Russell Bishop2013-05-20T22:28:12-04:00Russell Bishophttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/author/index.php?author=russell-bishopCopyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc.HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Russell BishopGood old fashioned elbow grease.Soul-Talk: What Would You Like More of in 2013?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.24678022013-01-15T07:50:39-05:002013-03-17T05:12:01-04:00Russell Bishophttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/russell-bishop/Alice in Wonderland and a debt of gratitude to the Cheshire Cat: If you don't know where you're going, any road will do. As Alice was wandering around Wonderland, confused about which way to go, the dialogue went this way:
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" asked Alice. "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the cat.
"I don't much care where," said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the cat.
-- Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
Alice went on to say that she would be happy as long as she got somewhere. Ever the wise master, the Cheshire Cat replied, "Oh, you're sure to do that... if you only walk long enough." It sure seems to me that there are plenty of people walking around hoping to get "somewhere" but without many wise cats to help out along the way.
Where the heck did this come from?
Do you ever find yourself grumbling something along the order of "Where the heck did this come from?" If so, then you may have come across a fork in the road somewhere along the line and, unsure about which road to take, either flipped a coin or let someone else do the choosing, all the while hoping you would wind up somewhere that you liked. Indeed, as the cat suggested to Alice, while you surely did wind up somewhere, you may also have come up a bit short on the part about hoping you would like the outcome.
Surely, you have experienced frustration or disappointment somewhere along the journey we call life, and you may have turned to someone else for advice, hoping they had something better to offer. I know I have, and I have learned there's a huge problem with most advice: While advice may have worked for the other person, that doesn't mean it will work for you.
Paradoxically, if this is you, then I have a bit of advice that works most every time. The advice? Just answer the following question: "Where would you like to go in your life?" While this may seem a bit like another wiseass wisecrack on first glance, the wisdom contained in the question can be profound.
First of all, the question does not suggest, imply or otherwise direct you anywhere other than right back inside of your own self -- after all, you are the one going through your life, and you are going to be the best judge of what it is that you want to experience.
Neither does the question suggest any kind of preferred route, best practice, or specific next steps -- it simply asks you to consider what it is that you value. Notice the "what you value" piece is hidden a bit from view. "Where would you like to go in your life?" asks you to dig a little deeper than the next job, promotion, relationship or bank account. This simple little question is asking you to look deeper within and begin to assess the kinds of life experiences you have had to date -- the good, the bad and the indifferent -- and from there, to begin identifying which experiences are most meaningful to you.
I'll bet you won't have to think too long and hard in order to come up with something you really, really wanted in life, busted your chops to get, and then wound up wondering why the heck you wanted it in the first place. Sound familiar? I know this refrain has echoed in my life, and I'm pretty sure it's there for you as well.
The not-so-secret secret
The secret in all of this has less to do with getting it all right before you set out on your journey and more to do with paying attention to your experience along the way. You may start out thinking you want that promotion and start sacrificing things like family and friends so you can work even harder, ever longer to show that you're the person for the job. Even if you get the promotion, you may discover that all you wind up with is even more work to do, with even higher expectations about your performance.
However, if you look deeper into who you truly are, into what I call your Soul-Talk, you may start to realize that it wasn't the promotion that mattered as much as being recognized for your hard work, dedication or contribution. From there, you might begin to notice that your greater source of personal satisfaction has little to do with recognition from others and more to do with your own self-recognition and acknowledgment that comes from knowing you are making a contribution, that you are making a difference. And if you can make even a small difference in a way that matters to you, you may wind up gaining more value than any job title, pay raise, or level of authority could ever provide.
Some practical tips for greater clarity
So take some time to think about this time next year. What would you like to find yourself saying about how 2013 went for you? My advice (yup, advice) is to consider your answers in two columns: On the left-hand side, list what you would like to have accomplished (earn a certain income, land a new job, lose weight, etc.) and in the right-hand column, list what you would like to experience along the way (satisfaction, fulfillment, inner peace, greater loving, self-confidence, etc.)
The left-hand side may be the more familiar to you and certainly is the one that can be tracked with goals, projects and next actions. The right-had side may be more difficult to measure and yet may prove to more obvious and durable, even though it's on the "soft" side of the equation.
If you want to try a really simple experiment, take this one on for at least a week, preferably a month or more. When you find yourself ready for bed, ask yourself three simple questions:
Did I do anything today that caused me to feel bad about myself? If so, try forgiving yourself for having let yourself down.
Did I do anything today that caused me to feel good about myself? If so, simply acknowledge yourself, even right out loud. "Today I did this, which made me feel really good about who I am."
Based on what I observed about myself today, what would I like to do more of tomorrow? Let yourself go to sleep thinking about that bit of positive experience you had today while seeding for an even more positive experience tomorrow.
Next week, we will dig farther into this deceptively simple process, distinguishing between what happens to you and what you choose to do about it.
I would love to hear from you about your experience with this approach to life. What have you been able to accomplish or experience as a result of gaining more clarity about where you are headed in your life? Please do leave a comment here or drop me an email at Russell (at) russellbishop(dot)com.
PS: If you would like a deeper, more spiritually-focused experience of this approach to life, please join me for the first in a free, two-part tele-workshop series, The Power of Intention. Part I will be held on Wednesday, Jan. 16, 5:30 p.m. - 7 p.m. PST, and Part II will be held on Wednesday, Feb. 20, 5:30 p.m. - 7 p.m. PST. To register for Part 1, go to http://www.msia.org/info/tele23 and for Part 2, go to http://www.msia.org/info/tele24. Looking forward to having you join me!
Russell Bishop is an educational psychologist, author, executive coach and management consultant based in Santa Barbara, Calif. You can learn more about my work by visiting my website at www.RussellBishop.com. You can contact me by e-mail at Russell (at) russellbishop (dot) com.]]>3 Magic Tips to Experience Your Perfect Lifetag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.22687612012-12-11T00:20:59-05:002013-02-09T05:12:01-05:00Russell Bishophttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/russell-bishop/
In order to get to the heart of this idea, you need to distinguish between three key elements: the outer world, your inner experience and where you place your focus.
Outer World Perfection
If you're looking for perfection in the outer world, then you may be out of luck. The outer world just isn't designed for perfection -- perhaps you have noticed. Things out here tend to break, decay over time, or simply become outdated. Even the Rock of Gibraltar is in a slow state of decay or change. Everything in the outer world is in a constant state of change -- nothing, as in nothing, is ever stable or unchanging.
Even the best ideas will be supplanted sooner or later, so striving to make the outer world conform to some standard of perfection will surely be doomed. Even if you can make something in the outer world appear to be perfect today, that perfection will be short lived, as the natural process of change continues to take place.
Inner World Perfection
Nature is perfect if you choose to experience it that way, but it can also be oh-so-imperfect if you focus on the outer "flaws." Seasons change, trees grow old and die, and even giant rocks can become sand given enough time. If you are one who appreciates the "natural order" of things, then you will celebrate that state of dynamic change, which can be its own form of perfection. Sunsets start in one hue, change many times over their short-lived time, and in that state of constant change, sunsets are truly "perfect." The sunset isn't made perfect or imperfect because a cloud wound up in just the right or wrong spot. If you can watch a sunset and experience the perfection in its constant state of change, might you be able to do the same thing with your experience of life?
Choose Your Experience
If you're still tracking with me, you are probably aware of the paradox -- nothing is perfect in the outer world, and yet much can be experienced as perfect. It all depends on your attitude, on how you choose to view what is happening around you. The same applies to how you experience your inner life.
Learning to discover the good in what is present opens the door to the experience of perfect. Perfection is something you can experience but you cannot possess. Even that perfect experience cannot be possessed -- it must be lived in the moment, which brings us back to the conundrum: To experience your perfect life, you must give up the pursuit of perfection.
I wrote an earlier article about "The Myth of the Spiritual Path," suggesting that there is an illusory quality to a spiritual path. Being on a path suggests that where you are headed is someplace other than where you are now. As Teilhard de Chardin noted many years ago: "We are spiritual beings having a human experience." If you would know your spiritual path, if you would know yourself as spirit or a soul, all you need do is stop and notice who you already are. Many have suggested that the spiritual path leads home and, as the old saying goes, home is where the heart is. And where is your heart? Yup, right where you are. Right now.
