksgiving: Pay it Forward

2009-11-24T18:10:49-05:00

Yes, officially I've used Pay it Forward already, kind of, in the piece on the Starbucks coffee line back in May of this year, but this is different. By the way, one site picked up that 'Paying it Behind' theme and it got 1,300 hits and I got a lot of contact directly from people who were 'treated' along the way. My wife even got a cup of coffee out of it, too, but so far I'm still waiting for my turn.

This piece is a little different, though, and it is timely due to the coming holiday of Thanksgiving. There are a lot of great ideas about how to be grateful, thankful and enjoy this holiday to the fullest. One of my favorite posts so far was last week by my friend and colleague, Dr. Judith Rich, and if you haven't read it yet, go ahead: I'll wait.

If you've read it, let's continue.

Last Thanksgiving I created a new pre-dinner ritual and it created a bit of a stir but also a lot of thought and success. I haven't seen anyone else writing about it so I'll share it here and hope it profits you.

Before our meal last year I asked everyone to share what they were thankful for during the meal, including any thanks they had for any member of the dinner party. But before thanking anyone for the past year's events I invited everyone to 'pay it forward' by looking into this Thanksgiving. In other words in 2008, we were looking into 2009.

I asked our guests to consider what they would be thankful for in a year; what would be an accomplishment that they would have achieved, by being committed and taking intentional actions for the whole year. We were, in a sense, looking into our crystal balls and seeing what we would accomplish.

It was very interesting to hear each person share what they were committed to, what they would be looking back on with pride this year and envisioning the year they would have. The energy around it was great and it created a lot of support and encouragement for the coming months.

The 'stir' it caused was that some of the people at the table had conflicting goals for each other. 'If that's your goal, what about the goal we have together?' came up after the fact. That's a possible consequence to take into consideration but it is why we need to speak our goals out loud.

Speaking goals out loud starts the process of 'making them real', as people do with 'declarations' and as part of 'success teams' or even setting business or sales goals at corporate retreats. Speaking them out also engages others who might be able to support you or encourage you along the way.

Speaking them out loud also can be the 'line in the sand' that helps you get out of your head and into action. The 'great ideas with no action' syndrome is so prevalent that any support or 'kick start' you can get will help along the way.

So here is my Thanksgiving challenge to all of you: What is it that you will be looking back at during Thanksgiving 2010 and saying 'thanks for'? What will you have created or achieved, what personal growth or new way of being will you be celebrating and giving thanks for in 2010 and sharing with your friends and family as what you are thankful for?

Many of our dinner guests this Thanksgiving were with us last year and this Thursday we'll check in on what they said then and how that worked out for them. We'll also be creating new 'Thanks-giving' opportunities for the year ahead.

I invite you all to create this 'thankful future', for yourself and for those you share Thanksgiving with this year. Please share your ideas and predictions here as a comment or meet and discuss with others on a forum called 'Thanks-giving 2010' at http://www.doityourselflifecoach.com. Let's create a 'virtual feast' of great things in the year to come and move powerfully into what could be for all of us and the rest of the world.

Thanks and blessings to all of you and all of yours.

Dickensian Slavery: The Real Expense of the Recession

2009-11-08T18:36:02-05:00

About 18 months ago I got the appointment notice to meet on a Friday morning with the president of our small company. No 'early warning' sign went up that it was a Friday morning meeting with no 'subject' line and it had come via email, not personally. We worked closely together, I was the Chief Training Officer and previously General Manager, and I didn't even think it odd when the Human Resources Director sat in on the meeting as the three of us had many overlapping projects on our lists.

What followed that morning was the 'we're eliminating your position' speech which is basically the 'pack your bags' speech. There was no surprise in it, really, as we'd just been sold to a multinational and they'd been back and forth meeting with senior executives but not inviting me to the meetings. "We're not ready for you yet", they'd said.

In fact, I'd been pretty eager to leave for a while since I'd already started my own coaching and consulting business on the 'outside' and was even given incentive to stay on through the sale. Through negotiation with the former owner I was admittedly expensive to the new owners with one month of vacation a year and 65 paid leave days, plus the usual sick and holiday days; I might have just painted a target on my back!

I knew there was no problem with my performance; in fact my reputation and reviews were excellent and I was held in high regard by all employees. I'd just outlived my era. I had heard a remark the new owners had made about my responsibilities: they understood that I was in charge of 'training', but what the heck was "cultural development." Cultural development, by the way, was one of the things we did so well at that company and one of the main reasons that we grew 500% in less than 9 years, growing from a small regional player to unchallenged industry leader. Surveys conducted amongst our employees, in fact, always cited 'culture' as one of our strengths and the reason employees were loyal to and passionate about our company.

In a kind of out of body way I listened to two of my friends 'handle' my termination using a script that I myself had written for such purposes to make sure that exiting employees were treated with care and respect. I watched the events and my internal dialogue said, "Great! Now when I'm coaching other laid off execs I'll be able to speak from experience!' But along with my 'distance' came the realization that I was only the first of many to go. The realization came that we had, despite our best efforts, let the foxes into the hen house.

A year and a half later I still hear from former employees of this company, mostly to provide references as they search for work or to ask for coaching as they begin to re-start their careers. I do what I can for them and I do it for free out of loyalty to people whom I considered family. We had created something rare, including a volunteer committee that held major events monthly. We went from a thriving community of people with a goal, identity and pride to a skeleton crew of 'survivors', managed like machines, stripped of their individuality and certainly not encouraged to bring their creativity to the workplace.

We were the example of a company built on honoring the employee, embracing change, staying flexible no matter what, where the owner would forgo her own salary if we ever had a slump in revenue rather than lay off even a single employee, to being one of the many companies where "profit is king." No complaint against profit, by the way, but at what 'expense'?

Following me out the door were the COO and the Executive VP in charge of Sales and what followed in 18 months was that the workforce has been cut by more than half. The result in this company, as in so many others, is that in the face of the highest rate of employment since Michael Jackson released Thriller, employees are now facing the same fear that Bob Cratchit faced every time he asked Mr. Scrooge for a Christmas day off: "You're lucky to have a job at all".

The real result of this recession is that the employee has become afraid, has become dis-empowered and, in the words of so many who contact me about their work woes, "I just keep my head down and hope not to get fired." We've headed back to the workhouse atmosphere of Dickensian England and the view of employee as dispensable 'tool' has returned.

I have created a website to offer free coaching, including a basic model that anyone can use to 'self coach' themselves out of any situation and it even has a community where people can create discussions in forums, topics and network for jobs or just challenge others in groups to "get up to something good." Check it out at www.doityourselflifecoach.com.

If you're in the Chicagoland area on November 17, you can join the live workshop at the Lake County Prosperity Forum and network with entrepreneurs and meet small business owners looking for talented new people, or compare notes with others 'in transition.' Find out more about that event at http://vision-2020.net/next-conference. There is a charge for the event but it includes lunch, power networking and I'm giving away a free e-copy of my book, The Hamlet Secret: a self-directed (Shakespearean) Workbook for living a passionate, joy-filled life, to all registrants.

The transformation that Scrooge had, to a caring, respecting and munificent business owner was the fiction; the transformation of millions of Americans into fearful, exploited Bob Cratchit is the fact. The pendulum needn't swing too far either way: the employee can't hold their production 'hostage' any more than the employer should hold the 10.2% unemployment rate as their mandate to turn workers into gerbils in a cage.

I'd like to hear from more of you, on either side of the matter, and I'd love especially to hear about those who are working in environments where the front line employees are honored and rewarded for their efforts. My thanks to all of you who have contacted me about the fears and concerns you have in this urgent matter; there's work to be done about "work."

The Hamlet Secret: Joyful Living!

2009-10-09T12:35:12-04:00

This week I'm 'out and about' so I'm sharing a chapter from my book, The Hamlet Secret: A Self-Directed (Shakespearean) Workbook for Living a Passionate, Joy-Filled Life.

The format of the book includes quotes from the world's most famous play, as if the world's most famous playwright did in fact leave us a series of 'secret' messages buried in his text. I then 'translate' the quote into a life coaching lesson and add an exercise to 'land' the message. Here's the excerpt and I hope you enjoy it.

