Lucy Danziger2013-05-22T15:15:27-04:00Lucy Danzigerhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/author/index.php?author=lucy-danzigerCopyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc.HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Lucy DanzigerGood old fashioned elbow grease.Why Michael Phelps' Abs Matter (and Other Olympic Theories)tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.17093392012-07-27T08:30:12-04:002012-09-26T05:12:33-04:00Lucy Danzigerhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/lucy-danziger/ Theory Number 1: What I like to call The Biggest Loser Effect.
This is when you think, "I can't do that (lose like 400 pounds), but I can do something -- skip dessert or late-night ice cream binges." Drop a little weight? That seems totally doable when you follow folks who start out morbidly obese bravely and publically shrink to slender hottie status before your very eyes.
The same is true when watching Olympic athletes. They're extraordinary in every way: physique, training, mental strength, fortitude, dedication. And let's not forget their parents: the mom willing to put everything on hold to drive young Michael to the pool and sit there for hours. It is literally a lifetime commitment by all involved -- athlete and loved ones. We watch them jump high, run fast, tumble and spin in the air and land on a 4-inch-wide beam, or soar into the air and then alight and hold on to bendy blond wooden parallel bars. And as we sit in front of the TV, we think, "Hey! I can at least run for 20 minutes or jump into the pool and swim a few laps!" Or maybe even -- God love us all -- run a race!
This loser effect is like a halo of transference. These amazingly beautiful athletes look like heroes. As I watch, I too think I can be less of a zero if I just got off the couch.
Which brings me to Theory Number 2: The Delusional Narcissistic Faux-Athlete Syndrome.
This is a national epidemic. It's happening all the time, not just during the Olympics, although it's heightened during the Games. Most often, we see signs of this faux-athlete syndrome during playoffs, when guys, especially, watch (often in a sports bar, often buzzed or drunk) and think, "I could be like Derek Jeter!"
It usually involves reminiscing about their own glory years as a high school shortstop, or Pee Wee QB or game-winning star who eventually, tragically, inexplicably got injured, missed being recruited by the majors by thismuch and are now stuck on a bar stool commentating, watching today's superstars with a wistful notion that "I coulda been a contender!"
For women, it plays out most often in the judged sports like gymnastics (or, in winter, ice-skating), where the athletes are often young and sparkly -- literally the girl we used to be. Former riders watch equestrian, rowers (yes, that includes me) make those in the room suffer through crew races, and runners absorb every inch, heat and moment of track and field. We sit, watch and think, "That could have been me."
On to Theory Number 3: Athletes Are Rock Stars. Proof: My teenage daughter swoons at the sight of Michael Phelps in a Speedo. Men and women alike ogle the sexy shots of female swimmers, from Natalie Coughlin in a shimmery gold suit for Men's Vogue (during the last summer Olympiad) to Amanda Beard posing in Playboy in 2007. I say, "Go for it, girls!" Why not let anyone who's not shy show off a sexy, sporty, strong body made by nature -- with a big assist from training and healthy eating?! You're only young once, and this is a healthier body type for my daughter and her friends to emulate than one built in a plastic surgeon's office or, worse, by starving or doing no activity at all and smoking as an appetite suppressant and food alternative. Got it? Flaunt it. We can all admire a sporty, sexy body even if we will never actually recognize such muscles on ourselves.
For those who say we objectify women by appreciating their beautiful bodies, I say, Equal opportunity gawking is allowed at the Olympics. We can all "ooh" and "ah" over the gorgeous bodies of divers and soccer players and swimmers and sprinters and cyclists of both sexes and find them motivating. Body beauty inspires me and always has.
At 16, as a varsity rower at my beloved boarding school, I ripped out beautiful female athlete photos from magazines and put them on my wall as a reminder of what the body can look like, built by sport and active living. (I didn't know that one day I would create these images to inspire other women.) After this decorating exercise, my dorm mistress came into my room, pointed to the pictures and asked me if I was gay. I explained that no, I didn't happen to be. I was simply an athlete, inspired by other athletes. She shook her head and walked out. I decided then and there that it didn't matter what others thought. Watching athletic women has always motivated me to be more athletic myself -- they are rock stars to me.