In a similar way, your perfect life is right here, right now, brimming with experiences, all designed to lead you back home, back to where you already are. A perfect life is not measured by what you accomplish, have or produce; rather, a perfect life is measured by the quality of experience you extract along the way, by how you go about learning, growing, and discovering more of what works for you. Many have counseled over the ages that the secret to a life well-lived is to use everything as an opportunity to learn, to grow, to advance. Even adversity can be viewed as a "present," an opportunity to discover gifts, skills or lessons you can use to advance beyond the constraints that come in the guise of adversity.
When can you learn, grow or discover? Certainly not yesterday, because that's over and done. Tomorrow has yet to happen, so any future growth, learning or discovery is somewhere between a hope and a fantasy. Real growth, learning and discovery takes place right here, right now, today. Perhaps you have heard this wonderful bit of wisdom, attributed to so many I have no idea where it originated: Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift - that's why we call it the Present.
Living in the now, living in the present, is the perfect gift. It is only in this moment that you can choose your focus -- you can notice the grace of the tree, the beauty of the sunset, or the interesting ways your husband/wife/kids/coworkers go about making their lives work.
In blogs to follow, I will explore this question of creating your perfect life experience in a variety of ways, ranging from how you experience your most personal relationships to how you can create your "perfect" version of life next year.
In the meantime, I would love to hear from you about what you have experienced in your life, how you have managed to at least "make lemonade out of the lemons" that so often accompany day-to-day life. Please do leave a comment here or drop me an email at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
P.S.: If you would like a deeper experience of this approach to life, join me for a highly-experiential workshop in Santa Monica, Calif., Feb. 7-11, 2013. Insight I: The Awakening Heart, a seminar I designed many years ago, is a powerful journey into living a heart-centered life, one designed to help you create the life you would prefer rather than the one you may have settled for. Insight is offered through Insight University, a not-for-profit educational organization. You can learn more by clicking here.
If you want more information on how you can apply this kind of reframing to your life and to your job, about a few simple steps that may wind up transforming your life, please download a free chapter from my book, Workarounds That Work. You'll be glad you did.
Russell Bishop is an educational psychologist, author, executive coach and management consultant based in Santa Barbara, Calif. You can learn more about my work by visiting my website at www.RussellBishop.com. You can contact me by e-mail at Russell (at) russellbishop (dot) com.]]>Soul-Talk: What Is the Power Within You?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.19971762012-10-22T00:53:38-04:002012-12-21T05:12:01-05:00Russell Bishophttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/russell-bishop/perpetuating your own problems set the table for this discussion by focusing on the omission side of creating your own life circumstances. Voltaire's famous quote, "Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do," helps point the way in terms of thinking about what you might have done in your life contrasted with your actual choices along the way.
Choosing not to do something, as in Voltaire's focus on good not done, is a choice in itself from which consequences appear, or, in this reference, fail to appear. Failure to choose or act proactively often leads to people blaming someone else for their negative circumstances rather than acknowledging their own role in the outcome.
Of course, many people struggle with the failure to choose because they can't see a way to produce that which they truly want in life. The primary challenge, as noted in several earlier blogs, is that you can never get enough of what you don't really want. Even if you get that one clear, you may still be struggling with how to imagine the real possibilities of improved circumstances, much less the actual choices you will need to get there.
Last week, we addressed the core premise that how you respond to the issue, is the issue. Obviously, you are going to encounter unanticipated circumstances in your life, many of which will have negative attributes. The more you let the circumstances take over, the more trapped you will feel. The more you feel trapped, the more limited your thinking and perspective will become. The more you tell yourself that there's nothing to be done, the more evidence you will find that you are trapped. Sound familiar?
If you do even a little research into how your brain filters information, you will discover all manner of evidence that your brain filters information based on the perspective or focus you choose. Just look at your own life experience: Haven't you ever told yourself something like, "This is really bad?" No sooner did you tell yourself this than your brain found even more evidence of just how bad it is, and then your brain screamed at you: "OMG, this is worse than I thought!" And worse it gets. The only problem here is that telling yourself that it's worse than you thought doesn't mean it's actually worse, it's just that you begin to create an even worse experience of the circumstances.
Unless you are the quintessential fear-motivated person, harping on how bad something is will not move you very far in terms of taking positive action.
This is where the power within comes into play. Actually, it already was in play the moment you told yourself that things were hopeless and getting worse. You shut your brain down every time you repeated that story line to yourself. If you can make the subtle shift from how it's bad and getting worse to something along the lines of "I may not like it now, but it will get better," your brain will fall into line and start looking for evidence that there is a better way.
The Power of a Positive Focus
By holding a positive focus, you can begin tapping into a deeper power or ability to create the life you want rather than the one you may have settled for. However, there's a huge gap between simply daydreaming about a better life and doing the work necessary to turn your imagination into reality.
From my own life experiences, I know all too well the challenges of holding a positive focus in life, whether from experiencing family bankruptcies while growing up, being homeless for a time, or having business opportunities melt during tough economic times. Along the way, I learned that holding a positive focus is an invaluable key to overcoming adversity. Invaluable is not the same as easy, however.
As we dig into this deeper power to create the life you want and the role of holding a positive focus, you might want to read an earlier blog of mine titled "Why Positive Thinking Just Doesn't Work." Obviously, positive thinking on its own won't produce very much, but positive action will, which begs the question: How do you take a positive action without a positive thought in the first place?
How Micro Steps Help Get You on the Way
As you practice holding a positive focus, your brain may only come up with a couple of micro steps at first, and micro steps clearly won't take you from zero to hero in one sudden leap. Micro steps just get you moving. Much like driving a car, it's a lot easier to steer once you are moving. In order to get anywhere meaningful, you also need to have some idea where you are heading. So, start with that positive focus of an improved experience of life and take whatever micro steps you can.
As you begin moving, keep reminding yourself that you are moving and that things are becoming just a little bit better. From there, you will then find your brain filtering in more opportunities, more choices, and more micro steps that you can consider taking. The more opportunities and choices you perceive, the more your mindset will begin to shift from bad and getting worse to good and getting better. And the more you make that inner shift, the more you will find yourself making real world choices that begin adding up a real difference.
There's a lot to this notion of the power within, more than can be addressed in a simple blog post, but hopefully you are glimpsing the possibilities.
I would love to hear from you so please do leave a comment here or drop me an email at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
If you would like to learn more about the spiritual or soul-centered aspects of this power within and explore techniques that can help you create more of the life you want, please join me Wednesday, Oct. 24 at 5:30 p.m. PDT, 8:30 p.m. EDT for a free tele-workshop, "The Power Within You." To register for this free event, just click here or paste this link into your browser: http://www.msia.org/info/tele21. I will be leading this live, interactive telephone or Skype audio workshop, basing much of the session on the book, The Power Within You by John-Roger.
Russell Bishop is an educational psychologist, author, executive coach and management consultant based in Santa Barbara, Calif. You can learn more about my work by visiting my website at www.RussellBishop.com. You can contact me by e-mail at Russell (at) russellbishop (dot) com.]]>Soul-Talk: Are You Perpetuating Your Own Troubles?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.19683062012-10-16T07:40:37-04:002012-12-16T05:12:02-05:00Russell Bishophttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/russell-bishop/
However, I am saying that what you do about what befalls you may be significantly more important than the actual events themselves. Most people will struggle with this notion if not violently reject the idea. That's perfectly understandable. The moment you accept responsibility for your reactions to anything that is happening around you, you have no way back. The moment you recognize that you are the one choosing your reactions, the blame and complain game ceases to have power over you. Not that you can't slip back into the game -- after all, it is sadly all too familiar for so many of us these days. But the game will no longer work as well once you experience that you are the one choosing how you respond. As my friends Drs. Ron and Mary Hulnick write in their profound book, Loyalty to Your Soul, "How you respond to the issue is the issue."
Philosophers have noted this phenomenon seemingly forever. Voltaire quipped, "Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do." That one is worthy of consideration all by itself. When was the last time you thought of something good you could do, whether for yourself or your neighbor, and chose to do something else instead? Most of us don't have to look too far back in time to identify some choice we avoided, failed to make, or simply deferred to someone else. Even if the only thing you did was "step over the trash" in the hallway, you both contributed to the degradation of the environment as well as failed to the good that was right in front of you. This may seem almost inconsequential until you realize that not much of consequence takes place without those little micro-steps of conscious choice to make small improvements.
