2013-05-22T20:42:14-04:00 Mary L. Pulido, Ph.D. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/author/index.php?author=mary-l-pulido-phd Copyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc. HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Mary L. Pulido, Ph.D. Good old fashioned elbow grease. tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2923603 2013-03-22T17:25:15-04:00 2013-05-22T05:12:01-04:00

Mary L. Pulido, Ph.D. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-l-pulido-phd/
April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month -- a time to recognize that we each can play a part in promoting the social and emotional well-being of children and families in communities. Let's start by protecting our own children from the dangers that lurk in the Internet.

Here are a few tips to keep your teen safe when using the Internet and other web-based technologies. If you think it's an awkward conversation; you can hand them this blog to read.

• Be smart about what you post on the Web. It is a lot more public than it seems. Protect your space. Use privacy settings and don't just randomly accept everyone's request as a friend. Do a bit of investigating to find out more about them first. It's recommended that you don't use your real name or give out too much personal information on your Facebook page or other social media sites.

• Clean up your profile. Take anything embarrassing, too personal or any photos that show you doing something illegal (drinking, drugs) off of your page. Those photos of you dancing with a beer bottle in your hand, are not going to look good when you are applying for college.

• Provocative and sexy names and pictures can draw attention from people you don't want in your life, particularly online predators.

• Posting or sending sexy photos of yourself (sexting) can get you into big trouble with the law. If you are underage, they may be considered child pornography, a serious crime. Never take an image of yourself that you wouldn't want your parents, teachers, or your employers to see. Think twice or three times before you post. You can't take it back and it's out there forever.

• You have no control over where the photos are sent once you send them. The image that you meant for your boyfriend or girlfriend can be sent to their friends, and their friends and their friends. If you forward a sexual photo of someone underage, you are as responsible as the original sender. You could face child pornography charges, go to jail, and be legally required to register as a sex offender. You could also be asked to leave a sports team, be humiliated in public, or lose educational opportunities and have legal problems. Here is a video from the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (2 minutes), where teens discuss the dangers of online posting.

• Report any nude pictures that you receive on your cell phone to an adult that you trust. Do not delete the message; get your parents or your guardian, your teacher or school counselor involved immediately.

• Be careful what you download or look at. Some images are extreme, and once you see it -- it's in your mind forever. This is particularly true for violent and/or pornographic images.

• Adults who talk to you about sex online are committing a crime. So are adults who meet underage teens for sex. Some teens may think it's fun but it is serious trouble and best to report it to the police. You can also make a report by clicking here.

• Be careful if you go in person to meet someone in person that you met on the Internet. You may think you know them well, but you don't. Tell your parents or someone you trust before you go. Don't go alone, bring a friend. Always meet in a public place. Make sure you have your cell phone and an exit plan. Here is a another video clip (2.40 minutes) where teens talk about bad experiences they had when meeting someone in person who they met online.


The New York Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NYSPCC), the world's first child protection agency, will hold their annual Spring Luncheon on Thursday, April 18, 2013 at The Pierre Hotel in New York City. The afternoon will feature a keynote address by child advocate, Elizabeth Smart. To learn more, please contact the Special Events office at 212 233 5500 ext 216 or email info@nyspcc.org.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2514929 2013-01-22T10:54:31-05:00 2013-03-24T05:12:02-04:00

Mary L. Pulido, Ph.D. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-l-pulido-phd/ release of the 2012 report of the NYC Child Fatality Review Advisory Team (CFRAT), of which I am a member. We reviewed 10 years of data on injury deaths of children from 2001 through 2010. In this report, a special focus was directed to the cause of death among children 13 to 17 years old. Gun violence persists as a leading cause of death in this age group.

In NYC and nationally, firearms are the most common mechanism of youth homicide, accounting for 68 percent of youth homicides in NYC and 82 percent in the United States. Prevention efforts are critical to lower these grim statistics. Action must be taken now. The CFRAT recommends that policy makers support efforts to reduce access to illegal guns, such as improving background checks and closing purchasing loopholes to better prevent crime and violence caused by illegal guns.

Following death by homicide, the other leading types of injury death among 13-17 year olds are unintentional injury deaths such as transportation accidents, fires and drowning. Finally, suicide by hanging, jumping from a high place, firearms and overdoses took the lives of 93 youth during this review period.

I'd like to highlight the other key findings of the CFRAT report, as parents should be aware as to the types of injuries that are most likely to cause harm to younger children too. Among children ages 1 to 12 in NYC, injury is the leading cause of death. About 48 children a year die from injuries.

The leading type of injury in this age group is due to transportation deaths. Children were killed primarily while they were pedestrians, when walking or riding their bikes or scooters. They were also killed while passengers in cars. Diver inattention and children emerging from between parked vehicles were the most common reasons why children were killed. Other reasons included: driver failure to yield and speeding. Pedestrian error was identified in about a quarter of the cases, such as, crossing against a signal and pedestrian inattention.

Fires are the second highest reason for injury deaths of children. Records indicate that all of the deaths occurred in private homes. The most common ignition sources were the use of matches or lighters by children. This is followed by overloading electrical outlets, extension cords and power strips. Candles, faulty appliances, open stoves and cigarette/cigars and space heaters were some of the other ignition sources. Alarmingly, in 51 percent of these cases, smoke detectors were either not present or present but non-operational.

Homicide and suicide accounted for approximately 25 percent of all injury deaths among one- to 12-year-olds. Children died due to blunt force trauma, firearm wounds or fatal child abuse syndrome, meaning that the child showed evidence of being battered over time. Thirteen children died by suicide.

Very sobering statistics. Very tragic deaths that could have been prevented. Some of the recommendations that the CFRAT offer to parents include:

• Supervise young children closely when they play and particularly when they are on the street.
• Teach your children to look both ways before crossing, obey pedestrian and traffic signals and to cross only at the cross walks. Practice these steps with them.
• Parents -- drive safely; pay attention while driving, obey the speed limit; please don't ever text and drive or talk on a cell phone while driving.
• Keep matches and lighters out of the reach of children.
• Check your smoke alarms once a month and change batteries every spring and fall when you change your clocks for daylight savings time.
• Do not keep firearms in your home. If there must be any kind of weapon in your home, keep it locked away where children cannot reach it. Keep it unloaded and use a trigger lock.
• Teach your child non-violent approaches to conflict resolution and that the consequences of violence can be severe. Become familiar with anti-violence campaigns in your community and your child's school.
• Seek medical or mental health counseling for your child if he/she appears depressed or expresses thoughts of suicide. 1-800 LIFENET is available 24 hours a day for assistance.
• Get help when the stresses of parenting are overwhelming. For support call the 24 hour Prevention and Parent Helpline at 1-800-CHILDREN. (1-800-244-53730)

To view the 2012 NYC Child Fatality Review Advisory Team Report in its entirety, or, to learn about ways to protect your child, please visit www.nyspcc.org.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2392567 2013-01-04T09:18:20-05:00 2013-03-06T05:12:01-05:00

Mary L. Pulido, Ph.D. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-l-pulido-phd/
Victimization has a "ripple effect," spreading out to all those with whom those who have intimate contact. The impact of exposure to others' pain and suffering must be realized. As a result of indirect exposure to the specific traumatic occurrence via close contact with the survivor, individuals may experience similar symptoms as the survivor. This process has been called Secondary Traumatic Stress (STS).

