Samantha Kurtzman-Counter2013-05-22T01:44:00-04:00Samantha Kurtzman-Counterhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/author/index.php?author=samantha-kurtzmancounterCopyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc.HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Samantha Kurtzman-CounterGood old fashioned elbow grease.A New Generation of 'Mominists'?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.32393212013-05-08T17:46:07-04:002013-05-08T17:46:13-04:00Samantha Kurtzman-Counterhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/samantha-kurtzmancounter/An homage to our mothers, past, present and future
We all know how tough it is to be a mom. We build up a level of sleep deprivation that lasts for decades; we strive in various ways to keep food on the table (and somehow, get it into little mouths); we handle the emotional turmoil of tantrums, whining, attitude and ingratitude; all the while feeling the unparalleled weight of the stakes at hand as we try our best to turn out good people who have the chance to lead fulfilling lives. Thank goodness that every once in a while, kids do something that fills our hearts with enough fuel to keep going -- and thank goodness for our invaluable support networks of other moms who are along for the bumpy ride. In fact, I think it might be time to step back, press pause on the kvetching and appreciate where we're at as a culture of mothers right now. It's really pretty amazing.
In the corporate, commercial, intellectual, celebrity and personal spheres of influence, moms are at the zeitgeist. And I'm not talking about women, I'm talking about MOMS. Discourse about motherhood is at the center of so much cultural conversation today. We are notorious COO's and CEO's like Lean In author Sheryl Sandberg and Yahoo's Marissa Mayer, women whose complex relationships to motherhood are part and parcel of their current intrigue in the public eye; we are superstars of film and TV, like Angelina Jolie, whose ever-increasing family has veritably overshadowed her onscreen career; we are mompreneurs like Jessica Iclisoy, whose California Baby products started as the answer to one mama's needs and has since turned into an international phenomenon; we are stay-at-home-moms like those on the recent cover of New York Magazine, who have embraced a healthy home as the greatest possible accomplishment. No matter your opinion of these particular moms, they are evidence of the fact that for the first time in feminist history, all of these positions are not only potentially viable, but culturally encouraged. You want to be an entrepreneur? Give it a try. You want to focus on raising kids? Go for it. You want to make a business out of being a mom? More power to you! All are equally challenging to achieve successfully -- but none of those options is mired in the overarching stigma of generations past. Are we a new generation of "mominists?"
The greatest catalyst for "mominism" is -- of course -- the Internet. The depressed isolation that besieged our grandmothers, which galvanized so many of our Women's Libbing mothers to reject homemaking, has now been largely eradicated. Moms can find community online right away in those dark days of new mommyhood, where life is suddenly upside-down and everything you thought you knew about yourself is rendered moot. "Sleep when the baby sleeps?" More like take those golden moments of respite to get your buns online and seek some answers from like-minded moms who are suffering just like you or have come out the other end with helpful tales to tell. The Web has revolutionized motherhood by creating a virtual community that not only witnesses, but testifies.
The Internet has also created opportunities for moms to rejoin the workforce and reinvent the workday while still prioritizing motherhood. Mom blogs and businesses abound, with moms dictating commerce by, for and between moms on our terms (in our own bedrooms). Attend a blogging conference and you will not see the frivolous galavanting recently portrayed in the Wall Street Journal, but rather savvy, ambitious moms who have recognized some need in the marketplace and are hoofing it to raise capital, make it big and bring in a substantial ROI. Enormous brands reach out to these moms as a significant way to connect with their customers, who no longer watch ads or read magazines. Mom blogs and businesses have created a middle ground opportunity for mothers to integrate work and home life, a new kind of "balance" that was never available to previous generations.
With a HUGE thank you to our foremothers: as the generation of girls raised by '70s feminist culture, many of our moms necessarily had to eschew the typical trappings of motherhood in order to take a stand and progress in the professional sphere. Without them, mamas today wouldn't be able to even conceive of the vast choices available to us. Our grandmothers made homemaking an art, our mothers made career-making a goal -- and we as a generation are able to consider choosing between them or striving for both. Of course, all of our very real obstacles -- financial, emotional, physical and otherwise -- often keep us shackled from achieving fulfillment in any of these options. But the new Mominist paradigm allows us to dream freely and find more support than ever before to help make that dream a reality.