"No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible" is another wonderful way of capturing this essence. While often attributed to Voltaire, this appears to belong to Polish poet Stanislaw Jerzy Lec, from his 1969 work More Unkempt Thoughts. Regardless of source, the snowflake metaphor contains a powerful underlying message often echoed in the more common "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem."
So what about your own troubles? Perhaps you might consider the possibility that personal problems avoided and avalanches not prevented perhaps best devolve into one of two questions: "Which problems are you perpetuating by your own snowflake-like absence of responsibility," or "Which good have you forsaken by your own lack of action?"
One of the not-so-obvious-but-oh-so-powerful aspects of this approach to how you experience life is that you don't even have to be right with your answers for something useful to emerge. By simply asking the question about your own personal responsibility for good not experienced or troubles that have befallen you, you are more than likely to discover choices you have that could make some kind of improvement in your current situation.
As I have noted many times over in this Soul-Talk series, your Self-Talk would prefer to stick with the blame and complain game if for no other reason than it's easier to blame than it is to accept responsibility and begin to make new choices. For example, if you find yourself concerned about politics or the economy, ask yourself: What have you chosen to do about either? Bringing it even closer to home, how about how things are going at work or in your personal relationships?
While you may not have a perfect solution, you might at least get involved and take what actions you can. Even a micro-improvement tends to be better than no improvement at all. "Any port in a storm," "Rome wasn't built in a day," and "Perfect is the enemy of the good" are all adages pointing to this simple truth -- you have to start somewhere.
How about you? Are you someplace in your life where you can choose to start the improvement game? If something is troubling you, if you are beset by challenges, what small step can you take to put you on the path of improvement? And, need I remind you how good you have felt in the past when you have chosen to move from complaint into action? Progress always feels better than remaining stuck in the ruts of life.
So, stop spinning your wheels and start choosing to create the life you would prefer rather than bemoaning the one you accept. After all, ultimately, it is going to come down to you and the choice is always yours to make.
I would love to hear from you so please do leave a comment here or drop me an email at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
Russell Bishop is an educational psychologist, author, executive coach and management consultant based in Santa Barbara, Calif. You can learn more about my work by visiting my website at www.RussellBishop.com. You can contact me by e-mail at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.]]>Soul-Talk: Want More Joy in Your Life?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.19070172012-09-24T00:41:54-04:002012-11-23T05:12:02-05:00Russell Bishophttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/russell-bishop/anticipating joy, you may find that you are on a better road toward experiencing more of what you seek in life. The difference? Infinitesimal and yet massive at the same time.
If you go about your day expecting joy, peace, or just about any positive experience, you are pretty much setting yourself up for failure. Why? Because who amongst us is going to experience joy, peace or fulfillment all of the time? One hundred percent is a pretty tall order, and since perfection seems to be beyond our grasp, all you have to do is live in expectation of that perfection in order to wind up with a big letdown.
Noticing that you're not experiencing joy or peace at any one moment can be difficult enough; if you start to notice that the moments are mounting, you can wind up becoming even more disappointed, if not downright upset. The downward spiral gains momentum every time you notice that reality hasn't met up with your expectations. The more often you notice your disappointment, the harder it is to dig out of that experiential hole. And the deeper that hole, the harder it is to find your out.
If you repeat this cycle of dashed expectations often enough, it's a pretty short trip to the field of hopelessness. If you hang out in hopelessness, sooner or later you may wind up sporting that all-too-familiar expression of why bother in the first place? The more time you spend in "why bother," the less likely you are to actually try anything different.
So what's the shift that can take you from hopelessness to actually experiencing joy rather than disappointment?
Anticipating Joy
It's pretty simple, really: Shift from expecting joy to anticipating joy. Besides the obviously-simplistic idea that this could be nothing more than semantics, there is actually a huge difference. Expectations carry with them the sense of entitlement along with a demand for immediacy. "I expected" it is a way of saying I deserved it, and if you're expecting joy today, then not only are you running on the premise of you deserve it, but that you deserve it now and that the source of your joy comes from someone or something outside yourself.
Anticipation, however, carries with it a sense that the joy is coming and you just don't know when. "It's just around the corner" is a whole different mindset from "it damn well better be just around the corner."
The trick to anticipating joy is not that much different from that old Heinz catsup commercial put to Carly Simon's song "Anticipation" -- you just have to hang in there long enough for the joy to come out. While you're waiting, you stay focused on how good it's going to "taste" when it finally does come out.
The Power of Visualization
Merriam-Webster tells us that anticipation involves "a prior action that takes into account ... a later action" or "visualization of a future event or state." In other words, it's going to be pretty hard to anticipate something you have not previously experienced. One way to set the table for anticipating joy, or just about any other positive experience, is to practice the joy in advance of it showing up.
A very simple way to gain some practice of your desired future state, and thus create the positive experience of anticipation, is to develop an affirmation or visualization of your desired state. So, how do you go about creating an affirmation or visualization? It's pretty simple, really. Try imagining what it would be like to experience the joy you seek. What would you feel like, what would you imagine seeing or doing in that state of joy? As you craft an image of that desired state, add as much rich texture to the image and experience as you can. My advice is to avoid getting too fixated on specific physical aspects of your joy or happiness, to avoid focusing on elements such as the new car, house or job. Cars, houses and jobs have ways of changing, getting dinged, or otherwise wearing off.
Rather, focus on your deeper self and your state of being. As you create your inner visualization, focus on the qualities you associate with feeling joy-filled. As the images and feelings become increasingly rich, then imagine a positive phrase or affirmation that speaks to that experience as though it already were present.
The more richness you put into the visualization, the more real your inner experience, the more present it already becomes. Adding an affirmation simply reminds you that the joy or other positive experience is already yours to claim.
How to Create an Affirmation
Many of you will know the time-honored affirmation created by French psychologist Émile Coué de la Châtaigneraie: Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better. Coué held that daily repetition of this kind of affirmation would help prepare the unconscious mind to accept or create a positive change in life.
In my experience, these kinds of affirmations are useful in aligning your Self-Talk with your Soul-Talk. If you have been following this series of articles over the past year, you will know that I am talking about the difference between your negative thinking or programming, which focuses on limitation, and the quieter voice of who you truly are inside. Your soul already resides in joy and affirmations are simply ways of reminding yourself who you truly are.
Here are a couple of affirmations that I have found useful, something you can use as a starter set if you like, or perhaps use as a basic guide to help you on the way to forming your own set of personalized affirmations:
My seemingly-impossible good is happening now.
I am living in the joy and abundance of my soul.
I am experiencing the deep and profound joy of who I truly am.
Mine is to know joy and to know it more abundantly.
We all know people who continually mutter that bad things always seem to happen to them. The longer they persist in this negative form of affirmation, the greater truth it takes on. However, we also know the person who expects miracles and almost always seems to find a way to make lemonade out of life's lemons.
Affirmations and visualizations are but one way to move the odds in your favor. So ask yourself, what might you have to gain by giving this approach a shot? Surely, you won't have much to lose. However, you also need to keep in mind that positive thinking alone is insufficient -- sooner or later, you will need to take some kind of positive action. Your first positive step just might be to create a positive affirmation and accompanying visualization.
One cycle or repetition will not suffice. You will probably need to stick with this for some time in order to create the necessary shift. So, why not pick one and give it a go for the next week or so? If you like the experience, you can then keep it going. You might be more than surprised by the amount of positive change that can occur if you stick with it. The first step is to take the first step.
I would love to hear from you so please do leave a comment here or drop me an email at Russell (at) russellbishop(dot)com.
Russell Bishop is an educational psychologist, author, executive coach and management consultant based in Santa Barbara, Calif. You can learn more about my work by visiting my website at www.RussellBishop.com. You can contact me by email at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
For more on GPS for the Soul, click here. ]]>Soul-Talk: Who Do You Hate?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.18691982012-09-10T06:49:10-04:002012-11-10T05:12:01-05:00Russell Bishophttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/russell-bishop/
Assuming you may have noticed the increasingly vitriolic and venomous rhetoric spewed by people who have moved from disagreement to disagreeableness to downright nastiness, perhaps it would be useful to take a look at hatred and what it means to hate. If you have been reading these Self-Talk to Soul-Talk posts over the past year, you will already know my basic premise: Hate or virtually any other form of negative thinking stems from your Self-Talk, not your Soul-Talk. Your Self-Talk has been misinformed by limiting beliefs, negative experiences and, ultimately, by your fears and an underlying misunderstanding of your own life circumstances.
