Jennifer Gardella2013-05-19T04:00:43-04:00Jennifer Gardellahttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/author/index.php?author=jennifer-gardellaCopyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc.HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Jennifer GardellaGood old fashioned elbow grease.Online Dating: Kmart or Crack?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.32309422013-05-08T14:09:41-04:002013-05-08T14:09:48-04:00Jennifer Gardellahttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-gardella/
Everyone keeps telling me to give online dating a try. Just recently Martha Stewart posted a profile. Why not me?
But I can't shake the feeling that going online to find a date is like being dragged to Kmart as a teenager. You may have had that childhood experience running errands with a parent when all of a sudden it was announced "I just have to pick something up at Kmart." You believe that stepping foot in the store is an act of social suicide. You protest, expressing concern that someone will spot you, to which your parent answered, "Well if they see you shopping in Kmart, clearly they are also shopping in Kmart, so what is the problem?" The problem is that I am spotted shopping in Kmart, end of story.
And this is my general feeling about looking for love online. It would be horrible for someone I know to see my profile, as if it is some indication that I am so pathetic I have to look for love online. But, it also means they are online as well. Yeah, still no.
So in preparation for writing about this perception of online dating I did some research and received stories from friends of both marriages and stalking. This blog post was ready to roll. My position was cemented, never ever ever. But then thought I can't write about online dating having never tried. So, late one night last week I started a profile and I quickly realized online dating is not like Kmart; it's like how many have described the feeling after taking a hit of crack cocaine -- completely intoxicating, utterly insane, and very very addicting.
I instantly started getting messages... wait what? Guys are interested? In me?
I sifted through profiles. Now, I have a very clear idea of what I am looking for in a potential date and a detailed list of deal breakers. I was concerned both may be too over-analyzed. But I learned others have put the time in developing their own lists. Men describing in great detail that they are not looking for crazy:
"crazy looks like you sitting in front of my house for hours and sending me 100 text messages I do not reply to."
Or my personal favorite:
"Seriously, one cat is OK, two cats means you'd better be amazing and three cats means invariably you are on more than a few mood stabilizing drugs. Seriously... this is not my first rodeo."
Drugs, uncontrolled anxiety, and smoking are on my list of deal-breakers, but pets? Maybe gangs of iguanas and ferrets running around a house -- but a few cats? I don't have cats by the way.
As I searched through pictures, I wanted to message people and say "Taking a snapshot of you on an unmade bed with a full basket of laundry to be folded is not hot." I also started to wonder how some guys look incredibly hot in one of their pictures but then like a serial killer in another. Some look like they only want to steal my children and sell them into slavery -- and yes, I know that look, mother's instinct. There were pictures of men with white patent leather shoes, gold chains, others holding large fish, guns, and chain saws. Some men try to impress by posting images lifting heavy objects -- large rocks and tree stumps. I saw a lot of camouflage and guys with expressions of "hey baby." And yet, as pathetic as it all seemed, I couldn't stop looking.
It became clear that men didn't pay attention to women's profiles. I was contacted by men in Maryland and New York (yet in my profile I state you must live within 20 minutes of Quaker Bridge Mall). I wrote I am looking in the age range of 42-47, but received messages from 22-55 year olds. One potential 55-year-old suitor wrote to let me know that my age restriction was ridiculous, and I pondered his delivery and thought "is he really starting off this relationship criticizing me? That is not going to go well."
During my experiment I didn't see anyone I knew and my Kmart theory started to fade. But, I can see it being exhausting. I have been warned that so many profiles are faked by psychos and stalkers, and a few may eventually require a restraining order. How many times will I have to introduce myself to someone new before the process gets stale? With working and raising my kids I'll need a personal assistant to handle the messaging. ut it could be worth it, there are many who have found great love. Hmm... lots to think about.
And then it happened. Someone very interesting sent me a message. He fit all of my criteria and I had a decision to make -- play big or go home. I wasn't going to engage if I wasn't interested, that wouldn't be fair. I'm not disclosing details but I will share that my preconceived notions are starting to collapse. As always faithful readers... I will keep you posted.