Theory Number 4: Close, But No Cigar. True athletes know how impossible it is for any mere mortal to do godlike things. Many young athletes get to the level just below great, though they still try to push through to greatest. I struck up a conversation on a plane with a young swimmer not long ago, who said he was a short-distance competitor like Phelps. "How fast do you do the 100 free?" I asked him. "About three seconds slower than Phelps," he answered. Three? That's good right? "No," he explained. You could fit hundreds of people in that three-second gap -- it gets harder and harder every 100th of a second you get closer to the fastest times. Shaving off those last three seconds would be a life's work, and you still may never do it! The world is full of Olympic hopefuls who watch the Games and appreciate that despite years of hard work and dedication, there's no guarantee of making it. Still you can live a healthy life and even go on to be a master athlete. There are many accomplished marathoners and swimmers and cyclists who regularly win their age groups at elite events around the country well into their retirement years!
I have known and admired Dara Torres all her adult life, and although she didn't make the team this year, at 45 she was among the oldest (there's an equestrian in her 50s) still testing herself against the teenagers. That gives me the extra shot of inspiration I need to wake up and join an amateur team of younger triathletes in the morning for training and try not only to hang on to the back of the pace line, but occasionally do well enough to make them run or swim or bike a little faster, not wanting to be beaten by old-enough-to-be-your-mother me! And I'll keep challenging myself even as I get older and slower because, really, trying to be my personal best is the goal.
So when you watch the Olympics in the next 14 days and feel inspired, think about what it is that moves you. Then realize this: It doesn't really matter. Just get moving!]]>'The Drop 10 Diet': 10 Stay-Slim Tips For Lifetag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//2012-04-03T08:32:42-04:002012-04-03T17:02:04-04:00Lucy Danzigerhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/lucy-danziger/
What diet are you on? What pill are you taking? The answer, boringly enough, is: I eat the healthiest foods I can find. It's not really a diet but a mindset-when you eat this way, you're never hungry, don't have to count calories and you can even have a treat every day. And no, I hate pills. I don't even take Tylenol. People would hear this and roll their eyes and huff and say, whatever. They chalked up my weight loss to the fact that I exercise a lot...but I have always exercised a lot and despite it, carried 20 to 25 extra pounds on me. I was fit underneath, but fat on top.
My turnaround came when I decided to ditch junk food and bring on superfoods-foods that naturally help your body burn fat and be healthier. (Two of my all-time faves-coffee and dark chocolate-qualify!) I started eating more of them and when the weight peeled off and stayed off, I knew I'd hit on something powerful. I put it all down in a book called The Drop 10 Diet because that's how many pounds you can lose in just 5 weeks, although you can keep going and lose as much as you want to. Eating this way, more than 40 testers shed weight equally as fast and as effortlessly as I did and now the idea has taken off.
The trick to the plan is to eat as many of the superfoods as you can at every meal and snack-each one is scientifically proven to help rev metabolism (protein and certain "good" fats do this) and shed belly fat (calcium is key). Some even keep every calorie you eat from sticking around (fiber is the magic ingredient here). By filling up on superfoods, you can, in just over one month, drop 10 pounds while staying full and satisfied. Plus, you'll have more energy, be less stressed, and feel more motivated to work out because you're fueling your body with the best nutrients Mother Nature can offer. Try it! There are 30 of these superfoods, including surprising picks like lean steak-its protein helps you build muscle, so your body burns more calories while you're sitting there reading this. Get The Drop 10 Diet and start losing, today! Let the foods do the work for you!