Freud thought that hate was an ego state seeking to destroy the source of its unhappiness. Saint Augustine and Thomas Aquinas considered hate to be "sinful" in that the act of hating confused the action or object of hatred with the person performing the act. Aquinas, writing in Summa Theologica, laid out a course of reasoning that has been summarized in today's simplified version of "hating the sin but not the sinner." René Descartes held that hatred stemmed from becoming aware that something was bad coupled with an overwhelming desire to withdraw from it.
However you define hatred or the act of hating, it can't be very good for you to indulge yourself in those kinds of feelings. As noted in an earlier post, persisting in most any of these kinds of negative emotions are tantamount to drinking your own poison, hoping the other person will die.
Do You Really Know the Person You Hate?
While Abraham Lincoln may not have addressed hatred directly, I think he pointed the way to overcoming its misguided focus in two simple but elegant quotes: "If you look for the bad in people expecting to find it, you surely will" coupled with "I don't like that man. I must get to know him better." My spiritual teacher, John-Roger, put it this way: "If you could know the pain of your worst enemy, you would never hold another thing against him."
In today's always-connected-but-never-really-connecting world of texts, tweets and sound bites, we seem to become further separated from one another rather than more intimately connected. Taking the time to really get to know someone else seems to be an increasingly lost art. Too often we settle for knowing something about the person, rather than actually getting to know the person he really is inside. Knowing about someone rather than the deeper person inside opens the door to our Self-Talk deciding for us who the other person is based on nothing more than a combination of our fears and our interpretations or perceptions of their behavior.
Men often hate each other because they fear each other; they fear each other because they don't know each other; they don't know each other because they can not communicate; they can not communicate because they are separated.
How do we break down the separations that have become seemingly-impossible chasms between people? How do we reconcile differences without having to resort to invective and recrimination? How can invective or recrimination actually lead to any sort of reconciliation, cooperation or mutual gain?
Are You Looking for the Bad in People?
Let's make this personal. If you find yourself hating someone you actually know, rather than some caricature of the person, then consider whether you have spent any real time getting to know the person underneath the behavior. More than likely, you may have to acknowledge that you have been behaving more like the first Lincoln quote cited here, "If you look for the bad in people expecting to find it, you surely will," and not so much following the wisdom of the second quote, "I don't like that man. I must get to know him better."
Darkness cannot put out darkness: only light can do that...
I have also decided to stick with love, for I know that love is ultimately the only answer to mankind's problems. And I'm going to talk about it everywhere I go. I know it isn't popular to talk about it in some circles today. And I'm not talking about emotional bosh when I talk about love; I'm talking about a strong, demanding love ... I have decided to love. If you are seeking the highest good, I think you can find it through love.
He also went on to say: "Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."
A Personal Challenge
How can you contribute to the lofty yet practical aspirations contained within the messages of Dr. King and President Lincoln? While you may not have much direct impact on the world of politics and the economy, how about in the world of your friends, acquaintances and everyday life?
Can you imagine adopting the kind of interested and loving inquiry advocated by President Lincoln and Dr. King? What might happen if your circle of friends, acquaintances and colleagues were to likewise adopt loving inquiry, even if only for a week or even for a day? What difference can you imagine taking place even if it were only you?
The challenge: take it upon yourself this week to start your own one-person campaign of loving inquiry, discarding at least for this week or simply for a day the tendency to judge and condemn the other. What would you have to lose if you were to approach someone genuinely seeking to understand how the conflict or disagreement appears to them? What might you have to gain?
Surely this challenge will present itself to me this week, just as it will present itself to you. The only question: Are you and I willing to accept the challenge? Let's see what happens! I accept -- how about you?
I would love to hear from you so please do leave a comment here or drop me an email at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
Russell Bishop is an educational psychologist, author, executive coach and management consultant based in Santa Barbara, Calif. You can learn more about my work by visiting my website at www.RussellBishop.com. You can contact me by e-mail at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.]]>Soul-Talk: Are You Masquerading as Someone Who Cares?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.18502902012-09-03T07:10:37-04:002012-11-03T05:12:01-04:00Russell Bishophttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/russell-bishop/"I'm upset because..." following from an earlier discussion that many of us are drinking our own poison, hoping the other person will die. There are several common threads woven through all these articles, and they all have to do with personal response-ability. The first and perhaps most important of these threads is the sometimes-difficult-to-acknowledge fact that you are the one choosing your own experience. That does not necessarily mean you are the one choosing your circumstances, but you are the one choosing your emotional response to those circumstances.
Having just come from the Republican Convention and now at the Democratic Convention, I see the common thread of "I'm upset because..." which is really just another blame and complain game permeating just about every political twist and turn. Sadly, it has become a basic truism that politics today can't seem to exist without heavy doses of "I'm upset because..." coupled with blame and complain.
However, just because politics has fallen into such a lack of response-ability and accountability doesn't mean that you have to join them in the masquerade of engagement and concern when it comes to your own personal life. "I'm upset because" thinking is a great way of pretending that you are engaged in something of consequence rather than actually engaging in actions that will make a difference. The problem with living from upset -- whether it is anger and resentment (that poison you drink yourself), righteous indignation, or simple blame and complain -- is that these powerful negative emotions provide the false positive of feeling as though you are doing something, when in fact all you are doing is venting your feelings while blaming someone else for your upset.
If you access your natural intelligence, you will use your upset or negative feelings not as something to direct toward another, but as a signpost that you still have some kind of unresolved personal issue that needs your attention. This one is slippery in the sense that it can be difficult to grasp that your upset is a function of your own choices and issues more than what appears to be happening out there in the world.
Upset is a signpost pointing to an unresolved issue, something that you are wrestling with internally, something that requires your willingness to ask, "What is it about me such that I find this situation upsetting?" When you can identify that underlying issue, you may then find yourself in a greater state of awareness and empowerment to do something effective about the situation. Feeling upset, or even expressing your upset, may masquerade as something positive, but surely those upset feelings don't change much of anything out there -- they just let you feel even more upset and that increased upset becomes even more proof that you are right!
Are You Engaged or Just Upset?
If the external event or person were truly the source of your upset, then virtually everyone would be upset. It's kind of like going out in the rain without an umbrella -- you will get wet -- everyone will get wet. That's because water is, well, wet. However, when you experience yourself becoming upset, take a look around. Is everyone upset, or just a select group? Again, this can be slippery -- there are any number of important issues that require focused, caring attention. However, upset is a mask for caring -- it lets you express an emotion rather than actually taking action.
Simply expressing your upset or stewing in its upsetting juices does little to effect any positive change. The next time you find yourself upset, you might first look inwardly to discover what it is that you find so disturbing. You may feel quite justified in the upset -- after all, there are any number of "unfair" circumstances out there that you can find upsetting.
However, if upset accomplished anything on its own, just imagine all the changes that could have been made in this world.
While working at the HuffPost Oasis during the Republican National Convention, I found myself in a conversation with "Fred," a very highly principled person, someone who is a spokesperson for peace, consciousness and creating a more loving world. What made the conversation so interesting were the blatant contradictions that he was producing, all the time remaining oblivious to them. He was exercised about what he considered the unfairness of the Republican agenda, something he characterized as self-serving and full of "againstness and hate." The more he went on, the more agitated he became about Republicans in general, evidencing his own form of "againstness."
Darkness Cannot Drive Out Darkness
In the words of Dr. Martin Luther King:
The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it.
Through violence you may murder the liar, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth.
Through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate.
In fact, violence merely increases hate. So it goes.
Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.
-- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., "Where Do We Go From Here?"
Whenever Fred chooses to process the source of upset inside himself, he will still have the object of his focus in front of him -- how to transform the world into a more peaceful, loving and caring place. However, if he continues to approach the challenge of transformation from his own againstness, the only people who will get the message will be those people who resonate with the same againstness. When he can resolve whatever unfairness resides inside his own consciousness, he will then be able to approach the issue with a greater experience of understanding, loving and acceptance. Acceptance does not mean agreement; it simply means understanding what is present and working from that reality forward.
I learned this lesson myself back at Berkeley in the turbulent times of "on strike, shut it down." As I wrote in an earlier article:
Back in the 1960's and 1970's, I was involved in all manner of protests -- civil rights, peace, equal access, etc. One day, on a protest line, I wound up getting hit by a tear gas canister. As I picked it up and started to throw it back, I suddenly, and inexplicably, found myself looking back at myself, as though I were a spectator to my own activity. And then I heard myself screaming, "why don't you a**holes love us?"