So I need to run and address the messages waiting in my inbox. A guy with the user name of Wizard will not leave me alone. Shocking that I am passing up the opportunity to meet the Wizard. There is also a 21-year-old, who has sent me a number of messages explaining he is desperate to give me a foot massage. Um... no.]]>My Shawshank Tunneltag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.29356812013-03-29T14:01:36-04:002013-03-29T14:01:04-04:00Jennifer Gardellahttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-gardella/
You may know the scene from the movie: Andy Dufresne escapes from prison through a sewage pipe and crawls through 500 yards "smelling foulness I can't even imagine." This is very similar to the post-divorce proverbial tunnel. For you, it may feel dark, it may actually smell foul, you may wonder what will happen next, and often ask "when will it ever end?"
Everyone who enters the post-divorce tunnel has a very different set of tasks to complete. You may need to find a place to live, a new job and secure health insurance. All sorts of accounts will need to be separated and possessions divided. Your ex could be parading around a new significant other and that requires adjustment. You may be changing your name, opening new financial accounts and learning to cook for one. There may be substantial emotional healing to process and strength to build. There is a lot to be dealt with in the tunnel.
As a divorced mom of three daughters, I am often called upon by friends and strangers for my best advice on how to get through their divorce. And while I have helped them to see that all will be ok, I actually haven't been able give them advice on how to get through the tunnel, because until recently, I never experienced it. When I came out of my marriage, I jumped into two back-to-back relationships, each shielding me from the tunnel experience. I was not required to find full-time employment because I was working on my doctorate, and then worked for my most recent ex. I didn't have to find a place to live because when I wasn't with my kids, I stayed with my boyfriend.
But in January, my relationship ended and I found myself about to enter the Shawshank tunnel for the first time. I was devastated. It wasn't the end of the relationship that caused me pain, the end was a relief. Rather, it was a feeling of "how did I get to a point where at 43 years old, I am homeless for half of each month, unemployed (since I had worked for my ex), still have an incomplete dissertation, too much weight on my hips, and a high BMI?" Just as Andy was desperate to get into that tunnel and start crawling to a better life, well, so was I.
As I started to craw,l I was shocked to realize a newfound abundance of emotional energy. Previously, every last bit of that energy had been dumped into a relationship that hadn't been working. With that emotional space free, I found great peace, and saw nothing but opportunities. In fact, I was happier than ever, even though I was crawling through proverbial sewage.
For me, there is a beautiful simplicity to the tunnel. Your choices are limited to standing still, going forward or moving backward. I had absolutely no desire to stay stuck or go backward, so forward I moved. Some steps have been big, some have been messy, and others I have taken on blind faith. I just keep moving, focused and determined. Self doubt lives in the sewage of the tunnel and I suffocate it when it surfaces. My inner core strength and close circle of friends act as continual reminders that I am strong enough, talented enough, and resourceful enough to make it out to the other side. Armed with my newfound feeling of inner peace, my resolve is stronger than ever. I have fully embraced the process of tunnel crawling.
The tunnel allows great focus because you just can't stand up and look around, after all, you are in a tiny tunnel; if you stand up you'll hit your head. Also, there aren't many distractions in the tunnel, so I remain focused. Well that's not entirely true, I have allowed one distraction in -- hey, a girl can have a little fun, can't she?
What have I accomplished so far while crawling in the tunnel? I have found a very peaceful space to stay with two amazing friends when I am not with my children. These fabulous women have welcomed me into their families and homes and just as important as the roof over my head is the friendship they provide. I have also finished my dissertation which I will defend in early April and I am contracted to teach during the summer. When I first jumped into the tunnel, I made a commitment to eating healthier and exercising more. I've lost 15 pounds, fit into my skinny jeans (filled out better than ever due to endless squats) and my BMI is normal. Oh, and did I mention I'm launching a business? Not too bad for eight weeks.
But while many pieces have come together, I'm still in the tunnel. Next up is getting my professional life in order. My business launches in late April and the job search continues. My amazing business coach Marcus Padulchick has helped me realize that I should go in search of the right job, not just any job. I have built a diverse skill set and impressive credentials over the last 20 years and the right job will come along. I thank Marcus in my heart every day for his sage advice. I'm committed to the process of the tunnel and want the process to work itself out in the right time.