Secondary Traumatic Stress is a broad term for characterizing the symptoms and behaviors that develop as professionals provide services to children and adults that have been traumatized or are suffering. It is a normal response that professionals experience who are exposed to painful, traumatic material. These practitioners may be working as firemen, police officers, social workers, EMT's, child protective service workers, therapists, caseworkers, attorneys or physicians; in a wide range of fields, such as child protection, domestic violence prevention, law enforcement, homeless shelter services or mental and medical health care. They are constantly "taking in" others pain and in the worse cases, like Newtown, CT, horrific scenes of carnage. Research has shown that exposure to children's trauma is more provocative.

This type of exposure to traumatic events means is that these professionals may start to experience symptoms similar to the traumatized person they are trying to help, most often Post Traumatic Stress Symptoms. Many first responders have reported intrusive symptoms like nightmares and flashbacks of the event or an intense preoccupation with the traumatic situation; avoidance symptoms such as avoiding places where an event occurred , or becoming "numb" to others pain. They may also experience hyper-arousal symptoms such as irritability, impatience with self and others; anger, restlessness, trouble concentrating. A common problem reported by first responders is memory impairment. This may be due to a combination of physical fatigue and information overload, but can also be a reaction to stress. Cognitive problems can also lead to poor judgment, a critically necessary attribute when responding to a traumatic situation.

Essential to understanding why this occurs are the concepts of empathy and exposure. First, those in the helping/rescuing professions are there because they care. And, because they care, they are constantly in situations where they are exposed to others pain. It really only makes sense that this work impacts the helper too.

For those of us in these professions; we probably understood in general personal fortitude needed and risks involved when we signed on. But, more often than not, we didn't realize how deeply we could be impacted by bearing constant witness to the intense suffering of others. Be it an EMT, a child protective services worker or a doctor in an emergency room; there is a constant "taking in" of others pain.

As a consultant on STS since the terrorist attacks of 9/11, I have found that several interventions on the organizational, professional and personal levels are very helpful to managing STS.

Organizationally, a supportive environment, enlightened supervision and access to longer term counseling when needed is a tremendous help to first responders. If the organization that the person works for is savvy about the impact of STS, steps can be put in place, such as regular debriefings, that will validate and normalize the reactions. Management must also set good practice policies for hiring, compensation, work hours, overtime and a regular break schedule. Personnel policies that ensure adequate time off, access to medical and mental health care, and solid insurance coverage for staff are also important organizational responsibilities.

Balancing the number of hours worked per week as well as the proportion of work that is directly trauma related should be taken into consideration. It is also important to set time boundaries that balance work life with personal life. Overworking is common among dedicated professionals. Many assume too many responsibilities, take work home and subsequently do not allowing adequate time to separate from work. Setting limits may be hard, especially in traumatic response settings where long days are expected, but, rejuvenation is critical for sustaining one's on-going efforts.

Peer group supervision or regular debriefing meetings are helpful to many. Such collaboration nurtures collegiality and reduces worker isolation. This worker-team concept can also help staff acknowledge STS reactions as well as recognize the toll that exposure to a survivors' trauma can have on a professional

All first responders should develop a workday self-care plan to aid with coping. Scheduling in a brief break in between highly charged assignments is helpful. Even minimal down time can aid a positive perspective.

Personal interventions include aspects of physical, social and psychological self-care. Maintaining the health of one's body is essential. This includes regular exercise, scheduling and keeping routine medical and dental appointments, and making sure to get adequate sleep and nutrition every day.

As with survivors, social support is essential for first responders. Talking with others can be a stress reliever. Co-workers may share similar feelings and discussions can serve to normalize and validate staffs' experiences as well as reduce isolation. Therapeutic support from a licensed clinician may also be helpful and in some situations, recommended.

Maintaining a diversity of activities further strengthens coping capacity. First responders should aim to have a balance of work, outside interests, social contacts, personal time and recreation. Incorporating relaxation into every day; engaging in pleasurable activities such as having contact with nature; spending time caring for pets or gardening have been reported as helpful. This change of view gives one a larger perspective of the world. Often, first responders are so busy they may forget to engage the creative side of themselves. Artistry, baking, cooking, playing a musical instrument, singing, dancing and sports all help mitigate STS reactions.

First responders often cite spirituality and meditation as helpful in handling STS. The benefits of meditation can include reduced blood pressure, easier breathing, and muscle relaxation. Spirituality can include participating in an organized religion or simply engaging in activities that bolster positive faith in one's self.

First responders must be supported. It's critical that they remain at the top of their game -- for themselves -- and for all of the children and families that count on them during times of trauma. For more information on supporting first responders and managing STS visit www.nyspcc.org.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.2303893 2012-12-14T18:03:33-05:00 2013-02-13T05:12:01-05:00

Mary L. Pulido, Ph.D. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-l-pulido-phd/
This heartbreaking tragedy really strikes close to home for parents of young children. And, it's normal to worry about how to have a conversation with your child about this tragic event. I recommend that you frame it in such a way that you're not producing unnecessary anxiety for your child, but providing them with enough detail to satisfy their concerns. Similar to the terrorist attacks after 9/11, when children expressed fears about plane travel, or after the Dark Night shooting where children had worries about going to the movies, it would not be unusual for children to be afraid of going to school.

Here are my suggestions.

Let them know you are there to listen to their questions and concerns. Some children will talk and some won't. Both of these reactions are okay. What children need is reassurance that you are available to answer their questions when they are ready to discuss it.

When they do raise it, you can ask "What do you want to know about the shootings in the school in Newtown?" Keep your conversation age-appropriate.

Find out what frightens them and address it. Most children will want to know the bottom line -- Will I be okay, will you be okay and is this going to happen again? Their emotions will vary based on their age, personality and their connection or proximity to this shooting. Also, keep in mind that trauma is cumulative in nature. So, if your child has experienced other traumas in their life, this tragedy may put them at risk for higher distress.

Stick to the facts. Children may have heard many different and possibly conflicting stories that could cause confusion for them. Be concrete. You can say " A young man, who we believe was mentally ill, walked into the school and shot his mother and other children and teachers at the school. He had a gun and killed 27 people. He died too. We are not sure why he did it, but the police are trying to find out why he did this. It is very sad for all of us."

Your child may then raise issues about death and what happens afterwards. Depending on your religious beliefs, you should answer these questions as best you can.