At that moment, life began changing in profound and meaningful ways. As wave after wave of awareness broke over me, I saw the contradiction of my life to that point: my message was love and peace, and my strategy was to yell, scream and throw things.
While still a long way from perfect, I continue to use that experience to examine myself in increasingly layers of depth, uncovering abuses I have experienced and internalized into my own forms of abusive behavior. From that day forward, I committed myself to learning to live from a deeper place of loving and caring, from a place that I have come to call my Soul-Talk. I still find my self upset at various forms of what I consider to be injustices in the world. However, I have learned that trying to create change through upset is a bit like fighting for peace. I think Dr. King already laid that one to rest. For me, the daily challenge is to live from the place inside of me that cares and to manifest that caring through my thoughts, words and deeds.
What's the deeper place inside of you that is seeking greater expression in your life? What is the message of your Soul-Talk that may be hidden just below the level of your upset? If you can access that deeper level, how might your life be different?
I would love to hear from you so please do leave a comment here or drop me an email at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
Russell Bishop is an educational psychologist, author, executive coach and management consultant based in Santa Barbara, Calif. You can learn more about my work by visiting my website at www.RussellBishop.com. You can contact me by e-mail at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
For more on GPS for the Soul, click here. ]]>GPS for the Soul: At the Oasistag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.18439942012-08-30T15:30:10-04:002012-10-30T05:12:01-04:00Russell Bishophttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/russell-bishop/Earlier today, a husband and wife team from a major news outlet came by the Oasis at the Republican Convention seeking a respite from the heat -- both political and tropical. As she said, "My husband is about to have a meltdown." A few minutes with the beta version of our soon-to-be-released killer app for better living, GPS for the Soul, and balance was restored.
GPS for the Soul has been an off-the-hook hit with press and delegates alike. People are marveling at this game-changing innovation featuring a sensor that provides a useful proxy for stress while offering just-in-time suggestions to help restore a sense of inner balance and relaxation.
The free app will launch initially for iPhone users in mid-October. The app is being developed through an unprecedented partnership between The Huffington Post; HeartMath, an industry leader in research-based stress management programs, techniques and technologies; and bLife, a wellness innovation company that has developed the platform on which GPS for the Soul app is being built.
Why GPS for the Soul?
Arianna happened by and the once-melting husband asked how we came up with the idea for an iPhone app that could relieve stress. He asked, "Aren't these devices more the source of stress than a source of relief?" Here's what Arianna had to say:
The Huffington Post has a huge commitment to bringing practical health and wellness tools into everyday life. Indeed, GPS for the Soul is founded on a paradox. The idea that an app can help free us from our hyper-connected lives in order to reconnect with ourselves is truly counterintuitive.
With all the stress, demands, and challenges we face in everyday life, it's more difficult than ever to achieve our goals and still maintain a sense of balance. We lead hyper-connected lives, and far too often that hyper-connectedness is keeping us from tapping into our own creativity, empathy, and wisdom.
Given the huge amounts of stress we are facing, it's crucial that we use all the tools at our disposal to get back on course as individuals, and as a society. Just as a GPS system in a car helps recalculate your route, GPS for the Soul will tell you when you've gone off-course. And, much like your car GPS, it will provide instant, on-demand feedback to help you course-correct.
Since no one knows better than you what helps you de-stress and find your balance, you can customize that feedback, programming the app to send you just what you need to get back to center. It might be soothing pictures, relaxing music, breathing exercises, guided meditations, or yoga instructions.
How It Works
The mobile app builds on the content in the GPS for the Soul page on The Huffington Post, offering an array of anytime, any place stress relief to help free users from their hyper-connected lives. Ranging from HeartMath's Quick Coherence® technique to guides featuring meditation examples, soothing music and images, the app allows users to get back in sync quickly, easily and virtually anywhere they have their iPhone. Music and images can be selected from the user's iTunes and iPhoto accounts or from pre-installed guides created by well-known celebrities ranging from Dr. Mark Hyman and Deepak Chopra to Kathy Freston, and even one from Arianna herself.
Users can personalize the app's guides with music, poetry, affirmations, breathing exercises, and pictures of their loved ones -- right from the iPhone. In addition, users can access guides from friends and family, or from people they may have never met but whose guides resonate with them. People can even share their customized guides on social media platforms such as Facebook.
This exceptional partnership, combining the wide array of offerings within GPS for the Soul with HeartMath's unique feedback mechanism at the core of the app, make this a true game-changer in the world of apps and well-being.
As the journalists were leaving, the woman comments: "My husband was about to have a major meltdown -- thank God the Oasis was nearby. We really do need an Oasis in everyday life -- GPS for the Soul is a great way to take the Oasis with us everywhere we go!"
For more on Oasis 2012, click here.]]>Soul-Talk: How to Find Perfection in Rejectiontag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.18318592012-08-27T12:02:18-04:002012-10-27T05:12:03-04:00Russell Bishophttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/russell-bishop/
Earlier this past week, she had been reading my July article on acceptance and cooperation. We began talking about the sometimes-difficult notion of acceptance and understanding when she shared her story about the one who got away. Alice had been struggling with acceptance and how to make the best of apparently-difficult situations when she bumped into her former friend and lover.
Rejection Perfection
Most people think acceptance has something to do with liking your circumstances. In truth, acceptance merely means recognizing the obvious, cooperating with the reality of it, and finding ways to move forward in spite of the situation. As we got deeper into the conversation, Alice came up with one of those in-the-moment bits of enlightenment that was as stunning in its accuracy as it was profound. She summed her experience and insight up in two words: "Rejection Perfection." In her way of thinking, the painful experience of rejection may have actually saved her an even more painful experience of living with an addict. Rejection Perfection, indeed.
As she shared this bit of awareness and insight, I offered her an affirmation I have begun working with lately, The Will of God will not take you where the Grace of God cannot sustain you. Alice was bowled over by this, and it was several minutes before she felt like speaking as the wisdom, truth and perfection of this little statement washed over her.
This simple-but-powerful affirmation came to me a while back as I was struggling with what appeared to be yet another difficult choice to be made in my life. I'm sure you've been there in your life as well -- circumstances had changed in some unexpected ways and part of me was fearful about what to do next. I don't know about you, but my life has a way of unfolding in ways that don't always match my hopes. Perhaps you have noticed something similar.
As I have been writing these many months, there's always a source of inner guidance and support to be found regardless of your circumstances, if only you are willing to listen to that quiet inner voice of your Soul-Talk. In this instance, my Soul-Talk was actually repeating something to me that I had heard somewhere in the distant past but not quite paid attention to.
As it turns out, my abbreviated affirmation actually comes from a longer and even more profound piece by someone who so far remains unknown to me. (If you happen to know who actually penned the verses that follow, I would love to know). The author probably doesn't care as much about attribution as he likely cares about the contribution these powerful, insightful words convey:
The will of God will never take you, where the grace of God cannot keep you, where the arms of God cannot support you, where the riches of God cannot supply your needs, where the power of God cannot endow you.
The will of God will never take you, where the Spirit of God cannot work through you, where the wisdom of God cannot teach you, where the army of God cannot protect you, where the hands of God cannot mold you.
The will of God will never take you, where the love of God cannot enfold you, where the mercies of God cannot sustain you, where the peace of God cannot calm your fears, where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.
The will of God will never take you, where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears, where the Word of God cannot feed you, where the miracles of God cannot be done for you, where the omnipresence of God cannot find you.
-- Author Unknown
To me, it doesn't matter what term you might want to substitute for "God." You can use a sacred name that resonates well with you, you can use something as simple as Spirit, or higher consciousness -- it just doesn't matter. As I am fond of saying, "God did not name Itself. It took a human being to do the naming."
So, don't get terribly hung up on the language side of the equation. If you can move past the word level and delve into the underlying power of your soul or spiritual essence, you may well discover something quite liberating. Try exploring your own past circumstances and see if you can't discover something that has sustained you even when times looked the most bleak.
What challenging circumstances have you encountered that later turned out to be one of those "blessings in disguise"? What have you learned about trusting that inner voice of your own Soul-Talk?