And soon, we will offer our daughters the mantle. I can't wait to see what kind of mothers they become.]]>Cracking Under Preschool Pressuretag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.8699262011-06-02T13:14:10-04:002011-08-02T05:12:01-04:00Samantha Kurtzman-Counterhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/samantha-kurtzmancounter/The first day of kindergarten is around the corner. Is your child ready? What are you doing to prepare?
Recent articles have highlighted the growing trend of parents who feel the need to prep their preschoolers via tutoring companies such as Kumon Jr. to make sure they are academically ready for their voyage into big-kid school. It's only natural that parents try to give their kids a leg up as early as possible, right?
The real question is whether this kind of pre-kindergarten learning actually provides an advantage at all. A recent Scholastic article polled kindergarten teachers and came away with quite a different view on the skills teachers and admissions directors look for most in the pre-K set: "Enthusiasm Toward Learning," "The Desire to Be Independent," "The Ability to Play Well with Others," and "The Ability to Listen" rank high on the list of skills that evidence kindergarten readiness. "Basic Letter and Number Recognition" is there, but that's about it for traditional academics.
Leaders in early childhood education repeatedly say that it is more important for young children to learn how to problem-solve with others, practice independent motor and hygiene skills, and show an excitement for learning than it is for them to master their math and reading skills before they even begin kindergarten. So why do parents feel so driven to push their children into academic learning so early?
The tyranny of standardized testing has this country's parents in a stranglehold. Though we may not all approve, the Tiger Mom's definition of success is the ubiquitous measuring stick: we all can't help but compare our kids to the prodigy with the incredible talent, perfect A's and obedient smile. Unfortunately, the pressure pipeline -- making sure your child tests well, gets good grades, gets into a great kindergarten-elementary-high school-college-grad school-law firm -- is truly a direct path to social and emotional instability throughout life.
We all want to give our children every resource for success, but somehow we are missing the boat. Abundant studies show that not only are social and emotional skills the most important barometer for kindergarten readiness, they are also the key to successful (i.e. happier, more productive) lives as a whole. Dr. Laura Markham states in an interview for The Mother Company:
Why is emotional intelligence so important in raising a child? Managing anxiety in order to tackle a big project, managing anger to work through a marital conflict, managing fear to apply for a job -- the ability of a human being to manage his or her emotions in a healthy way will determine the quality of his life in a much more fundamental way than his mental IQ.
The race to ensure that our kids have every possible advantage can wind up putting them at a disadvantage when they are unable to relate to their peers, make friends, or thrive in a classroom environment. And if you're still on the leg-up bandwagon, helping children become school ready behaviorally will put them ahead of their peers more than learning their multiplication tables -- ask any kindergarten teacher who spends the majority of her time getting kids to sit still, raise their hands and wait to be called on, share, make friends, resolve conflicts or express themselves. Parents can and should ask themselves, "Can my child listen to a story without interrupting? Does he take direction well? Does she show an ability to engage and problem-solve with other children?"
Taking a break from the pressure pipeline to nurture your child's social and emotional growth is the best way to prepare him or her for kindergarten. Take that money and time you were going to spend at Kumon and go to the library, museum, beach, go hiking or just play in the yard with your child. That investment will pay off in spades.]]>Mother's Day: What Moms Really Wanttag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.8580882011-05-06T19:50:00-04:002011-11-17T09:02:45-05:00Samantha Kurtzman-Counterhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/samantha-kurtzmancounter/our website, moms today would really prefer something different. Over 250 moms polled told us overwhelmingly that instead of the usual array of material gifts, what moms really want for Mother's Day is well-behaved children.