Monitor the TV and the Internet. If they want to watch the news, watch it with your child. Be an active participant in monitoring the type of information they receive. Most children under the age of six or seven should not be exposed to the media images of the event. I recommend that parents diligently monitor the TV, computer, social media, newspapers, etc. to make sure that children are not exposed to the graphic, violent repeats. You can't "unsee" something. My guess is that the media will be playing these upsetting, dramatic news clips many times over in the next few weeks as more is learned about the plot and the gunman.

There are many people working hard to keep them safe. Talk about the amazing efforts of the police, firemen, teachers, medical providers and people inside the school who helped others on that day. It's also good to let them know how everyone in the Newtown community banded together to support each other. Emphasize kindness.

Here are a few scenarios to think about.

If your child becomes upset after reading the newspaper, viewing social media or watching TV, encourage them to discuss their feelings. Normalize and validate them. Don't try to "correct" them. There is no right or wrong feelings and each child's will be different.

Younger children need to be reassured that this happened and it's horrible but that their parents are there to protect them and will do their best to always keep them out of harms way.

Children older than 12 need to be spoken to about the randomness of this event. They may be worried that they could have been in that school when this happened. They be very moody, depressed, anxious, possibly even cry. Acknowledge that the Sandy Hook School shooting makes many people very sad. It's completely understandable. You can discuss the fact that unfortunately, events happen that are traumatic and unpredictable but that we also have to be able to go on with our lives. Praise your child for being able to express their feelings. Then talk about what might make them feel better, for younger children, diverting them with play is helpful. For older children, it may be watching a comedy or a sports activity.

If your child asks "Was this person a terrorist?" you can tell them that a terrorist is someone who tries to hurt and scare people. They are trying to make people afraid. Terror is another word for being very scared. I would then add that there are not many terrorists in the world, but there are many good people in the world working hard to keep them safe.

Your child needs reassurance that he/she is safe and not in danger. This event was unprecedented and it is very rare that something of this magnitude happens in the United States.

If your child asks "Will it happen again?" you can tell them that "from the President of the U.S. to our local police and firemen, many steps are being taken to keep us safe. And, not just from shootings but from other threats too like fires, floods, and crime.

Family Emergency Plan. I recommend that you use this time as an opportunity to discuss your general emergency plan with your child. It will provide reassurance that you are keeping them as safe as possible. Calmly explain to your child you are ready for an emergency and have a plan that will keep them safe.

The components that you should cover are:

• Contact person(s) in case of an emergency. What will happen if they are in school or the movies and you are in work or separated from them. Who is the "go to" at that time?
• The meeting location if family members are separated.
• How to call 911 if an emergency happens in the home.
• Emergency supplies that you keep at home, medicine, money and a cell phone, canned food, water, flashlight, battery operated radio, first aid kit, etc.

Review the plan with your child when it is NOT an emergency so they can digest it and ask questions that may come up before an emergency arises.

Keep tabs on yourself. You probably have strong feelings about the school shooting too. It's okay to share how you are feeling with your children. You will serve as a role model for them and reassure them that these hard conversations are possible.

For more information about keeping your child safe visit The NYSPCC's website www.nyspcc.org]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1904304 2012-09-21T14:41:09-04:00 2012-11-21T05:12:01-05:00

Mary L. Pulido, Ph.D. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-l-pulido-phd/
National statistics show that one in every five children will endure sexual assault by the time they are eighteen. The rates are a bit higher for girls than for boys, but that could also be due to the fact that boys tend to report less often. While there is risk for children of all ages, children are most vulnerable to abuse between the ages of 7 and 13. Think about these statistics in terms of children that you come in contact with each day.

Here are a few important points for parents and concerned adults to keep in mind:

Contrary to any myths surrounding "stranger danger," research estimates that approximately 40% of victims are abused by a family member; another 50% are abused by someone outside the family whom they know and trust. Only about 10% of children are sexually abused by strangers.

As opposed to the more obvious indicators of physical abuse, evidence that a child has been sexually abused is not always obvious. In many cases, there is no physical evidence of the act and many children do not report that they have been abused. Young children may not label or experience their victimization as sexual abuse, particularly in cases of fondling, where the act itself does not feel bad or hurtful.

There are many reasons why children do not disclose being sexually abused, including: threats of harm (to the child and/or the child's family), fear of being removed from the home, fear of upsetting their parents, fear of not being believed, shame or guilt. It is also not uncommon for children to "recant" the abuse due to fears about what will happen to them, their family or the perpetrator.

The thought of someone sexually abusing a child is horrifying to most adults. The idea is so foreign, that many adults cannot fathom that the perpetrator can be someone who they know, like and trust. This, paired with the perpetrator's ability to manipulate others, can often convince anyone, even at times professionals, that they do not have a problem. As many cases that are portrayed in the media have shown, perpetrators are so convincing that parents may even doubt their own child. Perpetrators may also be very good at giving excuses, such as being intoxicated or claiming that the child "came on" to them.

"Grooming" refers to a range of behaviors that offenders use to "prepare" children for child sexual abuse. By building connections with a child, offenders aim to lower their inhibitions or desensitize the child. Offenders usually select children who are easily available to him/her. They focus on children who are open to adult friendships and enjoy this attention.

• The first step in grooming is the offender seeking out the child.
• The second step is forming a relationship, building trust, buying gifts, taking the child on special trips, usually with their parents' full endorsement.
• The third step is finding ways to touch the child as often as possible, thereby confusing the child when the touch becomes sexual in nature.
• Following this, the offender finds ways to get the child alone, such as on overnight trip, babysitting, taking the child for a day trip etc. As the process continues, the offender may start to make the child feel guilt or blame and promote secrecy. This is done with the intent that if the child feels responsible for the behavior, they will not tell anyone about the offender. At this stage, the perpetrator may bribe the child, or in contrast, threaten the child in order to maintain secrecy.

If you have suspicions that your child, or a child you know, may be caught in this type of perilous situation, you need to take action. Remain calm and try to get the child to tell you what happened in their own words. Ask open ended questions and let them tell you as much as they can. Once you have some of the details, act. If the alleged perpetrator is a parent or caretaker of the child, the State Child Abuse Hotline must be called. Every State has one; just type Child Abuse Hotline and the name of your State into your browser and it will appear. If you believe that the perpetrator was someone outside of the home, such as a family friend, neighbor, teacher, etc. the police should be contacted. These officials are trained in responding to these types of situations. You will have taken action to protect your child, and probably other children, from the perpetrator.

For more information on signs and symptoms of child sexual abuse, talking to your child about sexual abuse and other child safety information visit www.nyspcc.org.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1903177 2012-09-21T11:39:17-04:00 2012-11-21T05:12:01-05:00

Mary L. Pulido, Ph.D. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-l-pulido-phd/
Make sure all costumes are flame retardant. To avoid a tripping hazard, keep the length a bit above the ankles. If your child is carrying wands, swords or other accessories, make sure that they are soft and flexible with no sharp points. For little ones, choose brightly colored costumes that stand out; you'll also be able to recognize your child easier if they are with a group. I also recommend putting reflective tape or glow in the dark stickers on the costume and on the goodie bag. Finally, sexually provocative or violent/gory costumes are inappropriate for a child; let's protect their innocence as long as possible.