The time is out of joint. O, cursed spite, that ever I was born to set it right.
Hamlet, Act I, Scene V

Take responsibility for change in the world.

Mahatma K. Gandhi said, "You must be the change you wish to see in world," and there is no more damning indictment in the world. In this scene Hamlet gets it that he's been hiding from life, from the truth, from the responsibility of action, and he's been called on it. It's a play, by the way, and you may not get a chance for your dead father the king to come back as a ghost and kick you into action. Instead you could move to "The Land of 100 Percent Responsibility." Here's how to get there.

The Land of 100 Percent Responsibility is a made-up world; it's not true, it's not real, and you will argue with me, unless you get it, that it is a place to "come from" or be but not a literal occurrence. Simply stated: it is all YOU, no matter what. Whatever the result, whatever happened, it is all your "fault" (read "responsibility"). By adopting this stance, you become empowered to take on any situation no matter what. Let's say you ask someone to bring home milk, eggs, and flour and he or she forgets, even though you wrote the list down and stuck it in his or her pocket. You have the option of being upset, blaming the person, reinforcing whatever negative opinion you have of him or her (gathering evidence is always GREAT) or taking 100 percent responsibility for the event. In the non-make believe world you are right that you took appropriate action if you say, "Well, I wrote it down and stuck it in his (or her) pocket and he (or she) still screwed it up." You would have the right to be disappointed--but you would still be out of milk, eggs, and flour. Taking 100 percent responsibility gives you the chance to consider how this could have happened and how you can assure that in the future you'll get what you need, when you need it, with as much of a guarantee as is possible in this world.

Consider this: when you are driving down the road and someone pulls ahead of you and into your lane, cutting you off, and you have an accident, the other driver is clearly to blame. But you BOTH have dents in your car, right?

Out of Joint Exercise:
Do this writing exercise in your journal. Take a simple breakdown that has occurred lately to The Land of 100 Percent Responsibility and, no matter how far you have to reach, figure out how you yourself caused it. See if you can find a solution you previously didn't think possible. Be super creative and, remember, this is not a reality-based exercise (though the solutions I've come up with using this seem to be very practical and real). If you do this a few times you may, like Hamlet, see that you have been choosing to bury your head in the sand and not seeing what needs doing. You may be "bearing those ills" instead of being in appropriate action. The time is "out of joint," and it is up to you to set it right. And the time will always be "out of joint" even though the world is just perfect as it is, as there is something for you to care about and care for: people, places, or things. It is time for you to consider the Jewish "tikkun olam" principle of "healing the world" as each and every individual's task here on earth. And don't forget that taking 100 percent responsibility for your life is a happy task, one that gives joy, returns more energy to you than what you expend. It is a key to happiness in this life, and this is the only life we know for sure, isn't it?

This excerpt is from The Hamlet Secret and you can find it on major online book sellers, including Amazon if you're interested. If you're interested but can't afford a copy (about $16), email me at James@starofyourownlife.com and I'll arrange to get a copy to you.

See you next week!

Are You an Internet Addict?

2009-09-23T15:14:55-04:00

I went to the movies the other day and noticed that instead of just the usual courtesy request for people to turn off their cell phones during the movie, additional wording has been added to prohibit texting during a movie. I immediately thought that somewhere in the movie theatre some teen's face was reflected in green or blue radiance from their personal communication device as they texted: "OMG, at movies n they sd no txting during show! WTF! LOL!" or something shorter and more code-like. But this affliction isn't just for teens anymore.

Even sitting over coffee with a friend or a coaching client we're constantly interrupted by phone calls and the quick 'check' to see if it's a call they'll take or one they'll ignore. Then there's the buzz, beep or vibration that alerts the cell owner to an incoming e-mail. I thought mail was to be opened and answered at the viewer's discretion, not treated like a missed phone call! Add to this blitz the instant messages and texts that are kind of like talking but instead of speech, we type, and we misspell and abbreviate to the point we need to learn a new language which looks etymologically like it came from early license plate code much the same way that English has roots in Greek, Latin and a few other languages.

Just this past Sunday I came home from a charity event and found out that another person in attendance was taking photos with their camera and pasting them up on Facebook in real time, like a reality show or some sort of cultural anthropologist reporting on the mysterious meetings of suburban families to walk for any cause that's affected them or their families. This same person is known to make comments on Facebook at 3 or 4 AM when they can't sleep or to report that someone isn't returning their phone calls with the additional symbol of a 'sad face' using parentheses and a colon for emphasis. I'm sympathetic as the next person, but is a headache or your child's upset stomach a newsworthy event that the other 8 zillion subscribers to your social network are waiting for are update on?

So does this preoccupation qualify as an 'addiction'? Addiction is defined on Thefreedictionary.com as: "Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance." That would include those who get emotionally distraught when texts and emails aren't returned almost immediately or who check emails while at social events. The level of compulsion for this activity rests in the same pleasure centers of the brain as do other addictions like gambling, narcotics and alcohol so my vote is 'yes', the preoccupation is an addiction or at least the early warning signs of one.

"The very nature of the Internet also lends itself to overuse and abuse, encouraging us to exhibit behaviors that are counterproductive, isolating and disruptive to our closet relationships...to ourselves, our families, our employers and the community at large" says Dr. Dave Greenfield of The Center for Internet and Technology Addiction.

Now do I picture people holed up in a padded room, chained to a bed while some sympathetic therapist wipes their fevered brow with a damp cloth as they 'kick' their Twitter dependency? Not really. But a little research shows that extremes are being met and that the threat is real: in China one-third of high school aged children studied showed signs of addiction, including paranoia, when they were without their phones, and two-thirds were "constantly worried" that they would miss a text message when their phones were off. It could get worse, yes, but must it?

As a coach I am offering these tips to you, if you even suspect you are becoming dependent on your cell phone and social networking outlets. Share them with those you are concerned about and please realize, we might laugh about it, but it's not a joke by any means.

Tips to achieve balance from a coaching perspective:

Start your day working on a project instead of on the internet or e-mail. This one adjustment increased my production by an incalculable amount. When I turn on my computer in the morning I spend the first hour working on my most urgent assignments or tasks. After I have moved the project forward or accomplished that day's task I check e-mails and communications.

Schedule your email and internet use. This is often the toughest thing to put in place with my clients. I suggest that they plan out 2-3 times a day when they'll check their internet and messaging devices and outlets. This discipline can give you back the sense of control of your schedule that constant instant access has robbed from you. Try it for a week and see for yourself.

Share your schedule with others. My personal e-mail signature lets everyone know that I only check e-mail once or twice a day and instructs them to call me on my cell if it is an urgent matter. You are training people how to best work with you and again, it gives you back some sense of control of your schedule.

Work your focus 'muscle' little by little. If you are easily distracted, try starting small 'focus workouts', 15 minute blocks of time when you work on just one thing with no distractions. After a while, like a week or two, up that time to 30 minutes and build progressively. By the way (BTW in 'text speak'), even the most 'focus muscled' mind needs a break about every 90 minutes on average to operate at peak capacity so take frequent breaks, but real breaks, where you rest and recharge your brain.

Create 'free zones' or places you won't use the internet or where you'll limit its use. For example, during work hours turn off your personal cell and avoid your personal e-mails. If you're getting personal e-mails and texts at work then your production is going to slip and you are ripping off your employer - if you work for yourself this is doubly true!

Get help. Seriously, if your texting, e-mailing and internet use has passed the level of socially acceptable behavior and is replacing or endangering your relationships or work then you need to take action now. Ironically, searching the web for internet addiction resources can be a healthy step and there are many to choose from. But start with a friend, a live one, in a live conversation, and tell them of your concern and ask for support. Try the Center for Internet Addiction as I've mentioned above at http://www.virtual-addiction.com/.

I realize that this message is going out via the Internet and will be Tweeted, Buzzed up, Digg'd, posted on Facebook, etc. and there's a certain irony in that. What we're talking is not abstinence or burying your head in the sand to avoid the 'demon technology' or any other doomsday message. What I'm talking about is balance. As the Roman dramatist Terence remarked, "Moderation in all things."