"Well-behaved children" won the poll by a large margin, receiving 54 percent of the votes. "Time for myself" and "a homemade card" were a distant second and third, but interestingly, also not purchased goods.
These results point out that for mothers of young children (our website and products cater primarily to the preschool and kindergarten set) nothing feels more challenging, all-consuming or important than teaching young children the essential social and emotional skills that form the basis of good behavior. "Well-behaved" children give mom the ultimate break: relief from the constant exhaustion, exasperation and embarrassment of misbehavior. As well as the ultimate reward: pride in feeling they are a good reflection of us, a much-needed affirmation that we've done a good job as parents.
The poll also elucidates what recent studies have shown: that while young children today are prepared for school academically, their lack of social and emotional skills may lead to delays in school readiness, behavioral problems and later expulsion from preschool and kindergarten. Young children may know their ABCs and their numbers, but they struggle to sit still, delay gratification (by raising a hand and waiting to be called on, for example), share, or, even worse, they exhibit aggressive or deeply antisocial traits. Mastery of these social and emotional skills is key to good behavior but also can be the deciding factor in whether children are socialized enough to function in a classroom atmosphere at all.
How do you give the gift of well-behaved children? That's the million-dollar Mother's Day question this year. We built The Mother Company because we felt there was a huge lack of resources for parents struggling to instill these crucial social and emotional skills. Where is the loveable hero in the media who can back us up as we try to teach our young children how to make friends, be kind, stay safe and go to bed?! The first episode of our stylish, gentle, educational series, "Ruby's Studio: The Feelings Show," helps children identify, appropriately express, and move through their feelings. The response has been amazing: moms around the globe have written to thank us for helping their child become more cooperative, expressive and emotionally literate. We plan to tackle a different social or emotional issue on each episode of "Ruby's Studio" -- from the everyday (friendship, tantrums, sibling rivalry) to the tough-to-talk-about issues some children face (illness, divorce, death) and then reinforce these lessons through books, apps and related products. Our website also offers articles by world-renowned experts offering advice around these myriad parenting issues. Every mom of a preschooler gets the need for this sort of thing!
And the implications go further than school readiness and making mom proud; Dr. Michele Borba, author of "The Big Book of Parenting Solutions," notes, "Young children whose parents nurture strong social/emotional skills are more likely to be compassionate and resilient adults, leading to greater fulfillment in life."
And of course, that's what moms really want. ]]>Is It OK to Lie About Santa?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2010:/theblog//3.8010262010-12-25T01:06:00-05:002011-11-17T09:02:45-05:00Samantha Kurtzman-Counterhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/samantha-kurtzmancounter/
I decided to ask a few leaders of different faiths to pipe in on the issue. Rev. Meg Riley, Unitarian Universalist Minister from Minnesota (also a HuffPost blogger), Rabbi Moshe Levin from San Francisco, and Rev. Shelby Larsen of the First Presbyterian Church of Santa Monica (all parents) have joined this conversation to shine their own little light on the matter. I hope you'll add your thoughts to the confab as well.
The question: What is your take on whether or not to spin tall tales to children about the existence of Santa (or the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and the like)?
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Rev. Meg Riley, UU Senior Minister
When my daughter was seven, she came to me and said in the most serious voice imaginable, "Mom, I want you to tell me the truth about something, and if you lie to me about this I will never believe anything you say again, ever." Needless to say, my mind went into red-alert state, wondering about various things she might be about to ask. "I'll do my best," I stammered.
"Is there a Santa Claus, or do you guys buy all my presents?" She asked. In my memory of this moment, her face is six inches from mine, and her focused intensity is that of a bank robber demanding all the money (with a gun). I considered only for a moment. While he was part of our Christmas celebration, Santa Claus was not a being to whom I had a great deal of devotion. I responded levelly, "We buy all your presents."