As for the candy, no munching allowed until Mom or Dad check the candy out at home. Choking hazards abound for young children. Hard candy, gum or small toys with removable parts shouldn't be given to children under the age of 4. Don't give it out from your home and make sure you check your child's bag to remove anything that can block their airway. If a child has allergies, make sure you remove any suspect candy. You can substitute it with something they can eat. Buy their favorite treats to exchange for any treats you need to take away. I always keep bags of pretzels, fruit rolls and chips on-hand for children who can't have nuts or chocolate.

Please make sure that your child knows NEVER to enter an unknown home or apartment without a parent on Halloween -- or at any other time. Children should ring the bell, step back, yell "trick or treat" and then let the adult come forward and put the candy in the bag. After a big "thank you," move along. Kids are trusting. They need to know that they can only enter the home of a friend, never the home of a stranger. Another word of caution: If you are handing out the candy, make sure that it is children that are knocking on your door. You don't want to let a perpetrator gain access to you and your home. Look out the window or peephole before opening the door.

Know the rules of the road: Unfortunately, children get hurt, usually in traffic accidents, on this fun night. Teach your child basic traffic safety rules before leaving your home. They need to look both ways before crossing the street. Make sure they do not dart out from in between cars; they should always cross at corners. Children should not be listening to music in headphones that can distract them or wearing masks that hamper their vision. I think face paint is a great alternative to a mask. Children are prone to running too, so slow them down and assure them that the candy will be waiting. All children under the age of 12 should be supervised.

Prepare for unexpected events. Carry a cell phone and a flashlight. I also recommend that you write your child's name, address and phone number on a name tag and put it on their costume in case they get lost. Carry an EpiPen if your child has allergies. Have a conversation with your child about all safety issues before they leave home so they will have a Happy Halloween!

For more information on keeping children safe, visit The NYSPCC's website, www.nyspcc.org.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1865191 2012-09-07T18:10:15-04:00 2012-11-07T05:12:01-05:00

Mary L. Pulido, Ph.D. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-l-pulido-phd/ Metro NY about how to talk to your children about the terrorist attacks of 9/11. Prior to receiving the call, I was going about my day with normal worries and concerns. As soon as I agreed to the interview, a sudden feeling of sadness or heaviness weighed on me. It's interesting that after 11 years, the feeling was so strong. I am a New Yorker. I experienced 9/11. This was an anniversary reaction.

Perhaps because we passed the 10th anniversary, one would think that these reactions should not occur. But that is not the way the mind works. It's completely normal to have these feelings on an anniversary even years after a traumatic event has occurred.

Almost everyone has a story about 9/11. Where they were when they found out about the terrorist attacks; if they knew anyone who fled or was killed that day and how it impacted their lives. As a researcher who studied the impact of 9/11 on children, parents and those who provided mental health care, I've often heard people refer to "life before 9/11 and post-9/11" as the world as they knew it changed forever. Many people experienced post traumatic stress symptoms following 9/11. For some, the severity of their experience produced full-blown post traumatic stress disorder, with symptoms lasting a long, long time.

It's important to discuss this now, as the eleventh anniversary of the terrorist attacks is approaching. And, for many, the thoughts and emotions that they experienced after the 9/11 attacks may resurface. This is common on the anniversary of traumatic events. For some, it may mean increased moodiness, sadness or worry about safety. For others, it can be more intense, with episodes of crying, nightmares and trying to "numb" in order to avoid thinking about 9/11. Anniversary reactions are usually associated with the death of a loved one or another traumatic event, such as a rape. When the date approaches, the grief and sadness that was encountered on that day may reoccur. Since 9/11 was the actual date of the attacks and labeled that way by the public, it's almost impossible for you to go through the day without thinking about its impact.

So, what may you experience?

• The symptoms of anniversary reactions may mirror those of post traumatic stress disorder; these include re-experiencing symptoms, avoidance symptoms and hyper-arousal symptoms.

• Re-experiencing. Be prepared to experience similar thoughts, feelings and even physical reactions as 9/11 approaches. For some, a blue sky like the one on 9/11 brings back a feeling of eeriness. You may have dreams or nightmares about the attacks. You may feel very sad and unsafe.

• Avoidance. Another common response is to try to avoid all reminders of 9/11. This includes the people, places or situations that are connected to the event. You may avoid going to lower Manhattan or watching the news coverage. People may also try to "numb" by using drugs or alcohol in order to stop thinking about 9/11.

• Hyper-arousal. Many New Yorkers and those living in the surrounding area will probably feel nervous, anxious, on "high-alert" as the anniversary approaches. You may be more suspicious of those around you with a feeling of being on guard and very watchful.

As with healing from all types of trauma, everyone's reaction may be different. Monitor your reactions, keep tabs on yourself. This reenactment and grieving process is normal. Be kind to yourself. Most people get through these days and feel better after the anniversary has passed.

Here are a few suggestions for what to do to feel better.

• Spend time with family and friends who support you. Talking often helps relieve some of the sadness and grief. It is probably best not to isolate yourself if you are feeling really down.

• Talk about it. Everyone has their own 9/11 story. Discuss how it impacted you and how your life has changed. This is normal. Find someone who will listen and understand. Or, if you prefer not to talk, that's okay too. Perhaps doing something in lieu of talking will help.

• Plan a special activity for 9/11. It may mean volunteering at your favorite charity, making a donation to a 9/11 fund or visiting the 9/11 memorial. You may have a ritual that brings you comfort. Before 9/11, I had a view of the World Trade Center from my living room window. Now, I make time to focus on a special piece of artwork, entitled "Tribute in Light" that a colleague gave me. It's a picture of the beams of light, representing the towers, that concluded the memorial services since 9/11. My sadness lightens and it brings a feeling of hope.

• Do what will make you feel better, not what you think you must do. 9/11 is personal. If exercising, taking a walk, reading a book, watching a movie or attending a religious service makes you feel better, do it. It's okay to figure out how best to meet your own needs and put yourself first.

As 9/11 passes, most of us will find that our symptoms decrease. However, if you think that they are not subsiding, talk to your doctor or a mental health provider for support. For more information on managing 9/11 symptoms, call the Healing and Remembrance Hotline at 1-866-212-0444. For information on talking to your child about 9/11 visit www.nyspcc.org]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1692699 2012-07-23T11:26:20-04:00 2012-09-22T05:12:05-04:00

Mary L. Pulido, Ph.D. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-l-pulido-phd/
Let them know you are there to listen to their questions and concerns. Some children will talk and some won't. Both of these reactions are okay. What children need is reassurance that you are available to answer their questions when they are ready to discuss it.

When they do raise it, you can ask, "What do you want to know about the Dark Knight shooting in Colorado?" Keep your conversation age-appropriate.