For more on diet and nutrition, click here. ]]>8 Ways Music Can Boost Your Workouttag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.8907762011-07-06T00:37:05-04:002011-09-04T05:12:01-04:00Lucy Danzigerhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/lucy-danziger/
A version of this story originally appeared on Self.com.]]>The U-Turn Weektag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2010:/theblog//3.8022862010-12-30T06:39:25-05:002011-05-25T18:20:30-04:00Lucy Danzigerhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/lucy-danziger/
She admitted that her childhood has impacted her entire adult life, saying that abuse "runs in my family." As part of her healing she now works at a shelter, and is working to get the message out to other women that they have the power to change their situations, if they find themselves in an abusive relationship. Her urging: "Just get out, just go. Anywhere, to a neighbor or friend, to a shelter, anywhere." Berry volunteers with the kids and the women at the shelter to give them hope and strength, and of course she talked about her own need to be strong, that she is still "healing" from these painful memories. We don't need to have such traumatic childhood scars to be reacting to our own past injuries. WE all do this, react to our memories, pretty much throughout our adult lives.
In "The Nine Rooms of Happiness' (out on paperback this week) in which my co-author, women's mental health expert Catherine Birndorf, MD, and I help women try to be happier by seeing their lives through the metaphor of an emotional house, we offer key processes for each room, which are helpful ways to think anew about things that make you unhappy in your daily lives. Looking at the past, in the basement (underlying your entire emotional present day dwelling) we call such memories "screen memories," since Freud found his patients would screen or filter their entire life's events through the childhood traumas or painful images that were unforgettable. Anything that you carry with you and that you can conjure easily is such a memory; Screening happens when these scenes play like mental movies in technicolor clarity on the screen of your brain.
Dr. Birndorf suggests that rather than just pack these painful screen memories away in the basement (the space that holds your past, in boxes such as trophies and year books, family scrapbooks and old toys) we'd suggest it's more useful and productive to revisit them, the way Berry is "healing" through her work for the shelter and offering strength to other women. Such new ways of coping with these memories can be called "re-metabolizing" or processing them anew, from a mature standpoint. By revisiting and re-metabolizing your past, you can come to a new understanding, that perhaps things can be different now; you get to choose not to participate in the dynamic of whatever relationship or pattern of behavior is causing you harm. The conflict and unhappiness that you're experiencing now--even if it's based in your past--can change if you want it to. It's a choice and you can leave, or make changes in your life that propel you forward, out of your past.
The point is that once you make such a decision, you pack those memories away in the basement and return to your emotional house and live your life today. Carry the past as baggage, and it will weigh you down. Now is it, we'd offer as our takeaway "pearl." So get back to the present and enjoy your life today and tomorrow. Which brings us to the future, the New Year, New You strain of thinking. As it gets closer to moment to ring in 2011, you tend to consider what you hope the future will bring. And it's this wrenching time between past and future that makes this week feel like an emotional and critical moment, a sort of cosmic, time-sensitive U-Turn. You have this one important week to pack away the past and look ahead, and decide how you want to be in the next calendar year and beyond.
It may be why, in the midst of blizzards and work vacations, you feel like you move through a time warp or suspended animation, where you travel away from the old you to the new one, full of expectations for becoming the best new version of yourself you can imagine, shedding old fears and harnesses (placed on you by yourself or others) that may have been holding you back. You're about to turn the corner to launch into the brand new year, with the hopes and dreams of your future arriving at your doorstep. You literally wake up and it's tomorrow and right now you need to think about what it is you want to accomplish (and no, a drunken resolution to get to the gym every day, made at 11:55 p.m. during a party on New Years Eve doesn't count).
Want inspiration? Here we'd toast the brave women who are reinventing themselves in this moment: Sandra Bullock, who found herself in an unhappy marriage, deciding to go ahead and adopt a baby that had been in the works, reinventing herself as a happy new mom with a vital production company and new love in her life (who is about three feet tall and adorably cuddly). And Jennifer Hudson, who got healthier, fitter, and super slim, once she became a mom, as a way of celebrating the new version of herself she wanted to be, for herself and her family.