At this, she collapsed sobbing in my arms for a great long time. Clearly her commitment to Santa's existence far exceeded my own. That night, we were watching the movie "Elf," where Santa's sleigh won't fly because not enough people believe in him. My daughter leaned over to me and hissed, "It's people like you who cause that sleigh to bump along the ground!" Then she nodded to herself, confident she knew where her loyalties lay, moved almost imperceptibly away from me, and turned her full attention back to the movie screen.
It's unquestionable that Santa Claus is a deity in our kids' worlds, one upon whom much power has been bestowed. So it is with the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny. I have saved my daughters' letters to all of them, and they are a study in wonder, trust and the eventual triumph of rationality. (She requests a handprint from the tooth fairy. Her last letter to the Easter Bunny scolds him for not going to the homes of her Jewish friends.)
I have no problem introducing all of these figures as part of the cast of characters who make our collective life more interesting. Young kids have a blurry line between imagination and reality, and that is a beautiful thing. The trick is, I think, to ensure in our families that these highly specialized figures are not the only deities worshipped! How to do that? For me, it's not a matter of diminishing kids' beliefs in these mythical creatures -- it's about enhancing their appreciation of the magic and the mystery of the rest of creation.
Amazing that a fat man in a red suit can come down the chimney? Sure, but how about the fact that zebras exist? Or giraffes? Is the Easter Bunny incredible because he hides colorful eggs? Yes he is, and also it's incredible that the universe is full of bright colorful birds, butterflies and flowers that are even more beautiful! Isn't it cool that the tooth fairy cares about those tiny lost teeth? Sure, and when people love each other, we care about every single hair on each other's heads, so how much more cool that our hearts are that big and they're still inside our bodies? If kids are centered in a living, breathing, magical, mysterious, world each day, if what is holy is understood to be all around them, then the eventual letting go of Santa Claus -- however grand that myth is -- does not take apart their sense of awe and wonder. It's when Santa becomes the only magic in town, then when he is gone there is true devastation.
When my daughter was young and she asked unanswerable questions -- Where do people go when they die? Where are we before we are born? -- Often our answer was, "It's a mystery!" In our household, I believe, Mystery became the supreme deity. Use whatever language is truest for you -- God, spirit, love, breath, life, mystery. But make sure your kids know that the most amazing gifts they receive -- life, love, beauty -- do not arrive on a reindeer's sleigh. Then you can fully enjoy the ones that do!
The Rev. Meg A. Riley currently serves as Senior Minister of the Church of the Larger Fellowship, a church without walls with 3,500 members all over the world. In the past, she has been a pre-school teacher, a director of congregationally based religious education programs, a youth minister, and served in a variety of positions related to social justice in the national headquarters of the Unitarian Universalist Association.
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Rabbi Moshe Levin, Rabbi Emeritus of Beth El
The kids are caught between the beard and the knee and are thrilled; the parents are caught between a rock and a hard place and are struggling: "What do we tell our kids about Santa?" (Or the oil miracle of Hanukkah, or the splitting of the Red Sea by Charlton Heston in "The Ten Commandments," or the Tooth Fairy?) The "rock" is our desire to teach our children honesty by example, and they're never too young to learn to tell the truth. Besides, it is more disappointing when they learn from others and come home with accusing eyes for our lies. The "hard place" comes from the look in their eyes when they are next on line in the Mall.
So, first parents have to ask themselves what they believe -- about fairytales and about myths. We have no chance of articulating our ideas if we don't know what they are. Then, comes a truth that doesn't hurt nor disappoint -- maybe even enlightens. Myths express values, not facts. Their characters are symbols, as well as their acts. So, try, "Sweetheart! [always "Sweetheart" because nothing is more important than letting them know every moment that they are loved] Sweetheart, Santa's coming on Christmas is a way big people have tried to tell little people how important it is to be good. Most of the time, we don't get presents or rewards for being good. We do good because it's the right thing and we want there to be lots of goodness in the world. But just to get children started on the right path, big people came up with the idea of once a year, just once a year, rewarding children for good things that they do all the time. And we gave this job to a man called Santa Claus -- I don't know why, but what really matters to us is that our children know when they're very young like you are now, that doing good things is much better for everybody than doing bad things. What good things do you think you've done recently, and what good things would you like to do tomorrow?"