Find out what frightens them and address it.

Most children will want to know the bottom line -- Will I be okay, will you be okay and is this going to happen again? Their emotions will vary based on their age, personality and their connection or proximity to this shooting. Also, keep in mind that trauma is cumulative in nature. So if your child has experienced other traumas in their life, this tragedy may put them at risk for higher distress.

Stick to the facts.

Children may have heard many different and possibly conflicting stories that could cause confusion for them. Be concrete. You can say, "Last week, a man who was mentally ill walked into a movie theatre and wanted to hurt people. He had a gun and killed 12 people and hurt many more. We are not sure why he did it, but the police and doctors are trying to find out why he did this. It is very sad for all of us." Your child may then raise issues about death and what happens afterwards. Depending on your religious beliefs, you should answer these questions as best you can.

Monitor the TV and the Internet.

If they want to watch the news, watch it with your child. Be an active participant in monitoring the type of information they receive. Most children under the age of 6 or 7 should not be exposed to the media images of the event. I recommend that parents diligently monitor the TV, computer, social media, newspapers, etc. to make sure that children are not exposed to the graphic, violent repeats. You can't "unsee" something. My guess is that the media will be playing these upsetting, dramatic news clips many times over in the next few weeks as more is learned about the plot and the gunman.

Remind them there are many people working hard to keep them safe.

Talk about the amazing efforts of the police, firemen and other first responders, medical providers and people inside the movie theatre who helped others on that day. It's also good to let them know how everyone in that Colorado community banded together to support each other. Emphasize kindness.

Here are a few scenarios to think about:

If your child becomes upset after reading the newspaper, viewing social media or watching TV, encourage them to discuss their feelings. Normalize and validate them. Don't try to "correct" them. There is no right or wrong feelings and each child's will be different.

Younger children need to be reassured that this happened and it's horrible but that their parents are there to protect them and will do their best to always keep them out of harm's way.

Children older than 12 need to be spoken to about the randomness of this event. They may be worried that they could have been in that movie theatre when this happened. They may be very moody, depressed, anxious and possibly even cry. Acknowledge that the Dark Knight shooting makes many people very sad. It's completely understandable. You can discuss the fact that unfortunately, events happen that are traumatic and unpredictable but that we also have to be able to go on with our lives. Praise your child for being able to express their feelings. Then talk about what might make them feel better. For younger children, diverting them with play is helpful. For older children, it may be watching a comedy or a sports activity. If your child asks, "Was this person a terrorist?" you can tell them that a terrorist is someone who tries to hurt and scare people. They are trying to make people afraid. Terror is another word for being very scared. I would then add that there are not many terrorists in the world, but there are many good people in the world working hard to keep them safe.

Your child needs reassurance that he/she is safe and not in danger. This event was unprecedented and it is very rare that something of this magnitude happens in the United States.

If your child asks "Will it happen again?" you can tell them that "from the President of the U.S. to our local police and firemen, many steps are being taken to keep us safe. And not just from shootings, but from other threats, too, like fires, floods and crime.

Family Emergency Plan

I recommend that you use this time as an opportunity to discuss your general emergency plan with your child. It will provide reassurance that you are keeping them as safe as possible. Calmly explain to your child you are ready for an emergency and have a plan that will keep them safe.
The components that you should cover are:

• Contact person(s) in case of an emergency. What will happen if they are in school or the movies and you are in work or separated from them. Who is the "go to" at that time?
• The meeting location if family members are separated.
• How to call 911 if an emergency happens in the home.
• Emergency supplies that you keep at home, medicine, money and a cell phone, canned food, water, flashlight, battery operated radio, first aid kit, etc.

Review the plan with your child when it is NOT an emergency so they can digest it and ask questions that may come up before an emergency arises.

Keep tabs on yourself. You probably have strong feelings about the shooting, too. It's okay to share how you are feeling with your children. You will serve as a role model for them and reassure them that these hard conversations are possible.

For more information about keeping your child safe visit The NYSPCC's website www.nyspcc.org]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1615963 2012-06-22T10:47:52-04:00 2012-08-22T05:12:22-04:00

Mary L. Pulido, Ph.D. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-l-pulido-phd/
Your child will learn from your example. So, even if you're tempted to run across the street as the light is flashing "don't walk" please do not do it. Be a walking role model. Obey all traffic signs and signals. Stop at the curb. Look both ways. And please, don't listen to your iPod or talk on your cell phone while crossing the street, as it will confuse your child when you don't allow them to do it. Take the time to stop at the intersections, look both ways and wait until the path is clear. Keep looking for traffic until you have finished crossing. Walk, don't run, across the street.

Little ones aged 4 to 6 always need supervision. They are ready to practice the basics of crossing a street, but may still do the unexpected and are easily distracted. Adults need to model safe walking behavior. When your child reaches the 7 to 9 age bracket, they still need supervision, but are ready to learn more complicated skills such as locating and acknowledging traffic, acknowledging the speed at which cars are moving and ignoring distractions such as animals or friends calling their name. By the time children are age 10 and above, they may be ready to practice walking alone. Each child is different. Some may not be ready until they are 11. Parents must err on the side of safety, even if the child protests.

For the route to school, I suggest that parents prepare children by mapping out a very simple, low traffic route and rehearse it with the child. Pick routes that have sidewalks if possible. If there are no sidewalks, then the National Center for Safe Routes to School suggests that the child should walk facing oncoming traffic as far to the right as possible. When your child consistently displays safe pedestrian skills, you may give them more independence. Revisit safety issues with your child on a regular basis. The website www.saferoutesinfo.org has a helpful guide for parents to assess when their child is ready to walk alone. I'd also make sure that your child has memorized your home address and phone number. Role play with your child what they would do if they got lost. Make sure they know how to get help safely.

Which brings me to my last point: although it is a rare occurrence, there are strangers intent on harming your child. Stranger danger is real, though children are most often assaulted, either physically or sexually, by someone that they know and trust. Play it safe. Rehearse these scenarios with your child, too. Talk to them about making noise, screaming and running away. If someone tries to force them to go somewhere -- and in most abduction cases, it's a man -- tell them to scream "This is not my father!" Onlookers who see a child yelling usually assume it's a parent and this will give them reason to intervene. A website http://life.familyeducation.com lists points that parents should cover with their child regarding stranger safety.

For more information on keeping your child safe visit www.nyspcc.org.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1596462 2012-06-14T15:09:22-04:00 2012-08-14T05:12:09-04:00

Mary L. Pulido, Ph.D. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-l-pulido-phd/ doknow better. Three recent sexual assault cases involved adults posing as teenagers and sending inappropriate or sexually explicit messages to children, two girls and a boy. The police authorities have advised parents to review the social apps that their child uses and the chat rooms that they visit to ensure their safety.

