Jane Buckingham 2013-05-21T03:25:54-04:00 Jane Buckingham http://www.huffingtonpost.com/author/index.php?author=jane-buckingham Copyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc. HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Jane Buckingham Good old fashioned elbow grease. Four Seconds of Fame tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2846928 2013-03-10T20:43:56-04:00 2013-05-10T05:12:01-04:00 Jane Buckingham http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jane-buckingham/
And I'm not proud to admit that the story is about my nine-year-old daughter.

Rightly or wrongly, I've subscribed to the notion that when it comes to the wild world of the Internet and social media, I want my kids to experience, and make their mistakes when they are young -- and their transgressions relatively small. As someone whose business has been in watching trends for over 20 years, I've observed with a combination of a trained sociologist and the wariness of a young parent the explosion of a new digital world. I have eased sighs of relief as my children tried out Kik, Snap Chat, Moshi Monsters and other "kid" based apps and sites to no issue under my watchful eye.

But even as a predictor of the future, I wasn't ready for the speed at which Instagram would catch fire, and before one could apply a photo filter, over one million tweens joined the service in July 2012 alone (according to Nielsen). So when my kids wanted to join, I allowed them, carefully outlining the types of photos they should post, never to tag friends who weren't allowed on, and to let me know of anything untoward or inappropriate on there. Everything was fine.

And then my daughter got "famous."

Well, lets be clear, not famous, just... Internet famous. My daughter is a very good dancer, extremely flexible and adorable. And she is one of a tremendous number of tweens who follow the show Dance Moms as if it were a marathon One Direction concert. If you're not familiar with the fervor with which this show is received, you should check out any one of its' talented tween stars Instagrams. Each has 300,0000 to over 500,000 followers and countless fan sites. Because of my business, I wound up meeting and working with some the cast. They couldn't have been sweeter to my daughter, and they became friends. And as many group of friends today do, the girls posted photos with my daughter. Thus, the frenzy began. Rumors started swirling whether my daughter was the newest cast member? Was related to the girls? Or why she was suddenly all over their feeds. No matter how much my daughter, her brother, or the girls themselves denied it, the interest in Lilia grew. Over night she had over 2,000 new followers. By the end of the week, she had two fan pages. (FAN PAGES??!!!) and even the video I had posted on YouTube for her grandmother in London to see was getting "favorited."

By the second week, she had endless requests to release her (nonexistent) Kik, girls begging to be her best friend, and countless pleas for replies. And that weekend, she received a call and texts from a "fan" who increasingly became frustrated that Lilia would not respond, and threatened to release her number (How she even got it remains a mystery).

So a girl, who did nothing, was not on a show, was not in the public eye, and was just your normal kid suddenly had fans and a stalker?

Today, tweens, and frankly all of us, are looking for cues of what to pay attention to . We are so eager to find the next trend, and be the first to discover it that we will jump on anything with heat, only to discover that not only does the emperor have no clothes, but he has no followers. Tweens today have to navigate not only the struggles of getting older, but learning to discern fact from fiction in a world that few of us can truly decipher.

Another friend told me that her daughter felt her friendships had become threatened, and competitive. If two girls were off together and posting photos, two more of the group would feel the need to show that they were having a better time. Besties and BFFL's were used like currency, and birthdays became an occasion to see who could post a longer "friendship love letter" and if the use of each emoticons cost money, we'd all be bankrupt by now.

Just as I was ready to shut it all down, my daughter decided to pull herself off. Though, as you can't actually delete an Instagram account, she simply decided to stop posting. I can do nothing about her fan pages, who to this day remain loyal and scour the internet for photos I didn't even know existed on line.

We suggested that she could create a new account, keep it private, and accept only her close friend. But she decided not to. As she said, "I think I'm too addicted to it, I don't need it or want it." There was no better lesson we could have taught her, or ourselves.]]> Valentines Day Gifts You'll Fall in Love With tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2583465 2013-02-12T16:13:01-05:00 2013-04-14T05:12:01-04:00 Jane Buckingham http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jane-buckingham/
]]> 20 Gifts Under $50 tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.2226145 2012-12-03T13:21:39-05:00 2013-02-02T05:12:01-05:00 Jane Buckingham http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jane-buckingham/
]]> What's Luck Got to Do With It? tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.2073961 2012-11-05T12:10:40-05:00 2013-01-05T05:12:01-05:00 Jane Buckingham http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jane-buckingham/
I'm fortunate to be included in a monthly women's evening. Created by Kim Moses and Willow Bay, each dinner has a list of attendees that reads like a Fortune's women's conference. The goal is to support each other, network and learn from each other. Over the months, it has become known as "The Vault." It's a vault where nothing leaves, so everyone and everything we say can be protected.