This crawling that I have done has brought fullness to my life I never anticipated. Opportunities, ideas, and most importantly, people have found their way to my path and are extraordinary additions. This stage of putting together the foundation of my post-divorce life is exciting. While I am enjoying my time in the tunnel, I am looking forward to crawling out -- but I'm just not there yet. A little more time in the tunnel will do me some good. And at the end of the tunnel is when the building work begins. Building on all of this excitement, finding the right person to share it with, and then the beginning of my journey to my Zihuatanejo.]]>Your Divorce Welcome Wagontag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.24512722013-01-16T20:10:59-05:002013-03-18T05:12:01-04:00Jennifer Gardellahttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-gardella/ January is reportedly divorce month, as lawyers notice a sharp increase in divorce filings at the start of the year. Many people grin and bear it throughout the holidays; the goal was to reach 2013 and start the divorce process first thing in January. If you fall into this group, you are not alone.
For me, this means my phone will buzz a few extra times this month because I have somehow emerged as the town Divorce Welcome Wagon. You might have moved into a new dwelling and experienced a welcome wagon, either through a packet of coupons and flyers that arrive in the mail or perhaps a ladies auxiliary pay you a visit. The goal is to welcome you and hopefully provide information on assimilating into the community. Individuals who are divorcing need such a welcome.
As our local Divorce Welcome Wagon, every once in a while I get a call from an acquaintance to have lunch. Usually I know them socially from the pool club or maybe the soccer fields. I hope they are reaching out because they want a new friend (and I am an awesome friend) or maybe they want advice on entering a PhD program as part of a mid-life crisis like I did. But unfortunately, before our lunch orders are even taken, I usually find my lunch date sobbing that they are getting a divorce. I am one of the first people they tell before most family and friends. I consider the confidence they place in me a great honor and I take it very seriously.
They have reached out to me, because they know that I weathered the divorce storm in our very small community. They want reassurances that they will be ok, their children will be ok and that there is at least some chance they will find happiness at the end of the insanity they have correctly imagined will ensue. They know I have been through the war and came out on the other side, and they want details on how I survived.
I always start out with the same line that was imparted to me at the start of my divorce process: "Getting divorced sucks, being divorced does not suck."
It doesn't matter the reason for your divorce; even if you are running at top speed out of your marriage shouting "yipeeee!!!," getting divorced still sucks. This is true for many many reasons. A divorce is a death of a marriage. No matter how horrible the marriage was, you will mourn the loss of it. You may have been dumped, cheated on or lied to, but you will still grieve. While you may have moved on in your personal life, there are times when you will be sad. Divorce also sucks because it feels as if the legal system is creeping into your life and setting up shop -- permanently. Every single nook and cranny of your life is examined; every financial aspect is put under a microscope. Honestly, it is like being audited by the IRS. You need to look into a crystal ball and determine how you want to live a new life that you can't even possibly imagine because you are grieving the loss of the one you thought was going to be around forever. So, be warned, it is horrible. But being divorced does not suck.
I need to tell you first and foremost that you will be OK. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you exactly how that is going to happen. Just as each marriage, and the demise of each marriage, is different, so is every divorce, and so is every post-divorce life. Honestly, I don't know any divorcee that wants their marriage back. Most people realize that they are much happier post-divorce. Even if they thought they were happily married, they come to realize that they really were not.You will get to this point -- that I can promise.
Second, your children will also be OK. My therapist was the one who put this in perspective for me. The fact that your children come from a divorced family will be a very small piece of their directory information; it is just a label and that label does not define who they really are on the inside. My children were born superstars and so were yours; just because their parents are getting divorced doesn't mean they aren't superstars anymore.
Regardless of the support system you have in your life, you need a good therapist. Finding a therapist is like finding a nursery school for your kids; when you visit, you feel safe and that you belong. ou need to be willing to get psychologically naked with your therapist and that will take a high level of comfort. This comfort is critical because the only way to work on yourself and heal from the loss of divorce is to share every intimate detail. I found my therapist through a friend, you can also ask your general doctor and your divorce attorney for recommendations.
In keeping with my commitment to painful honesty, you will lose friends. People today don't know what the heck to do when a couple splits up. Either they stay friends with one member of the couple or dump both of you. I found out the hard way who my friends were and realized very quickly that I didn't have many real ones. And that was actually OK, because I wound up with a few gems. Furthermore, your divorce, and your decision to divorce, will be tried in the court of the gossip and public opinion, and you may find your "friends" playing judge and jury. Women, some of whom I considered to be very close friends, were vicious with their judgment, spreading lies and rumors. It was horrifying but eye opening at the same time. It was painful to lose friends.
Those are the highlights of my first conversation with these extraordinary women. I never expected to be a source for divorce support, but I am up to the task. I'm happy to report that after all is said and done, these women come out of their own divorces a little stronger and wiser, and knowing that I helped them through the turmoil is very rewarding.