Online exploration opens many possibilities for children as they navigate the worldwide web. Children are often more computer savvy than their parents, making supervision a challenge. Parents need to be aware that there are individuals who attempt to sexually exploit children through the use of the internet. These individuals may be any age or sex. Some of these individuals try to seduce children through the use of attention, affection, kindness and even gifts. They listen to and empathize with the problems of children. They are in tune with the latest songs and games. These predators gradually try to lower children's inhibitions by slowly introducing sexual content into their conversations. Other predators immediately engage in sexually explicit conversation with children. They may try to solicit pornographic images or seek face-to-face meetings. Internet offenders manipulate young people into criminal sexual relationships by appealing to their desire to be appreciated, understood, take risks and find out about sex.

Younger teenagers are a particularly vulnerable population, as they are beginning to explore their own sexuality and have an interest in sex, romance, adventure and independence. According to the Crimes Against Children Research Center, each year, 1 in every 25 children receives an online sexual solicitation where the solicitor tried to make offline contact.

Signs that your child may be at risk:

• Your child spends large amounts of time online, particularly at night
• You find pornography on your child's computer or iphone
• Your child receives phone calls from adults you don't know, or is making calls to numbers you don't recognize
• Your child receives gifts from someone you don't know
• Your child turns the monitor off or changes the screen when you come into the room
• Your child becomes withdrawn from the family

What A Parent Can Do to Help:

• Talk to your child about the sexual victimization and online danger. Keep the conversation going; use media cases as "teachable moments" to reinforce your concerns about their safety
• Keep the computer in a common room in the house, not the bedroom
• Utilize parental controls and blocking software
• Find out what computer safeguards are used in their schools, library and in their friends' homes
• Understand that even if your child was victimized, it is not their fault.The offender bears complete responsibility for their actions

Special Tips for Teens

• Be smart about what you post on the Web and what you say to others. It is a lot more public than it seems
• Provocative and sexy names and pictures can draw attention from people you don't want in your life
• Posting or sending sexy photos of yourself can get you into big trouble with the law. If you are underage, they may be considered child pornography, a serious crime. You also have no control over where the photos are sent once you send them
• Be careful what you download or look at. Some images are extreme, and once you see it it's in your mind forever
• Adults who talk to you about sex online are committing a crime. So are adults who meet underage teens for sex. Some teens may think it's fun but it is serious trouble and best to report it to the police
• Be careful if you go to meet someone you met on the internet. You may think you know them well, but you don't. Go with a friend; tell your parents. Meet in a public place. Make sure you have your cell phone and an exit plan

Keeping children safe on the internet is challenging. The best strategy is to work with your child on making good choices. Should you think your child is being targeted you should contact your local or state law enforcement agency, the FBI or the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children for help. For more information visit:
http://www.fbi.gov/about-us/investigate/vc_majorthefts/cac/crimes_against_children/. The Guardian Angels published a Cyber Safety Guide for Parents that I highly recommend. You can access it at www.cyberangels.org.For more information about keeping your child safe visit www.nyspcc.org.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1577666 2012-06-07T11:40:27-04:00 2012-08-07T05:12:03-04:00

Mary L. Pulido, Ph.D. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-l-pulido-phd/
1. Define the role and expectations of the care provider. Do you want someone that just stays at your home and watches your child(ren) or do you want someone who takes them to the park or drives them to their activities? Is the position part-time or full-time? Do you want a person to have flexibility to work extended hours or sleep over if you need to work late or travel? You should also determine if this person will cook meals, wash your child's laundry or perform other duties. What types of training would you require, such as CPR or First Aid? Determine the salary range and benefits that you intend to offer. A helpful website for legal requirements of hiring a nanny is www.ehow.com.

2. Start looking for candidates. You can advertise on your own or go through an agency that provides nannies. Ideally, an agency is affiliated with the International Nanny Association (www.nanny.org). However, realize that going through a service means that you will pay a fee for the application and the placement. One helpful website is www.eNannySource.com. It has an employment application and other resources that can be helpful through the hiring process.

3. Interview the prospective nannies. I recommend that you have a list of questions prepared and ask the same questions of each candidate. Take notes, as it's sometimes hard to keep who said what straight if you've interviewed several candidates. Some prefer to conduct first interviews over the phone and the second interview in person. This is your call. I believe you learn more about a person when you are engaged in a face to face conversation. On the top of the list you should ask them if they are legally permitted to work in the United States. After that is established, fire away with your questions.

4. Ask Open Ended Questions. Here are a few examples: Tell us about your work with children. Why did you decide to become a nanny? What are some of your favorite activities to do with infants/toddlers? What do you do when a child has a temper tantrum? What type of discipline techniques have you used? Please give me an example of how you handled a crisis/accident/injury with a child under your care. When you disagreed with your last employer, how did you resolve the issue?

Make sure that there is time for the candidate to ask you questions, too.

5. Conduct a thorough reference check. Do not rely on the nanny agency's background check as the final word -- conduct your own. Ask the prospective candidate for a list of past employers. Call them. Again, be prepared with a list of questions. When did she/he start to work for you? What was the age of your child(ren)? What did you like most about the nanny? How did she respond to your directions? How did she handle situations when you both disagreed? Was she dependable, on time, absent? Did she ever have to handle an emergency and if so, how did it go? Why did the nanny leave? Would you rehire her?

6. Outsource other background check information. You also want to verify her education and other work experience. I would also recommend a criminal background check. If she is going to be driving, you should also check her motor vehicle record. Make sure the candidate knows that you are going to conduct the background check and have her sign a statement authorizing you to do so. There are several on-line services that you can use such as www.enannysource.com and www.sterlingtesting.com. The International Nanny Association also lists members that conduct nanny background checks. The costs can vary based on the amount of information that you would like to find out. You also want to ask the nanny if she was ever the subject of a confirmed report of child abuse or neglect.

7. Have the finalist meet your family. After reviewing this information, you should have the finalist(s) return to meet with your family. Take close note of how the infant/child interacts with the nanny. Does the nanny seem comfortable/natural? Take note of your child's response to the nanny and if they are old enough, ask them for their opinion. You might want to schedule a trial run (paid) for a day or two before you make an offer. Trust your instincts. If you don't think it's a good fit, keep looking. If it seems to be a good pairing, then move forward with the negotiations!

For more information on keeping your child safe visit www.nyspcc.org.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1540437 2012-05-23T16:42:16-04:00 2012-07-23T05:12:05-04:00

Mary L. Pulido, Ph.D. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-l-pulido-phd/
Here are a few questions that I recommend parents ask before they sign their child up for camp.

• Does the camp have ACA accreditation? The American Camp Association evaluates the camp's safety, health, program and camp operations. Some states have more in-depth standards needed for camp operators. New York State, for example, requires camp operators to develop a written plan which reflects the camp's compliance with health code requirements.

• How are staff screened? It's good to know the background and experience of the counselors caring for your child. The camp operator should verify information on resumes and maintain files with appropriate qualifications needed for the job, such as licenses, certifications and references. Some states require a criminal background check and a search of the sex offender registry, too. Find out how the camp handles these issues.