I have to go now; I've used up my Internet allotment!

Health Care Reform: The New Promised Land

2009-09-07T21:12:40-04:00

The other day I missed a notice on Facebook to paste the following onto my FB status page: "No one should die because they cannot afford health care, and no one should go broke because they get sick." I don't know if this virtual social activism achieved anything, but it was the tipping point for me to share this story and weigh in with my support for health care reform.

A few thousand years ago, after escaping enslavement in Egypt and enduring the challenges and hardship of life in the desert, the Israelites finally arrived at the border of Canaan -- the Promised Land. In preparation for fulfilling their destiny as a nation, Moses picked one leader from each of the 12 tribes to scout ahead and bring back a report on this new land.

These leaders, referred to as 'the twelve spies', returned from their Canaan 'junket' after 40 days and filed their report. They had observed great abundance, huge and plentiful fruits, strong and healthy people who were like giants to the Israelites and, in general, a land that was indeed flowing with milk and honey. The land they described was the fulfillment of a vision, long sought after, sacrificed and fought for.

However, instead of celebrating the abundance and possibility that was now in reach, 10 of these spies interpreted the evidence as reasons NOT to enter the land of Canaan. They ignored the mandate of the people, not to mention G-d, to 'spy out' the land as an inevitable reward for all of the obstacles and trials of the past and embraced instead their own fears and superstitions. They reported that the challenges of conquering this new land were overwhelming and not to be taken on. Their recommendation was to turn and run as fast as possible, even back to enslavement in Egypt if necessary, because slavery, according to them, was better than death.

Further sensing the people's fears and emboldened by their newfound ability to sway public opinion, these 10 tribal leaders continued to ply their case 'offline' around campfires and in small groups, the social networks of the day. Gossip, half truths and misinterpretations became their tools to convince the rest of the nation to also be afraid and to keep things as they were rather than take the risks associated with the unknown and unproven. They built consensus by stoking the fires of fear and criticizing any leadership that would dare to put them at such a grave and perilous risk. That was 10 of the 12's course of action.

Two other of the spies from other tribes, Caleb and Joshua, were in opposition to their 10 fellows. They spoke of the possibilities of the land, the future benefit to all and encouraged the nation to move ahead. They told of the huge fruits, the health of the present inhabitants and embraced the vision of prosperity and abundance for all. What they saw and what they related, they thought, was in keeping with the founding principles of the nation and an obvious next step in their collective vision. They knew that the people could and would find and answer to any and all obstacles.

Not willing to shift from their position, the other 10 spies countered the influence of Caleb and Joshua, propping up other leaders to reinforce the story of the monstrous and fearsome giants to which the people of Israel would be like grasshoppers, in peril of their lives. The people, their confidence already shaken by the thought of one more obstacle, became convinced of the dangers and Joshua and Caleb were attacked and condemned by the crowds.

In those times the connection and interaction with G-d was still a pretty direct one and, observing this turn of events, G-d was tempted to find another people, one that would have the courage of their convictions, for Moses to lead. Moses intervened and, once again, asked G-d for patience with these people. G-d acquiesced but, he said, there would be consequences.

The 10 leaders would be struck down with plagues and die, not instantly, but after time to reflect on their actions and consider their punishment for their misdeeds. The generation who doubted and hesitated would be sent back into the desert one year for every day that the spies had been in Canaan, until the elders of that generation had passed away (hence the 40 years of wandering). Caleb and Joshua would be rewarded with leadership positions; in fact Joshua would be Moses' heir and lead the people into Israel as fulfillment of their national destiny. Forty years passed and many suffered and died because of the fear, selfishness, and harmful rhetoric of a few.

Now if you're unfamiliar with this story you may see the leaders' punishment as harsh; especially if you think that their only sin was in advocating caution and fear, but that's not the case. If you read closely you'll see that Moses hadn't picked one person from each tribe at random. He very specifically chose tribal LEADERS; those whose abilities, talents and tenor came with the expectations and responsibilities of their positions. Their sin was not solely in recommending caution or advocating Moses to find another homeland, it was in the means they used to influence opinion. They used gossip, rumors and fear mongering in a campaign meant to cripple a possible breakthrough move for the nation, one in keeping with their purpose and identity. They didn't just fail as individuals; they failed in their roles and responsibilities to their nation.

The people were punished for their sheepishness, their ability to be swayed by the errant leaders and their valuing their own individual security over the benefit of all. They had fallen for the 'monstrous and fearsome giants' smokescreen and lost track of the general and more urgent matter of a national purpose and the values they'd been espousing as they developed their vision. The people were punished for letting others do their thinking for them, for focusing on what could go wrong rather than on what was the right thing to do.

On a national level we are witnessing the modern smoke screens: so called 'death panels', threats to quality care and free enterprise and the like. Our job as a modern, educated and progressive nation is to seek out the truth and to weigh the issues on their merits. Our job is to move into that Promised Land where no one dies because they cannot afford health care, and where no one should goes broke because they get sick.

And this Promised Land, by the way, is not my distant observation as much as it is my real and unfortunate experience. My own father died 40 years ago last month of cancer at about the same age as I am now. The cost of fighting hopelessly for his life bankrupted us, ate up my parents' life savings and our education funds. In order to feed us and pay the mounting bills my mother borrowed heavily on my father's life insurance until it ran out. When my father died we were left in insurmountable, unrecoverable debt and we did, literally, go broke because he got sick.

My father, Thomas R. Lynch, was a union man, a church sexton, a civil defense volunteer, a member of the Knights of Columbus, a devoted husband, a loving father of fourteen and an eleven year old boy's hero and best friend. There was no way he deserved what he, and we his family, suffered because of illness. Forty years later I'm done with the desert and on his behalf I call out: "No one should die because they cannot afford health care, and no one should go broke because they get sick."

Here he is: Thomas R. Lynch:

1000 Journals and the Capacity for Hope

2009-09-01T12:51:00-04:00

What can one person do to change the world? How about add inspiration, beauty and create a community at the same time? Not bad for "some guy," eh?

A few years ago a friend handed me a partially finished journal and told me it was a collaborative journal being written by friends and strangers and, when completed, would be sent as a gift to a soldier in Iraq. My friend told me to add any image I'd like and then pass it back to him so he could get it to the next person, etc. until it was full of materials. Then the plan was that a journalist would sneak this book into Iraq and hand it over to the soldier.

I loved the intrigue and am a part-time artist so I added a figure that I thought would be a positive image, a yellow "dancing man" figure with the words "live" and "dance" written over the top. I didn't know it at the time but I was becoming part of one of the biggest art projects I've ever seen.

The real story behind the journal was that it was one of 1000 journals that an artist, known only as "Some Guy," had mailed, left or handed over in some form or another with the instructions: "Contribute something to the journal and then pass it on to someone else." One thousand journals made their way around the world, from hand to hand, sometimes randomly, sometimes, as in my case, friend to friend, and in at least one case, by mugging!

One at a time in the summer of 2000 Some Guy distributed the journals, thinking if he sent enough of them that he was bound to get at least one back. Finally, in 2003, one journal was returned after a visit to 13 US states, Ireland and Brazil. By then the word had spread further than just the "underground" and people were asking friends for journals: Do you have one, have you seen one, where can I get my hands on one? The three people I know who'd contributed were contacted and scheduled to be interviewed by filmmaker Andrea Kreuzhage (we didn't make the final cut though in one montage you can see my contributed image), who was traveling the world to interview contributors to this project.

The results, at least to date, are that 235 journals have been returned and the project isn't over yet. Articles have been written, new projects have grown from it and the movie has been released as a video, available at Amazon.com here. According to creator "Some Guy," the pages of the journals are filled with "amazing artwork, secret confessions, political rants and everything in between" and you can review the images on their home site: http://1000journals.com/.

So what do I love about it? Aside from the small footnote on my artist's resume that I'm in the project, I love the hope of it all. Here's a guy with a crazy idea, one that most people would say "that's crazy" to and yet he's done it and involved thousands, inspired millions and the project isn't over yet. The agenda was: here's a blank page, please fill it in, pass it on and return it to me. It's simple, straightforward, open and effective.