I would love to hear from you, so please do leave a comment here or drop me an email at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
Russell Bishop is an educational psychologist, author, executive coach and management consultant based in Santa Barbara, Calif. You can learn more about my work by visiting my website at www.RussellBishop.com. You can contact me by email at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
For more on GPS for the Soul, click here. ]]>Soul-Talk: Politics -- Is There a Way Past Blame and Upset?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.18071062012-08-20T08:21:20-04:002012-10-20T05:12:04-04:00Russell Bishophttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/russell-bishop/ "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore," popularized in the movie Network, has a nice ring to it, and we certainly have all kinds of things to be "mad as hell" about these days. While being mad as hell may have made for a nice movie about a television network with crashing ratings, it sadly has become a placeholder for conscious thought about what ails us personally and as a nation.
Our political and social cultures have devolved so far these days that seemingly the only way to get anyone involved with darn near anything is to play the "I'm upset because" card. There's just one small problem with "I'm upset because" thinking: The longer you persist in believing that the source of your upset lies with someone or something else, you will live in a persistent state of upset, ever the victim of someone or something else.
Sooner or later, if you want an improved experience of your own life, you are going to have to surrender to the simple fact that while you may not have chosen your circumstances, you are the one choosing how you respond. You can respond with upset and blame and all you will get from that is more upset and blame. As noted in an earlier article, choosing to remain stuck in blame and upset is tantamount to drinking poison hoping the other person will die.
The Politics of Upset or The Politics of the Heart?
What would happen if we could change our current penchant for blame and upset politics into a more Soul-Centered approach, instead building a culture of well-being and caring for one another? If we persist in choosing to drink the poison of I'm upset because, we will only devolve further into a seemingly-endless pit of blame and angst. Returning to a civil society does not mean we all play nicey-nicey with one another, denying that which is broken or in need of improvement; however, it does mean that we can learn to disagree without becoming even more disagreeable. If we can choose to focus on the improvement side of the equation, we just might find a mutual way forward. If we stay stuck in the politics of blame and upset, we will only get more of the same.
While both de facto presidential candidates proclaim a religious or spiritual reference point in life, neither seems willing or able to let go of attacks on the other side in favor of treating one another as they themselves would wish to be treated. Both claim to honor and respect other people hewing to classic lines of their different but similar Christian faiths, and yet vitriol and personal attacks have become commonplace in what passes for political discourse these days. My optimistic side imagines that if one side or the other were to allow their Soul-Talk to lead, then we just might find a more enlightened way forward, that we just might find a way to truly collaborate on building a better future for all concerned.
Our Self-Talk will naturally lead us into focusing on what is wrong and to add the sense of futility that ever it was and ever it shall be. That's the core nature of our Self-Talk -- one of limitation, self-doubt and glass-is-half-empty thinking. Self-Talk also revels in blame and attack as a way to foster a sense of being better than the other while avoiding any personal response-ability for the difference being sought.
Our Soul-Talk encourages us to return to our heart, to actually live our deeper principles, not as platitudes and moral imperatives but as dynamic realities made manifest in our thoughts, words and deeds. Merriam-Webster tells us that the word encourage means to inspire with courage, spirit, or hope. The root word of courage comes from the French word for heart (coeur) and the suffix -age adds the sense of being. What would it be like if we had more courageous leadership out there, people living from their heart? What would it be like if you could live more from your own heart?
At both the Republican and Democratic National Conventions, The Huffington Post will again sponsor The Oasis, a sanctuary from the madness where delegates and journalists can take a break from the stress and rigors of political angst. The goal is to help visitors experience ways to "unplug and recharge," to find a moment of balance and centeredness. The Oasis will also feature the soon-to-be-released GPS for the Soul app that can monitor your current state of balance via a heart rate monitor and then offer guides to help you find your way back to center.
Gratitude: The Antidote to Upset
The Oasis will allow visitors to get a sneak preview of how this powerful little app can help them get a read on their current state and how quickly they can return to center. HeartMath, the HuffPost partner in building the sensor used to monitor your heart rate variability, has extensive research showing that by focusing on appreciation or gratitude you can quickly and easily return to a more balanced, centered state of well-being.
Wouldn't it be great if we could influence even a few politicians to focus on appreciation and gratitude during this election season? Can you imagine what it would be like to let go of the "Politics of Upset" and move into a new "Politics of Civil Discourse"? Can you imagine what it would be like to see politicians engaged in reasoned debate about how to take something good and make it even better instead of framing nearly every issue as "the other side has screwed us to the max"?
Can you imagine a "Politics of the Heart"?
Please do leave a comment here or drop me an email at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
Russell Bishop is an educational psychologist, author, executive coach and management consultant based in Santa Barbara, Calif. You can learn more about my work by visiting my website at www.RussellBishop.com. You can contact me by email at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
For more on GPS for the Soul, click here. ]]>Soul-Talk: How to Avoid Any More Secret Hurtstag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.17677232012-08-12T08:06:31-04:002012-10-12T05:12:31-04:00Russell Bishophttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/russell-bishop/"How to Heal Your Secret Hurt," and many wrote to thank me for the article. Some asked a telling question: "How do you avoid hurt in the first place?" What a super question!
Hurt feelings often stem from expectations or unspoken demands you place on other people. You know the drill: If you loved me, you would... Of course, half the battle lies in the fact that you probably haven't even shared your expectations with the other person in the first place. The first obvious fix might be to tell the other person what you hope will be true in the relationship and how you hope they will behave. At least that way there's some chance the other person might go along.
Even this direct approach belies a problem that needs to be addressed. If you take this route, you then set yourself up for more reasons to be upset, something I addressed earlier in my article "I'm Upset Because..." The other person is not responsible for how you choose to feel! Fritz Perls, my early inspiration in this field of personal response-ability, wrote what has become known as the Gestalt Prayer:
I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped.
(Fritz Perls, "Gestalt Therapy Verbatim," 1969)
However, knowing this did not necessarily make it any easier to go through my life free of hurt feelings. It wasn't until my spiritual teacher, John-Roger, helped me understand the difference between the underlying spiritual essence of who people are and what they do that I began to experience increasing ease and grace in my life.
A couple of years after I had created Insight Seminars, I was talking with John-Roger about how disappointed I was with a particular individual and his behavior. J-R asked me what was disappointing. I told him that the other person seemed to be saying one thing and doing another in a way that betrayed the greater consciousness we had been discussing as our business relationship was developing. That's when J-R helped me with a distinction I am still learning to this day: The personality and behavior of another person just can't hold a candle to the soul, to the divinity of who they truly are.
He basically said to me: "Whenever you see the soul or spirit of another person, you unconsciously project onto them behaviors that you think are consistent with what soul or spirit mean to you. When their behavior varies from your definition of soul-centered essence, you feel betrayed, let down or somehow lied to."
You Are a Spiritual Being Having a Human Experience
Bam! What an eye opener that was. I have often allowed the behavior of another to cloud my vision and forget that we are spiritual beings having a human experience, not human beings having a spiritual experience. Part of the human experience is to err, to listen and behave more in accordance with our Self-Talk than to live from the divine essence of our Soul-Talk.
When I can hold the difference in my consciousness, when I can recognize the Divine in the other as independent from the choices the personality might make, I find my life is easier, characterized by more grace, acceptance and loving. Not surprisingly, I not only experience greater acceptance and understanding, but I also walk free of hurt feelings, of the imagined slights, disappointments or feelings of betrayal.
In truth, the only betrayal is that created by my own Self-Talk, that age-old programming that would have me focus on the behaviors of myself and others as though that is who we truly are. When I do so, I lose sight of the Divine in both myself and other person, forgetting that the soul is here having a human experience. Turning a blind eye to the underlying spiritual essence makes it easier to step into judgment, and, as noted last week:
That deep pain you have experienced in your life, the one that won't seem to let go, is anchored in having forgotten your Divinity and focusing instead on the part of you that has erred. Denial of your true source is easy enough to come by -- it's simply a by-product of having a human experience in this world and losing sight of the ultimate truth that you are soul having that human experience.
You Are Not Your Mistakes
So, if you would experience your life in a greater state of acceptance, grace and ease, free from hurt and disappointment, try looking for the Divine first in your own self. Start to notice the difference between your deeper soul-centered essence and the mistakes you make in life. You make mistakes, but you are not your mistakes. The more you can bring this level of awareness to your own self, the easier it will be for you to see the difference in others. The more you can experience the Divine in your self and others, the greater will be your freedom and you will, indeed, step free from the source of your deepest hurt -- forgetting that we are all Divine, each souls having a human experience.