• What is the ratio of staff to children? In day camp, there must be one senior counselor for every six children under the age of 6; one for every nine children between the ages of 6 and 7 and one for every twelve children who are 8 years old and above. For overnight camp you should make sure that there is one senior counselor for every six children age 7 or under and one for eight children that are 8 years old and above. The camp should also explain to parents how supervision of the campers takes place, particularly on field trips, activities that may be risky, such as swimming, and, in overnight camps, during the nighttime, before and after lights out.

• What trainings do staff receive to keep children safe? All of the staff should be trained in fire safety and the camp should have a plan to prevent and respond to fires. Fire drills should be held within the first day or two of each camping session and then as needed during the duration of the camp. Staff should also be trained in recognizing and reporting child physical abuse.The counselors should have a clear understanding of inappropriate disciplinary procedures and what to do if they encounter others using them. They should also be trained in recognizing signs and symptoms of child sexual abuse. Parents should find out how the camp disciplines children, and in what type of circumstances they would be contacted if their child's behavior was problematic.

• How does the camp screen visitors? Parents should make sure that there is a method for making sure that unauthorized visitors are not allowed access to their child. It's also important for the camps to account for attendance and dismissal from camps. Parents should have a plan in place designating how the child is to leave the camp, including the names of those that have permission to visit or escort their child home.

• How does the camp handle emergencies? Parents should feel entitled to ask about past emergencies, including injuries and deaths, and the plan that the camp follows should one occur. This includes situations such as a lost child, a child hurt during an activity, a child becoming ill with food poisoning or having a severe allergic reaction. Find out about CPR and First Aid certifications, what type of medical staff is available and the hospital with which the camp is affiliated. Along these lines, parents should provide a full description of any medications their child needs, allergies that the child has and emergency contact information so that they can be contacted if something happens to their child. Find out how the meds are stored, distributed and recorded too.

• How will your child be oriented to the camp? It's recommended that the child receive a tour of the camp including both the fun spaces and those that are designated as potentially dangerous or off-limits, along with the reasons why they should not enter them. Campers should be instructed and encouraged to report incidents of bullying, child abuse or any illness or injury to staff members. The buddy system, used often in swimming excursions, should be explained; as should the plan that is followed if a camper is lost. Camps should use scenarios so that the child feels prepared if they become lost. Fire drills, evacuation procedures and the importance of not playing with matches/lighters should be reviewed too.

• What should you look for if your child is developmentally challenged? There are additional requirements for camps serving children with disabilities such as cerebral palsy, autism, mental disability or epilepsy. There must be a qualified camp director with experience in working with the developmentally disabled on site. The ratio of staff to children may be as small as one counselor for every two children; it depends on the level of the disability. Parents should make sure that the camp facilities, grounds and vehicles accommodate developmentally disabled children. The camp health director must also be located on-site during camp operation.

Knowledge is power. Don't be afraid to ask these and other questions before you entrust your child to a summer camp. It's important to ensure that your children have a wonderful, exciting and safe experience. For more information on keeping your child safe visit www.NYSPCC.org.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1435791 2012-04-19T11:05:33-04:00 2012-06-19T05:12:01-04:00

Mary L. Pulido, Ph.D. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-l-pulido-phd/
Bullies come in every shape and size. They are from every ethnic group, race, socio-economic class, gender and religion. As a parent, you'll probably be shocked to learn that your child is intentionally causing pain and humiliation to other children.

Research shows that children who resort to bullying often:

• Lack empathy and compassion for others' feelings
• May be expressing anger about events in their lives
• Want to be in control
• Have low self esteem
• May be trying to impress their peers
• Come from families where parents or siblings bully
• Do not receive adequate parental attention or supervision
• Have parents that do not enforce discipline
• May be the victims of bullying and are trying to retaliate

The good news is that there IS a lot that a parent can do to help their child stop bullying. By taking immediate action; you can help your child learn new ways of handling their feelings, peer pressure and conflict with others.

Here are a few tips:

• Remain calm. You will probably have to deal with the school officials and the child's parents; no one wants to speak to an angry adult.
• Make sure that your child's behavior is not due to a disability; sometimes children with limited social skills or behavioral issues bully others. It still needs to be addressed, but perhaps in conjunction with his/her Individualized Education Program (IEP).
• Listen to what others have to say about your child's behavior. Then, listen to your child's side of the story. Try to understand what is behind the behavior. Is your child being bullied? Are their friends bullies? Start the conversation.
• Explain to your child the harm caused by their behavior. Bullying causes physical, psychological and emotional harm to other children.
• Teach Empathy. Have your child think about how it must feel to be bullied. Talk about how they can apologize to the child that they have harmed.
• Help your child adopt alternative strategies to use instead of bullying. Remember, bullies aren't born; children can change. It's not necessarily "once a bully, always a bully." Role play how they will handle future conflicts with their peers. Change characters and have your child play the part of the child that is being bullied, it will help them understand why their behavior must change.
• Make your expectations clear. Let your child know that there will be consequences if the bullying continues and that you will not tolerate it.
• Set the example at home. Don't gossip or share rude stories about others in your home. Model nonviolent behavior.
• Praise your child when they show compassion for others.
• Finally, if the bullying does not stop, seek mental health counseling for your child.

It might be helpful for parents to think about bullying behaviors as falling along a continuum. At one end is the bully. A bit further down the line are the followers, those who encourage the bully, but take a back seat to the actual bullying, then come the children who do not actively bully, but enjoy watching the bullying activities. On the other side of the continuum are those who watch the bullying but try to ignore it and do not intervene, then come the children who do not like bullying but are fearful of trying to stop it. Finally at the other end of the continuum is the protector, who is the child -- or children -- who stand up to the bully to protect the victim. Parents should discuss this continuum with their child and encourage them to befriend a child that has been bullied. A kind word goes a long way.

Finally, the best way to help your child is to prevent bullying in the first place. I encourage parents to be proactive about bullying prevention. Find out your school's policies on bullying prevention and actions taken if a child is bullied. Join the Parent Association and ask for training on signs and symptoms and how to start a prevention program with the students. Parents can play a significant role in stopping the behavior. Take a stand against bullying now.

For more information on bullying prevention and for keeping your child safe, visit NYSPCC.org. Please join us for our Junior Committee fundraiser "Once Upon A Dream" at the Dream Hotel Downtown on Thursday, May 24th 2012. Ticket information at NYSPCC.org]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1365532 2012-03-20T10:50:48-04:00 2012-05-20T05:12:01-04:00

Mary L. Pulido, Ph.D. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-l-pulido-phd/
At The NYSPCC, there has been a significant increase in calls for our workshop called "Safe Touches -- Child Sexual Abuse Prevention," that we conduct in the NYC public schools for children between the ages of five and eight. Parent Associations have also asked for help and a special seminar was designed for them. Although it's tempting to say, "it won't happen to my child," parents need to realize that no one is immune. In fact, most perpetrators of sexual abuse are adults that the child knows, trusts or loves.