Not to mention that I love ideas that change the world and create a greater connection and a deeper experience of this life we're living. I love the belief that each of us has in us a genius waiting for expression and a venue if we just look far enough within. I know that all the challenges we're facing right now are linked into this, what my wife and I were calling this "capacity for hope" that Some Guy exhibits when he dreams up a crazy project like this one and actually makes it happen!

So, with no disrespect to the book of a similar title, I'm creating a project that, for now, is called The Capacity for Hope. It came about as my wife and I were taking a walk and discussing all of the crazy s@#t going on with our friends, neighbors and family lately: Divorces, foreclosures, bankruptcies and other issues, all in some way blamed on the economy or some other external force, but all of them creating real and, in many cases, frightening results.

I'm offering a free ongoing seminar, starting in September, for a limited amount of people, to offer ideas on how to overcome the negative influences, to find and get support from others who are struggling and in general to take on creating a positive shift in the world around us. The seminar will be held in the Chicago area for now and we'll see how it grows organically before considering, like Some Guy, to release it virally throughout the world. It may seem crazy but it's no crazier than reading headlines, voicing an opinion and waiting for things to change because it's "been long enough." It's time to roll up our collective sleeves and get into action, not our elected representatives, not our business leaders, and the "others" we put expectations and hopes in when things are too big for us. It's time for US to do what we can and offer the skills that we have in the service of hope and I'm starting with this project, this capacity we all have to give, receive and live in hope (plus action).

If you're in the Chicago area and are interested in attending this ongoing seminar, at no cost, contact me at James@Starofyourownlife.com with "Capacity Huffington Post" in the subject line. I'll have to limit the size of the class so don't wait too long, but I'll do my best to accommodate everyone who applies.

"Some Guy" says on the back of the journal: "This is an experiment and you are part of it." This Guy says, "Ddon't wait for things to change when YOU can make them happen NOW."

Cooking Up the Success You Want

2009-08-19T15:35:07-04:00

I work as a coach and one of my many 'recharge' hobbies is cooking. I consider a meal very similar to a work of art and am concerned not only with the tastes but the presentation. My goal is to get a 'wow' from my dinner guests and I'm most often successful. My style of cooking is very creative and I usually just follow my instincts and intuition with good results (mostly).

However, after a while my 'make it up as you go' style of cooking becomes a routine. I have a set number of culinary ideas and skills and I need to go outside for inspiration and education. I watch TV shows on cooking, read magazines and look online for ideas and to learn more about cooking. I even, and this is the shocker, use someone else's recipes now and then!

Life and business is like this model of cooking. You have a set number of ideas and intuition and you can follow them into any venture with varying levels of success; you may even get some 'wows'. You may even tap into the many sources of inspiration, creativity, training and resources available to keep you growing. This model and method can be useful and helpful and may be all you ever need to be fulfilled and happy in your endeavors.

But, if you are looking for growth, for breakthroughs and the biggest possible future for you and your business you may want to find an expert and follow their 'recipe' for success. In fact, the closer you follow a recipe, as in the cooking model, the more often you'll be able to replicate your successes and create a sustainable, repeatable model for growth and success.

Consider a recipe: ingredients, preparation, baking or cooking time, special instructions and a desired result. If your end result isn't exactly what you wanted then you can make notes and adjustments for the next time. You add an ingredient for a new or more textured flavor, vary baking or cooking time according to your oven, practice some of your preparation techniques, consult a more experienced cook and, in general re-think your recipe. You don't give up eating just because your cake was a bit dry any more than you'd quit your business because you had a few bad sales weeks or divorce your spouse or family because life had gotten a little boring or you're in a rut. So let's take on something that you're interested in causing a breakthrough in as if it was a recipe.

Start off by listing the ingredients: what do you do, what do you need, to get your goal. Write them all down as if they were items you could get your hands on and don't edit yourself; i.e. if it's a large chunk of time then just write that down, don't edit yourself because you don't presently know where you'll find the time.

What kind of 'processing' does it need? This is the 'bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour' type of instruction. How long would you need to do what you need to do in order to get results? Say for example that you're going to grow your accounts by 10% as a goal: ingredients are 10 new clients, and that means '10 cold calls a day for one month', let's say or, if it's a personal goal like weight loss, 'lose 10 lbs.-- 1/2 hour of working out, 5 times a week for 8 weeks'.

What kind of help do you need? Chefs have 'sous chefs' and tasters to give them feedback and be their support when they need it. Can you enlist someone to be a 'taster' for what you're up to? Tell them what you're up to and invite them to be a witness, much the same way that when I serve a dish up to guests I'm looking for a 'wow'. Let them in on where you are now and where you want to be and ask them to check in on you, be your 'help line' if you get stuck and in general be at stake with you for the result.

What will the result look like? Have a clear picture of the outcome. I couldn't imagine cooking something without knowing what the result should look like if I've followed the recipe correctly. Comparing my result to the photo in the cookbook lets me know if I've hit the mark or not, no matter how tasty the dish. You have to be working towards some result or you'll feel trapped, in a rut or like a drone working, working, working with no 'souffle' at the end of the tunnel.

Let's revisit a little: you're going to have a breakthrough in mind. You'll list what you need, what actions to take and how long it will take for the result. Along the way you can 'tweak' the recipe if you're not getting the next step the way you want it and you'll be asking for help along the way. If you find that your result is not perfect you won't give up or throw out the recipe and start from scratch, you'll adjust, fine tune, add or vary ingredients and try again and again. At the end, you'll aim to 'taste' success and to 'serve up' a 'wow'.

So now, get in the kitchen and get out of the 'hunger' phase. Thinking about a cake or pie doesn't make it appear; you have to roll up your sleeves and knead the dough. Spend your time looking for inspiration, education and new ideas and reduce everything to its ingredients and step by step instructions so that you can adjust, tweak, spice and fine tune until you get exactly the results you want.

Following this model will help you create awareness and awareness is key to making any lasting changes or building a successful model or enterprise. Who knows, you may wind up writing your own recipe book for the benefit of others!

Here's my offer: I'm available to you and to anyone at either 'Star of Your Own Life' (www.starofyourownlife.com) or 'JM Lynch Training and Consulting' either by email or phone and will come do one free session with any group, anywhere in the world, to help you get started on what you're passionate about, what you're doing to feed your soul or to set the table for your community with abundance and prosperity. Contact me and I'll arrange it with you -- I love to 'cook'.

By the way, my 'cook book' is written, The Hamlet Secret: A self-directed workbook for living a passionate, joy-filled life, (http://www.amazon.com/Hamlet-Secret-Self-Directed-Shakespearean-Passionate/dp/1438960662/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250693366&sr=1-1) and is full of 'do it yourself' recipes for enjoying and savoring life for the tasty dish it can be.

Bon appetit!

100 Things to Do While Alive

2009-08-03T10:32:40-04:00

Maybe you saw the movie The Bucket List or have heard about a list of 'The 100 Things to Do Before You Die' from someone already, but I've been using it in an altered form for many years. My list is called 'The 100 Things to Do While Alive'. I'm not racing or chasing death, living under a perpetual doomsday clock; I'm making sure that I live every day as fully as I can. I'm not a 'before' kind of guy, I'm more of a 'while' type.

My list starts with all of the things that I want to be able to say 'yes' to when anyone asks as idle chit chat at a dinner party:
â¢ Can you juggle? Yes.
â¢ Can you cook? Yes.
â¢ Do you speak any foreign languages? 1 Â½.
â¢ Have you ever parachuted? Yes.
â¢ Ever been to Paris? Yup; 3 times.
â¢ Ever taken a vacation by bike? Yup; twice.
â¢ Ever remodel a house? Yes.

It has a lot of simple 'doing' stuff like that but it also has a lot of stuff I haven't gotten to yet, like drive an 18-wheeler semi tractor trailer truck (next week, maybe). And some of the stuff is big and crazy, like 'end world hunger'. Honestly I don't expect to be asked if I ever ended world hunger as idle chit chat at a dinner party but, if I was asked, I'd say that I've been involved and am involved with a hunger project for many years now. I've volunteered at soup kitchens, food pantries and regularly donate to The Hunger Site. I can say that ending world hunger is a constant activity in my life and I'm still at it.