And we celebrate the newly accessible Gwyneth Paltrow, who emerged from the private life of sequestered star and danced onto TV's center stage, singing and dancing on Glee and also putting herself out there as country music singer in the upcoming Country Strong. No porcelain diva here, she's taking risks and appears to be having the time of her life, Next year will also see the publication of her first cookbook, an ode to the shared joy of time spent cooking and eating, in the kitchen with her late father. It's brave to sing, to present yourself anew as a chef and author, and it's inspiring. The key process we'd offer anyone wanting to find a new career path or explore a happier new version of yourself can is called: Not to Decide is to Decide, meaning that if you don't take risks in order to evolve into the person you want to become, you are basically deciding to stay in your present day version of you.
If you are stuck, in a blah job, uninspiring or unhappy relationship, a body you feel could be healthier, fitter, stronger or slimmer, then you have the choice. Putting off doing what you really want to do is also a choice. The pearl here: Go or Grow, meaning go along with the status quo, or grow, take risks, and evolve. (How many of us will resolve to get healthier, fitter and slim down this coming year? Most of us, if past years is any indication!) Before you launch into 2011 think about the person you want to become and commit to making the changes you need to make it happen. So this is the week when you may want to tell yourself: "Go (along with the status quo) or grow (into the version of you that you want to become. Think about it: If Sandra can become a single mom, and Jennifer a svelte version of herself, and if Gwyneth can sing, cook and write, then we would ask, what can you do? What do you want to do or be? And what are you waiting for? Make 2011 the year you find out. ]]>The Nine Rooms Of Happiness: Who's Happy Now? Stars? Nah! (Other Than Beyoncé!)tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2010:/theblog//3.5237262010-04-04T07:00:00-04:002011-11-17T09:02:45-05:00Lucy Danzigerhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/lucy-danziger/New York Times that Sandra Bullock would be a happier woman without an Oscar and with her marriage intact. What? Why do these two things have to be linked?
Yes, her marriage to a man we now find out has been an inveterate cheater appears to be dissolving. But that doesn't mean that her other relationships, those with her friends and family, her work colleagues and production team, aren't strong and, in the long run, maybe even more important (or lasting at least) than her marriage bond. Connectivity to your community, getting involved in organizations (a charity, a sports league or some other activity beyond your work and family) and being around other happy people is what it's all about. (Note to self: Work with winning personalities, hang out with positive people.)
In my new book, The Nine Rooms of Happiness, coauthored with well-known New York psychiatrist Catherine Birndorf, M.D., we provide strategies for finding happiness in every "room" of your emotional house. You can have eight rooms neat and tidy (meaning happy), but if you focus on the mess, it's the one thing that can bring you down. We call this the "mess of the day," and on our website, NineRooms.com, hundreds of people are posting their messes and helping each other clean them up.
We all have our mess of the day. The important thing is not to let it steal our happiness, now or over the years of many messes. We shouldn't look back and say, "I should have been happier then. Why didn't I let the good overcome the bad?"
Meaningful relationships help us do that. Keeping those on track is the most important thing, we'd agree, but it goes well beyond a marriage (the bedroom) into other rooms, like the family room, where our nearest and dearest drive us crazy or rush in to help us when the chips are down.
We offer our nine key processes, or strategies, for communicating better, getting over conflict and being more authentic--basically learning to be happier in every "room" of your emotional house--to the stars. They are our "faux-riends," whose lives we all seem to follow as if they were our neighbors or our mutual friends. (Full disclosure: While I've met some of these people, I don't actually know them!) But these key processes aren't just for our faux-riends. You can use them, too, to be happier in every room of your emotional life.
Screening
This is basically living in the past. You screen your memories like movies in your brain. This takes place in the basement of your emotional house, where the scrapbooks, yearbooks and stuff of your childhood are stored. Freud called them screen memories because we filter everything in our lives through the "screen" of certain traumatic childhood events. You can get stuck in a pattern of constantly reacting to memories of your past and never fully grow up. So who is screening?
Lindsay Lohan is screening by acting like a petulant child and not owning up to the responsibilities of being an adult. Once a child star, always a child star? We'd say: Lindsay, put away the scrapbooks of your time as the It Girl star of Mean Girls. Get out of the basement and back to the rest of your house, where your friends and family want you to grow up and act your age.