And if you think this is a hard nut to crack, try telling kids that they have to eat matzah for a whole week because thousands of years ago other people were slaves!
Moshe Levin, a Rabbi for 41 years, is the father of six children and two grandchildren. He grew up Orthodox, was trained Conservative, thinks Reconstructionist, celebrates Reform achievements, and puts future hope in Renewal. Named Rabbi Emeritus after 18 years as Senior Rabbi of Beth El in La Jolla, he is also serving Congregation Ner Tamid in San Francisco.
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Rev. Shelby Larsen, Associate Pastor, First Presbyterian Church of Santa Monica
So, you tell the kids that a fat man with flying reindeer circumvents the globe in one night? Or that a very large rodent invades their house leaving decorated eggs and goodies? Or even that a small, benign, flying being comes into their room to leave a gift? And you wonder, "What am I doing? Won't they be disappointed when they find out I'm, well, lying is a harsh word, but certainly not telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"
Let's be honest. As children age, as they interact with the world and their peers, they slowly realize that Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy are not real, in the sense of everyday life. They belong to an experience beyond what we can see, can hear, can feel. They are, for a few years, figures that are accepted although there is no proof, and aren't logical. In a child's world, for those first few years, they are a matter of faith, of belief in things unseen and unknowable.
Belief in something other than ourselves, like all things, requires nurture. Jesus tells us of the seed that falls on the road and cannot sprout. A child's faith experience is like that. Without the nurturing of belief in what cannot be fully known, a child will find spirituality much more difficult as they mature. And really, what's wrong with telling your children that, during the dead of night, at the darkest time of the year, you can receive a gift? Or that, in the spring, the natural world shares life and sustenance? Or, when you lose a part of yourself, you may also find that someone gives you the gift of something different?
These "imaginary" creatures are, if you so choose to present them, embodiments of the existence of that which cannot be completely understood, but must be accepted on trust and faith.
As a Christian minister, I have no problem with that.
A former entertainment lawyer, Rev. Shelby Larsen is now a pastor at the First Presbyterian Church of Santa Monica. She is the mother of three and the grandmother of eight, which you might think makes her something of an authority on mothering. However, she is constantly surprised by and learning from the amazing miracles we know as children.
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Join our conversation! Be sure to comment below.
This post first appeared on www.themotherco.com]]>Kids Banned From Restaurants? Parents Duke It Outtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2010:/theblog//3.7496262010-10-04T14:52:54-04:002011-05-25T17:55:20-04:00Samantha Kurtzman-Counterhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/samantha-kurtzmancounter/twice this week.
I was sitting in a restaurant eating dinner with my son, thrilled to witness his ability to devour multiple salmon-avocado rolls (at 4 years old, my son is very excited about going out to dinner these days - such a pleasure after the years of painful out-of-home dining experiences.) There were very few people in the restaurant, given that it was 5pm. In walks another mom, dad, maybe 7-year-old boy, 4-year-old boy and a 6-month-old girl. They sit down and the littlest one starts screaming - screeching that "oh cool! Who knew my voice could do this?" high-pitched squeal of discovery. Yes, my son cringed and covered his ears. Yes, it was not what we were hoping for during our much needed bonding night out together. But... We laughed. The mom was embarrassed. We've all been there.
Then, all of a sudden, another woman darted from her table and stomped over to the mom of the happily screeching child and basically ripped her a new one: "You are encouraging this behavior and you should get out of this restaurant! What are you thinking sitting here and ruining all of our dinners?!" Yelling. And claiming, "I never let my children scream like that in public, you must make her stop!" Then, someone at another table across the room joined in, "Just so you know, we completely agree." The men all around the room started puffing up: "Do you want to take this outside?" One stormed up to the table with fists in the air, and then fumed out of the restaurant. My son nearly started crying, looking up at me with dewy eyes, "what's happening, Mama?" We left.