Among other things, I use the list to keep me from ever, ever being able to say 'I'm bored'. I mean how can you be bored when you've got a hot air balloon trip to schedule (rained every day for 6 days and we canceled it) or when you've got a chance to pilot a small plane (my wife and I are doing that next month, paid for already) or taking dance lessons (also bought and paid for and on the schedule)?

It's not that there's nothing else to do; I have plenty of work to keep me busy. It's partially because there's so much work to do; I want more than work in my life. How many times do you need to hear an inspirational speech or jealously view a movie about living life fully before you actually get some sort of structure to help you enjoy on a new level?

Lots of things on my list still need doing, I've really only checked off 18 and have 3 pending, but it's time to revisit the list anyway. That's one of the rules; you can revamp the list as often as you'd like. 'Meet Mother Theresa' -- well that one has to be changed for obvious reasons. 'Hang out backstage with Sting' has replaced her (can anyone help me with that)?

So while I'm revamping my list I'm going to add a twist that my friend Rosie suggested; take my list and add a 'within . . .' category. For example, put a time-line on the items as in 'within 30 days, 60 days, 6 months, a year, under 5 years, etc.' I like the urgency of it and love to cross things off my list. In fact, one big item I just crossed off the list is 'write and publish a book'. My book The Hamlet Secret, is for sale at online stores and sites now and it's a great pleasure to visit the Japanese language Amazon page and see my book listed there and around the world. (How many copies do I have to sell? Well, I didn't have that much detail on the list. (Here's a preview video with inspirational quotes from the book if you're interested.)

I invite you to join me. Take a few minutes and write down all of the things that you want to be able to say 'Yes, I have' when asked at some future dinner party. Don't work too hard at it, have fun, and if you really want to have fun involve someone else. My wife and I compare ours often -- in fact we use each others' lists to plan events and gifts. For my 50th birthday my wife whisked me off to a surprise week in Paris, just the two of us, and her inspiration came from my list (#7)! Talk about getting what you wish for!

So why not play along and take out your pen and paper. Number on the left from 1-100 and get started. You may be reluctant, if may seem either to fantastical or too scary for you (it makes things get 'real') but it's well worth the effort. Things like 'ride an elephant', 'build a piece of furniture from scratch', 'visit the Grand Canyon', etc. are great things to get you started and, as I mentioned above, things like 'endow a scholarship' or 'create world peace' can be on the list to just remind you of the awareness you find important. And you can make it happen in little steps -- as long as those steps keep you moving forward.

Enjoy, challenge, invigorate and inspire with your list. You'll be glad you did.

Share your 100s list with me or ask me for ideas if you get stuck: James@starofyourownlife.com.

I Am a Big Fat Jerk

2009-07-28T14:28:26-04:00

Even though today started off nicely, an early bike ride with my 9 year-old son, I was fuming by mid morning. Road construction, busses and SUVs cutting ahead in the opposing traffic turn lane, more road construction, bickering backseat passengers, more road construction and an overturned cement mixer blocking traffic had me hot under the collar to say the least.

Then a monstrous gas guzzling Denali left me about 6 inches of room to get into my car -- in a nearly empty parking lot. I was tempted to take revenge on their tires with the pocket knife I keep in my glove box for 'emergencies'. Well, revenge can be an emergency situation can't it?

I was gathering evidence that people were stupid, they were selfish and that I was the only right thinking person in the world and my anger was justified. In short; I was being a big fat jerk.

Add to this equation that I am a business coach, a life coach and the author of The Hamlet Secret: A Self-Directed (Shakespearean) WORKBOOK for Living a Passionate, Joy-Filled Life, and I was being a BIG, fat jerk. My hypocrisy was in high gear and I was in high GRRRRRRR!

Helpless, hopeless and on the road to ruin; right? Well, not really hopeless because I was, even in the midst of this surge of joyless anger (well at least it was PASSIONATE wasn't it) and I could see what was going on. Of course I didn't flatten or slash any tires (I was tempted though) and I was both 'in it' and watching it at the same time. How does that work?

I've mentioned this book before and recommend it often (Dr. J -- yours is on the way now), The Power of Full Engagement, by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz and is subtitled, Managing Energy, Not Time, is the Key to High Performance and Personal Renewal.

In it I recently recognized myself, at least partially, in the example of an executive, Roger B., who finds himself suffering from "low energy, impatience, negativity, lack of depth in relationships, and a lack of passion". I hadn't hit 'rock bottom' yet, but I was aware that I was suffering more frequent headaches and was having difficulty concentrating.

In fact just the other day I admitted to my wife that I wasn't taking my own coaching. I was working irregular, long hours, not separating work into blocks of time with definite goals and start and stop times, was relying on TV for 'down time' and even on Shabbat, I noticed that I was still 'suffering' from the week.

I was being, and yes I'll say it again, 'a big fat jerk'. And coaching or reading inspirational, motivational or emotionally moving books or articles wasn't going to get the job done. That's where the 'fat' part of 'big, fat jerk comes in'. I've been eating a healthier regimen and have dropped about 10 pounds in the last few weeks but my exercise is limited (if by 'limited' you can read 'nonexistent').

Here's the news: thinking isn't enough. Believing isn't enough. Once you pass the age of 40 (I'm 52) it not only becomes a good idea, it becomes even more urgent, let's even say critical, to develop a regular form of exercise. Experts say that at my age I need more than just cardiovascular exercise, I need strength training, or I'll begin to rapidly lose muscle mass, balance and mental acuity.

The solution for me then, isn't going to a social worker, hypnotist, psychiatrist or mental health professional, to find out where this deep seated anger/frustration and short tempered behavior is coming from. The first step is to gain the balance that I'm lacking and stop acting like my brain is independent from my body. The key is to stop thinking and start living in my body. I've been in a hurry, on the verge and pushing hard; the equivalent of driving a car at top speed without ever checking the oil or stopping for gas. Eventually something bad happens.

Something bad happens like: you become a big, fat jerk. You start taking your family, friends and co-workers to task as a symptom of what you're NOT doing but if you've been NOT doing it for long enough you can't recognize it as a symptom. You become sure your right about everything and that life is tough and unfair. You look for the easy answers, blaming others or looking for excuses like a tough childhood or mean parents. While all of that could be true, I'm asking you to first take a look at the 'machine' you are and check for balance.

As you can see, I started this article off by mentioning I'd been bike riding before breakfast. I noticed the symptoms earlier and, although a bit late, have begun my recovery period, adding a new level of physical exercise and well being and can actually say to my 'head', 'nice job handling things so far, let the arms, legs and heart take the lead for a bit'.

So how about you? Are you being mean, short tempered, impatient and losing passion? Can you imagine for even just a little bit that it may not be the case that 'that's just the way the world is' and try a few alternative behaviors on? Let's do a check in:

Are you a big fat jerk?

1. Are you standing in front of the microwave tapping your foot and saying 'come on, already, how long does it take to heat leftovers'!
2. Are you cursing like your old Uncle Mike, the longshoreman, marine or truck driver?
3. Are you spending more time with cable TV than good friends or family?
4. Does the food you eat make you feel bloated and tired as opposed to energized and fueled up?
5. Do you have a list of pet peeves that gets you 'hot' just talking about them?
6. Are your kids, co-workers or peers acting like a bunch of idiots?
7. Are you more often tempted by negative behaviors like smoking or abusing alcohol or drugs?
8. When you're driving your car are you a 'weaver', lane cutter and speeder?
9. Is your attention span shorter and your power of concentration lessening?
10. Are you using a lot of sugar or salt and drinking more than 2 cups of coffee or 2 sodas a day?

If any of those are true then you could either already be a big fat jerk or be well on your way to the title. And I've limited myself to 10 items here, there's plenty more to mention.

Like smokers, there is this 'I'm the exception to the rule' mentality that can affect all of us and if you find yourself anywhere in the list above I'm calling you out. The filter we experience the world through isn't just our eyes and ears, but our mental outlook and the mental outlook is greatly affected by the machine it lives in; your body.