Pinging
This is the sonarlike signal (used by dolphins to find their way through rocky waters into a clear open, safe sea) to get feedback that is both authentic and helpful. American Idol tryouts are painful to watch because the terrible singers never got pinging about the need to find a profession in, say, dental hygiene. By surrounding yourself with helpful advisors, honest pingers, you learn and grow. Eventually you become your authentic self by listening to your own inner feedback, which points you to true north, your true self.
A+B=C is the relationship equation
You are A, the other person is B and C is your relationship. You can't change anyone else, but you can change yourself, and that will change the outcome.
Elin and Tiger: She has a choice to make since obviously he is a philanderer, and while Elin may never be able to change him, she can only decide if she wants to stay with him or not.
Venn diagram
The two circles come together in the middle to create an overlap, just as two individuals come together to create a relationship. Sorry, you Jerry McGuire fans, but no one "completes" you, you complete yourself. In a healthy relationship, the overlap is enough to make both people happy, but you also have your own life outside the relationship in order to be a happy, independent person.
Beyonce and Jay Z seem to embody this idea, with their own winning careers and each one leading a complementary professional life. But they overlap as well, and when you get a glimpse of their relationship, at a Lakers game, for instance, you sense they are truly happy just sitting beside each other. This is a marriage built on mutual respect but not control.
Self-involvement
When you spend too much time gazing in the mirror, you're not enjoying relationships outside your self. Instead, you're all about you. There are a few stars who, no matter how well they perform, can't hide this propensity. Let's give this one to John Mayer! His narcissism led him to make racist comments in Rolling Stone and disrespect two women who did nothing to invite his nastiness...saying Jessica Simpson was "sexual napalm" and mocking Jennifer Aniston at the same time he's saying how incredible she is? John, get over yourself. Get away from the mirror, out to the rest of your emotional landscape. Life is big. And it's not all about you.
It's not either/or... it's both/and
You don't have to think, "Either I agree with everything about my friend/sister/loved one or I don't love her." You can both love her and accept your differences. Venus and Serena! They may want to trounce each other at the next tournament, but they are still the closest and most supportive friends and sisters. You can have conflict with your loved ones. In fact, conflict is more than OK, it's part of a healthy life.
Too much of a good thing
Angelina Jolie is a good example of how too much can be overwhelming. Too much of a good thing (charity work, kids, money, power) can become a bad thing if it means you're pulled in too many directions and unable to juggle it all. Angelina is so involved in trying to save the world, she looks sickly thin and rumors percolate about the strain on her marriage.
Balance, we like to say, is a beam walked in the gym in school. Balancing often leads to a fall. You have to prioritize and choose what you're doing first, then next. In the living room, our friends ask so much of us and we don't want to let anyone down. We call it the "giving room," because we feel required to give and give to others and never take care of ourselves. The airlines say put your own oxygen mask on first. Take care of yourself and be strong to help others. We say: Your commitments can suck the life out of you, but only if you let them. Learn to say no and take care of your health, yourself. It's not selfish, it's self-preservation.
Not to decide is to decide
Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart! Either be together or stop moping about. You could lose the moment, the opportunity to be happy and have a normal adult relationship. We apply this to every aspect of life: work, relationships, even a chance to buy a house at a great price. If you don't move forward, that's a decision. So for our Twilight lovebirds, this means: Go on and have a real relationship instead of denying or hinting at it coyly. For the rest of us it means go (along with the status quo) or grow. The old saying, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained" is true. But something may be lost--as in an opportunity.
Acting out
On the same pages where David Brooks took a run at feminism by implying a woman's success could destroy her marriage, Maureen Dowd took a run at the pope for acting out by not speaking directly to the newest troubles the Catholic Church is facing regarding abusive priests. Dowd called for the pope's apology to the families involved. She was being direct and that's why we love her. Reading her column makes me happy.
For more on how to be happier in your relationships, your job, your life, check out NineRooms.com. Share your mess of the day, and we'll help you clean it up. Or you can read my SELF magazine blog at my blog.]]>