On this night, we had teenage girls involved with Step-Up Women's network joining us. This impressive organization was founded by Kaye Popofsky Kramer. Step-Up's mission is to "ignite women and girls to fulfill their potential." I can't do the organization justice, but suffice it to say they mentor high school girls, get them to college, provide hope where it's needed and resources where they are lacking. We had 16 girls come to dinner, along with 13 of our regular members. The girls sat in their matching orange tees as we sailed in, in designer dresses and expensive handbags.

The girls' told their stories, which made our career climbs seem like a cakewalk. Virtually every girl would be the first in her family to attend college or even graduate high school. Their ability to persevere through hardship was inspiring. They spoke of the challenges they faced with friends on drugs, pregnant, or even deceased. They felt lucky to have made it through, lucky to have connected with Step-Up, and lucky to have been selected to attend tonight. Then, as we the "professionals" spoke, we talked about feeling lucky to have risen in our careers, lucky to have such a supportive group of women, lucky to be where we were in our lives.

I realized that the word "lucky" was being inserted as often as a Valley Girl uses "like;" and I was reminded of several studies that showed that women typically attribute their success to luck while men attribute their own success to hard work.

But it was clear listening to everyone at the table that luck actually had little to do with any of it -- not for us and even less so for these girls. Sure, serendipity can help you be in the right place at the right time, and little blessings might offer opportunity. But it isn't luck that gives you resilience or determination. It isn't luck that allows you to be strong enough to make difficult choices. It isn't luck that makes you go to school every day when your friends are ditching to do drugs.

So I told the girls and our women that we weren't lucky. That luck was not what had put any of us where we were, and luck wouldn't determine who we would become.

We all were hard workers. We were all tough in our own ways. We all wanted to help, but also needed help. We all admired what we saw in the others around us but too often didn't see it in ourselves.

So I walked away feeling "blessed," not lucky, to have been a part of the evening. Learning from the girls, and from each other, that luck is for Vegas, not the Vault.


Note: We asked Marioli from Step Up to give us her perspective of the evening. Here's what she had to say:

Mariloli Barcelona, 16 years old:
I was given a packet with the names of the women I would be meeting and their accomplishments, and I said to myself, "I can remember them by tonight I'm great at studying last minute." But the minute I stepped out of the car to the freezing night air and feeling a little bit underdressed, I forgot the names and the accomplishments that came with them. So I entered the premises, the only thing in mind was, "Why do they call themselves the vault?" "Are they top secret agents?" I sat down, and then a force field came over our table... not literally. A force field of support and acceptance. We started to talk and although we all came from different backgrounds, we all had one thing in common: we were willing to share our knowledge and grow from one another. MTV producers picked the girls' brains by asking questions such as, "What is your favorite T.V series?" Meanwhile, the girls were trying to ask the right questions so they could receive hints as to how you could become... a producer, ambassador, editor of a newspaper, and the list goes on.

Some of the women gave advice saying that choosing the right partner is essential -- two of them stating they had stay-at-home husbands -- while others stated that asking for help was another important skill. At the end of the night, after being encouraged and praised until my ego couldn't get any higher, Maya Angelou came to mind. "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." And I have to say, I felt good. And although most of the women I met were affluent and successful, which was inspiring within itself, but that was not the most important part. What stuck out to me the most was the confidence they radiated as well as the high regard they had for each other, and to me that is what success truly is. Life is a battle, but you always have to remember that you are not the only one fighting the battle. The "vault," to me, is a network of people who help each other from the bombs thrown at them.
]]> InstaProblem tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1620362 2012-06-26T10:55:47-04:00 2012-08-26T05:12:05-04:00 Jane Buckingham http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jane-buckingham/
Seems my son has an uncanny ability to find sites and apps that kids his age will soon adopt. Webkinz, Moshi Monsters, Wizards 101 and several months ago, Instagram.

Now, Instagram was hardly news, but the fact that it was beginning to spread among tweens was new news. I reluctantly let him sign up. Within a week five friends, then 20, and suddenly they weren't just following him but ME. My followers practically doubled overnight. As did his.