We ran into the mom of the baby 10 minutes later at the ice cream store where we were all drowning our sorrows in sugar. They were shell-shocked. Her older son's cheeks were tear-stained. I tried to console him and let him know that I thought the people who were so angry with his mom must have had a lot going on in their lives to make them so unhappy. His mom looked at me with such gratitude: thank you, someone understands.
Don't get me wrong - I also believe that if your kid is making a whole bunch of noise in a restaurant or other place meant for quiet, it is the parent's responsibility to remedy the situation, or leave. But sometimes life isn't that neat and tidy. Sometimes you have to get out of the house with your 6 month old. Sometimes you have to treat your older son to a night out, and that's the most important thing. Sometimes your best laid plans for a lovely family night out devolves into a family disaster area.
Two days later, we had another dining experience interrupted, this time by a 4-year-old girl throwing a tantrum. As she continued to wail, a man stormed up to the offending table and started yelling directly at the little girl: "Will you please stop having a tantrum in this restaurant, there are other people trying to eat here!" Which lead her father to retort, "How dare you talk to my daughter that way!" Yet another near spiral into parental fisticuffs.
Whoa. What is happening???
I've been mulling this over all week, wondering: who is right in these situations? In my mind, it is definitely not okay to allow a child to continuously disrupt the quiet of a restaurant. It is without a doubt the responsibility of parents to be considerate enough to make sure their children don't ruin the dining experience of those around them. Hot on the heels of these experiences I read an article about the North Carolina restaurant that banned whining kids. I get it. I think it's perfectly all right to determine "kid free zones" - we all need to get away from the maddening brood now and then. But does it need to come to blows? Why such venom, parents?
I'm starting to believe that aside from a genuine desperation to have a peaceful night out sometimes, the primary culprit is our exhaustive quest to be "good parents." We obsessively read all the books, we try all the methods of instilling self-confidence into our kids: let their voices be heard, try to understand what they're going through from their perspective, be there with them in their big feelings and don't try to change them, focus on reflecting instead of altering their experience of life. At the same time: set clear limits for them, don't give negative attention, figure out logical consequences for their misbehavior, make sure they still know you're in charge. The two camps often feel diametrically opposed and finding the balance between the two is a colossal task. Sometimes we become so myopic we can't see what's going on around us.
Rabid judgment of parenting styles has reached epidemic proportions. This runs deep those both with and without children. For the people without kids it's completely understandable - everyone thinks they can do better until they're in it. But as we all know, the judgmental virus runs even more rampant in the parenting community. I believe it's because we all struggle on such a profound level to "be good parents" against all odds of doing so - mostly because there is really no such thing. There is no "ideal parent." There is no "doing it right." The popular parenting "rights" of the last generation are today's "wrongs." We all have very different ideas about how to face the enormous challenges we encounter trying to raise healthy, grateful, well-mannered children. Take away dessert for the night? Time-outs? Ultimately, we all have to forge our way, doing the best we can, and basically fight ourselves (and often our friends, our mates and our own parents) to believe that what we're doing is 'the right thing." Because otherwise, we're messing our kids up for life, right? Those are some pretty high stakes.
As we all know, if you're spending that much time convincing yourself that what you are doing is the best thing, you're bound to be a little defensive about it, and quick to judge others about different approaches. How else will we know we're right if we can't prove that everyone else is wrong?? Do you let your kids sleep in your bed? You actually let your kid cry it out? You send your kids to daycare? Your nanny picks your kid up from school? Your kid watches TV every day? They eat mac-n-cheese all the time? We may not say it out loud, but the judgment never stops because we all feel so much pressure to do it right, figure it all out, be the best parent ever.
Where's the empathy? Where's the village? It's hard, but we've got to be there for each other. Your way might not be my way, but I sure know that no matter which way you've chosen to go, it's going to be difficult. And undoubtedly, you can use all the support you can get. I know that because you and I are in the same boat of daunting parental challenge. We all are - so let's at least paddle upstream together.]]>