How does this match to your own experience? Have you noticed that you sometimes act in ways that are inconsistent with who you truly are at a deeper level? How can you bring this greater awareness into your daily life, with your family, your friends, and your coworkers?
Please do leave a comment here or drop me an email at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
Russell Bishop is an educational psychologist, author, executive coach and management consultant based in Santa Barbara, Calif. You can learn more about my work by visiting my website at www.RussellBishop.com. You can contact me by email at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
For more on GPS for the Soul, click here. ]]>Soul-Talk: How to Heal Your Secret Hurttag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.17454392012-08-06T08:45:15-04:002012-10-06T05:12:17-04:00Russell Bishophttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/russell-bishop/
The truth is that we have all endured hurt in our lives. Some suffer physically in ways unimaginable, while others suffer in less visible but no less hurtful ways. That we each have been hurt in the past is a virtual given. That most of us will endure even more hurt going forward seems highly predictable. That we need to trample back when trampled upon is NOT a given, however.
If you have ever trampled all over someone, either intentionally or unintentionally, and later regretted your actions, then perhaps you understand the value of forgiveness. Perhaps you have longed for the forgiveness of another and found that it wasn't forthcoming. On the other hand, you may have been forgiven but still can't let go of the regret.
If you still live with regret from any of your past actions, what you most need is not the forgiveness others might be able to offer; the only forgiveness that matters in the long run is self-forgiveness. Self-forgiveness stems from the realization that whatever you might have done, or even whatever the other person might have done, has less to do with the action itself, but more with the judgment you have placed against yourself for judging in the first place. Judging anyone, yourself included, is a source of great pain because judging denies the Divinity of both yourself and the other person.
Denying that anyone is Divine creates separation from the one experience we desperately seek, that of our own soul, of our own divinity. Your soul knows it is Divine just as it knows that all souls are Divine. Do Divine beings err? Well, probably not the soul, but as Teilhard de Chardin put it: We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience. Part of the human experience is to err.
That deep pain you have experienced in your life, the one that won't seem to let go, is anchored in having forgotten your Divinity and focusing instead on the part of you that has erred. Denial of your true source is easy enough to come by -- it's simply a byproduct of having a human experience in this world and losing sight of the ultimate truth that you are soul having that human experience.
Focusing on what happens in the day-to-day drumbeat of life on the planet makes it easy to lose sight that it is your soul having that human experience. The human side of experience often comes with a great deal of drama and noise, while the soul quietly moves through what happens with the equanimity that comes from knowing its true essence.
Whenever you return to your ultimate truth, to your self as soul, pain dissolves and peace takes its place. The peace that is restored is always with you. However, you may not always be present with your peace. Whenever you remove yourself from the reality of your soul, you step away from your peace. Stepping away automatically brings with it a sense of discomfort; persisting in the separation eventually becomes your source of pain. How could it be otherwise?
If your true essence is Divine and if your soul is naturally at peace, then doesn't it stand to reason that pain is a sign of having placed your focus someplace other than on who you truly are? Even if this seems a bit woo-woo to you, how about at least giving it some consideration the next time you find yourself in pain? After all, what have you got to lose? Other than your pain, that is.
If this makes even a modicum of sense to you, or if you are at least willing to give it a go, may I suggest that you explore the notion of what it means to be a soul having a human experience? If you're looking for a place to start, there are countless ways. You could simply cruise the GPS for the Soul page right here at HuffPost for ideas or try our meditation page.
If you're looking for something more specifically aligned with the kinds of ideas I have been sharing in this Soul-Talk series, you would do well to consider reading this amazing book by Drs. Ron and Mary Hulnick, Loyalty to Your Soul. Or you could start with this HuffPost blog of theirs on spiritual evolution.
You could start your spiritual exploration anywhere. The only wrong place to start is to not start at all.
Please do leave a comment here or drop me an email at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
Russell Bishop is an educational psychologist, author, executive coach and management consultant based in Santa Barbara, Calif. You can learn more about my work by visiting my website at www.RussellBishop.com. You can contact me by email at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
For more on GPS for the Soul, click here. ]]>Soul-Talk: I'm Upset Because...tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.17172652012-07-30T08:33:45-04:002012-09-29T05:12:39-04:00Russell Bishophttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/russell-bishop/
Blaming others for being upset seems about as normal as the sun coming up in the morning. However, if you are willing to look, and to look deeply, you just might find that upset carries with it a blessing, a signpost pointing toward your next life lessons of self-improvement.
If you find yourself becoming upset just reading this, please bear with me. I know this is tricky, and there are certainly any number of reasons we can choose to be upset with someone else or their behavior. However, it is your Self-Talk that spins things into righteous indignation and upset, while it is your Soul-Talk that would have you learn the lessons from your upset and return to your own inner peace.
How to Find the Blessing in the Upset
Have you ever found yourself focused on the other person's behavior without giving much thought to the fact that you're the one who is experiencing upset? Look a little deeper and you may discover that you're the one producing the upset in the first place -- you may not have created the event you find upsetting, but surely you are the one who chooses upset as your response. In fact, I'll bet you have stayed upset long after the other person left the scene. If you have let your upset take charge, then surely you have experienced the fact that upset rarely changes anything other than to add more upset to the equation.
If you would like to experience less upset in your life and move into greater effectiveness, then you might need to learn how to use your upset as a signpost pointing toward greater self-awareness. The real question has less to do with what the other person did or did not do and more to do with how you chose to respond to it. In fact, I'll bet you have been pretty much blown away on occasion when someone has leveled their "upset laser" at you, blasting away at their perceptions of your limitations. Not blown away because of how accurate the blast, but blown away because whatever you were accused of doing or being had no relationship to what you intended or perhaps even did.
Make no mistake -- I find myself upset from time to time and more frequently than I would prefer. However, I'm learning that while there may be behaviors, actions and ways of being that I dislike, I don't have to go into upset to do anything about it. My experience suggests that entering into upset only adds more negativity to the already-challenging situation. One of the things I tend to get upset about has to do with my perceptions of how other people should treat me. Chief amongst those unspoken demands is that I should be appreciated for both my good works and good intentions. Recently, someone I care about summarily dismissed both my good intentions and my good works without so much as an acknowledgment of my efforts on their behalf. The dismissal took the form of their upset being leveled at me with phasers set at stun level.
I was still upset when I sat down with a good friend to process what had taken place several hours later. As we talked, it became increasingly clear that I was upset not because of what she did or said, but because it pointed out to me several life issues I am still learning. Chief amongst those lessons is the simple fact that if I don't appreciate me, if I don't acknowledge me, I won't experience much appreciation even if someone else has it to offer.
As this was circling inside my mind and emotions, my Soul-Talk began to wedge itself into the conversation, reminding me that I rarely appreciate, recognize or claim the good works that I do in the world. In fact, I often go the other way, denying that I did much, etc. My friend pointed out the difference between being humble and denying contribution: I had been living in a state of "humble" denial, hoping someone else would offer the approval I wanted but would not give to myself, and then getting upset when people failed to acknowledge what I was busy denying. Perfect, huh?
I'm doing my best to listen to that quieter voice of my soul, seeking to elevate my experience of life. Here are two powerful lessons from Loyalty to Your Soul, a fantastic book by Drs. Ron and Mary Hulnick, that I'm working with every day:
• If someone else triggers an upset, there is an unresolved issue inside of you.
• You create your future by how you respond to your experiences now.
Resolving the unresolved and taking ownership for my own reactions is quite liberating, at least for me. How about you? What experience do you have with taking ownership for your own upset? What are the life lessons hiding in plain sight, disguised by "I'm upset because" type of thinking?
Please do leave a comment here or drop me an email at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
Russell Bishop is an educational psychologist, author, executive coach and management consultant based in Santa Barbara, Calif. You can learn more about my work by visiting my website at www.RussellBishop.com. You can contact me by e-mail at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
For more on GPS for the Soul, click here. ]]>Soul-Talk: Are You Suffering Unnecessarily?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.16922012012-07-23T08:39:44-04:002012-09-22T05:12:05-04:00Russell Bishophttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/russell-bishop/
Tragic events unfold every day, and each of us has surely endured our own versions. In my life, I have been through numerous emergency surgeries, went through three family bankruptcies, lost my father in my teenage years, lived in my car for a period, and so on and so on. I certainly can remember bemoaning my fate from time to time, and still the temptation arises to feel sorry for myself when the unexpected arises. Earlier this month I was on the receiving end of a blistering attack for a project that seemed to be going sideways and found myself sinking into a certain amount of poor-me-why-is-life-so-unfair thinking.