Today, I received a query from a friend asking what to do. She didn't like that her daughter was on it; and she wanted some advice. Before I could sit down to answer I received an email from my school discussing the issue. While they didn't want to prohibit it, they did want to point out some of the issues.

Hence, a generational issue. The kids are all about how many "likes" they have on each photo and how many followers they have. It is instant approval (or disapproval). I can "judge" it, but the reality is, it's now part of our culture. My goal is to help my kids be as safe and resilient through the ups and downs of it as possible.

Here are a few tips:

First off, Instagram doesn't offer an age range before 1999. So if your kids on he's lying about his age. Strike one for me.

Second, ANYONE can see your kids photos and profile -- unless they make it private. That way only people they approve can see it. PHEW, one for us.

Next: Make sure the Geolocating feature is off. Geolocating tags the photo to say almost exactly where your kid is. AWESOME. It's off. Wait, now on!! With the simple switch of a button it can mistakenly be changed. Let your child know the issue behind this.

Fourth: Don't use your real name or photo. Unless he is a watermelon, we are good here.

There is a great article my school passed that offers good tips: "Instagram -- Is It Okay for Kids? What Parents Need to Know."

Now, Im sure many of you will just shut off your kids accounts. Fact is there is inappropriate content your kid could be exposed to. And more power to you. It may well be the best thing to do. However, I recall a lecture I attended by a tech expert who let his child in Facebook at age 11. After we all mentally chastised him, he went on to explain that at 11, his son let him sit with him as he posted, allowing the dad to explain what was right (and questionable). He wasn't so sure how that would go in a few years. Another mom whose daughter joined at 13, created a fake profile for herself (with her daughter). That way she could be "friends" with her daughter without everyone knowing it was her mom.

Like they say, small kids -- small problems. Big kids -- big problems.

In some ways I would rather he make those mistakes on Instagram now.

What do you think? You can follow at DecentDaughters.

But please, just not him!]]> Great Gifts for Dad Under $100 tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1587806 2012-06-13T00:42:47-04:00 2012-08-12T05:12:06-04:00 Jane Buckingham http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jane-buckingham/
]]> 10 Great Gifts For Moms Under $75 tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1438521 2012-04-19T16:46:02-04:00 2012-06-19T05:12:01-04:00 Jane Buckingham http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jane-buckingham/ ]]> Top 10 Valentine's Day Gifts tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1256456 2012-02-06T10:39:59-05:00 2012-04-07T05:12:01-04:00 Jane Buckingham http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jane-buckingham/ ]]> The Best Gifts That Give Back tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.1157085 2011-12-20T17:12:04-05:00 2012-02-19T05:12:01-05:00 Jane Buckingham http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jane-buckingham/ ]]> Hot Gifts for the Hard to Shop for tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.1135644 2011-12-12T15:33:29-05:00 2012-02-11T05:12:01-05:00 Jane Buckingham http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jane-buckingham/ ]]> Kik Me Baby One More Time tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.1096547 2011-11-17T09:21:06-05:00 2012-01-17T05:12:01-05:00 Jane Buckingham http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jane-buckingham/
But KIKing. Kiking is killing me.

For those of you who don't know, KIK messenger is a free texting service that crosses platforms (iTouch, iPhone, Android, Blackberry, you name it) allowing anyone to communicate in a chat, or group chat, even without mobile cell service. While I applaud the app's ability (and there are many others like it), I don't think they intended the effects it would have.

As a trend forecaster, it was interesting to watch the KIK trend spread in my own house. In less then a year it went from my 10-year-old son and two or three of his friends occasionally "Kiking" each other to say hi or pass along news, to an explosion among not only his, but my eight-year-old daughters friends. Suddenly KIKing had new meaning, with the ping of a new message arriving at every hour of the day -- and night. Kids raced to see who had kiked them and formed multiple user chats with some "In" and others "out". On the positive side, new friendships were formed, as I saw my son reach out beyond his "inner circle" and talk to kids he spends less time with at school. Yet, parents who thought their kids were safely asleep in bed were KIKING with abandon (mine, Im sorry to say, included). And while some brave parents deleted the app, the rest of us stood by wondering what to do.

I attended a powerful seminar by Rachel Simmons, author of The Curse of the Good Girl, at The Marlborough School. She talked about the addiction to texting, and how teen and preteen girls took each text as a sign of validation. Each text or like or message made them feel "worthy." And after awhile, they couldn't function without the constant feedback.