So I ask you to do yourself a favor, not to mention those you live with or work with, and get yourself to a doctor and get a checkup. Discuss your health and how to maximize it. Make small changes in your eating habits, workout patterns and general self-care. I ask you this because I live here too and if my big, fat jerk met yours at the wrong time . . .

I'm motivated to make a change because I'm a dad, because I'm a husband, because I'm a co-worker. I'm motivated because I have coaches all around me and just happen to be in a business where my research for work includes great books by great authors who are out to show everyone how to live passionately, joyfully and in a state of continuous improvement and personal renewal.

What are you motivated by? If you're not motivated or moved at all by the possibility of feeling better more often, of dumping stress, anxiety and frustration, you may be at a point where you need more help than a casual friend or article. If that's the case then I ask that you take appropriate action and don't put up with anything less than a passionate, joy-filled life. The consequences, my friend, are dire, and there is no truth to the 'exception to the rule' thinking. I'm telling you this from personal experience so please listen to me.

Thanks, Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz, for your book, The Power of Full Engagement, and thanks to the magazines, writers and to the other members of The Huffington Post Living Section for calling us all out of our 'jerkdom' so well. Thanks to my favorites, Dr. Judith Rich, Dr. Cara Barker, Anne Naylor and the others who regularly contribute to the Living Section of the Huffington Post for your calling us all out, for contributing to my life and so many others.

Thanks everyone for not settling for me being a big, fat jerk (for too long) -- no matter how hard I resist the lessons!

I welcome any comments on 'the jerk' I am, the jerk you are and the jerk in all of us. I offer any support and feedback I can deliver if you contact me directly at James@starofyourownlife.com

Be well -- and by that I mean BE well!

Today's the Day

2009-07-20T14:31:37-04:00

One of the most constant conversations I see on the social and professional networks I belong to is which networking support group is best to join for 'transitioning'. In case you haven't heard, 'transitioning' is the euphemism now being used for 'out of work and looking (desperately) for a job'.

It is as if people everywhere were having the worst year of their lives and I'm not putting up with it anymore so I'm declaring: today's the day.

Two things are going into place as of now: The Star of Your Own Life Journey begins on Sunday, August 2, right here on Chicago's north shore with a 6-hour, 10 week and 51 exercise program aimed at helping people HAVE THE BEST YEAR OF THEIR LIVES. Can't make it here? Let me know where you're at and I'll bring it to you.

One year of applied and supported weekly exercises and journaling will build new muscles, add passion and create joy and we'll do the whole thing for about $7 a week. More info is available at http://www.starofyourownlife.com/self-help-seminar.html and if you're tired of being told whether things are 'good' or 'bad' by the news headlines each day, there's room for you.

As I quoted Shakespeare's Hamlet previously, 'There is nothing, either good or bad, but thinking makes it so'. But we'll also be self-determined and draw the line of being affected by circumstances and making our lives happen the way we want them to as in another quote from Hamlet 'From this time forth, my thoughts be bloody or be nothing worth'; which means 'I'm getting serious starting NOW!'

The second thing I'm offering to make a difference is The Hamlet Secret: A Self-Directed (Shakespearean) Workbook for Living a Passionate, Joy-Filled Life. Seventy or more quotes from the play Hamlet have been selected for their 'direction' and I've added a brief coaching lesson for each one, plus exercises that will help you take the idea from the page into your life.

It's enough material for about a year and a half and if you're tired of being 'at the effect' of circumstances, this book will give you self direction.

Here's a sample chapter with one of the many exercises:

All that lives must die, passing through nature to eternity.

Hamlet, Act I, Scene 2

Life is short -- what are you doing about it?

"Passing through nature to eternity ..." Whether you believe in the after-life in any of its many forms -- heaven, rebirth, hell, and purgatory -- you might believe in the laws of physics; energy can neither be created nor destroyed. So what becomes of this life force once we "shuffle off this mortal coil"?

Believe anything you want about life, but right here and now, today, and in this present "act," choose the life you have and get on with it. Recently I heard it said that in relative terms of scientific discovery and breakthroughs, it is possible that the first human to live to be two hundred years old could already have been born. BUT he or she will still die sometime, and what happens between the cradle and the grave is a daily choice we must make in order to make it all worth it. Start living from "today's the day" and taking on everything in life that you've been avoiding -- either do it or cross it off your list forever.

No time for regrets, anger, or fear, unless you like that sort of thing. I mean, no one really LIKES that sort of stuff, do they? Then why would they fill their lives with it? Got me? Perhaps this will help before we get to the exercises: What you do today is what your life will become tomorrow. That ought to get you moving, eh?

All that lives must die exercises:

Exercise 1:

For one week, do at least one thing a day that is new or that scares you, even just a little bit. For example, I am not knowledgeable about baseball, but I had a chance to coach third base for an inning in my son's little league team. I said "yes," even though I was unsure of what to do. The third runner I signaled home was my own son, and seeing him poised on second base was the high point of my day! Journal each night about what you did and your reaction to it.

There are two other exercises in this chapter and plenty more. If you are enjoying my weekly blogs I'm pretty sure you'll like The Hamlet Secret: http://www.amazon.com/dp/1438960662

What are YOU doing TODAY to get the world on track?! Let me hear from you, ok?

Come on, 'from this time forth . . .' Today IS the day!

Saving the World in One Day - Shabbat Around the World

2009-07-11T14:55:56-04:00

It's Friday mid-afternoon and I'm winding down my week, finishing my calls, making final notes and shutting down my computer in preparation for 25 hours of recharging. We call it 'Shabbat' and I follow all of the rules that come with it: no TV or radio, no driving, no lighting fires, no work, no cooking, no . . . Listen, it's not exactly what I'm 'not' doing, it's more what I am doing. I'm saving the world.

For the next 25 hours nothing gets in between my children, my wife and I but sleep. We'll eat a dinner together with our extended family and some friends. After our guests leave, my wife, kids and I will go for a walk, talk, come home and all cuddle up to read before falling asleep. Either my wife or I will usher the kids off to their own beds because they usually nod off while reading.

Tomorrow morning we'll eat a light breakfast together, walk over to pray and meet with others, have a communal meal, come back home and nap a little, go for a walk, play games together, read some inspiring materials, eat again, sometimes sleep a little more, and in general 'do nothing' together. Nothing but save the world. No kidding, we're saving the world.

I explained Shabbat to a friend this way the other day: years ago I was an actor traveling the country for months at a time. We'd be in a different hotel each night and I'd mostly just grab some clothes off the top of my duffle bag every day to get me to the shows and home from them because we worked all week and onstage we had costumes so no one cared how we looked.

Come the weekend, I'd dig deep into the dufflebag, take out my best clothes, clean and iron them, get ready for rest and relaxation. I'd enjoy a period of good food, friends, fun and recharging my batteries. Celebrating Shabbat is something like that -- it's digging deep into my soul, pulling out my best 'spiritual' garb, and resting from the 'stuff' that happens every day.

It's not rocket science, lots of books are written on the idea that rest is not optional for peak performance. I really recommend The Power of Full Engagement, by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz, where they explain the rhythm of exertion and rest as a key concept to reaching full potential. Working long hours without recharging is the equivalent of driving a car without ever stopping to fuel up or do maintenance. It's crucial, not optional that you stop, rest and recharge in order to be effective. The more regular your periods of rest and recharge, the more effective you can be.

So how does taking a 25 hour break have anything to do with saving the world? Well for me, it is not only physical and spiritual recharging; it's also emotional and intellectual. I've just added a new consideration, it's not like I've invented it, it's just that it is actually in my consciousness now on a whole new level. Each Shabbat I take a break from judging, criticizing, pre-judging, impatience and my weekly thought addictions of 'how, what, who, how many, where, what next, etc.' I leave the mind that I've been filling all week with 'stuff', thoughts, judgment, criticism and complaint and let it all go for one day. I listen as if everything I read is true, as if everything people say to me is true. Since I can't purchase anything, sign anything or discuss business, this restful naivetÃ© is affordable.

For this one day a week I rest from adding emotional pollution to the world and that, in short, is saving the world.