Fortunately, some part of me recognized that while I may not have chosen either the derailed aspect of the project nor the unexpected attack, I was the one choosing my poor-me response. In a miracle of perfect timing, the week after the explosion, I wound up attending a powerful weekend workshop, Loyalty to Your Soul, masterfully facilitated by Drs. Ron and Mary Hulnick, who authored a book by the same name. Several key lessons in the workshop fit perfectly here, including: How you relate to the issue is the issue, and how you relate to yourself while going through the issue is the issue. Working with these two simple yet profound principles, I have been able to step up my game yet again, abandoning my negative Self-Talk in favor of my more uplifting authentic self, what I call my Soul-Talk.
Heroic examples abound of people who have shown us just how powerful these life lessons can be. Viktor Frankl endured several years in Nazi concentration camps, W. Mitchell overcame a blazing, disfiguring motorcycle wreck followed by paralysis from a small plane crash, while Jennifer Gilbert rose above being stabbed 37 times with a screwdriver. These are but three examples of just how resourceful we can be as human beings in the face of adversity, three who give living proof that we are not bound by our circumstances -- that suffering is, indeed, optional.
While Frankl could easily have come out of the camps with great stories of suffering, instead he brought the lesson of understanding that freedom is that point in time just after they did something to him and just before he chose his response -- the only thing the Nazis could not take from him was his ability to choose his response. In his own words from his phenomenal book Mans' Search for Meaning:
We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in numbers, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
"Before I was paralyzed there were 10,000 things I could do. Now there are 9,000. I can either dwell on the 1,000 I've lost or focus on the 9,000 I have left."
Jennifer was followed home by a stranger, brutally attacked with a screwdriver, and left for dead. She writes of her ordeal:
To this day the very thought of being pitied makes my stomach turn in revulsion. More than anything, my desire to rise above the label of "victim" is what propelled me forward past those scary dark first six months.
One day, I decided to stop looking back, and realized something that's been my mantra ever since: You can't move forward if you're staring in the rearview mirror ...
I finally realized that I was the only person standing in my own way. As long as I kept telling myself that I was unworthy of joy, then, I felt unworthy. Letting go ... of the anger, sadness, and expectations I once had was my own choice, one I DID have control over.
I know now that while I cannot control what may happen to me in life, I can control who I want to be after it happens. It's a very simple, yet powerful statement. So instead of worrying about life and what it has in store for me, I throw my hands up in the air and enjoy the ride.
In addition to Frankl, Mitchel and Gilbert, thousands of others have demonstrated in different but equally compelling ways the simple truth that while you may not have chosen your tragedies, continued suffering is truly optional. There's no question that each endured incredible levels of physical, mental and emotional pain. However, each chose a path forward, one that left behind nagging self-reminders of victimization and suffering, choosing instead to create a life worth living despite the circumstances each endured.
So, what's your story? Are you letting life circumstances dictate your experience? If that has been the case, up until now, then now may be the time to step up your own game and begin to create more of what you truly prefer in life and less of what you settle for. Don't let anyone judge you for your past, least of all yourself. You may have made choices, even right up to today, that have led to needless suffering. All that is in the past if you choose to respond differently today.
Now is the time you can choose to listen to your own Soul-Talk, to learn your own version of how you respond to the issue, is the issue. Or, as Mitchell writes in his powerful book by the same title, "It's not what happens to you, it's what you do about it."
How have you risen above suffering? How have you found the ability to expand in the face of adversity? Please do leave a comment here or drop me an email at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
Russell Bishop is an educational psychologist, author, executive coach and management consultant based in Santa Barbara, Calif. You can learn more about my work by visiting my website at www.RussellBishop.com. You can contact me by e-mail at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
For more on GPS for the Soul, click here. ]]>Soul-Talk: Acceptance -- How to Expand in the Face of Your Fearstag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.16574002012-07-09T10:47:38-04:002012-09-08T05:12:09-04:00Russell Bishophttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/russell-bishop/you are a soul having a human experience. Over these past eight months, this Soul-Talk series has addressed the question of how to expand rather than contract in the face of the twists and turns of daily life.
When confronted with the unexpected, especially the unexpected negativity that life can throw your way, contraction seems like the natural response. You know the drill: Some part of us just wants to curl up into some kind of fetal position and rely on hope that something will turn out for the better.
If you're like me, I'll bet you have actually found that curling up and hoping seems to work from time to time. What actually takes place is just another form of timeless wisdom: this too shall pass. Indeed, no matter what befalls you, the circumstance will change. To be sure, the remnants may not be all that happy, but at least the immediate circumstance will change.
In case you're one of those who prefer to toss this kind of approach to life in the rubbish bin as, well, rubbish, let me point you once again to my friend W. Mitchell. Undefeated by a blazing motorcycle accident and a paralyzing plane crash, Mitchell learned to move into acceptance and assume responsibility for the countless changes that would forever accompany him in his life. As he writes so eloquently in his powerful book by the same name, It's Not What Happens to You, It's What You Do About It.
The first rule of overcoming any kind of adversity or fear that comes upon you is acceptance. Acceptance does not mean liking what has happened or entering into some kind of Pollyanna-like pretense that all is well. Acceptance simply means acknowledging what is present -- recognizing that what is, is. Surely Mitchell (as he prefers to be called) did not relish the disfiguring burns from his motorcycle crash much less the paralysis that followed the small plane crash.
However, Mitchell did recognize that while he could not change the circumstances, he could control his response to them. With remarkable focus and certainly more than one moment of backsliding, he discovered that by accepting the obvious, he could actually thrive despite a reconstructed face, the loss of all of his fingers and thumbs, and rolling through life in his wheel chair.
Notice that I did not write "confined" to his wheel chair. Indeed, Mitchell does roll through life as a free spirit having a human experience: He has become an internationally-recognized motivational speaker, a coach and mentor to troubled youth, and a bon vivant in his own right. He knows full well that confinement is a choice, not a requirement. Mitchell chooses freedom in the face of what many would define as severe limitation.
In my own life, I have had my own set of challenges, ranging from family bankruptcies, to living in my car, to creating and losing businesses. While I have not always approached my forms of adversity with the kind of liberating acceptance that Mitchell demonstrates so remarkably well, I have learned that "how you respond to the issue is the issue." (My friends Ron and Mary Hulnick have provided some profound support and advice on this approach to life that you can read in their superb book Loyalty to Your Soul.)
Each time the unexpected has arisen for me, some part of me still wants to retreat to the fetal position thing again while another part wants to rail against the unfairness of life, blaming my circumstances on someone else. These responses arise from my Self-Talk, a kind of limited or negative thinking that I learned or adopted earlier in my life when I was not so aware of the power of my own ability to choose.
However, each time life challenges arise these days, that quieter, softer voice of my Soul-Talk keeps reminding me that when I enter into acceptance and trust in my inner connection to my soul, God not only opens a window when He closes a door but actually opens an entire new universe. Indeed, each apparently-adverse event over these many years has opened the door to an ever-expanding experience of life.
The key to finding that expanding universe lies in acceptance. The longer I persist in the fetal position, blaming others for my circumstances, the longer it takes me to discover the opportunity hidden inside of the apparent adversity. As my spiritual teacher, John-Roger has taught me, once you accept something, you start to feel better about it. By accepting what is happening, you probably still won't like it, but you may stop fearing it. At the least, you will probably fear it a little less. Fear seems to be accompanied by contraction, and it is pretty hard to discover choices or opportunity while in a contracted frame of mind.
As you move into acceptance, you not only start to feel better about life and yourself, but you also start to find choices that did not seem so apparent when you were stuck in the fetal position, bemoaning your fate. If you want to expand, learn to accept what is present. Then, and only then, can you begin to find that new universe.
I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences on this subject. How have you moved into acceptance? How have you found the ability to expand in the face of adversity? Please do leave a comment here or drop me an email at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
Russell Bishop is an educational psychologist, author, executive coach and management consultant based in Santa Barbara, Calif. You can learn more about my work by visiting my website at www.RussellBishop.com. You can contact me by e-mail at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.