So time limits were imposed. Devices were confiscated at bedtime and not released until homework was done the next night. But the KIK's were still there, in the background, with my children having as many messages to return when they logged on as I do after a sick day and a constant sense that everyone was kicking without them.

The pleas of my children were just as Rachel Simmons predicted. My daughter claimed that she was going to be left out of her groups of friends if not let on. My son argued that kiking was more efficient as it took less time then on the phone and he preferred to KIK then talk.

And the Kiking continued.

I made the rules more stringent, which only gave me the title of "Meanest Mom in the World" at home. But I still didn't delete the app, and still felt paralyzed.

It was only after attending an enlightening panel at The Center For Early Education hosted by Common Sense Media http://www.commonsensemedia.org/ that I figured out what to do. The panel was comprised of Attorney General Kamala Harris, Jim Steyer, founder of the online advocacy group Common Sense Media, Mandeep Singh Dhillon, creator of a social network for children and parents called Togetherville; and moderated by Willow Bay, (among other impressive credentials), the Huffington Post senior editor. Mind you no one mentioned KIK. Texting barely came up. The panel focused on privacy, legislation, and some strategies. And each of the panelists made strong points. But the one I took away most was made by Willow Bay, who was moderating, not even a said "expert", but also a mom.

Her point was this. Reach out to the to the parents. Help monitor each other. Make rules that everyone follows. You are a community. Attorney General Kamala Harris had made a similar point earlier in the evening about everyone leaning out their windows to see what the kids were up to. The watchful "elders" helped keep everyone in line.

Simple. I know.

But for whatever reason, while the parents had been talking about clothing, or activities or grades, few of us had talked to each other about this. Perhaps we were all embarrassed. Perhaps we didn't want to seem like the "uncool" parent. Perhaps every other kids' usage seemed more flagrant than our own. Whatever the reason, it was a missed opportunity. By talking to each other we were quickly able to get a handle on what other parents were seeing (my child it seemed, had been on KIK at 10:30pm one night when I was out of town!), and get a better sense of other parents' levels of concern, or lack thereof. Suddenly we felt more empowered to tell the kids that each parent was checking, (so, ahem, things like 10:30pm KIKS would not go unnoticed). In practically one day the rules became more consistent among us all. And as we know, children like rules and limits. The uncensored KIKing made them all feel a manic need to connect. Now that there were concerned and watchful parent's eyes on either side, the pressure was more to take time off then to constantly text.

Now, I know some of you would say that's unnecessary, that you should make your own rules, and that's what your family does. And I agree... BUT this tidal wave of tech-pressure is sometimes easier fought as a group. And while I want my daughter to have the internal reserves to not worry if she is left out of a conversation (as there will be more to follow), it is also nice to know that she doesn't need to feel there is an entire social life going on that she is not part of.

Don't get me wrong there are many good reasons for exposing your kids to technology and reasons to limit it. And when it comes to taking on the tough tasks, perhaps it really does take a village -- even if it is a virtual one.

I'd love your feedback, just don't Kik me.]]> Hot for Back to School 2011 tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.922924 2011-08-11T14:43:21-04:00 2011-10-11T05:12:01-04:00 Jane Buckingham http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jane-buckingham/

]]> Not Such Neighborly Love tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.905890 2011-07-21T18:56:21-04:00 2011-09-20T05:12:01-04:00 Jane Buckingham http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jane-buckingham/ study, conducted on behalf of the White Pages, discovered that more Americans know their neighbors' cars than their neighbors' kids. Most people don't know their neighbors' first names, let alone cellphone numbers or email addresses. Well, I guess if I were more worried about my car being stolen than my kid being kidnapped, I would take great comfort in that fact. But since I do have insurance on my car and I consider my kids irreplaceable, I'm wishing "neighborly love" wasn't a thing of the past.

Consider me old-fashioned but when my new neighbors moved in I baked them brownies (okay, yes, from a mix, but still). I introduced myself and let them know we'd always be around if needed. One time they did take me up on the offer and asked for bread in a kids' lunch "emergency"; hopefully I can return the ask if I'm ever in need. My husband travels and although we have alarms, dogs, and every security measure, I like to know that I can count on my neighbors should anything go wrong.