Think about it: one day where everyone is perfect in your eyes. One day where you don't immediately add whatever anyone says or does to a predetermined opinion of them, to a muddy pool of opinion and judgment. One day where everyone else's foibles are off limits. Think of how much freer and open all of your relationships would be if you could wipe out all of the cobwebs and see with new eyes!

I'm also saving the world literally. Think about the possibility, in terms of global pollution, not just emotional pollution, if everyone in the world pledged to take one day where they didn't turn on lights or use electricity, didn't drive a car, pre-cooked a day's meals so they didn't have to use cooking gas, where all public transportation was shut down except for emergency teams.

Think about the possibility of a world where at least one day a week everyone turned off their cell phones, got away from their computer terminals and their TV screens and went for a walk. Think of a world where at least one day a week people met in the streets, said hello and rested from their effort and struggles, rested from habitual thinking and prejudices. Can you imagine if everyone in the world meditated or prayed, individually or communally, at least once a week or read something that inspired, moved and encouraged them at least once every week?

What would Al Gore's 'An Inconvenient Truth' scenario be if every culture in the world shut down for one day every week of no fossil fuel burning (aside from the few lights it takes to light a communal room for reading and games)? He'd have to re-vamp all of his scenarios because even one world-wide day of no fossil fuel burning would change even the worst pollution scenario.

It's really not that inconceivable that every culture could take this on - it's already a practice to observe one day of rest, whether or not it's called Shabbat, not only for Jews but for Christians, Muslims and even Wiccans. But there's a secret here, and as long as it's just you and me talking, I can let you in on it: it's not necessary for the whole world to do this to make a difference. If I could just convince you to take a rest day and you could convince someone else . . .

Come on, it's simple to save the world. It's not always easy; but it is simple. Stop. Take a rest. Recharge. Inspire. Breathe. Talk. Sleep. Eat. Meditate. Don't do. Be.

Simple. Not always easy. But worth it?

Can you take on spreading the word?
Can you share this with at least one other person and challenge them to create their own personal Shabbat to save the world?
What are you doing, what can you do and all the other questions that follow.
Let me hear from you and I'll respond as quickly as I can -- just not on Shabbat.

Complaining About Complaining

2009-07-06T13:28:39-04:00

First let's define complaint in the context I intend it today: it's neither good nor bad. As Shakespeare's Hamlet says, 'There's nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so'.

Complaining, for our purposes today, is voicing a negative opinion about a situation either as a 'what's so', which can be a commonly accepted fact like 'the present economy sucks' or 'there's too much unemployment' or as a loaded, disgusted, emotion ally charged statement of frustration like: 'those darn politicians have ruined our country' or 'the fat cats are always taking advantage of the little guys'.

What makes complaint 'bad' is when you add your judgment and prejudice as in those latter examples.

Eckhart Tolle in A New Earth puts it this way: "Complaining is not to be confused with informing someone of a mistake or deficiency so that it can be put right. And to refrain from complaining doesn't necessarily mean putting up with bad quality or behavior. There is no ego in telling the waiter your soup is cold and needs to be heated up -- if you stick to the facts, which are always neutral. 'How dare you serve me cold soup...?' That's complaining."

The venerable Mr. Tolle disagrees with me on the fine point of complaining not being good or bad, but that's okat, I've got no complaint about that, it's just that I want more room to be human because I'm someone who will, gasp, on occasion complain.

However, to keep my integrity intact, and in keeping with Tolle's 'cold soup' example, I've developed a rule about complaining to guide me and those I coach: don't complain unless you're willing to do something about it.

But the other day I got 'caught' when I found myself in the act being prejudiced, not doing anything about it but getting ticked off and, on top of all of that, I was being right about it.

While walking with friends I mentioned that I was on the cultural arts commission for the city in which we all live and that I attended a meeting about downtown redevelopment and bringing a green, eco-friendly aspect to the planning. The response of one of these friends was a tirade against our city and the fact that they were finally doing something with all of the property tax money they've been charging him. He complained about some potholes, corners needing stoplights, and a laundry list of people who were paying high taxes.

I was amazed that anyone could complain so strongly against a charming, boutique type, north shore Chicago area suburb and still live there. I found myself 'plugged in' and in the personal struggle of responding versus reacting, defending and all but pouncing on the speaker. As the speaker was a guest in my house for dinner that night I caught myself, changed the topic as best as I could and, after a minimally awkward silence, moved on to other topics. Dinner was pleasant and we had a good time of it but, in the back of my mind, I was harboring a complaint against this person who I had labeled a complainer. Sick, eh?

Later that night I was describing the incident to my wife and adding my opinion of how this person was 'always complaining about something or other, isn't he?' when I fully realized what I was doing. My wife didn't even have to point out the irony of the situation to me -- it raised its own hand and asked for my attention. I was caught in a pet peeve and pulled into a maze in which there is 'no cheese' for me.

I shifted as quickly as I could and thought of ways that I could do something positive about the situation, including setting up a meeting between my friend and some city officials to talk about taxes, what they are used for and trying to answer some of his concerns.

I did a little more work on my 'triggering' on this topic and started looking for some outside help. That's when I found this site: A Complaint Free World.

Simply put, their model starts with providing a purple bracelet for which they charge a whole buck. If you find yourself complaining, gossiping or criticizing, you switch the bracelet to the other wrist and start again. They have realized, like I do, that everyone does it and heck, we're human, so just get aware, shift and move on. The reinforcement of the bracelet just gives you a subtle reminder that you can, with practice, change your behaviors. Genius. Congratulations to them!

My bracelet is on the way but I hope the Post Office doesn't take too long to deliver it -- did you notice that the price of stamps just went up? And they're talking about ending Saturday delivery! Are you kidding?! Those guys at the Post Office . . .

Breathe. Take a deeper breath; hold and release. Again. Ok, I'm better now. Phew.

I wonder if they have next day delivery on those purple bracelets!?

Please pass on their message and their goals; they look like a valuable initiative with a clear message and a simple agenda. If you have any comments (or complaints) to share with me or the other readers please feel free to add them here or email me at james@starofyourownlife.com

Don't Should on Me!

2009-06-22T11:35:04-04:00

I have to admit that I am particularly susceptible to people giving me advice or telling me what to do; it can rankle and rattle me and is a part of my 'story' (see What's Your Story). One key to knowing your story as a story is to identify and name what you're susceptible to, what pushes your buttons or sets you off and step outside of it as often as possible. As I say to all those I coach, 'Awareness is key'.

Once you've found out what pushes your buttons, like finding the source of a river, you can begin to manage it. You can also find out how it serves you and take advantage of the energy you get from it. Let me explain by putting myself in the 'witness box'.

I'm the 13th born in an Irish Catholic family of fourteen and I have 3 brothers and 10 sisters. Those are 'facts' in my story; but what I've made up, caused and created from that is where we're going today.

As the second to youngest, just about everyone in my family told me what to do. Everyone seemed to know better and constantly give me advice, comment on what I was doing (wrong) and always know better. As I grew older it went from irritating to maddening and I became resentful and solitary where my family was concerned.

I even geographically moved 'away from' where my family lived and even from what they believed. Thanks to some really great mentors, coaches and seminars I had a breakthrough moment in which I was able to see this 'negative' goal setting as a trend I was victim to. I realized that moving 'from' was a faulted model and that moving 'toward' was positive and would create me as 'me', not as a result or reaction to outside circumstances.

After that realization, rather late in life (but never too late), I was able to drop a lot of the weight of the past and move forward and create a really wonderful, fun and passionate story that really serves me now. I re-wrote my story and created the life I love in all aspects and still have a lot of room to grow in the future.

I realized that my resistance to being told what to do or to people making suggestions, offering advice, etc. was shutting me off from ideas that could be helpful. I was bristling at the offer of a "You know what you could do", "Here's what I think you should do", or "If I were you I would . . ." Once I got it that people were genuinely trying to help me I was able to accept input, create collaboration and invite partnership.

That shift in 'getting it' that I was still being a victim of the 13th child syndrome allowed me to step outside of it and see each offered suggestion or contribution as a 'working/not working' idea and weigh them on their merits, not solely through my personal prejudice.