If you are going through a divorce and don't think anyone will understand, reach out to a divorced friend. I bet you will find a very strong heart ready and willing to open to you.]]>The Tradition Lies With Metag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.22727512012-12-18T18:15:37-05:002013-02-17T05:12:01-05:00Jennifer Gardellahttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-gardella/
I love traditions: the annual picture with Santa (my kids hate that one), dressing up for a holiday, the order presents are opened under the tree, going to Aunt so-and-so's for Thanksgiving. And a few years ago, due to my divorce, some of those traditions disappeared for my children. And I was ok with that. While my original plan was for my children to have long-standing traditions at the holiday times, we would cement new ones.
This year, as my third post-divorce Thanksgiving rolled around, I found myself making a set of plans different from the past. In fact, for each of the last three Thanksgivings, we have celebrated with different people. My kids and I were having yet another Thanksgiving experience with a different group. And I sat and thought, where is the tradition in that?
Don't get me wrong, I was very excited. My boyfriend Ed and I were hosting Thanksgiving at his house. We have been dating for about a year and he has invested significant time in getting to know my girls. He proved himself worthy. My children were meeting his family for the first time. We had planned a very traditional but casual event. I spiffed up his bachelor pad a bit with some new house wares and had a meticulous plan of attack for food preparation. Our two type-A control freak personalities had joined forces and were committed to not killing each other in the kitchen (the wildcard of the day).
But my kids have been through this before with my ex-boyfriend's family. That family welcomed my girls and I with opened arms. We were part of all holidays, vacations and birthday celebrations. My daughters were close with his nieces, attending each other's events and having sleepovers. I thought it was great that they got attached because in my mind, the relationship was going to last forever. And then that relationship ended. We were so tight with the relatives that the family wanted to keep us (rather than my ex-boyfriend). But when I searched my soul, they were not our kin, they were his. They weren't our family, no matter how much I wanted them to be. And given the split, and for many reasons, those relationships couldn't continue.
So this Thanksgiving, I was wondering if my children were thinking, "here we go again." Was this "another year, another boyfriend?" Were they reluctant to get to know Ed's family because of the pain they went through when they lost friendships the last time? Did they trust me enough to know that I trying not to make the same mistake again? Was I making a mistake in bringing them in before a bigger commitment had been made in the relationship? Perhaps the greatest question of all -- was I overanalyzing this situation?
However, as the food was passed around the table, what I came to realize is that in all of my analysis, I failed to consider that there actually was a constant for my girls' Thanksgivings. The tradition of the holiday, that thing they will remember above the other people at the table, is the fact that they have been with me each Thanksgiving; that we were together. The other players, the table and the house where we break bread may have changed a few times, but the four of us were a unit.
Just to be clear, I didn't bring them into this Thanksgiving lightly. I do consider this current relationship to be the one for the long haul, far more than the last. But the mistake of the last, and how it affected my girls, still stings. It doesn't happen often, but I sometimes slip into that dark place wherein lies the question: "How did I get it so wrong and was it worth the pain I put my children through?" Well, as Wayne Dyer says, "the wake can't drive the boat." So I move forward.
From the very minute I became a single mom, I have struggled with my children meeting my new relationships. How far do I allow them to go in? Given the wreck of my last relationship, I actually talked to my current boyfriend about all this on our first date. I remember mumbling something about how he wouldn't be meeting my kids for a while... I had to go slow...my kids had been hurt (heavy first date stuff -- it's quite shocking there was a second date).
But, even when you wait an appropriate amount of time to make sure the relationship is on solid ground, when you are ready to bring your children in, you could be making a mistake. And that is ok. Expecting perfection from yourself is unrealistic. If you correctly set your intentions, all will be fine. You'll stumble a bit, but it is good for kids to see their parents self-correct. And if your kids get hurt in the process because of attachments they formed, do the right thing and apologize and promise to learn for the next time.
My kids get it. They know they are by birthright on my path with me, whether they like it or not. Sure, they have their own lives, but those are intertwined with mine. And since they are my daughters, my decisions affect them. At the end of the day, they know I don't make any decisions lightly. We all move forward together, stumbling over one another, but remaining a strong unit. We are not the traditional unit I had in mind long ago when they are born, but I find us to be quite awesome just the same.]]>