So what happened to getting to know our neighbors? In the 50s and 60s our neighborhoods seemed safer and friendlier. What happened to riding around on bicycles, throwing block parties and selling lemonade? Everyone knew each other and benefited from the friendly connections. Not only does knowing your neighbor facilitate friendships, but it typically cuts down on crime. Sure, you may poke fun at the Desperate Housewives but at least they help each other out (when they're not stabbing each other in the back). Are we really all so busy that we can't say hello? Are we so skeptical that we think our neighbor is the next terrorist? (And if he is, shouldn't we gather enough intel to report him?).

The good news is that 67% of Americans who have neighbors would like to get to know them better. There's even a National Night Out event designed to ignite friendships as well as help prevent crime (who knew?) Basically they figure neighbors who know (and like) each other will look out for each other... makes sense. Since 1984 over 15,000 communities and 37 million people have taken part in the event. Basically it's a block party with food, fun and a visit from local police. In the spirit of exchanging contact information, National Night Out partnered with the White Pages where you can easily find your neighbors addresses and phone numbers. It may not guarantee your car won't get stolen from your driveway, but at least you'll know your neighbors face better than their vanity plate.
]]> The Trend Triple Threat tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.897848 2011-07-14T15:56:19-04:00 2011-09-13T05:12:02-04:00 Jane Buckingham http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jane-buckingham/ find your trends???" The answer is never easy. It's always a complicated mix of talking, reading, researching, travelling and on and on. However, after a recent dinner with friends, I left with not one but three trends I hadn't yet heard about. I was giddy as a schoolgirl and couldn't wait to see where they might lead...

The Femivore
Although polarizing mom stereotypes dominated the last decade between schlepping soccer moms and absent career women, there is a new breed of mother who offers an interesting hybrid of the two, the Femivore. Although originally written about in the New York Times in 2010, we haven't read much about her lately, but you've undoubtedly seen here in her wellies, on her way into Whole Foods with her reusable bags. Of course, she's only stopping in for the products she can't buy at the local farmer's market or better yet, grown at home. The extreme Femivore has her own chickens, but has learned through experience in the work world not to count them before they hatch. She is likely to be well educated, self-sufficient and prides herself on how well she nurtures her household and herself -- because it's as much about personal fulfillment as it is about her family. Will the Femivore find all this ultimately worthwhile and a way to, as the NYT said, "embrace homemaking without becoming Betty Draper"? Will it change the way we eat and live as a society? Or will women get tired of tending their gardens and move on once the kids have grown? In the meantime, beware the Femivore, and don't ever call her a Soccer Mom.

Carnivore Girls
From across the globe comes another new moniker for a very different kind of gal. Times have been tough for Japan over the last few decades. Recent financial stagnation has displaced Japanese men from their societal pedestals, because persistent unemployment clashes with traditional notions of machoism and submissive women. The men are at a loss of how to revive Japan's faltering economy. Who will rescue them??? THE WOMEN! Enter the new gender dichotomy: Herbivore Boys and Carnivore Girls, a flip of traditional gender roles in a nation steeped in tradition. Rising female empowerment gave shape to the Carnivore Girls class, women characterized by their killer style and independence in the workplace and in love. Calling the shots over the more effeminate males, Carnivore Girls are crowding Japan's chic restaurants to order raw chicken, pork, beef and even horse meat -- a contrast to conventional raw fish sushi. This battle between meat and fish is much like Japan's emerging battle of the sexes. The women are large and in charge, much like the "riot grrlls" of the early aughts over in America. But maybe these carnivorous chicks should be called "RAAAAWWWW grls." Clearly his trend will affect more than just cuisine, as we could see a major societal role shift in Japan's conservative culture should the Carnivore Girls really bite.

Foragers
That night, I was dining at Ray's, a fairly new restaurant in LA outside the increasingly fabulous LACMA museum. The food from chef Kris Morningstar was delicious and clearly fresh, but upon further inquiry, I discovered that the restaurant employs a "forager." While immediate images of the Hobbit came to mind, it turns out that this rather normal looking individual goes out every day to local farms, open spaces, and individual producers to uncover the hippest, freshest ingredients. This curious culinary career was how I wound up enjoying a succulent nectarine salad with buratta, foraged lettuce, and lambs' quarters. Although "farm to table" isn't the newest trend, foraging was a foreign concept. While hunting and gathering feels like a step backwards, it is a step forward for haute cuisine, and eventually our daily diets. ]]> Great Last-Minute Father's Day Gifts tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.878854 2011-06-17T12:33:29-04:00 2011-08-17T05:12:01-04:00 Jane Buckingham http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jane-buckingham/ ]]>