At the time of this breakthrough I was also moving up fast in the corporate world and I was able to use this new sense of openness to take direction, take risks and accept mentoring when it was offered in the business milieu. I was also able to see that not wanting to be told what to do had a positive effect on me for years in that it always drove me to become the boss or manager (so I wouldn't have to be told what to do). I was able to see the positive, energy producing value out of this 'don't tell me what to do' childish attitude and, once I 'had it' versus it 'having me', I was free.

Hold on a minute: I'm not totally free. I'm working on it. That's why I'm writing it here and offering it to you. As another aspect of the 'story' model I am sharing this as a dialogue for all of you reading this. What are the circumstances that trigger you, that anger, shame or sadden you? Can you re-write them as a source of energy and drive and minimize (I don't know if you can ever get free of them completely) their automatic triggering effect enough to get them at least somewhat under control?

Can you trace back to any energy that is 'away from' and get in touch with your 'moving toward'? I hope you can and know that there are some pretty wonderful resources out there to help you. Please see my suggested resources and links.

By the way, I am celebrating my coaching materials around 'could/would/should' with a collection of paraphernalia that has a bit of irreverent fun with this: "Don't Should on Me" t-shirts, mugs, clothing and 'stuff'. I think you should visit the site.

Good luck to all of you in continuing to create the story of you as powerful, passionate contributors to your family, friends, co-workers and the world. This is a story we can create a happy ending for -- but why wait till the end? Let's start with now!

What's Your Story?

2009-06-17T15:43:02-04:00

Caterpillar: Who are YOU?
Alice: This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. I -- I hardly know, sir, just at present -- at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.

This weekend was a family event for us and a lot of family members came in from out of town. That means a lot of stories got told and repeated. Stories of childhood, embarrassing moments, funny anecdotes and, well yeah, more embarrassing moments.

One of the stories I overheard being told about me was innocuous enough, but it was wrong. I wondered how often the story had been told and how many times it had been practiced and polished, re-told and embellished, so that it became more of an amusing anecdote than anything resembling the truth. What was funny, yet not 'ha ha' funny, was that both of us, me, the one the story was about and them, telling the story, were sure we were right. Each of us claimed the same moment, yet saw it differently.

That's the way it is with stories; they depend on the vantage point, if not the memory, of the story teller.

So today I wanted to try a little exercise out with you and ask: What's your story?

How about stopping right now and spending 5 minutes writing out on a piece of paper "the story of me," who you are, how you got that way and include all of the judgments you make or have made. Judgments start with "I always . . .", "I would never. . .", "I couldn't . . ."

Write out the story of you as you are and don't be afraid to complain a bit. Think about it as a narrator at the beginning of story bringing the audience up to speed so that we can begin the movie.

Start with "Once upon a time there was a (girl/boy) who . . ." and write it out for at least 5 minutes without editing yourself or holding back.

Now ask yourself: Does this story work for you? Does it make your life more interesting, more fun or more exciting?

If the answer is "yes," then let's write the next chapter in the story. It starts with "Having accomplished all of this, our hero set out to really stretch their self and have an amazing breakthrough by . . ." Then get busy living into that future.

If the answer is "no," then let's get re-writing the story to suit you. Suppose the story you're in has you stuck in a job you're not passionate about, a job you find boring and dull but where you stay just to keep the money coming in.

You can re-write the story as it is with a different view point. Try it. "Having found himself stuck, bored and dull, our hero decided to create the next day as the most important day of his life. He set his sights to . . . at work and then . . ."

Try writing it out as it might happen, as if it was nearly impossible, as if it was impossible, as if it was a soap opera, a farce, a slapstick comedy and any other way that comes to you. Write, write, write and let your pen guide you.

After you're done, read all of the versions over and see if you can create an interesting, powerful story by taking bits from each of the stories and creating something that covers all of the things in the past. Make sure you take responsibility for your own choices, challenges and bad decisions, but don't beat up on yourself. See the decisions as the best that could be made at the time without denying responsibility. Create a new overarching version of your life story that inspires you and helps you move forward.

I've done this exercise with lots of different groups in different settings and had some fun and interesting results. Each group has its own stories but one thing happens in each of the groups. They realize that at the core of the whole exercise is: pick any version and it's still only a story.

Stories are interpretations and if your story isn't serving you then it's time to re-write it and reinvent yourself. Your story, from too close to the material, can be limiting, suffocating and leave you as the victim instead of the hero. But seen from a higher vantage point, your story could be a lesson in perseverance, lessons learned, adjustments made and growth into a new and brighter future.

But remember: it will still only be a story, so don't get married to it. Be willing to re-write yourself from moment to moment, make corrections and make changes and become now what you only thought possible before.

Write the story that you'll want others to tell in your future and live it. You only get one chance, but you get as many stories as you want. You can be the hero, the villain, the victim, but you'll always be the star, so make it work and don't waste your time!

Please feel free to leave a comment here or at my site, www.starofyourownlife.com.

Blowing Smoke

2009-06-10T12:47:00-04:00

I just drove home from a team coaching meeting and feel like I need a detox bath. For about a mile I was next to or behind a car that sent so much blue smoke out of its exhaust pipe that I thought dancers and a magician would appear on a stage. The smell and toxicity only increased when the driver of this fog machine worked hard to pass me after I tried to leave him behind and my lungs filled with one long blast of smoke before I could shut the windows and put on the air conditioner. A beautiful Spring day polluted by a careless car owner.

I thought of the meeting I had just left and the participant in it who was showing up as a "but head." We were working on removing obstacles and creating breakthroughs and this one participant, no matter what the issue on the table was, started each statement with a "yeah but," "well, but," "we tried that but," to the point that my usually cool facilitator composure was punctured with a "NO more BUTS in any statements for the rest of the hour!" I made that statement to all of the participants in the room, but I intended my statement mainly for just one of them.

Putting the two incidents together, the oblivious polluter driving the Mazda and the "naysayer" in the seminar I began to think of the two as the same.

In the seminar, the group was having a breakthrough; breathing the fresh idea of a new possibility. Even though each of the participants is basically an independent entity and in a sense competing with each other, they'd finally gotten to the point where they realized that they could share best practices, compare strengths and weaknesses and encourage and challenge each other to hit their production goals. We had a frank talk about synergy, their reservations about sharing, the potential risks of collaboration, a volunteer panel was beginning to form and then, "But why should we share leads when . . . ?" But-ing in!

Well just as the Mazda owner was blowing putrid smoke on everyone around them, I thought, we have people spewing their gasses at us daily. Here are a few ways that happens . . .

"BUT" -- this is a word I could just as well do without. It stops more projects before they even hit the planning stage than it creates. A rule I heard once encouraged us to replace the word "but" with the word "and." It became a way to suggest better planning than a discouragement and road block.

"I'm not so sure" -- This is like a "but," only sneakier. "I understand what you're saying. I'm just not so sure I agree". Doesn't this sound like "I really disagree . . ."?

"Conventional wisdom (they) might disagree with that . . ." -- This gives someone a chance to cut your legs out from under you by citing some anonymous source that they seem to know very well, except 'their' actual names, specific articles or whitepapers, etc. It's usually used in a public setting, like a board meeting and can be hard to parry.

"I respectfully disagree . . . " -- Why? What is wrong with just disagreeing? Can't we just say, "Hey, I think you're wrong" and let's have a good old fashioned debate?

"Although . . ."-- Usually said in a sing-song tone, this type of "Although" is a variation of "But." Still sucks.

So now I put it out to all of you -- What are the words you use to "blow smoke" or pollute the clean air of meetings, seminars and gatherings of all types? How do you "but" your friends, co-workers and your own self? I'd love to hear some of your observations and offer a challenge.

Read on if you want to "play" along in this game.

The Challenge: Get one of those really colorful children's band aids and put it on your pinkie finger. The band aid is a reminder to be conscious of your language and speech throughout the day. Listen for the times that you are a subtle, partial or outright "but" in others' lives. "Awareness is key"; the challenge is to really be present to your own demeanor and words. See what you might learn about yourself and others by trying this for a few days or so.

I'd love to hear about what you discover. Leave a comment here or e-mail me at James@starofyourownlife.com