As a rule, I recommend that parents always be appropriately concerned about the adults that your child will have contact with while at school, summer camp, sleepovers, etc. Babysitters and nannies should be carefully screened too.

Parents must be armed with information. They should learn the signs and symptoms of abuse and most importantly, how to respond appropriately if their child tells them that they received an "unsafe" touch. I prefer the term "safe" and "unsafe" instead of "good" and "bad" as some touches that are good, like a vaccination, can feel bad and some bad touches, like fondling, can feel good. So, stick with "safe and unsafe." Then, have a conversation with your child about their private parts, protecting their body, actions they can take if they receive an unsafe touch and who they can tell. Work with your child to identify two or three trusted adults that they can turn to if they are upset. Finally, parents must reinforce with their child that it is NEVER their fault if they receive an unsafe touch. The blame always rests with the adult and your job is to make sure that your child feels protected. You want to instill confidence that if something does happen to your child that you will be understanding and supportive.

Parents' reactions if a child does disclose abuse really count. Among the saddest cases that I have encountered over my career are those when a parent does not believe a child, or when a parent is furious at the child for telling the truth. I recall one case whereby the child was abused by her mother's boyfriend. The mother called the child a liar. The child, scared and devastated by her mother's betrayal, was removed and placed in foster care, as it was obvious that the mother could not guarantee her safety. Simply tragic.

Now granted, that case is the extreme. But research has shown that if there is a disclosure, the child's healing process is aided or stunted by the parent's reaction to the sexual abuse. Family support is one of the most important factors in a child's healing. I've witnessed a range of parental behaviors from shock, anger and worry to shame, guilt, confusion or even jealousy. The best way to respond is to remain calm and try to get the child to tell you what happened in his/her own words. Ask open-ended questions and let your child tell you the details. Don't ask leading questions; as this can confuse the child.

Once you have the information, you need to take action. If the alleged perpetrator is a parent or guardian of the child, the State Child Abuse Hotline must be called. Every State has a hot-line number. Just type your State and "Child Abuse Hotline" into your web browser and it will come up. In New York that number is 1-800-635-1622. If the alleged perpetrator was someone outside of the home, such as a family friend, neighbor, teacher, etc. the police should be contacted. Call 911. In either instance, these officials are trained in responding to these types of situations. You will have taken action to protect your child, and probably other children, from the perpetrator.

Seek counseling for your child and for your family. Children do heal from abuse. And, they do best when a trusted adult supports and believes them.

For more information on keeping your child safe, and, to support The NYSPCC's Inaugural Luncheon featuring a key note lecture by Sapphire, author of Push, the story behind the academy award winning movie, Precious, on Thursday, April 12th at the Pierre Hotel in NYC, visit www.nyspcc.org.

]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1199696 2012-01-12T16:24:53-05:00 2012-03-13T05:12:01-04:00

Mary L. Pulido, Ph.D. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-l-pulido-phd/
Bullying can be characterized as:
• Intentional. The bully means to hurt your child, it is not an accident.
• Harmful. Bullying can cause physical and/or emotional harm.
• Repetitive. Not usually a one-time occurrence; children are often targeted due to the fact that the bully thinks they won't take action against them.
• Imbalance of Power. The bully usually has a source of power over the child they choose to bully. It can be age, size, strength or social status.

Parents should be aware that there are different types of bullying. The most common are:
• Physical threats such as hitting, shoving, spitting or punching
• Verbal bullying such as name calling, threats, spreading rumors or lies
• Social exclusion, purposely leaving the child out of activities, team sports, birthday parties.
• Cyber-bullying; threats or slurs that are conveyed through the cell phone or internet.

Bullying happens everywhere. Stopbullying.gov reports that there are no differences in the rates of bullying in rural versus urban areas; in large or small schools; or among genders. Boys and girls are just as likely to be involved in bullying, though girls may be more prone to bully others socially.

Bullying hurts. Recognize the warning signs. Your child may not want to tell you about it. This is due to being embarrassed or ashamed, afraid that your intervention may make things worse or sadly that you will dismiss their fears. Parents who are in tune with their child may notice the following:
• Depressed, or more moody or anxious than usual
• Grades slipping
• Suddenly has fewer friends
• Lower self-esteem
• Not wanting to go to school or participate in after school activities
• Changes in sleeping and eating habits
• Appears upset after phone calls, texts or using the computer
• Looses books, electronics, clothing or jewelry
• Unexplained injuries
• Avoids certain places
• Suicidal thoughts

As a parent, there are steps you can take to help your child with bullying. They include:

• Help your child understand bullying. There are constant media stories about instances of bullying. Use them as a teachable moment to discuss this issue with your child. Reinforce that it is never your child's fault if they are bullied. It is not a reflection of anything wrong with them. The bully chose to use mean behavior -- they are the ones that need help.
• Keep tabs on your child. Check in about their school day, worries or concerns. Find out whom they ate their lunch with, or who they sat with on the bus. Teach your child how to say "no" to bullying behaviors. Strategize with them about what they would do if they are confronted by a bully. Practice their responses. This should build their self-confidence.
• Children should be encouraged to travel in groups, be calm and direct when confronting bullies and tell them that their behavior is not okay. Children should avoid fighting, but rather go immediately to get an adult to intervene. If there is no adult present, they should report the instance after the fact.
• Be informed. Learn about your school's policy towards bullying. New York State has the "Dignity for All Students Act" (2012) that protects children from harassment on school property or at a school function. Find out who you can speak to if your child is bullied. It's also helpful to write down the details regarding the incident(s) as this record can be helpful to school administrators or the police. If it's cyber-bullying, keep copies of all messages or postings.
• Commit to making bullying stop. Work closely with your school administrators, other parents and if needed, local law enforcement if the bullying persists or escalates. Get help for your child to deal with the stresses of bullying. Speak with a school counselor or your mental health professional for support.

For children, If you are bullied or see someone getting bullied the best thing to do is speak up!
• Tell an adult. Someone must step in and help you. You are not snitching, you are putting an end to abusive behavior
• Be friendly. Say a few kind words to the child that was bullied. It will make a world of difference to them.
• Get involved. Find out about your school's bullying prevention program and join the movement. Bullying is not okay. Be part of the solution.

Websites for parents and children to learn more about bullying and prevention include:

Parentfurther.com -- a great resource for parents for tips to prevent and stop bullying and what to do if your child is bullying others.

Cartoonnetwork.com -- a resource for children and parents; "Stop Bullying -Speak Up" videos by children about what helps to stop bullying.

Stopbullying.gov -- how to "bully proof your child" provides information on how to stop bullying and bullying prevention

Stopbullyingnow.com -- a resource for parents and teachers. Describes what parents can do if their child is doing the bullying.

Olweus.org -- a resource that provides the bullying laws by state and training for educators

Cyberangels.org -- a cyber safety guide with tips for parents.
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